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September 12, 2016 at 8:57 am #115009
LiquidsnakeParticipantSo, anita, communication is all it matters? can we do anything, if we communicate appropriately? what should i do now? fight or flight? or leave it as it is and let time heal this issue and find a solution??? or just pull back from the business and go on my way??? even though, if i do any of this, i would have to still meet her or see her once in a while during family outings or parties or functions, during which time, I may get those feelings back….I’m not sure about this but.. to be honest, every time i see her or interact with her now, I’m getting more irritated or kind of mild hatred, as to, why should i be with this woman or why should I be doing this to her, who has not taken care of me or my emotional well being, when it was much needed….I dont want to pretend to her, having one thing in my mind about her and doing the other, when I’m meeting or being with her even formally…
September 12, 2016 at 9:07 am #115010
AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
I don’t know what you mean above by: “communication is all it matters? can we do anything, if we communicate appropriately?”
In my last post to you, I suggested that maybe in the past, when you felt that the two of you were very close, that she didn’t feel very close with you. I did not suggest that it was your fault. It is possible that she was not honest with you in the past, and if she was not honest with you, honest communication was not possible. Honest, helpful communication is possible only if BOTH parties are honest.
If one of the parties to the communication refuses to be honest, then the second party will always be confused. Until the second party exits the communication.
As is, it seems to me that best if you had no contact with her. Reality is, you don’t Have-To have contact with her. It is possible for you to arrange your life in such ways that you will have no contact with her. There will be discomfort on your part, a price to pay for having no contact, but maybe you can manage it so that the benefit will outweigh the cost.
anita
September 12, 2016 at 9:21 am #115015LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for the clarification and I deeply apologize for the misinterpretation. I understood from your previous post, that, communication is vital and people have to communicate properly so that the other person does not feel left out, that’s the way I understood and I felt, if we communicate, we can do anything, since, we are keeping the other person informed. It was bad on my part to understood what you said in this way…
Yes, Now I understood, I have a way to change things around and cease contact with her and take care of myself.. Hope it works, without any major setbacks on my side.. I don’t believe in God as such, but still request all of you who has helped me here to understand, what it is, to pray for me…
I think, I need to better engage myself, in other ways to improve myself and to divert my attention from her for my own self improvement.. but still, once in a while, this rage inside me, springs up as to demand answers from her and not to let her go off the hook, since I feel let down, and whatever I did for her was not reciprocated in the same way, which was not possible in reality, at least for her in her own terms and way…
Hoping for the best!!! but, honestly, I’m a person, who never accepts wrong doing from people close to me, I feel, i got more attached to the concept unknowingly, u break it,,u fix it.. but still i remove them from my life completely or isolate myself from them, which i’m not able to do this with her… from where do you think, these thoughts are stemming from? may be inherited from my strict father, that no mistakes are allowed, whatsoever and if you do, you will be punished in some way, which I might find suitable??
this is the vicious cycle, it was talking about, punish them, and then go back to them, feeling either pity for them or just because, i’m feeling lonely and depressed, losing their presence in my life…
September 12, 2016 at 9:46 am #115017AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
I see the negative effect on you left by your strict father. He punished you for making mistakes. That is too bad because no one can live one day without making mistakes. And of course, your father made a big mistake every time he punished you!
You wrote to me in your last post: ” I deeply apologize for the misinterpretation…It was bad on my part to understood what you said in this way…”
See, this is the effect of your father on you: you wrote above that it was bad on your part to have misunderstood me that you deeply apologized.
First it was not at all bad on your part to misunderstand me. It is okay for you to misunderstand me. If there is a misunderstanding, I will correct it and you will correct it. I misunderstand people myself, so I ask questions to understand better. It is not Bad of me to misunderstand. So there is no need to apologize at all.
You wrote that your father taught you: “no mistakes are allowed, whatsoever and if you do, you will be punished in some way.” I wonder who is punishing your father for making this very big mistake of teaching you this?
And since your father made such a big mistake teaching you that you are a bad person for making mistakes, I wonder what else he taught you that was wrong…
The process of healing involves figuring out your core beliefs, that is, the things you believed so far about people: what is true and what is not true. For example it is true that mistakes are natural to make. It is true that gentleness and kindness are needed so to learn, not punishment. And so on.
anita
September 12, 2016 at 10:25 am #115018LiquidsnakeParticipantAnita,
I’m getting to the point…so, how do I change these core beliefs? if a person wrongs us, and not being honest with us, we should forgive them and move on, right? or do we seek clarification from them and understand why they did it… even then, will we be the same person again knowing the truth? can we be with them in the same way, we used to be? so, it’s better to move out right? or just accept them as they are, since they did what they felt was right to do at that time and as long as that person, agrees to it, we can let them go and move ourselves out and continue with our life..i’m still confused on which way to go..
September 12, 2016 at 11:05 am #115019AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
Maybe your father did what he “felt was right to do at that time”-
Does he feel NOW that what he did then was wrong? Did he tell you that he was wrong?
If he did, let me know what he told you, how he showed that he feels regret for the ways that he harmed you and and I will reply to you then.
If he did not apologize to you, if he didn’t express regret for the ways he had harmed you, then he is still harming you, isn’t he?
anita
September 13, 2016 at 8:01 am #115061LiquidsnakeParticipantAnita,
Yes. He has not done anything as you said, no regrets or no feelings, coz, he thinks, that’s the way, it should be, even now, he is very careful,to make sure, i dont’ make any mistakes and keeps micromanaging me once in a while, trying to know about my whereabouts when, im late to home or out with friends on a weekend.
he is not a person to discuss about anything openly, the kind of relationship or caring or nurturing between a father and a son, and he is not that type…
Also, I cannot leave him, until he goes away forever, since our cultural and social setup doesn’t work that way and I’m very emotionally attached to my parents,even though, I knew, I should’ve been bought up in a much better way, but that’s all they knew at their time, getting a good name in the society and in front of relatives to be proud of, and getting into better studies and careers.. I’m not sure, if I can blame them for it…
Being the only son, and first male child of the family, they had lot of expectations on me, which I didn’t fulfill almost 90% of it, infact, everything stumbled because of those expectations only and because of my anger towards those expectations, that, I just did exactly the opposite of, whatever was expected out of me…
September 13, 2016 at 8:30 am #115063AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
You don’t have to blame your father/ parents. You don’t have to leave him/ your family. What you have-to-do, for your mental health, I believe, is to see reality as it is. That is all, at this point: just see it as-it-is.
Isn’t it reality as-it-is that your father strictness with you: allowing you no mistakes has hurt you and is still hurting you? Isn’t it true that this strictness of his has distressed you throughout your life? And isn’t it so that his expectations of you, expectations of perfection (zero mistakes) have been and still are unreasonable, impossible to fulfill?
If zero mistakes is impossible to fulfill, then your father has set you up for failure, a life of impossible satisfaction.
Don’t blame your father, fine. But take this understanding deep inside you: that your father was and is wrong- that his thinking is not congruent with truth and reality (zero mistake living is impossible for any and every human being including himself).
So people, especially in a very traditional society, will side with your father and you may be the only one seeing the truth, that he was and still is wrong. And so, be it. You need to know the truth.
(A very traditional society seems to be one where the individual is sacrificed again and again for the sake of public opinion- it is a disaster for the individual, what a shame).
anita
September 13, 2016 at 12:41 pm #115071
Rohail BukhariParticipantI used to go through the same thing in my life and later on one of the things that I learned is that it can be a lack of self-esteem that we are unaware of. We give our power to these people because for some strange reason, we feel that they are better than us.
This is a very interesting topic to discuss and i am more than happy to help you with this in depth. Whenever you have the time, you can email me at itsthebizzness@hotmail.com and let me know if you would like to have a skype conversation with me and talk to me more about this. 🙂 Looking Forward to it.
September 13, 2016 at 6:40 pm #115079Rohail BukhariParticipant@liquidsnake the first reply
September 15, 2016 at 7:54 am #115250LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Anita,
I have started seeing the reality as it is, and understood that, people always change, and I need to let go of certain things and beliefs about people, if i have to be peaceful, if not happy… and I have told her straight away, that I can’t take either her abuse nor her emotional outbursts, since she thinks, I’m avoiding and isolating her thinking that, she is more inclined towards her new found relationships and not towards me and I was totally wrong in this(according to her). She blazed out, blasted me with verbal abuse, saying that, this was a fake relationship, and she will not be believing me anymore for anything. So, I told her, I’m cutting all contacts and ties with her and walked away!!! I feel a sense of peace and freeness, but still my mind is wandering as to, whatever i have done is right or wrong? may be I should’ve given it an another chance?? but, then, I felt there is no use, since she is not the same person anymore, and I can waste my life anymore, trying to get into her life and to take care of her.. was I right in doing this? What is your insight on this?
September 15, 2016 at 8:48 am #115263AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
I think you were right. She verbally abused you- that was wrong of her. She did wrong.
You were right to assert yourself as you did, telling her: ” I can’t take either her abuse nor her emotional outbursts”
Notice this, she told you that “this was a fake relationship, and she will not be believing me anymore for anything.” Well, it is for her own good then, for her own well being to NOT have a relationship with a person who she cannot believe, isn’t it?
You did the right thing to be “cutting all contacts and ties with her” and walking away.
Again: it is the right thing for you, absolutely (being verbally or otherwise abused is never the right thing for you!) and it happens to be the right thing for her, to not be in what she considers a “fake relationship” and to not be with a person she “cannot believe.”
Unless she needs to be in relationship with you just so to explode and feel better for a while after her explosions/ outbursts. And my goodness, you don’t want to fulfil that role in her life: be a place for her to dump her distress so she can feel good for a while… until the next time she needs a relief of her distress.
anita
September 27, 2016 at 8:16 am #116399LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Anita:
Thank you for the insights and what you said is absolutely right… I have cut contacts with her in every way, except for the business, which I agreed to do along with her, started it and invested in it.. Now, I’m feeling very embarrassed to be in it, I’m not sure, why.. but, every time she talks to me even about the business officially and every time I happen to see her, I’m getting very very angry as If I dont want to see her again at all…
Because, every time, I see her or converse with her for anything, only the pain comes up and the pent up anger boils up inside and I’m very afraid, that I might hurt her unknowingly because of my feelings towards her like this…. Is there anyway to control this or handle it in a different or polite way?
Also, I want to move out of the business and I’m ready to let go of the other financial things because of me pulling out and dont’ want to disturb her and put more emotional stress to her, just because we are not cohesive anymore…
I’m finally planning to open up this to her, since I need to take care of my feelings first, so that it should not hurt her in anyway.. and I can’t think of how much more she will be disturbed while hearing this and how much I have to go through seeing her or conversing with her when she is in pain or disturbance because of this.. I’m not even certain, if she will be like that….. I just don’t want things to get ugly, where emotional distress is misinterpreted….
September 27, 2016 at 8:55 am #116406AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
I like you writing: “I need to take care of my feelings first”
It seems to me that you are afraid of her. Are you and what are you afraid she will say or do to you next? What are the possibilities, the danger to you, at this point? If you can, picture different scenarios that you considering and what you are afraid will happen in each one.
anita
September 27, 2016 at 9:17 am #116410LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Anita:
I’m not afraid of her… I’m afraid of her feelings getting hurt because of my decision, since this is only last strand between me and her before completely cutting her off from my life, except seeing her once in a blue moon, or in family functions or parties.
She does not pose any danger to me at all…She can’t harm me in anyway…
I was just stressed up because, I could harm her by opening up this with her and adding fuel to her fire, which she is already undergoing(emotional stress)…
I just want to walk away politely and silently from this relationship with out causing any distress to her and to myself….
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