Another anxiety ridden day. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and foster mom is being mean to me. Her sons were going to take her out, and she agreed..but when one called, he said the restaurants were going to be crowded (which all knew this before asking her out) so they told her that they were coming over and cook for her.

She agreed. I informed her that the house is a mess, dirty, have things scattered all over the place, and since the washer and dryer are broken..clothes I’ve tried washing before knowing the washer wasn’t working properly all over … especially…

There is also loud construction going on in the area very close by and the noise is very loud and foster mom is annoyed. Even when they aren’t working, there are large metal of sheets that were left in the streets, that when the cars go over makes a loud noise, and the house vibrates a little.

I told her that the construction workers left their machines and trucks scattered about.. and there may not be parking available for them.

​She misunderstood and got angry with me .saying that she isn’t going to turn her sons away and I should be ashamed of myself for asking. That everything can’t be my way all of the time.

I tried to explain it to her several more times…I’m not sure if she’s committed to going against me or truly doesn’t understand…

Its her natural behavior to be argumentative, combative, and blame me for everything…but protect and defend her children wrong or right.. or anybody else but me.

I remember how terrible she was to me last mother’s day ..

​When she called her son to ask him…she got on the phone and immediately told him that I was throwing a “fit” about them coming over because the house is dirty still…and that I didn’t want them coming over.

(I was a little upset over the state of the house but I told foster mom I would do my best to have it presentable. They all know it’s dirty and cleaning is always slowed because of their mother’s noise sensitivity and me having to take care of her. I wasn’t throwing a “fit”.. no one cares about my feelings nor me around here anyway.. therefore I am always passive eventually. Resistance is always futile.)

​ALL of her sons usually when on the phone, tell her to pass the phone to me because she often gets confused and can’t receive nor relay messages correctly.

Knowing this, this time the son never asked me to the phone..instead I heard him very angrily with a raised voice telling foster mom that they’ve already ordered the food, they will come over and clean if they have to, that it’s not my house, not my choice, that I should be ashamed of myself for suggesting that they don’t come over and celebrate their mother. That I don’t tell her what to do, that I’m not the boss, that I can easily be replaced, that I’m not a part of their family anyways and I should find my family..etc …

All the while she was on the phone, I was waving my hands and saying no that’s not what I said ..that’s not what happened…I said please let me explain to him.

She ignored me and kept saying things, and I could hear her son angrily saying things about me.

After the phone call I tried explaining things to her again to no avail…then she says that she’s going to go downstairs and clean. That I should be ashamed and that the place shouldn’t be looking like it does anyways.

In the process , I lost my voice somewhat.

I have a naturally soft voice, that I often have to raise often because foster mom’s hearing has suffered loss. .which she often doesn’t like and misinterprets that as sassing her.

Then she got angry at me yesterday, when she asked me a question about how I spent mother’s day prior to coming to live with her.

I told her that I feel it shouldn’t be labeled as a holiday.. that people who have loved ones should celebrate, show, and nourish those people often. I told her I felt it was a holiday for those to brag, and those to attone, for some mothers to further guilt trip and manipulate their loved ones because they feel like they’re entitled…and also to victimize themselves. A lot of mother’s whom weren’t there, and didn’t have a positive influence in their children’s lives, will get online and/or go around saying their children are “trash” because they didn’t receive anything.

Foster mom unfortunately is one of those. If her children wasn’t available nor gifted her tomorrow, she would for sure call them and tell them she was saddened and disappointed that they were no shows.

Foster mom called me deluded and said she was glad that she isn’t me.. doesn’t think like me. She chastises my beliefs and thoughts often . A large majority, I tell them nothing. They aren’t deserving….in which she gets angry at me too .

​So now, everyone is angry and upset at me today..and blaming me.

Another day where the I am cut deeply, and no one cares ..so I am left to nurse myself again…

Just crying and stitching..

Foster mom got angry and annoyed that I asked if she wanted something to eat..

So is life .