Hello,

I would appreciate feedback from people here about something I have been struggling with lately.  I don’t know if it’s because of my age (56) or because of where I am at this point in life, but some things have happened recently and I am worried I no longer am the caring, compassionate, giving person I thought I was.  I like my family – well, my kids…I sincerely love having them around and being with them.  My husband and I have been married almost 30 years, but have many, many issues.  The love I have for him is because he supported our family financially through some things that some dads might up and quit, but I can’t call him my best friend, and he was not an emotional support at all.  However, I also recognize that his road has not been easy either.

I have many friends, but like to keep them at a distance, mostly because I think they cannot relate to what my life is like, and sometimes because they are ignorant a-holes.  I am not blaming them for this, but find it easier for me to keep things superficial.

I am not close to my extended family – I have a twin sister and two brothers.  I’d like to have a closer relationship with them, but my sister has depression and is a workaholic, my one brother is an alcoholic and I cannot be a part of that.  My other brother has a chaotic home life, and his wife is toxic.

My mom was an alcoholic – she passed 17 years ago, and my dad is distant and not engaged or seems to even care, though he does send Christmas and birthday cards.  He is also a “Christian” but when our daughter was very young and I asked him to be involved with her, his response was to ask if I considered getting an abortion.  Huh??

After a long road with raising our family, I am feeling some freedom as far as having choices in what I do and who I do it with.  However, I will always have our daughter to take care of and manage.  She was born with special needs, but is doing remarkable (at least I think so).  She is living in an apartment with a roommate and has a full life.  The situation presents more for me to manage in some ways, and less in others.  And she seems content.

We also have a son with complicated health problems after having a brain tumor.  He was diagnosed when he was 4.  He is doing remarkable as well (at least I think so.)  He just finished his first year of college and is determined to graduate.  He copes with not feeling good every day (we have exhausted many routes in search of relief…the methods available are risky and no guarantee).  He has no real friends, though, and I’m sad about that.  I have tried over the years on behalf of my daughter and son to develop friendships, but it’s been a struggle.  With my daughter, it is the moms who are very willing to accept invitations, but don’t reciprocate (probably because like me, they are exhausted).   I have talked openly and honestly with my son about developing friendships (without going overboard because I don’t want him to think there’s something wrong with him!), and he assures me he’s okay.

This has probably been the most heartbreaking to deal with…finding acceptance where people are quick to say “thanks, but no thanks.” And it’s usually the parents, not the kids.   People who don’t have kids with special needs want to believe that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and that I was somehow “made” to handle this.  Well, I handled it – not always well, but I did do my very best –  but it doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated, mad and feel chronic heartache.  And parents who do have kids with special needs are no better –  they are quick to judge.  I used to be able to ignore the judgment, but lately I have been feeling angry and want to say “what the hell?  If you think you can do it better, here you go!”   I looked forward to being a parent, but it has been filled with a lot of adversity and heartache.

I feel done with doing things because I “should.”  I should see my dad, who is 84.  But he is not really supportive, or maybe, he doesn’t know how to be.  On the other hand, by age 84, I’d think he’d have figured it out if it was something he wanted to do.  I “should” see my friends, but find myself depressed after hearing about their “normal” lives.  And I definitely am done with hearing the patronizing “how is your daughter doing?, gosh that’s great.”  I “should” have gone to my friend’s son’s wedding, but I don’t feel supported by this friend and don’t really even want to send a gift (but I will).  I “should” want to go out with my friend and her husband to celebrate her birthday, but I am actually dreading it.

I saw a therapist some years ago and she described this as “complicated grief.”  I expected my life to go one way, but it turned out another way.  I think all of us can say that, right?!  We wanted our life to be one thing, and this is what we got.  Most days, I accept this, but lately, it’s been a struggle.  Maybe this is all rising to the surface because we are at the stage where kids are now adults, and this new phase brings all kinds of reminders of what I thought my life would be.  And also because my husband and I are left staring at each other and trying to figure out why we are together.

Thanks for reading.  I don’t know if I’m looking for anything specific, but it felt good to get this out there.

Airene

It might just be this is a phase – with our kids growing up, the focus is on what they are doing, where they are going.  Parents are so competitive!  My son is this, my daughter is that, my kids are beautiful…blah blah blah.