January 25, 2020 at 6:37 am #334988
So basically im always thinking that would a girl judge me base on my family members? My family consist of my parents and my siblings, and we come from a quite wealthy family and all of us are in a good relationship. It’s just that my uncle and aunt (my father’s siblings) are not in a bad terms with my parents. My father has 5 siblings and he is the oldest. The 2nd child is in bad terms with my dad, the 3rd as well, 4th-6th is in good terms. The 2nd child is divorce with his wife and live with his son while the 3rd is divorce as well and live with his daughter. And the 6th is not married and she is almost 40. On chinese new year we still celebrate on my grandparents house (my dad parents) for the sake of them. I’m just worried that a girl might reject me due to i didnt have a comfortable family situation as my dad and the 2nd and 3rd arent talking anymore now. I dont know what will happen to the gathering in the grandparents house once they are gone. And my mom is an only child and has no siblings. Will a girl judge and reject me due to she cant enjoy the chinese new year if she choose me as her boy? Because in chinese new year most families gather together and share joy and take pictures together.
I’d like some tips regarding this situation
FelixJanuary 25, 2020 at 8:56 am #335004anitaParticipant
I know you worry a whole lot about being rejected by women. But consider this: a woman whom you may want to be your wife is not likely to be a Judge, an objective judge who looks at you coldly and lists all the things that she doesn’t like about you, then takes a few minutes to deliberate and then makes the final judgement: no, Felix is not good enough for me. I better look elsewhere!
Way more likely, the woman is afraid of being rejected as well, she is not an objective Judge, she is as subjective as you are, worrying about the future, worrying about things, not comfortable about her own looks (even if she looks beautiful!).
Here is the problem: if you show a woman in your words and behavior that you yourself believe that you are not worthy of her or of any woman, if she sees that you believe this is true, then she will automatically believe it herself.
When I read your words in your various threads, I know that even though you don’t believe that you are of much value, that you still are valuable. But most people, and particularly younger people, when they see someone with a very, very low self esteem, they figure the person really is of no value.
So you have to watch what you say and how you behave around women so to not express to her this message. Is this making sense to you?
anitaJanuary 25, 2020 at 9:03 am #335006
Thank you for your reply and understanding this thread along with the previous ones. You showed me a positive message and it makes sense to me and i’ll take that advice.
As for my family members problem that i mentioned above, do u think a girl will accept that kind of situation? I’m asking this not because of i’m judging myself low, it’s just that i’m curious whether a girl might think twice in accepting someone if she finds it in this situation. I’d like ur opinion on this, thank youJanuary 25, 2020 at 9:27 am #335010anitaParticipant
You are welcome. As far as the situation you described, I am not familiar with the Chinese culture and Chinese New Year gatherings, but I figure this: your father cannot possibly be the only person in your country that has problems with a couple of his siblings, this has to be the reality in many families.
Please pay attention to the following point because it can save you a lot of distress and make your life so much easier:
You worry about this and that being the reason why a young woman will reject you. I appreciate you not bringing the same-old-same-old other reason that I got very tired reading about. But the list is endless, if it is not this worry, it is another worry as to why a woman will reject you.
This is my point: don’t focus on the reasons, focus on your behavior. Let’s say you sit with a woman for a family gathering where the relationships between your father and a couple of his siblings are not good- focus on how you are behaving. Have a confident body posture, your voice strong and confident, your eyes looking into her eyes and not away or down, smile at her, smile calmly and confidently.
If your words and behavior show to her that you are feeling not worthy of her (no matter the reason and circumstances!)-> she is likely to reject you.
If your words and behavior show to her that you are feeling worthy of her (and that you like her and value her), whatever the circumstance-> she is more likely to accept you.
January 25, 2020 at 12:17 pm #335020InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Your father has so many siblings that all you have to say is, “Here are my three aunts and uncles and their spouses and children”. You don’t have to mention the others! Unless her parents come along and want to do a detailed genealogy, in which case say, “Maybe you’ll see them next year!” After all, they might be seeing their in-law’s for the holidays.
You don’t even have to let your own children know about your missing aunts and uncles. *waving my hand here*. My twenty three year old daughter JUST found out I have a cousin that I never mentioned. Why would I? Well, tons of reasons. Why burden the world with my old problems?
People don’t care about your parents’ siblings. Believe me, they really don’t. I have best friends and I honestly don’t know who their relatives are.
InkyJanuary 26, 2020 at 3:25 am #335136
Thank you for your reply. Your words have made me relax a bit regarding this situation, and i understand when you say people dont care about my parents siblings. What im really confused on is that will a girl concern about my parents siblings relationship if she is considering me as a partner. Because i bet most girls would want to have a comfy and warm family, especially when gathering among relatives. I also thought that in the future if my grandparents (my dad’s parents) is gone, there wont be any big gathering except me, my siblings and my parents only. Will a girl accept this? Or is what actually matters is only my parents and i dont need to worry about the other family members. I’m sorry if my request sounds weird haha.January 26, 2020 at 11:41 am #335180InkyParticipant
It might be a cultural thing. I am so used to people with small families. They do happen 😉
It sounds like you don’t want the girl to catch wind of your family’s problems. I don’t think she would. Also, it depends on the girl.
Relax and just get the girl!