claref

I have trouble finding quality friends who I can rely on as well. What is important for me is that they have integrity, kindness, and sense of self awareness. If they don’t have those qualities then they don’t become my friends.  If they don’t care to keep in touch or treat me with respect then I drop them. It is important to only have people who make a positive difference in my life. If they are not there for me, cause me stress, or do not want to be my friend then there’s no reason for me to make an effort to keep them in my life.

So I have no advice for you or no insight  except just made more discerning to who you include as a friend.

Mark

claref

It’s not as if you dropped them. They dropped to you already.

Sure you can keep them as acquaintances with no expectations.

But know that they are not the friends you want in your life.

Mark

Hi Claire,

Could it be that you are just confusing friendships with acquaintances?

Maybe some people get used to someone else making all the effort in a friendship, and some people are so lazy that they will let ‘their friend’ (that’s you) carry on putting themselves out, and making all the effort, without making any effort in return. Because they don’t have to… you are doing it all for them. Or it might be that they simply think that you like making all the effort that you do.

It seems to me you have two choices here. You can either carry on making all the effort, because you’re a nice person and you don’t mind making the extra effort, if that’s what it takes. As your husband has suggested, perhaps you really are simply too nice? And non-assertive, not asking for anything in return for the effort you put in.

Or you can do what you suggest (cutting your nose off!) see if they notice that you are not making the effort and see how they react. At least that way you will find out if they are friends, rather than acquaintances. Because true friends, will want to know if you’re ok, at the very least.

Or you could try saying, the next time you are just about to go and see someone, ask them if they would like to come over to your place instead. If you get a general vague answer that they will come over sometime or other, ask them when they would like to come over, so that you can reciprocate the welcome you get from them when you visit them.

A third way would be to share some of those feelings you have that you don’t share with them.

The thing is, I never share any of my feelings with them – unless forced. So it’s something that’s happening, without me realising?

By sharing things with others, you put yourself in a position where you have to trust that person. If you never open up about things or share anything with them, then they will assume that you do not trust them with your feelings. Now, that’s ok for acquaintances, as they don’t or won’t be sharing anything like that with you either. If some of the people you know share things with you, but you never share anything with them unless you are forced to, then just perhaps they can sense there is a barrier there to a true friendship. It’s a two-way thing, is friendship. So maybe you could try opening up a bit and be a bit more trusting?

Did you have trouble forming friendships during your childhood, and was there any reason for that? You sound a lot like me, and I don’t have many friends, but I do have a lot of acquaintances! I can count my true friends on one hand, the people I can share confidences with, rant away in front of, ask for help… and it is the same both ways. If it’s any consolation, most people don’t have that many true friends, they get sifted out over the years, as you learn who you can trust, and who you can’t.

best wishes,

Jay