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Why do I want to be sick?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Samantha 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #288287

    Samantha
    Participant

    Hi everyone,  I am new here and I need some insight or advice. For as long as I can remember I have been chronically fatigued. After I graduated college I was diagnosed with 2 types of severe anemia. I have been treated with iron infusions and B12 shots for the past 3 years. I also have diagnosed GAD and depression, both of which are currently under control. For the past few months I have had hand tremors and random jerks throughout my body. My dr ordered a brain MRI to rule out any neuro problems or tumors. It came back completely normal. My main question is, is it horrible for me to want there to be something wrong with me? I struggle so badly with fatigue and exhaustion even when my blood comes back normal. My hand tremors are extremely annoying and my dr doesn’t seem to think its a problem. I just want an answer, even if it was a tumor or something, its so messed up I know but I want more than anything a diagnosis. I hate walking around all the time so tired it sucks. I feel like I am not taken seriously because I have been diagnosed with anxiety. “well you shake because your anxious. Your’e tired because your anxious.” Im just so sick of it. My anxiety is controlled with both therapy and medication and has been for a long time now. someone help please

    #288319

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    I don’t think you want to be sick. I think you want a diagnosis, you want to know clearly what is wrong with you. Thing is, the anxiety you mentioned, it is physical and it is exhausting. Medicine cannot detect everything that is physically wrong with us. But non detection doesn’t mean there is nothing wrong, only that it cannot be detected by methods used.

    I too was very exhausted most of my life because of anxiety. The chemicals released when anxious are very powerful and they do exhaust us, that fight-or-flight physical preparations happening so frequently are exhausting.

    Animals in nature, after they run away from a predator, they rest for a long, long time, not having the energy to eat. They just lie there until they recover.

    An anxious person is a person … often running-in-place, running but not moving. It is still exhausting.

    When you say that your anxiety is currently under control, how is our anxiety different now from how it used to be?

    anita

    #288327

    Samantha
    Participant

    Hi Anita,   I am on multiple medications to control it and have been on them for about 5 years now. I see my counselor about once a week and we talk about anything that is bothering me. I went through a sexual assault in 2012 and since that point it really exploded. so PTSD is also part of my diagnosis. I do my best to just relax as much as possible. I try not to busy myself too much because I am a highly sensitive introvert so life can be vary trying at times and it does not take much to upset me even if i do not outwardly show it. I really try my best to take care of myself but I feel like at this point its not worth it, im so tired.

    #288331

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    I used to be on three psychiatric medications at a time, for 17 years for anxiety and such. I am asking not as a medical doctor or health professional but as a person who suffered lots of anxiety, and who took lots of those drugs- what five drugs are you on, is  one of them an SSRI, another an anti anxiety such as Klonipin and another a mood stabilizer/ anti psychotic?

    anita

    #288333

    Samantha
    Participant

    So I take 20 mg lexapro at night, 350 wellbutrin in the morning for the depression, and klonipin as needed but I dont like to take it because I have a degree in drug addictions and I have seen first hand how dangerous Benzodiazepines can be as far as developing a tolerance. I have been on the lexapro since 2012 and the wellbutrin since 2015. the klonipin was prescribed recently (last 4 months). I also have really bad nightmares and I know that is contributing to the exhaustion, I have horrible night sweats every night to the point where I need to get up and change but none of my doctors know how to fix them

    #288335

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    I will be back with you in about half an hour.

    anita

    #288345

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    Klonipin was indeed the hardest drug to stop taking for me. Yes, most addictive.

    Your neurological symptoms are “hand tremors and random jerks throughout (your) body…  (and) night sweats”-

    I wrote to you earlier that an anxious person is a person who is often running in place. Those hand tremors, the random jerks, in my understanding, are the body running-in-place, a thwarted flight reaction to fear. Often a child  is stuck in a hostile home, moved to run away,  but having nowhere to run, her muscles twitch, moving but the child stays put.

    You wrote that you are “a highly sensitive introvert”- do you believe that you were born more sensitive than others, born to be an introvert or do you believe you were injured emotionally, as a child and as a result became sensitive, that is, fearful of more suffering yet to come your way?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #288449

    Samantha
    Participant

    Thanks for your input Anita,  I was definitely born a sensitive introvert. My entire life I have been told that I am too sensitive, I worry too much, and I need to grow a thicker skin. Whats odd is that these symptoms can appear when I am in my most relaxed state, in bed with my weighted blanket watching my favorite show. I had a good childhood, great parents and a loving extended family. I was always very awkward though, had a tough time finding my tribe and learning that I am very different in that I would rather stay home and read on a weekend rather than be surrounded by people in a crowded place with a lot of activity. I still get crap from my family to this day about my “shyness” although its introversion not shyness. I know they love me but it gets aggravating feeling like I constantly have to explain myself

    #288477

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    You wrote that you had “a good childhood, great parents and a loving extended family” and yet you were told your whole life, since you were a child, I suppose, that you are “too sensitive.. worry too much.. need to grow a thicker skin”-

    – as a child, with a good childhood, good parents, a loving extended family, you don’t need a thicker skin, not inside the home, not when interacting with your great parents and loving extended parents, correct?

    In other words, were you told by your parents that you were too sensitive to them?

    “I had a tough time finding my tribe”- wasn’t your tribe your parents and extended family?

    “I still get crap from my family to this day about my ‘shyness’ although its introversion not shyness.. it gets aggravated feeling like I constantly have to explain myself”-

    -but how is it possible, that a loving family is giving you crap? Love and crap don’t go together!

    And why is it so difficult to understand you, so difficult that you have to constantly explain yourself. It is not that you are a weird specimen from outer space who transplanted herself into a human family. I bet I can understand you in a few pages right here, on your thread!

    You wrote in your original post: “My main question is, is it horrible for me to want there to be something wrong with me?”

    – my goodness, maybe there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe the wrong is … not with you. Is it possible?

    anita

    #288701

    Lara
    Participant

    Dear Samantha,

    I think its perfectly normal that you want to know what your fatigue and hand tremors are about. It doesn’t mean you want to be sick, I think it means that you want to know what this is all about so you can act and make it better.

    I used to be tired as well, so much so that I sometimes would just lie on my bed. For me it was iron deficit, which you allready covered. I am sure you went to a lot of doctors allready, do you feel this got better for you?

    As for the hand tremors, I agree with anita that this may be rooted in anxiety. Surely you know allready that anxiety can manifest psysically in your body, for me it was a feeling of heaviness in my arms and stomach aches so strong that I thought I surely had an ulcer or something. Have you looked into relaxation techniques like autogenous training? I learned this in a class and its still useful for me. But I also wanted to say if you feel you want a doctor to look into this again then just go for it. Sometimes different doctors have different ideas and different approaches. If you feel its not “just” anxiety but something else, maybe you will feel better if another doctor with a different approach checks you out.

    #288869

    Samantha
    Participant

    Hi Lara, thank you for validating my feelings about it. A huge part of my anemia was very bad periods so since I have been on depo (about 6 months) I have not had any issues with it. the other part is my pernicious anemia which seems to keep returning so I inject B12 once a month for that and I do think it is helping.

    Stomach aches are also a huge issue for me. I have Celiac as well so sometimes I feel like since I have some inherent disorders that whenever I feel off, those must be it!

    I have not tried autogenous for my anxiety I will definitely look into it. Mostly I try to do light yoga and just sleep it off when I feel that my body really just needs rest. The hand tremors are not 24/7 which is making me feel better and like they could be stemming from something that I can control, perhaps it is my anxiety. It just weird because it has never come out that way before if that is what is causing it. Mostly my anxiety affects my moods

    #293819

    Holly-Kristine
    Participant

    Hi, sorry you are feeling so bad and sick and tired. I too have Ptsd and some health is sues. Luckily they are mostly getting better. I wont bore you with them but pleaee keep pushing until you get a c orrect diagnosis. One problem i had was pain for two years. I wanted certain tests and the doctors said no, that it couldnt be my gallbladder , the pain was on the wrong side. Finally i switched drs and begged for the tests. Guess what? My gallbladder was working only at three percent! They had to hurry me into surgery. If you think something is wrong dont let people tell you it is all in your head! Even loving family members can be wrong. Doctors, too.

     

    Jerking and so forth can be an anxiety outlet. Remember be kind to yourself. Even if you cant overcome anxiety totally that is okay. It is okay to be you with any problems that you may have at this time. Hopefully little by little you will develop good coping mechanisms and you will have hope and joy again. Stay away from negativity. Even if loved ones get on your case, realize you know you best. Take a step back and relax. Go to your appts, ask for answers. Take good care of yourself. Sending you a spiritual hug! Please keep us updated. Holly-Kristine

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