Hello,

first of all, I would like to write that I am very glad to have found this forum. I hope that I might find my small online sangha here. 🙂

I would like to briefly introduce myself, too. I am Jana (female, 35) from Czechia and I am quite new to Buddhism. I hope that one day I will be able to put my fear of people to rest for good with my deeper understanding and compassion. I apologize that my story is so long… I guess I needed to unburden myself to you here…

I must write a few words about my childhood because I believe that it shaped some of my worries and puzzlement… I am very introverted and as a child I used to be very sensitive and shy, as well. But I remember being a happy and playful child. I spent a lot of time outside before I turned 6. My parents were very relaxed – they weren’t overprotective and I could play alone outside and discover the world. I loved roaming the streets and nearby woods and because I was really shy I never got myself in troubles with strangers or teenage groups who were smoking etc. I usually joined someone and just watched what they were doing or listened to them, but as soon as the situation got “dangerous” for me (someone asking me to go home with them, giving me cigarettes, picking on me, …), I took leave of them. I played with many animals – rabbits, hedgehogs, cats, frogs, bugs, … I brought a few of them home. 🙂 I had a wonderful imagination and built a wooden house in the woods where I enjoyed my time alone or with some random kids from neighborhood. I remember I was also very meditative at this early age – I was thinking about my soul and some energies which moved my body. I like to “listen” to my heartbeat. I thought that I just borrowed my body here in this life… I was very aware of that I am not only “material” but also something spiritual and it really fascinated me.

However, yet before I started school, my mom took me to hobby clubs – sports, piano lessons, … There were many kids, a big group of unknown people, and I started to feel very anxious. I was really terrified by groups of new people and new activties. I don’t know exactly why. I guess it was my extreme introversion and shyness. When I was outside with unknown people, I felt comfortable because I could leave when I needed… I guess… but in this formal environment I couldn’t just leave because when I did, I got scolded by adults. I lost my “independence” and “control” over the situation.

It was also the first time when I was physically attacked by others in these hobby groups. Being very introverted, I wasn’t able to make friends (I always prefered to watch and listen to others… and I still do) and I didn’t fit in. And you know how it goes in groups of kids… I was considered as the weakest and thus the easiest target. And I never knew how to protect myself (and I still don’t know how…) and I was always told that I had to stay there without understanding or explanation. I found myself in a very conflicting situation – I was trapped in a place where I wasn’t welcomed and regularly attacked by bullies and I wasn’t allowed to leave… actually I was literally ordered to stay without discussion. And I didn’t understand why.

I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldn’t run away, and my sensitive nature couldn’t resist it. And it got even worse at elementary school. The school system in 90s and early 2000s in the Czech Republic was still very communist-like: memorizing, repetition, absolutely no space for creativity or play, mistakes or even little misbehavior were punished but never explained. I was exposed to many unpleasant situations. For example, I was forced to stand in front of others, which by itself was a horror for me, and sing (which I couldn’t do well) or recite long poems (which my little head couldn’t remember) or answer test questions and then I was repeatedly ridiculed by the teacher and consequently bullied by my classmates… You can probably imagine how my self-confidence was getting worse and worse.

And so… that happy, curious and very thoughful girl turned into a frightened, anxious little thing full of doubts. I was very confused. I was a good child, I wanted to know the world, to learn, I was just (and still am) very introverted and I needed more freedom to grow. But people at school attacked me… mentally and physically. I got a very bad perception of myself… I was tender and calm and it was bad… I didn’t understand why.

I developed a very strong social phobia. I remember feeling very sick when I got up in the morning and I had to go to school. I was shaking in the class and when I had to be tested in front of the classmates, I just couldn’t speak. Things got worse and worse, as nobody – teachers, parents, let alone pupils – were educated enough to understand my problems and I was looked at as the “strange” and “sick” one. And my little head had no other solution for this than to skip school… So, I wasn’t just the “weird” one but also problematic… and my social phobia took over me and the alienation grew and grew…

I was sent to a psychologist. I was 12 or 13. And although the child psychologist couldn’t help me because he was very inexperienced (it was quite a new thing that time), I got very important insights there. Firstly, I realized that I wasn’t the only one who had problems and that I didn’t have to feel as a “freak” because of my social phobia. And secondly, I had a chance to understand the other side. I was in a group of boys, many of whom had troubles with aggression. I had an opportunity to speak to them during breaks and I realized that they were “victims” of that cold atmosphere of that time, as well… no communication, no feelings, no understanding, just orders, criticism and rebukes… I could see and hear that they were actually very sensitive beings, lost like me…And while I became more and more distant from people and at worst ran away, they built a wall around themselves and at worst dealt blows to others. I realized that not all the beating was because of hatred for me, but that it was a result of some frustration of not being listened to or understood… which I felt, too… I was just an easy target.

I hope that all the boys were able to find peace and a way out of their problems and are happy today. I’ve never met them again since then. I also would like to write that I don’t blame anyone… I don’t blame the kids, the teachers, my parents or myself. I know that we all were at some stage of life and many of us would have done many things differently… I know it very well because when I was in my late twenties my mom was very unhappy that she couldn’t help me when I was little and she really needed reassurance from me that I could forgive her… which, of course, I could. I never blamed her and by that time I had already overcome my social phobia and saw things with more mature eyes.

So, yes – I did overcome my socia phobia. 🙂 When I turned 20 and started living on my own, I realized that I had to do something about my phobia, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to integrate into society. Around the time of my graduation, my problems were getting worse again and I had panic attacks (the uncontrolable shaking) even during routine activities like grocery shopping. And unfortunately as a student of hotel management high school, I found my “medicine” – alcohol. I had access to it everywhere (practice at bars, restaurants, hotels, banguets, …) and I found out that it helped me a lot in critical situations… I’m not proud of it, but as a teenager I drank a lot… I knew that it was just a way to hell for me… (today I don’t drink alcohol at all)

I contacted a man in Prague who taught meditation and EFT… And I haven’t suffered from social phobia for about 10 years. 🙂 And after university I found myself again in front of students in the class – but this time as a teacher – and I didn’t shake, I could speak fluently and I can say that I even felt quite confident. It was a miracle for me… When I was a child, I never believed I could overcome my social phobia. (I never entered Czech education system, I work as a private teacher)

But even though I have overcome my worst nightmare and I am very happy – I have a loving man and we live near the forest where I can be with the animals and roam the woods, meadows and fields like before, I still have a feeling that I haven’t found a peace when it comes to people and society.

I wrote that as a child I was very introverted and shy… and I am still very introverted, I am a lone wolf… I am also very calm, I don’t speak much… and as I also mentioned before, I prefer listening and watching others. I am actually still the same girl just older and maybe wiser. But I am not shy anymore… but I still feel a little fear, a little rejection from society… for who I am. I think I am not healed completely or I need to understand why I am so bad for some people.

I’ve had quite a challenging year in terms of human relationships. I was confronted for who I am (by people who do not belong to my family). And I found out that even now in my adulthood, my reserved and calm nature is a trigger for some people. The difference is that now they cannot beat me… so they at least shout at me or blame me for being too pasive, unsociable, …

And those confusing thoughts came back to me again… is it really that bad to be good and calm? I think that people still take out their suffering on me… as I am probably still an easy target… What should I do when I am confronted by people? Can I help them relieve the suffering without picking on me? Do you also find introverts and tender people as a target? Do you know why?

Now I’m a bit stuck in my thoughts and I can’t finish my story properly. 🙂 I think I should finish now and maybe later when I get some answers and thoughts from you, I will be able to elaborate more on my thoughts.

I would like to thank you very much for reading this far and I look forward to the discussion and getting to know you better! 

Have a nice evening! (It is after 4PM here) 🙂