Why don't guys go after me?

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 4 months ago by Katie.

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April 13, 2018 at 5:57 pm #202301
Katie
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Guys don’t go after me. I used to have a decent amount of guys who would hit on me when I went out with friends and a few who would hit me up on social media. I’d say I used to have a good amount of guys who thought I was attractive and who would flirt with me. Now, no guys hit on me. I do have a boyfriend, which may be the reason. But my friends have boyfriends yet they still get hit on. The only reason I’d say guys don’t hit on me regarding my boyfriend is because a lot of people think he is super intimidating. He is known to be the kid you don’t mess with. So maybe that’s why? But I am still not buying it. In school I am super quiet, rarely making friends (which sounds bad, but I just stick with my group of friends. I am a naturally shy person so I don’t talk much). So maybe that’s why? Maybe I am just not approachable? I don’t know…. even though I have a boyfriend and would never cheat on him, knowing that guys are attracted to me is reassurance. I see girls who aren’t out of this world beautiful and they get guys going after them, so why don’t guys seem to like me? Do I give off the wrong vibes? Do guys back off because they know I have a boyfriend? What’s going on??? I feel ugly
- This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Katie.
April 14, 2018 at 5:47 am #202347

Anonymous
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Dear Katie:

I don’t know how you look like but I trust you, from having read some of your previous threads, that you are not ugly.

You wrote: “What’s going on???”- I think what is going on is that you are very self centered, believing somehow that the world needs to revolve around you, accommodate your every desire.

In this thread your desire is that guys will go after you. It doesn’t matter to you that if they do, their feelings will get hurt when you reject them (because you already have a boyfriend), or that they may get hurt by your boyfriend (who you stated looks intimidating and to whom you may tell, if anther guy goes after you). None of these things matter.

What matters is that guys go after you so that you will feel good, so that you feel as good as other girls who have boyfriends and other guys go after them anyway.

What matters is that you feel good, that is the only thing that matters. This is what I mean by being very self centered.

It will serve you better in life to exit that mindset, and take in other people’s well-being into your consideration.

anita

April 14, 2018 at 8:23 am #202373

Anonymous
Guest

* correction and elaboration: I went a bit with an all-or-nothing thinking here. Probably other people’s well-being does matter to you somewhat, maybe your parents’ well being (it always does, for a child), maybe some other people’s well-being matters too.

What I understand is that you may often focus on you feeling good at the exclusion of others’ well-being, as in the example I gave you, regarding young men going after you (the title of your thread), caring that something happens so that you feel good, not giving a thought to what this thing happening will cause others.

My suggestion is: think of your well being and of others’ well being as you interact with people. Make your interactions with others a Win-Win prospect.

anita

April 15, 2018 at 4:05 pm #202555

Katie
Participant

Anita,

Yeah that makes sense. I guess the only way I’d be able to complain about guys not going after me is if I were single and showing 100% availability. I don’t know, I’m still insecure though.

April 15, 2018 at 4:24 pm #202565

Mark
Participant

Katie,

It is a losing proposition if you depend on others to validate you. If you measure your worth by who likes you, who goes after you, etc. then there is no Self, there is no self love.

If you want to feel good about yourself then do what anita suggests and enjoy who you are. Look at what great qualities you have and celebrate that.

Mark

June 18, 2018 at 12:10 pm #212949

Sege
Participant

Hi,

That fact that you need other guys hitting on you while you have a boyfriend kinda says a lot about your mindset. Insecurity / low self esteem I assume. Although, I do know most women need compliments for some kind of assurance but, shouldn’t you be more worried about that of you boyfriend?

Now let’s switch things a bit. How would you feel knowing your boyfriend wishes to be hit on and constantly desired by other women when he already has you? It goes both ways you know.

You’re beautiful because as you mentioned, guys were hitting on you in the past and hey, you’re the girl with a boyfriend who probably adores you. What more could you want?

Stay calm and don’t over think everything.

June 19, 2018 at 5:43 am #213115

M
Participant

Focus on improving yourself and your qualities instead of relying on others to tell you you’re attractive to make you happy

June 19, 2018 at 8:17 am #213153

Anonymous
Inactive

Hey Katie,

I totally get it. Its really nice when other guys pay attention to you. Its also real nice when other people pay attention to you in general. It gives you a sense of feeling wanted.

I know friends who always seem to get approached by other guys and who are interesting to others. I think their secret is that they actually invest time in themselves and dont really care about what others think about them. Maybe they are working on a big project or making plans for the future. Because they are so self invested, they make others feel curious enough to ask about what is going on in their lives. My approachable friends also do not talk to others with the intent of “im going to say this and this and theyll like me”. They just say whatever they want unappoligetically. Other people sense when someone is trying to hard to be likeable. When my friend doesnt try to be likeable, it helps the pther person loosen up.

July 29, 2019 at 12:27 pm #305523

Katie
Participant

I am looking back on all of my old threads, and everything that everyone has said in the comments is true. About a year later, I feel like my crippling self-doubt and low self-esteem are more apparent than ever. I think this was the beginning stages of my journey into realizing how low my self-esteem is. At the same time, I am improving and becoming more confident.

I also want to state that I don’t think I was being realistic. The truth is, I rarely went out. I went to high school, went home, or hung out with my boyfriend. I was rarely even in social situations where guys could hit on me. I think I was comparing myself to my friends who were in social situations more often than I was. For example, my best friend had a very serious relationship similar to mine, but she had a job where she would interact with a lot of guys our age. She also was very prevalent on social media and was constantly posting pictures of herself, while I posted on Instagram 3 times a year. Obviously, she is going to get more attention.

After entering college, I was constantly in social situations… and guys did end up hitting on me. So I think I was just confused. I was being pretty self-centered… first, because I had a boyfriend, second because I expected guys to hit on me no matter what, and third because I expected to be hit on by guys without even putting myself in a situation where they could. I am still working on feeling confident without having the validation from others. It’s a process but I’m trying.
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