Dear Jana:

“I was considered as the weakest and thus the easiest target… regularly attacked by bullies and I wasn’t allowed to leave… I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment… The school system in 90s and early 2000s in the Czech Republic was still very communist-like:… mistakes or even little misbehavior were punished but never explained.. And so.. that happy, curious and very thoughtful girl turned into a frightened, anxious little thing full of doubts…I was looked at as the ‘strange’ and ‘sick’ one… and the alienation grew and grew“-

– As I understand it, growing up, you experienced the societal survival of the fittest/ dog eat dog mentality and behavior that is often associated with harsh, competitive environments, such as former communist societies, where competition over limited resources was intense and individuals turned to aggression so to establish dominance, hierarchy, so to successfully compete.

It is a common behavior in animals who live in social groups: it is the aggressors that win over limited resources such as food, shelter and mates.

“I was in a group of boys, many of whom had troubles with aggression. I had an opportunity to speak to them during breaks and I realized that they were ‘victims’ of that cold atmosphere of that time, as well.. no communication, no feelings, no understanding, just orders, criticism and rebukes“- from online: in former communist societies, the environment was often characterized by a lack of open communication, emotional expression, and mutual understanding. Instead, interactions were dominated by orders, criticism, and rebukes.

The state exerted strict control over all aspects of life, including the economy, education, and personal behavior. This often led to a top-down approach where orders were given without room for feedback or discussion. Any form of dissent or criticism of the state was harshly repressed. This created an atmosphere of fear and self-censorship, where people were afraid to express their true thoughts and feelings.

Public criticism and rebukes were common tools used to enforce conformity and discipline. Individuals who did not adhere to the state’s ideology or directives were often publicly shamed or punished. Emotional expression was often suppressed in favor of maintaining a stoic and disciplined demeanor. This led to a culture where feelings were not openly discussed or valued. Decisions were made by a centralized authority, and individuals had little say in the matters that affected their lives. This created a sense of powerlessness and frustration among the populace. This environment could lead to a sense of alienation and disconnection among people.

Back to your share: “So, yes – I did overcome my social phobia… I haven’t suffered from social phobia for about 10 years“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O N s !!!

“But even though I have overcome my worst nightmare and I am very happy – I have a loving man and we live near the forest where I can be with the animals and roam the woods, meadows and fields like before, I still have a feeling that I haven’t found a peace when it comes to people and society… I am not shy anymore.. but I still feel a little fear, a little rejection from society.. for who I am. I think I am not healed completely“- congratulations for all your accomplishments and progress. And, I believe, when we encounter repeated aggression as children and without correction/ support throughout many years, we don’t heal completely. Part of the damage done cannot be undone, but any and every healing that is possible makes life so much better.

“I found out that even now in my adulthood, my reserved and calm nature is a trigger for some people. The difference is that now they cannot beat me.. so they at least shout at me or blame me for being too passive, unsociable… is it really that bad to be good and calm? I think that people still take out their suffering on me.. as I am probably still an easy target“- I am trying to understand this part. Can you give me a few examples of incidents where recently, people have shouted at you, and/ or blamed you being too passive and unsociable: who blamed you, in what contexts, what do they actually say to you, and when did they raise their voices? How did you react?

anita

Hi Jana,

Thank you for sharing such an honest and personal story.

You sound like a beautiful person!

I’d like to try and answer your questions but also offer some advice if you don’t mind which I just hope may help you.

To answer your questions first this is does provide an answer but I think you can go beyond this which I’ll say after. As I think I saw above, firstly,  people with insecurities (most people) will not only see your apparent weakness as an opportunity to dominate someone and feel powerful (which their ego craves), but also your calmness may anger them if they see that as a weakness in themselves. This is all subconscious. So they have 2 reasons for attack. It’s built into their brain patterns to behave this way. It doesn’t make it right, but hopefully you see you are definitely not deserving of any attack and it is not a thought out reaction but unfortunately how we evolved as a species.

How you handle the situations is has 2 veey different approaches. To learn how to stick up for yourself and end an attack would normally have required help and encouragement from others (and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had that) and been developed over time. Hopefully you have some support now from your partner and any community you’re in, even this one. There’s a few stages to this. First of all you have to understand that you should not be being attacked, you don’t deserve it, you deserve only love. This is love for your self. You then have to decide on what course of action to take which depends entirely on the circumstances.  At work, bullying can be reported, but elsewhere it can’t unless violent. In both cases, it’s better you start to learn how to deter attacks and this is by loving yourself enough to want to defend yourself. Simply speak your mind and never stop. If someone says a nasty comment towards you keep your calmness, which is your greatest strength in these situations,  and ask for an apology or state that you didn’t like what they said. If you keep a clear head, stay honest, and just simply challenge comments in this way, you will appear strong not someone to be bullied.

You may find confidence to do this difficult to find at first but it’s simply retraining your brain to act like this. Martial arts, especially boxing, can help with confrontation confidence in a safe environment and is good for mind and body. Not required as it doesn’t sound like you would normally like this sort of thing but you may be surprised!!

Alternatively to the above, my more spiritual advice, is that your obvious sensitivity, kindness, softness, calmness is a gift you where born with. We’ve all got egos programmed through genetics and environment. They are all unique and this happens to be you at the moment. There is no need to want to change, no need to change, no need to feel hurt by others commenting, no need to compare yourself to others. To feel hurt by other comments is to allow them to control you. Only you should have control of your emotions. The hurt is in your own interpretation of their attacks. If you observe how they’re just programmed to behave this way and watch them play it out, instead of feeling hurt or attacked,  you may just feel sympathy for them having such little awareness of themselves. Personally,  I am like this. I’m very rarely attacked as I’m a very masculine tough looking guy but if it happens I am always calm and actually,  although this may sound crazy, I love anyone attacking me, verbally or physically (within reason!) as its an opportunity for a different experience that I find joy in. I may laugh or make a joke at someone if they are angry, I may apologise if I am in the wrong and actually agree with them, or I may simply tell them they are wrong. Whatever happens  I do not let it control me as I have learnt over many years, outside influences do not control my mind. If your joy is controlled by things that happen in your life, life is difficult.

Accept who you, accept where you are and accept what you do each day. You are perfect right now and do not need to change anything. You can of course change, but this is just choices changing your story of your life. Just a bit of fun.

Find joy in everything you do. Not happiness. Joy is that deep contentment you find when you are alone in the woods with animals. It’s always there with you. Search for it at more difficult times. This is when you can start to distance yourself from your reactive brain, the ego.  The more you do this, the greater the distance you feel from it and subsequently,  the less any thoughts effect your emotions. When this is working well, you will see you can no longer be attacked as you watch people fire at your ego. You can then just look at your ego from this distance and assess what was said, almost like it was not directed straight at YOU and act accordingly without feeling any change in emotion. Just some background of my experience, I have been bankrupt while responsible for a family, had medical emergencies with family, and recently had my wife want a separation while we still have 3 kids at home. I’ve never felt depressed, sad yes, but even at the worst times, I’ve been aware of the joy of life changing, giving us all a chance to adapt and experience new things. My wife and I have never had an argument or even shouted and we’ve separated with kids seemingly very happy with the changes.  People ask me if I’m OK often and I’m never aware of the emotions they mean. I just feel joy all the time.

So you can either learn to protect yourself, or use all these experiences to deepen your feeling of joy in this world and just enjoy being you.

Hi Jana

I’m happy to have made you smile. 😊

I’m from Britain which is mostly half atheist and half Christian with fewer people practicing other religions. A lot of the older generations are Christian, but the younger generations tend to be atheist. Our culture is passive, polite and emotionally repressed. 😂

I’m sorry to hear that your country isn’t open to spirituality. It is a shame that you have had to hide that part of you. I’m glad to hear that your boyfriend is very accepting and likes Buddhism too. It is nice to have someone that you can share even the hidden parts of yourself with without judgement.

My husband is Buddhist and whilst I’m not a Buddhist, he says that I act like one. 😂 I hear that Buddhism is also compatible with Athiesm. For some people, it is more of a philosophy as opposed to a religion.

Have you ever tried a loving kindness meditation? I found it really helpful.

I think that you have a good level of self awareness and it sounds correct that it hurts you inside when these difficulties happen.

With the situation of that older lady, you have a kind heart. You did everything that you could have and I think that you handled the situation well.

For the students you lost. As an ex-teacher, losing students is a part of teaching sometimes. It isn’t your job to motivate your students, it is their responsibility to motivate themselves because they should care about their studies. You cannot make someone who doesn’t care, care. It is your job to teach. If students are not motivated to learn it is not your fault.

Thank you for sharing your story. I do think that it is very inspirational! ☀️

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Jana

Ideally we all would be able to lhelp everyone with thier lives. You set good boundaries with the older lady, some seeds of kindness take longer to germinate than others (it can even take lifetimes) There are teachings about gift giving,  you gave her the gift of your companionship, what she chooses to do with it is up to her. When we give any gift we relinquish ownership of it otherwise it is not truly a gift. Likewise when some one is angry with us, we have the choice whether to accept their  unpleasant gift.

You certainly cant go wrong with any of Thich Nat Hans teachings. He was a deeply wise & compassionate person.

As for the Diamond Way as I understand it when the 16th Karmarpa passed 2 people were “found”  as the 17th Karmarpa this led to a spilt in the lineage. Though both were ordained one has since disrobed and married. My friend follows one and I follow the other, the way we choose to see it in our limited simple way that keeps the harmony between us is like the 16th Karmapa is our grandfather and he had twin sons our fathers. Also truth like gravity does not belong to anyone, but to all.

Keep on with the intention to heal & grow. Think how extraordinary Helen Keller was. It took just one person to see possibilities for her and act upon them, the rest is history.

Best wishes

Roberta