Worried about seeing my ex again.

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.

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April 4, 2014 at 11:40 am #54192

WonderLast
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It’s been about six months since my ex broke up with me, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I’ve jumped through a lot of hoops to avoid bumping into him, but we work in the same field and this coming week we’ll be attending the same conference. The conference itself has been a huge part of my life, and I took him there for the first time last year. Part of me wants to avoid it completely, but I don’t think that’s the right thing and it’d be costly to cancel this late. To top it all off, the first day coincides with my 30th birthday. I expected my life to be a lot different when I turned 30, and here I am, single, still holding on to a relationship from the past, and worried about attending an event that’s been a highlight for me for the last six years.

Anyways, maybe someone has some tips on working through this. I honestly don’t even know how to behave. Do I say hello? Nod? Pretend he doesn’t exist? It’s not healthy, but I feel a lot of shame for my current emotional state. I really thought I would’ve worked through this by now, and I’d like to attempt to enjoy my birthday. But I’m at the point where I really can’t imagine seeing his face without bursting into tears.

April 5, 2014 at 2:49 pm #54308

Kassi
Participant

Dear WonderLast,
This is actually my first time replying to a post here on the forum. I can’t really give you any good advice on your current situation, but maybe it’s a comfort to know that there are others who are experiencing the same emotions. I haven’t seen or heard from my ex in more than six months and I might meet him soon. The difference is that we’re not living in the same country, but I’ll be going on holidays where he lives in less than three weeks. On the one hand, I’m really looking forward to the trip and seeing old friends and places again that I really love, but on the other hand I dread seeing him there and falling back into old habits. I’m scared that this could ruin my holidays. I also don’t know if I can avoid him because I kept in touch with his friends, who are also my friends, and promised to see them there. I believe it’s similar with the conference you want to attend. It seems to be very important to you, and at the same time you’re scared that meeting your ex could make you feel uncomfortable and keep you from enjoying yourself, especially as it’s also your birthday!
What I’ve been telling myself is that this potential meeting is a real chance for me. It’s a chance to come clean with the past and see where I’m standing. I’ve had lots of ups and downs after the break-up, which is natural I guess, but I’m mostly ok now. I think it’s important to assess in what ways the relationship wasn’t really what you wanted and that it ended for a reason. In most cases, there is no use going back because it would be the same thing all over again (I’ve been there). I’m also at a loss at how to act around an ex after not hearing from them for so long (staying civil is the most practicable I’d say), but I think it’s best to just focus on you for now. Look at all the good things that are ahead of you, the conference you’ll attend that you’re excited about, your birthday and the great time you’ll have there!
I wish you all the best and stay strong

April 5, 2014 at 7:24 pm #54327

BruceWayne
Participant

My dear WonderLast,

I can understand your plight, as the same thing just happened to me. Things with my ex and I ended abruptly, and not in a good way a while ago, and I havent seen her or talked to her in months, but just recently I am now seeing her around again. It is extremely awkward to say the least, I am avoiding her, and its obvious she is avoiding me.

The funny thing is, a long time ago things between us were bad too but we tried to patch it up. Unfortunately, that did not last long at all for many reasons. At this point, I know it’s over. My birthday is coming up very soon, and I know I am the type of person who would watch to see if she posts “happy birthday” on my wall, and if she didnt that would hurt me. My solution….I blocked her of facebook, that way I dont have to ever find out. I dont want to set myself up for disappointment.

At this point I wish I never tried to patch things up with her in the past when things were bad. I should have just let it go but I couldn’t because I was in love. If I could do it all over again, I would have not gotten in touch with her, and when she is near by, I would act smile, act social, and pretend my life couldn’t be better…just to throw it in her face.

In the end though Wonderlast, its all just an experience, which you learn from. From my experience I learned things about myself, and with this experience I can become a better person, and find a much better girl as well. I am sure of that. My self-value went down the toilet because of this girl, but now my self-confidence and attitude is returning, and I am most happy about that. I do not want to lose my self-confidence again for a girl.

April 5, 2014 at 8:24 pm #54331

Al
Participant

WonderLast,

It is fully understandable to dwell upon those who have extracted some of our most dominant emotions. Such occurrences are rare and are vividly ingrained in our hearts and mind and become difficult to remove and forget. And yet, it is the exact opposite that we must do. We must embrace such emotions and learn what is it they have to teach us.

In your case, you shared a wonderful experience with a man. He brought you much joy, and difficulties (as is normal in all relationships), exposed you to new things and helped you further develop as a human being. For both of your efforts, despite its end, you were given many lessons from which you will both be able to use and make decisions which may help improve your lives. Because of these gains, we must assume a grateful attitude as should be when we are given things. Thank him for the experience and the lessons (internally) and wish him nothing but the best. This way, when/should you see him again, you will be able to smile at him with your heart and be at ease in speaking to him.

Namaste,

Al

April 8, 2014 at 2:16 pm #54506

Kelly
Participant

WonderLast – I can relate. Although it had been less than 6 months for me (about 4), I was panic stricken about seeing my ex perform in a play. I am a season ticket holder and considered skipping this last performance (similar to you not attending the conference) so that I wouldn’t be faced with him both on stage and after the performance when the actors greet the patrons in the lobby. You have to walk past the actors to leave the building and it is a very small community theater, so a confrontation was near inevitable. I imagined the scene numerous times beforehand. Would I cry seeing him on stage and embarass myself (the play was a comedy)? Should I hug him in the lobby? Should I say hello, good job? And so on. One thing I knew was that it would be a tear filled, emotionally brutal experience.

The play was last Saturday and guess what? Not one tear. Everybody’s different but I can see some of myself in your post and I imagine you are creating all kinds of scenarios in your head about how it will all play out. And in my experience, those scenarios are far worse than the real experience when it comes. Afterwards we can look back and say “I was so worked up about THAT?! It was nothing.” Although right now it feels like EVERYTHING.

Do you have a colleague with whom you can attend the conference? Perhaps it would be a good distraction to have someone by your side, to help keep your emotions “in check”. That person could be someone with whom you share your situation, or simply someone whose company you enjoy.

I think it’s a show of strength that you are attending the conference and not letting his possible attendance (are you sure he’ll even be there?) stop you from participating in something important to you. And it’s your birthday! It’s a new year for you to celebrate all things you and start a new chapter of your life. I can honestly tell you that my early 30s were some of the best years of my life. You have so much to look forward to. Please stop being hard on yourself. You are right where you are supposed to be, in this present moment.

April 15, 2014 at 7:11 am #54803

WonderLast
Participant

Thanks for the kinds words everyone. Sometimes the nicest thing about this site is knowing that I’m not the only one running through this gamut of emotions.

I attended the conference and it went fine. I’ll admit to letting it ‘get to me’ way more than it should’ve, but I did approach my ex, say a quick hello, and move on. I guess one thing I found out through the grapevine was that my attendance was a total non-issue to him. On one hand that really hurt, but on the other it shows how I’ve really got to let go and move on. I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m actually feeling pretty ‘OK’ about stuff this morning. Thanks again!

April 20, 2014 at 5:52 pm #55049

Big blue
Participant

Hi WonderLast,

I have been there and it’s incredibly hard to deal with if either of you has not gotten over the breakup. I even had this happen with someone I fell for after my divorce, but never “dated.” I avoided her, but said hello like you did when I had to. After years now, my ex wife of 20+ years and I are over our divorce, so I can say time does sometimes heal. Did the other experience help me? I think so as much as it was also a challenge.

We should have a universal, compassionate gesture that is fitting when we see an ex – no, no that’s not compassionate lol – that signifies ‘Hey we once were close so no matter what let’s respect each other.’ But the problem is that we’re mixed up and selfish in the process, so we think of the other gestures. 🙂

Best wishes on your journey!
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