*trigger warning for this journal entry*

That was the greatest hits of the first 15 years of my life. I prayed for it all to stop, I even wished for her to die during one of her overdoses, so that our suffering would end.

I was taking care of my brother since I was 4 years old. Cooking and cleaning while she slept all day.

Instead, it finally ended when she admitted to a doctor her plans to kill us. And I took the opportunity to leave and refused to come back while she was admitted to a mental hospital.

She tried bribing me to come back. She tried stalking me. I said that the only thing she had to do to have a relationship with me would be to apologize for everything that she had done. She couldn’t admit what she had done. She denied it. And said “I’m sorry for whatever you think I’ve done. I don’t remember.” To which I said “Goodbye”.

I tried the advise that John gave me. It’s a work in progress. I feel like some things are easier to step back from. When something that is harder for me to step back from pops up, like relationship fears. It just plays on a loop in my head for a bit trying to grab my attention and get me to interact with it. I stayed strong and refused to interact with it. In time it went away. It was easier to step back from things after that and I felt calmer throughout the day.