Dear Helcat: Thinking of you and your dog, and your son and husband: I hope that you are all well, and that your dog continues to heal and recover from surgery!

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome. I am sorry to read that you and your husband needed to take a break. I hope that the two of you coparent well during the break, and that it is a temporary break during which healing and recovery takes place. I hope that you and your husband reunite in healthy ways.

Here are words that may help you, words written by a wise person I know, words that inspire me: “Men are not taught to communicate by society. They are taught to hold everything inside, encouraged to not feel. Hide it, because you’re not a man otherwise. Society is wrong…

“Unhealthy behaviours are everywhere. Literally every person has unhealthy behaviours – behaviours which are considered abusive. We are all raised in an inherently abusive society. Is it such a shock? All we can do is try our best to manage our issues and try to help each other…

“Language is inherently flawed in that people attribute their own meaning to it. You shouldn’t feel like that. To one person means that your feelings are being denied and dismissed and to the other, I didn’t mean for you to feel that way…

“I read something and I didn’t understand it at first. It suggested to resolve relationship problems with unrelenting kindness and openness. Now, I’m starting to see the benefit of that advise…

“I understand now, that relationships are to be prioritised above ego and emotions. I am more forgiving now. It has helped my husband and I to operate as a team and genuinely improved our communication…

“Society doesn’t think very much of broken people. It sees them as useless and worthless. But society is wrong. Someone who has never experienced love needs love. Someone who is broken needs help to heal. People with empathy see that circumstances don’t define a person’s worth. They see who they are beyond circumstances and all of the potential that they hold if they can overcome it…

“I see now that it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am unlovable. I am broken. I don’t deserve love and am not worthy of it. A story that is only true while I believe it to be. I was just like my son. A baby, a lot of hard work no doubt. But full of love, eager to learn, trying to make sense of the world, eager to live…

“I agree it is easier to communicate when people don’t express anger as anger and instead communicate as you say with empathy. This is a relatively new thing that I learned to do this year…

I prioritise trust, respect, being seen and understood and my individual needs mattering.”.

End of Quotes.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome. I am sorry that it hurts, and I do hope that you make it!!! Love and best wishes to you, Helcat!

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome. Good to read that your dog is so much better than he was, and that he is receiving such good care. I hope that a quality coupe therapist will help simplify the complicated break,  simplify the (complicated?) communication between the two of you, so that ❤️ can be clearly seen, heard and felt through the no-longer complicated air (I hope I am making sense..?)

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for saying that I made sense yesterday 😊(I was a bit anxious about it). Good to read that you are optimistic about couple counseling. Over time, I read many good things about your relationship with your husband, so I am optimistic too.

I hope that your dog is well and that you found (or will soon find) your cat.

One more thing, if you would like to use your thread to journal without receiving replies, or without receiving my regular replies (I used my last thread to journal), please let me know.

anita

Dear Helcat:

Thank you! I was anxious about (without knowing or intending it) saying something in the post that you’d find objectionable. It happened many times with my mother, she found so much to object to/ to feel hurt by: expressions on my face, things I said, things I didn’t say but should’ve said, etc., and it caught me by surprise every time because I didn’t know, didn’t intend to. I told her I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings, but she insisted that I intended that, and there was no way to make her believe otherwise.

I wasn’t feeling very anxious yesterday, just a bit. I am glad that I am way more spontaneous and less afraid these days to type away my thoughts and feelings here, on the screen (she- my mother- is no longer here with me, watching me, preparing the next you hurt my feelings! attack and retribution.. sigh-of-relief-emoji).

“I’m happy to receive your messages… Of course, if you are not in the mood to write that is fine too. Please feel free to honour how you feel“- then I will continue to respond to all your posts in this thread (and other threads that you started or may start). And in each response, I am paying attention to my intention: to help, not to hurt. If anything I type out hurts you, or bothers you, please let me know what it is, so that we can talk about it.

“My PTSD has been really bad because of the relationship difficulties. Then there has been postpartum depression on top of that…  I know that we are both hurt. I’m jealous of the connection he has with our son, because it feels like we have no connection now. He says that he still loves me.“- I am sorry that you are suffering, and I hope things get better sooner than later. About his connection with his son vs his connection with you, what if (a crazy thought?), you learn from your son how to connect with his father (because their connection works)..?

anita

Dear Helcat: Good to read that things have been better for you today! I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed afternoon here)

anita