I have had a challenging and overwhelming month and feel stunned, mentally tired and numb. Not sure why I feel numb? I want to leave a long-term marriage and go to my first love that loves me deeply and wanted me. I am charmed and loved by him, though it has been since Julythat I last saw him, due to the long-distance between us. We are now in contact for almost 3 years, and met 6 or so times in that time.
We speak daily and the most interesting thing occurred and literally fell in my lap. I was worried about the house and how to leave the house behind, if needed, since it was in my name only. Then, a stranger showed up on my doorstep offering cash to buy the house. It wasnt even on the market! I felt the universe was assisting me in my exit strategy. I had to leave and close on the house within 28 days as a demand of the sale, and furiously packed, boxed, taped up, sold things, etc to downsize. I found an apartment and did EVERYTHING to coordinate all needs, legal matters, change of addresses, etc, in 26 days. I also worked during that time, The movers came, the stuff went to storage. Because the apartment wasn’t available (due to renovation) for 2 weeks, my husband and I lived in a hotel for the first 5 days, then he had planned a cruise (why stay in a hotel he said?) and then another hotel after, til the apartment ready. He was anxious, not sleeping, and worried about all details that related to him. He made me nervous and almost guilty for the suffering he verbalized during the time-frame. He worked full time through the moving phase, but made sure he had vacation days for the cruise. The elbow-to-elbow contact this past 2 weeks have made me realize the self-centeredness of him (what’s new?) and how being in his company is not what I want to do the rest of my life. We have been in this apartment a week. I have unpacked and tried to make less disarray. He is only focused on HIS clothes and HIS stuff, and unpacked those. States he doesnt know anything about where to put anything else. Now, we are in a smaller space, and there is no escape from interaction when he is home. In the old house, I had 2 stories and lots of rooms to escape to. So why do I feel numb? I also worked full-time and took these 2 weeks off to get things done. I have no more vacation time left now. I am supposed to feel ecstatic that one major barrier to being with the one I love is gone, and the house is no worry now. I am feeling numb. Is it mental exhaustion? Is it the stress of trying to please this selfish man and listen to the whining and complaining and tight quarters for weeks now? I cant even think of what to do next. R-2 has offered to get me and take me away. Maybe I am so mentally exhausted I cant do the drama and trauma of that right now. I feel unsettled and numb. I usually can figure out why I feel the way I feel, but this is odd. I cant determine what this feeling ( or non-feeling) is….any thoughts welcome. Any deep thinking I get into, I start to cry. What is wrong with me?