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Why have i turned into an insecure mess?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months ago.

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  • #289785

    apple-slice
    Participant

    Hello. I need some advice regarding my relationship.

    So I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months now. We’ve known each other far longer than that and we established a good friendship before all this. Theres a bit of a history between us. We met about 3 years ago or so through a mutual friend. That mutual friend was his girlfriend and at the time there was nothing going on between us it was purely platonic. Fast forward to when they broke up, me and him still kept in contact and with time we developed feelings for each other but decided to not do anything because it wasnt the best decision to date given the circumstances. After a few months of us talking and having this “thing” he suddenly stopped talking to me. It was subtle at first and then it turned into us not talking for a whole week. (which was weird for us) He then told me he had gotten back together with his previous girlfriend, which absolutely crushed and enraged me and we had a huge fight regarding that. After that that we stopped talking and eventually i fell out with his girlfriend too. Fast forward to last year. I had completely forgotten about him. Like absolutely forgotten and was dating a guy at the time. He messaged me on facebook and i was stunned to hear from him. After all this time he had the audacity to talk to me and especially after what he did? I was shocked. I decided to respond and we got into a conversation which started with him owning up to what he did and apologizing to me and explaining things. He then explained everything that had happened to him. His girlfriend had cheated on him for several months and he had been in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship with her which eventually lead him to feel depressed. I felt pretty bad for him but didn’t plan on becoming friends with him after what he had done to me. We talked for a bit and he asked if he could be my friend but i declined. After a few days he contacted me again and told me he was in a really bad place and needed a friend. I kind of thought that was weird bc i already had told him that i didnt want to but i went with it bc i felt bad for him. Anyways fast forward to a few months later we had basically built a friendship together and had discussed what he did to me a few times and got all the cards in the table. Basically i told him how horrible it felt how enraged and sad it made me feel and he told me that he knows he fucked up and would always feel guilty for hurting me in that way and comforted me. So after all of this happened a few months later we got into a relationship (i had been single since the summer of last year) and its been going good so far but lately i’ve been feeling insanely insecure. Its not so much what hes doing because hes really good to me, hes nice, loving, affectionate, listens to my problems etc and vice versa but bc of the fact that we are long distance it feels like hes been unavailable lately and we haven’t had many meaningful conversations. I’ve been also feeling insecure because of what happened, of how he hurt me and keep thinking that i was his second choice. Whenever i think about him and his ex it makes me feel furious and i still hold anger towards him for that. I don’t know how i can let that go because he’s proven himself loyal to me. I also feel like he doesn’t tell me about his emotional well being a lot, and in general doesn’t tell me as much as id like him to. It’s like theres this mystery still around us and from my part too. I’m thinking that he might not be as emotionally available as i thought but i’m not either so thats not the best combination. I know this relationship is pretty new and we have a lot of things to explore and tell each other but damn I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I might’ve gotten too attached to him. I just want to be as close to him as i possibly can and I’ve turned into this insecure mess and its weird and scary. I honestly do have a lot of insecurities and need reassurance (which he does provide me with) but lately i haven’t been feeling super close to him and im confused as hell.

    I need some advice for what to do because we’ve already talked about the fact that i was feeling a bit neglected from him bc we haven’t had time to talk on the phone or we haven’t been very affectionate lately and that has improved but since hes busy a lot during the day (cause of his job) and i don’t have time during the afternoon its been kinda shitty. I feel like there’s something missing.

    Thanks to anyone that reads this, advice is greatly appreciated.

    #289799

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hannah:

    I suppose you did meet him in person, correct? If so, can you describe how often you met him in person and how was the relationship between the two  of you when physically in the same place together?

    anita

    #289809

    apple-slice
    Participant

    We haven’t met yet but we’re going to meet in a week or so. He’s coming over to where I live.

    #289817

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple-slice:

    And the mutual friend who introduced you to him, his girlfriend at the time, later to break up and get back together again, later to cheat on him, was she also his long distance girlfriend as well as your long distance friend?

    anita

    #289839

    apple-slice
    Participant

    Yes she was his long distance girlfriend but not my long distance friend.

    #289859

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple-sauce:

    I need to be away from the computer but will return to your thread when I am back in about 14 hours from now. Feel free to add any information that may be relevant. I will read and reply to  you when I am back.

    anita

    #289863

    Mark
    Participant

    apple-slice,

    So this relationship of 4 months has been one of phone calls and/or texts and/or Facetime/Skype?  You have never met him at all and this visit in a week will be the first time you have actually see each other face-to-face?

    When you said you two have not been affectionate lately, what does that affection look like?  Is in the form of words that convey fondness, warmth, tenderness and care?

    My take all these feelings of  something being missing may all go away when you actually see him.  Be patient and see what happens.

    Mark

    #289891

    apple-slice
    Participant
      <li style=”text-align: left;”>Yes we skype and have phone calls as often as we can. Exactly, the affection we share is of loving and caring words. I think you’re right it might all go away once we meet and i can’t wait for that to happen. I think the whole root of the problem is that we havent had much time lately and I overthink things a lot so i might jump to conclusions quickly.
    #289907

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple-slice:

    You had a female friend who was an online girlfriend of this guy. Later, you became an online girlfriend of this guy. You will be meeting him soon in-person for the first time.

    I suggest that you view that day when you meet him in person for the first time as the first day of your relationship with him. It will be the first day that you will be able to feel his touch, his hand holding yours. It will be the first day that you will be able to smell him as he hugs you, if he does. Talk with him about anything and everything, in person. See how those things feel, these new dimensions of knowing a person, this new beginning.

    Let go of his online history with your former friend and with you, see it as a closed chapter and turn to the new.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by  anita.
    #289957

    apple-slice
    Participant

    Wow you’re absolutely right. Thank you for this.

    #289961

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, apple-slice. Post again if you need to and I will reply.

    anita

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