Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Why do we need relationships?
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Melinda.
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October 15, 2013 at 1:09 pm #43825
bodhisatva
ParticipantI am recovering from a broken relationship which ended due to infidelity and with the guidance here have decided to stay single and only start dating again once I feel confident (something she has robbed me of) and am completely comfortable and happy being me. However my best friends want me to start dating again since its been 5 months, in all their good intentions, and I tried to explain that I want to find happiness within myself first.. then came the question which stumped me a bit, why then start a relationship with someone if you are completely happy being single and yourself, what would adding another to your life do to the wholeness you feel ? any thoughts?
October 15, 2013 at 3:09 pm #43826Matt
ParticipantBecause when two whole beings connect, the joy is exponential. People who seek a relationship to fill a hole usually end up either healing that hole, or the relationship becomes codependent. Namaste.
As a side note, waiting until you’re healthy and ready seems like a great plan. Perhaps a helpful tool would be “its not her or her actions that took my confidence, but the way I responded to her and her actions.” Remember that you’re not a victim, just a dancer with some baggage.
With warmth,
MattOctober 15, 2013 at 3:35 pm #43827Amit
ParticipantIn my opinion you are on the right track. Finding the happiness within you will help you get in touch with your inner being. Once you do that your inner being will automatically attract the right partner for you and you will see that they will be similar to you ( connected with themselves and happy with them selves).
Your inner being is a part of the pure energy from the “Source” or “God” or “Cosmic Energy”. We are aware of this when we are children m but as we grow up and mix our experiences with that of the world around us, we listen more to the outside, than the inside.
I am on a journey to reconnect with my inner being and have been on this path for the last few years. I have noticed that the more I have gotten in touch with my inner being I have changed the environment that I am in along with the relationships that I have had with friends. Automatically old “friends and Relationships” have dropped off and new beautiful friendships have emerged with people that appeal to my inner being.
You are on the right path. Find the true connection/relationship with your inner being and you will automatically find people aligning with you whom your inner being likes to associate with.
Good Luck
AmitOctober 16, 2013 at 4:32 am #43861Lindsay
ParticipantGood Question! And I think there are various facets in the answer. I think that once you are happy with yourself, adding another person just adds another dimension. For example, sure, I have no problem going to the movies by myself and can thoroughly enjoy the time with just me and the silver screen. But going with friends can be awesome too and sharing that laughter at the same scenes. It can be fun to share experiences with people, be it friends or significant other or family.
There is also the point that once you are confident and understand your inherent self-worth, you may see that you have a lot of love to GIVE. And you can give from a place of selflessness and openness, rather than from fear/judgment/desperation/need/filling-a-hole/quota/etc. It is much more pure and beautiful, and more fulfilling to GIVE that kind of love. In my path to self-worth (a work in progress), I’ve noticed that as I’ve “progressed,” I still love the people in my life who have always been there, but now I also am going out of my way to tell them and show them that. I’m going out of my way to show them that I care about them in terms and ways that I know THEY will appreciate. For the simple reason that it’s nice to be able to give that to them. For example, I’m not a gift person. Never have been. Gifts are really important to my mom though, which never made sense to me. We’ve had some serious ups and downs over the years. But now, when I want her to know that I’m thinking of her and love her, I occasionally send her a little gift or a card. It usually brings her to tears and she’s super appreciative. The point is, that instead of looking to her to “correct” the past wrongs and to fill a void in my life, I’ve done that myself and can now give to her freely without strings or expectations. It’s made a huge difference.
Starting a romantic relationship from a healthy personal state like that can be a total game changer. And by that point, you’ll know that you are perfectly fine and happy without a relationship. So, you can take care to date someone who is a good fit for you and who can appreciate you. Rather than dating someone totally wrong for you because you need a way to fill a void.
October 18, 2013 at 10:56 am #43990bodhisatva
ParticipantThanks everyone for their views, they resonate with mine as well, so convince me a bit more to follow this path. However, I sometmes get stuck between forgiveness and playing a victim.. when i try hard to forgive her and not curse/feel angry, i feel i am rushing myself and then i feel like a victim because of all the negative emotions.. and this cycle continues and i feel it hampers my growth. I would also really want to meet someone new but this keeps holding me back.. i havent even been on a date yet. My friends suggest casual physical relations may help but i again think they wont heal the deep gash my heart has.
November 12, 2013 at 4:49 am #45165bodhisatva
ParticipantI need some words of wisdom.. As mentioned above, I had broken off the most long lasting and loving relationship i had due to her infidelity then lies afterwards, and had (atleast thought so) moved on.. thinking little of her, focussing on my physical and mental well being and just being comfortable myself. I went back to my hometown to see my family, and it turns out she is back here too. and then she emails me, how she didnt try hard enough for me.. I replied, breaking my no contract rule, that there is no us anymore and she should move on.. but now i find myself caught in her pattern again, feeling similar as a few months ago, when i would wake up every morning around 4 due to nightmares of her and the other person. I get these urges to contact her and atleast ask for the truth, the hows, whats and whys of her actions and for an honest apology, since all her prior ones had an agenda, measured truths and she could never find the courage (may be she s too sshamed) to just get it all out at once and rip that band aid off.. is torturing myself for it justifiable, when i dont see any furture with her ? I should be letting go of her and these thoughts, but a part of me, which ii thought was weaker than before, says it is best i find out everything and then work on forgiveness and empathy.. i am lost at present and am afraid might contact her and regret it later.
November 12, 2013 at 6:35 am #45168Matt
ParticipantBodhi,
I’m sorry for the resurgence of suffering, and can understand why you feel like exploring her side of things and the uncomfortable dreams. Sometimes when we take the distraction method of grieving, it only works until a memory or situation arises that triggers us. Consider that part of your heart is still bound up in the situation, and it takes time and forgiveness to untangle.
At this point, contacting her seems like it would be much like giving in to an addiction. You can feel how its unhealthy, yet it pulls at you, calls to you. Consider that perhaps that is normal, and still your wisdom sees it as not the right thing for you. Instead, what you could try is forgiving her and letting her go.
“Whatever the conditions were on my side, I forgive myself for my actions and thoughts that were unhealthy. May I be free. Whatever the conditions were on her side, I forgive her for her actions and thoughts that were unhealthy. May she be free. May we both be peaceful and happy. May we both be peaceful and happy.”
I know you feel the relationship was “the best”, but really it was just “the best so far.” As you forgive her and move on, you’ll make space in your heart for yourself and a new love interest. Said differently, forgiving her doesn’t mean the actions were somehow OK, it means you accept that people do dumb things and wish to be free from your pain that arises because of the actions of another. This lets the view transform from “the best, most loving thing I had until she screwed it up” into “we tried and failed and moved on”.
For the emotional pain of it, consider getting your butt on the cushion and doing some metta meditation. Its a much better fuel than trying to find peace and warmth by beating reasons out of her or yourself. 🙂
Namaste, brother, may you find peace.
With warmth,
MattNovember 12, 2013 at 9:10 am #45170bodhisatva
ParticipantThanks Matt for the wise words.. my urge has settled for today atleast, will meditate on the rest. however, my logical brain thinks isnt it important for me to empathize to forgive, to consider her a victim of her weaknesses and then let go, instead of being bitter at present. then shouldnt an honest apology be important? for her and for me both? I still refusr to see her as a bad person, its just that i never would have imagined she ll have trouble speaking with me about anything.. even after evreything is over. I will not contact her regarding this.. but this thought continues to haunt me still
November 12, 2013 at 9:48 am #45171bodhisatva
ParticipantNovember 12, 2013 at 10:15 am #45173Matt
ParticipantBodhi,
Respectfully, the apology is more about you wishing her to own up to her mistakes than being empathetic. If your empathy was open, you wouldn’t hold it as a transgression against you. She made a mistake, lost a relationship because of it, and has to live with the consequences of her decisions. It is already balanced. From your side, you are making it about you. How could she do that to me? She hurt my feelings. She ripped away my confidence. And so on and so forth.
Unintentionally, you’re caught up giving your power to that girl. Said differently, as long as you believe she causes your emotions and unrest, you stay stuck. Consider that she made decisions, and you made decisions. She acted out of habit, you acted out of habit. Its already balanced. That being said, it is perfectly natural to want validation from others that they hurt us. Because you try to be a bodhisattva, the path of healing and validation is all internal. Why would she need to apologize to you for doing what her karma lead her to do? Do we ask the rain to apologize for spoiling our picnic? Instead, consider looking for forgiveness for her no matter what her intentions, feelings or thoughts about you are. That’s when you can see things the way they really are. Your suffering is from your own perceptions… as you see things you wish were different. How could they be different? They already are.
Namaste.
With warmth,
MattNovember 14, 2013 at 3:10 am #45301Sebastian K
ParticipantI don’t think people need relationships, they just think they do. However, 2-player sure beats 1 in many of lifes challenges.
November 17, 2013 at 7:24 pm #45418harsh_me
ParticipantYour emotions can be human or can be like football. If you let her play with your emotional balance then it was completely by your own choice. There is nothing wrong in talking to her or responding to her. But you don’t have to necessarily know why, what of her actions. The best way you can answer her is by being polite and never asking about your past. If you respected the relationship then find out if she is happy being there. Give her benefit of doubt she might have lied you because she didn’t have enough strength to tell the truth. But if she is happy being there then there is no reason for you to be unhappy . This is the best thing you can do to make her realize that she too lost a good relationship. At the end of it, these are trivial things in the bigger picture of your life. Couple of years down the line you’ll be sitting with a cup of tea in your hand and smiling at yourself for this emotional disturbance you are going through.
All the best my friend.
HarshNovember 19, 2013 at 5:55 pm #45503Melinda
ParticipantHi Bodhisatva,
First of all, I feel for you. One day, when your a fully enlightened spiritual guru (kind of kidding) you will look back at all of this and laugh. I promise. So many of us have been in this position before, including myself. I think it really doesn’t matter if you e-mail her or not, because that really isn’t the problem. I think the bigger issue is what your feeling, and how you can “feel it, and heal it”. Our brains are geniuses at distracting us from uncomfortable feelings.
This is just a guess, but perhaps all this drama worrying about “answers” and “why” is really a distraction from the pain. Your obviously still in pain, and thinking up stories and worrying about “why” is only distracting you from feeling what you need to. I only know because I have been in those trenches before. How did I get out? I acknowledged my thoughts, but I didn’t let them “lead me”. I finally realized all the “long talks” with the “other person” only made me more anxious, and never really helped the pain. Once I realized that this situation happened for my “healing and evolution” I was able to step back. I was able to look at the experience as a learning and healing experience. I quit all the drama, and just allowed myself to feel. I cried (without telling myself stories), got angry, got scared. And when it was all done … I laughed with friends about all the drama of that time :). The experience doesn’t hold the same emotional charge it used to, because I allowed those emotions/energy to move through me … and not control me.
I won’t lie, it wasn’t always easy. Healing and evolving rarely are. However, with the realization that the universe knows exactly what experiences we need to heal, I was able to get through it. I would not trade the experience for anything, because it taught me so much about myself, where I hurt, and where I needed to heal. I am sending good energy your way 🙂
Melinda
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