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Will my abusive mom ever change?

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  • #83667
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    This is my first time here. I’m a 17 year old girl living with my dad, mom, and little brother. I’ll give some back story. Starting from when I was five, my mom would take out her anger on my father due to being unhappy at her job. She called me every name in the book daily. I was the bitch, asshole, idiot, and was born, from another planet because I couldn’t do anything right. I slowly started to develop a low self esteem. She and my dad argued daily too, and I was in the middle of everything. I cried so much on a daily basis. It got to the pint of the talking about divorce, and my mom forcing me to hate my dad on occasion. If I didn’t ignore him she would yell at me. Also, she would tell me not to tell anyone about what she did to me, because I would get taken away. When I was twelve, she started to discipline me with the belt buckle for getting bad grades on school. I would cry, because it was painful and when she would hit me I screamed. She used this type of “discipline” and until I was 15. By this time I was suicidal. I wanted to die everyday. I was afraid to tell anynOne because my mom would hurt me. My dad is and was powerless and so he couldn’t do much. Whenever I would confront her about the abuse in a calm manner, she would curse me out, saying how I was never abused and that things happened due to stress and it was my fault. She said I was a handful and was hard to raise. I even talked about therapy, but she doesn’t want to do it. What also surprises me is how she will act so mean to me and when someone else comes she will act all nice and sweet like nothing ever happened. Although there are times where she does act loving, it hurts a lot. We had a fist fight 4 days after my highschool graduation because I left my room. It was really stupid, and she threatened to hit me. Scared, I tried to defend myself. I tried to call 911 and she scratched the phone out my hand. When I tried to run out of my room, she blocked the door. When I tried to runout the apartment, she blocked it also. Afterwards, she hit me with a bat three times, told me that I am an ungreatful daughter, and left the house, saying that she would come back and that I’d better stay put. I ran to my neighbor, and she told me to just go back because my mom said so. Afterwards, my mom told me neighbor about it and laughed, saying “girl, my daughter tried to run and call the cops. I’m like, you ain’t doing that, so I beat her ass. Hahahaha!”. I felt so bad right there. I understand that she was stressed and grew up hard, but abuse has no excuse. What I find odd is that my grandfather apparently was harsh on her growing up, but she easily forgave him. No one in my family besides my dad knows about her abusive nature. I’m in college as of now. My mom is mentally unstable, and people tell me that she will change and acknowledge her wrong doing, and that I should give her a chance and forget her wrong doing. I don’t know what to do.

    #83668
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    #83669
    anita
    Participant

    Dear pikachumew2:

    Your abusive mother is not likely to change. Abusing comes easy to her, why would she change what comes easy? She doesn’t see any wrong to it- she doesn’t look for the wrong in it- why would she change? She would not hit you if you hit her back and by such experience she would learn to associate her OWN physical pain with hitting you. Then that behavior will change. Your mother has no heart- no heart for you. She does have a heart for her own father.

    And this is the case normally: a child (in age or an adult-child) will do everything he/ she can to not hurt the parent, to please the parent- but the parent will not reciprocate. It is the parent who is not committed to change for the child. It is the child willing to twist herself either which way (to child’ own detriment and harm) so to please the parent.

    So if the normal pattern continues, you, pikachumew2, will harm your own son or daughter when you have one while you will forgive your mother.

    Unless you stop this pattern yourself: unless you focus your energies on your own well being and not on pleasing an abusive mother.

    anita

    #83670
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am not abusive myself. I’m far from it. I treat my brother, who is 9, very well and we’re very close. I also am going to counseling at my school tomorrow for help.

    #83672
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi pikachumew2,

    In a few years YOU will be in a position to raise your brother. Is she abusive to him as well? If so, after graduation and when you have your first apartment and first job, he can (should!) live with you. I personally would keep my head low through college, and only return the house three times ~ for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. Summers get a job far away. Then, at the first hint of her abusing your brother or if she ever dares raise her hand against you, CALL the police and then SUE her for FULL custody!

    Alternatively, take a self defense course. One Police Hold #7 will not harm her, and will in fact shock her into instant respect.

    Believe It!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #83673
    anita
    Participant

    Dear pikachmew2:

    I did not suggest that you are abusive. I suggested that if history repeats, you will be abusive when you are a mother to your future child, not now.

    What happens with your mother is NONE of your fault. You are 100% innocent in this, completely faultless. You are being mistreated, abused. Wrong is being done to you. She is 100% guilty. You are 100% innocent.

    I hope you re-read parts of my first comment to you.

    anita

    #83675
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My mom sometimes is verbally abusive to my little brother. And I commute to college, so I have to go back home everyday. Also, my mom won’t allow me to get a job. She wants me to focus on my education, and so if I try to get ones, she’ll go insane. She is also controlling and goes by “they are my kids you didn’t birth them so you can’t take them” mentality.

    #83676
    anita
    Participant

    Dear pikachemew2:

    I wanted to go over your original post and point to your mother’s abusive ways:calling you degrading names, telling you that you can’t do anything right, arguing with your father in front of you, pressuring you to hate your father, yelling at you, telling you not to tell anyone about (anything, particularly what she was doing to you), threatening you with being taken away from her (in reality, not a bad thing, but very scary to a child), hitting you, especially into your mid teens, not noticing or caring that you were considering suicide, denying your reality, that is denying that she was abusing you and that you were abused, blaming you for you being abused by her, telling you that you were handful (as if there is something wrong with you and that you brought undo stress on her, stress she just had to release somehow, poor her the “victim”- switching reality: claiming you are guilty and she is your victim when in reality it is exactly the opposite), blocking your way when you tried to leave the apartment.

    I am very familiar with a mother acting all so nice to others- see she is a bully, acting aggressively with those weaker than her, a child is the easiest prey. Your father, well, you wrote that he is weak.

    I do hope you get away from your mother as soon as you can. The fact that she is sometimes kind means nothing at all since everyone- no matter how cruel and how many people they killed- everyone is sometimes kind.

    Don’t let that confuse you. Everyone hurts and everyone is sometimes kind but not everyone hurts others, not repeatedly, like your mother has and still hurts you.

    I would aim toward ending all communication with your mother as soon as is possible and spend no energy whatsoever on changing her. That will be a lifetime waste. You are 17, figure this now, not when you are 71, or as some never do.

    anita

    #83678
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Along with everything you pointed out anita, my mom also puts me down about my weight. If I gain a little, she will say “you know what, if you want to gain weight and die then so be it. I tried to tell you, but you don’t care.” And “when I was your age, I wanted to be nice and slim. But yiu dint give a shit don’t you.” I’m not even overwheigt! I’m about 140 and I excersize daily and eat fruits and drink water! And she does this daily, even when I was a kid! She would by junk food, and when I didn’t want to eat home food, she’d out me down about how I’m gonna die and yet still buy me junk food. The same thing with my school work. I’m very good in school now, but when I was younger is struggled. She would let me play a lot of games and watch tv, and when I failed a test, she would say “I” wanted to fail and that it’s my fault. And now she’s doing the exact same thing to my brother. He cries, and it hurts me. Now she’s saying how she’s gonna beat my brother because he messed up on a test.

    #83684
    anita
    Participant

    Dear pikachumew2:

    This is very, very sad for you and for your brother. Very sad. Your mother is abusive in many ways. The sooner you get out of her presence, the better for you. Same for your brother. If there is any place for you and/ or for your brother to live, away from her, it will be the thing to do. Tell your brother what she is doing to him is not right, not fair. Of course, it can come around to bite you, so to speak, if he tells her. I hope that somehow you can help him by planting in him the seed that he is not to blame for her abuse of him, that the fault (like in your case) is NOT with him. Damage is done every day in your “home”- it is a tragedy.

    anita

    #83728
    RegretsOnly
    Participant

    Dear pika:

    The best thing you can do — and I speak from experience — is distance yourself from the abuse.

    She is not a positive influence. Find the positive influences. Be careful…You don’t want to try and marry to get away from her. It tried that and that was disaster number 1. I married a man abusive like her. And I couldn’t take it.

    You should get a career going and rebuild your self esteem.

    Worry about yourself first. You can’t save the world until you saved yourself…And the first step is recognizing that she has abused you and you need to heal from this void somehow.

    Nope, in my case, she never changed, this mother of mine. But I now recognize the damage she has inflicted by controlling it all — my love life, my career, my happiness.

    It only stops when I stop allowing it! You have the power. Get through school first and start rebelling against her authority. Don’t go nuts. But do what makes YOU happy. And share nothing with her. She’ll just browbeat it out of you. To be successful in this world, you have to decide the right avenue for you and then get started up that street!!!

    #83731
    Kimmy
    Participant

    Home Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline Resources For Kids
    Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
    Resources For Kids
    Resources For Parents
    Resources For Teachers
    Get Help Now!
    Call Our 24/7 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
    1-800-4-A-Child
    Resources for Kids
    What You Should Know

    CALL 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) then push 1 to talk to a hotline counselor. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The hotline counselors work with translators who speak more than 200 languages to help callers who speak a language other than English. All calls are anonymous. (The hotline counselors don’t know who you are and you don’t have to tell them.)

    No one has the right to abuse you.
    You don’t deserve to be abused.
    If you are being abused, you are a victim.
    It’s not your fault that you are being treated this way.
    It is wrong that you are suffering this pain, fear or sadness.
    You are not alone. Other kids suffer abuse, too.
    Sometimes abusers scare or threaten kids so they won’t tell.
    There are people who care about you and want to help you.
    If you are being abused, please tell a safe person – that’s someone you can trust like a teacher, counselor, school nurse, neighbor or parent. You can also talk to a Childhelp hotline counselor.
    How to protect yourself from abuse.
    Do not be alone with anyone who hurts you.
    Listen to the little voice or gut feeling inside you when it says what is being done to you isn’t right.
    Find an adult you trust and tell them what is happening. If they don’t believe you, keep telling other adults until someone does believe you!
    The adult you speak to (perhaps a teacher or a neighbor) may want to tell the police or Child Protective Services about the person who is hurting you. If they don’t know the telephone number to call to make the report, they should call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) and press 1 to speak with a hotline crisis counselor. The crisis counselor will give them the best number to call in your community.
    If you are too nervous or scared to tell someone you know about the abuse, but want it reported to the people who look into child abuse, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), then press 1. A Childhelp hotline counselor can make a three-way call so that you, the hotline counselor, and the person taking the report in your area are all on the telephone at the same time.
    Before you call to make the report, the hotline counselor can tell you what may happen after a report of abuse is made.
    A lot of people don’t realize it, but every day in the United States thousands of kids are abused. That adds up to millions of kids each year. More than 3.3 million in fact.
    Often children and teens are abused by the people who are closest to them like family, friends, sitters, neighbors and sometimes even teachers and coaches. These are the very people that children should feel the safest with.
    You are not alone. If you need help or have questions about child abuse, call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) then push 1 to talk to a counselor. The hotline counselors are available 365 days a year to help kids, and adults who are worried about kids they suspect are being abused. You can call this number if you live in the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Guam or the U.S. Virgin Islands.
    There WILL NOT be a charge for the call on your telephone bill if you use a regular phone or a pay phone. If you use a mobile phone or cell phone, there may be a charge and it may show up on the telephone bill. (Don’t use a mobile or cell phone if you want to be sure your call is a secret.) Do not make prank calls to the hotline. This will tie up the phones and keep us from talking to someone who really needs help right away.

    #83734
    alex
    Participant

    Hello,
    I’m really sorry to read about what’s going on in your life.
    I have been through something very similar, my mom has been the meanest person to me yet. She used to fight with me about anything, and now she does the same thing to my younger brothers who are 17 and 9. I was suicidal and I felt worthless because I didn’t get any support or friendship or love from my mom. Today, I have behavioral problems that affect my adult life in ways that I never could have imagined. But there are therapists and friends and there is hope. You will find peace and light if you just open your heart to it.

    It’s quite hard to talk about this, because it brings up a degree of shame. My own mother didn’t love me as I imagine I will love my kids one day. My mother is only a human being who let stress and negativity get the best of her. My mother would start fighting me on purpose to the point that I lived my days in fear of her coming home. It’s a nightmare and no child should feel that way. And those days when she would break down and cry, I was there for her, as much as a child could, in spite of my emotional problems and my incapacity to react with kindness.

    I ran away from home when I was 19, because I couldn’t take it anymore, The never ending fights and the trauma made me jump out the window and leave for good. I was lucky enough to survive in a world full of strangers, in a city 500 kilometers away from friends and family, but I wouldn’t advise doing that to anybody. It’s dangerous and it’s not wise to make such major changes when you have such a huge emotional burden. Life decisions should be taken from a different angle, when you are lighthearted and when the reason is not running away.

    So after 1 year, my mom lost a lot of weight and she turned for the better. I came back to my hometown and we never shared the same home. She learned to respect my decisions by force and that’s not something I wished, but I think it was necessary. I was tired of being pushed around and neglected, but now I know what was going on, with different eyes, and recently I finished college. She used to tell me that she didn’t think I’d finish high school.

    Along the way, I’ve figured out a few things that helped me understand my mom and somehow find peace with her. Although now we talk like nothing happened, she lost me. We’ll never be friends, but we know each other enough to avoid really talking and things are quite good like that. Except, of course, when she starts going crazy again.

    Anyway. Here are the lessons I’ve learned:
    1. Moms are only human. If your mom treats you badly, it might be because someone treated her badly too and that is the only way that she knows how to express anger and stress and all those negative emotions that everyone has in their lifetime. I read Eckhart Tolle’s book, The power of now, which opened my eyes a lot to why sometimes people would just start blurting out at us, out of nowhere, and what we can do to top that. Understanding their behavior is key to accepting and forgiving and even helping them fix it.

    2. No matter the reason why your mom treats you like that, if you offer understanding, you will find that she might open up and you can help her fix her problems. Sometimes people have a hard time accepting that life has its difficulties, and they might not see how much they hurt the people around them. But every mom has a gentle soul somewhere inside and every mom is not perfect and sometimes needs help to see how things could be different.

    3. I think that kinds who have this kind of a situation have a tendency to fail in school because I believe that the home environment affects them in ways that they stop caring about grades and knowledge. To me, it was just a row of days where I had to be at school, but I didn’t care when the teachers tried to motivate me or tried to make me feel bad for not doing better. That was very bad, and I regret that now. The only thing that we have is the occasion to rise out of the mud by going to school, learning and doing our best to get good grades. It’s hard when you don’t feel motivated, but it’s the only way to go. If you build a career and no longer need your family’s financial support, they will start seeing you as a person, and not as a dependency.

    4. Don’t expect your mother to change, unless what you put out on the table is perfect. That means, if you would suddenly be the best at something and you could make her proud, so that she would brag about you to her friends, then it would change something, but not much. I learned that trying to please my mom was pointless because I had my own path and my own opinion on things that were right and wrong. And the lesson here is that, with a parent like that, you loose sight of the valuable knowledge that other kids get. I lost faith in my mom’s advice and I did things my own way, and I made a lot of mistakes. I learned not to look for her advice because she didn’t know how to give it and she would always have other things to complain about. The world has taught me more than my mom, it’s called learning the hard way. Just be wise always, and try to stay away from bad things. Think that you will have your own family to look out for and keep your sanity and look out for your own health as much as possible.

    5. Not all kids are blessed with a loving family, I think there is hardly anyone who can say that childhood and teenage years are easy. We all have problems, and we can’t choose our families. I’ve met a few “normal” families and they all had their stuff, but they hid it very well or they displayed it like it’s a complaining contest. the point is, you can try to accept things that are not your fault. It’s not your fault that your mom didn’t know better. You don’t deserve this, but you can try to do better than your mom. And also, don’t listen to her when she tells you anything that you feel is wrong. Don’t fight back, just be the wise one and let it go.

    6. As a child, the emotional response is greater and more intensive than a parent’s. That is because as a child, you need some things to develop into a balanced adult, and you get hurt much more easily. For example, my mom doesn’t even remember that time when she broke my trust in her or when she broke my heart.

    Recently, my mom told me that she doesn’t mean to be a psychologist to her children, implying that she doesn’t want to have heart-to-heart talks with them. I was stunned, and then enraged. She was still that same old abusive parent, because she doesn’t know any better. Also, she doesn’t want to change and she probably thinks that it’s okay to be like this with her children. She would deserve a big slap in the face, in my opinion, but I can’t do that.

    On a positive note, when I got my first job, which was unbelievably well paid, she told me that she was proud of me. That was it. I didn’t expect that, because I didn’t care about her opinion and her recognition, but that thing struck a chord. We’ll always have a soft spot for our mothers, and they too for us. For all their wrongdoings, I believe some day they will look for forgiveness, because they too have been someone’s child and they too have hearts filled with pain and disappointment maybe.

    PS. I was a bit surprised by how your mom told your neighbor about how she treated you. I think that she was feeling guilty, and she needed to let it out in the open, so she wrapped it all out as a joke or funny story and she received some form of approval. I think nobody in their right mind should approve to that, but sometimes, you just don’t want to ruin your neighborly relationship by saying something like “You crazy violent woman! How would you have liked it if that happened to you when you were at that age?” don’t fight your mom, that’s how you win the battle.

    Good luck and may you find your peace! xoxox

    #83738
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I like your comment little mermaid10. I do still love my mom and I know somewhere down the line she loves me as well, and I do plam on forgiving her for myself. It just pains me that she’s hurting my little brother. It may be the only thing she knows, I understand, but she a had a choice. I sympathize with her suffering, but still, it’s no excuse. Your mom praised you about your job, but I’m doubtful that my mom eould do such a thing. She would think that I am hurtng and hating her, which I’m only trying to better myself. And considering how she’s not into therapy, she may never do change. For her to say to herself that she did abuse me, and not blame it in stress and such, may just never happen.

    #83755
    anita
    Participant

    * littlemermaud01:

    You wrote: “Moms are only human. If your mom treats you badly, it might be because someone treated her badly too and that is the only way that she knows how to express anger and stress and all those negative emotions”-

    It is not true that “that is the only way that she (an abusive mother) knows how to express anger and stress..” because an abusive mother is abusive to a weak and dependent child and often nice to her peers, neighbors, employers, siblings…anyone not weak and dependent on her. So in being nice to stronger people and abusive to her child, an abusive mother DOES KNOW A DIFFERENT WAY.

    Dear pikachumew2: Again, I agree with your positions that your abusive mother indeed is making her choices and that her suffering is no excuse and that she may never change (very, very unlikely). The fact that she is stressed makes no difference on how hurtful and damaging her abuse is on her own children. It hurts just the same no matter her motivations.

    I believe that a daughter excusing her own mother’s behavior will lead to the daughter abusing her future daughter. You have to take a strong position, as an abused daughter, against the abuser, mother or not, so to treat yourself well and not abuse your future children, if you choose to have those.

    anita

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