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  • #186959
    Ashley
    Participant

    Hello,

    TL;DR below

    I’ve never posted here before but a lot of my Google searches lead me here. 🙂

    So I think I kind of already know the answer to my issues, but it helps to get a second opinion.

    Here’s the sitch:

    I used to be friends with (we’ll call her) E. We met at our community college and stayed in touch after graduating- it was more one sided though. You know when you like someone alright, but some of their behavior makes you uncomfortable? I wasn’t going to turn down having a new friend but…something was just “off” with the vibes I got around her. It was like I was a pawn in her game kind of thing.

    I found a job immediately after school which I was absolutely thrilled about. She was having a harder time finding work. E text me and said she applied at my work. I rolled my eyes, but when my boss asked if I knew her all I said was “yeah we were in the same class” and “She’s alright” with a shrug. She got the job.

    I had a performance review after 6 months. At the review my boss said he intends for me to take over for my supervisor when he moved to a new department. Great!

    Meanwhile, I had a hard time getting E to pull her weight in our department. She’d make excuses that made no sense, would brag about making $1 more an hour than me (I eventually got a raise). She would only do one task halfway and then go to lunch early after arriving 30 mins late. I complained to my boss. He did nothing.

    A month later, E was given my promotion and took over the department. I was shocked I am already prone to depression (I see a therapist and have a Rx) But I honestly ended up in the worst depression of my life after this. I would stay home ing bed all weekend and just ugly cry. I still can’t understand the decision. My boss said it had to do with the fact that E had more schooling than me – she had another degree that has literally no bearing on our work.

    E started making rude comments about my appearance, my interests and pretty much anything else she could. But, she would completely deny saying them when confronted by my boss.

    (Examples:

    • “my mom is 300 lbs and not very bright … you remind me of her”
    • “You’re really wearing that?”
    • “Do you even know how to do your makeup?” (Answer: nope)
    • In response to talking about I movie I liked “Are you 5? Why are you watching kids movies? ” (it was one of The Hunger Games movies)
    • “You’re like the little sister I never wanted HAHAHA”
    • Often, when talking she would stare at me … aggressively? Then say “UHHUH THATS NICE”

    There’s more but it’s making me angry to type these out. When I told my boss about this she pulled a Trump and says “I never said that” and it becomes a she-said-she-said. My boss usually doesn’t do anything and she’s not reprimanded or anything. To make matters worse, she would lie about her mistakes in her work, and say it was me and I don’t think she’s ever taken responsibility for a single thing. A few months ago, she asked if I wanted to go to her weird goth bar she hangs out at (so she doesn’t “have” to go alone) I told her “honestly I’d rather not socialize outside of work” her attitude towards me got worse after this and she now goes out of her way to make sure I get in trouble for everything.

    TL;DR-  coworker is toxic and mean. No one else sees what I do, and I feel like I’m being gaslighted into insanity. I have depression and anxiety that is compounded by the situation. I dont feel like i can quit as my job is semi niche and I am being paid well for my work. Plus i dont really have savings.

    So … now I’m here. I think the answer is to take responsibility for my own happiness and find things outside of work that make me happy. But I don’t know how. I only have a few friends in this state, and I don’t really have hobbies. I feel like the best thing that could possibly happen is her not being in my life anymore. I want that more than air.

    I don’t know what to do.

    🙁

    #187047
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ashley:

    You wrote that you want not having her in your life “more than air”, but you need your job even more than you need air, correct?

    Your examples of her statements are clearly aggressive, clearly rude, no way to misunderstand them. Your story reads believable to me, that an employee gets paid more and is promoted because of a degree they have, even though their performance is lesser. The she said-she said aspect when confronting her in front of your boss, and your boss’s lack of help to you.

    If you need your job more than you need her out of your life, you will need to find a way to be okay with her being there. Not blissfully okay, of course, not approving of who she is, but okay enough, so that your mental health improves. As you think about her and have the images of how she looks at you and hear in your mind what she has said to you, see if you can take deep breaths, and accept her in the context of your job as she is. Try it and let me know…?

    anita

    #187363
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Ashley,

    It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. You should have gotten the promotion, and you are right, “E” should not be working there. She is verbally abusive, passive aggressive and just plain old mean.”a work bully”. I’m also sorry your boss is letting this go and sweeping it under the rug. Sounds like two people need to lose their job. I have had this happen to me numerous times. Harrassment and bullying by co-workers and bosses.

    Do you have a personnel department or Human resources department that you can go to for assistance? That is what they do, to help with grievances. You won’t lose your job, and if “E” and your boss are doing this type of thing, I am sure they would want to know about it. Another idea, is there anyway you can apply for a different area (away from her) at your job, it may not be a promotion, but it could be a different department, and who knows, you may get a promotion there.

    If you decide to look for a new job, is there any way you can take out a short term loan? Just until you get back on your feet again? Nobody should be miserable and mistreated all day. I do hope things get better. Keep us posted.

    #187405
    Amby
    Participant

    Hey there Ashley,

    I’m sorry you are going through what you are currently going through right now. I’ve had a toxic friend or two that were just like this and I broke all ties with them. It sounds like that is not possible in your current situation. However, this sounds like a workplace bully. My husband had to deal with the same thing: He was better at his job than this person and he had asked for help from his boss about this bully but he wasn’t heard and he took the fall for a lot of these person’s short comings. He ended up leaving not long after and got a better job. All I can say is the following for advice for you:

    (1) Have you talked to her about what she is doing face to face? If not at work, than outside of work? I know this can be hard because you don’t wanna have to confront someone on being a bully but they are making you uncomfortable and stressed. They are messing with your livelihood. Instead of her coming into your comfort zone, your “house” if you will, dont be afraid to do the same. If you confront her about her behavior, something may be able to come out of it. She may have some twisted reason as to why she’s doing what she is doing

    (2) If this doesn’t work, I would start gathering as much evidence as possible about how she’s treating you. I know it sounds very Nancy Drew but it she’s going to pull a Trump on you, that all you can really do. Do you guys every have email exchanges at work? Does she message you or text you these things? All that is proof right there. I would record her as well is she is saying things like that. Again, sounds like an extreme but she is also being extreme. Take this to HR and/or your boss.

    (3) Definitely go to HR is general. If your boss isn’t listening to you, then you have go to someone who’s job it is to help. Maybe, if they have different departments, they can move you to another one where isn’t.

    Listen, I am mad for you. I don’t like to hear about people making someone’s work life hell, especially for no clear reason or motive. It could be that she’s jealous of you and the fact that you got that job first. Her goal IS to make you go crazy. She is trying to force you out and make you miserable. Don’t let her ruin your happiness or your joy girl.

    Good luck.

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