Dear Evan, bebedough and Anita

Hi Evan,
Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply.
I understand when you say how your wife of 20 years eroded your trust in her by lying. It sounds like your relationship ended because of this, I’m sorry.
To me lies create doubt -when you are finally in a situation when you need to be able to say ‘well I’ll just trust all is good because I can count on your truth being true’. I came across Marriage Builders, and I really liked how the site brakes down in a 10 point list things that help create love and security for you and what things may erode this you also (it’s a couples exercise). Everyone is so different and for some people lies don’t seem as big a deal as for others. For me it was at the top of my list, for my partner he didn’t list it as important. For me being told the truth, even if it hurts my feelings, makes me feel loved and secure.
I like the questions you asked, and I don’t know what will happen, I’ve explained how when the truth isn’t told it makes me feel during our past and my P. has worked through these exercises with me and understands how important this is for me, but it’s not really working I feel.
‘How committed are you to trusting your innerself?’ I think this is an important point you bring up, I don’t feel I’ve connected with it for a long time, or more so they aren’t in sync.
Thank you for your advice and sharing your story, I hope for all the best for you

Dear Babedough
Thank you for well reply, I can see you have put consideration into it. May I ask if you were also dealing with trust issues? as you say ‘going through things not entirely the same but the feelings are the same for sure’ Your post seems to reflect a lot of thought on this?
And I agree with both you and Evan in your advice of ‘listening to your inner voice, your gut, your heart…but be smart and use your mind too’ When I try to listen to my inner voice my mind pushes it aside with that I’m being overly suspicious, but than wants to console it by checking out for evidence (somewhere up there I’ve mentioned this suspicion has been going on for well now?..11 months- not at such a heightened state)
You mention ‘but perhaps right now is a cycle in which intimacy (sexually and mentally) is not topmost for him’- around 6 months prior to this 11mths, I started to feel a disconnection from my P. so maybe this did contribute to my suspicion starting somehow, but I feel perhaps it’s only a small contribution.
If ‘Find my Phone’ is correct I don’t think ‘This rental near his workplace – maybe he just needs to escape, to think, to recharge batteries to be a better partner and dad?’ He literally will walk a couple more blocks to get to an ATM machine that he wont be charge $2 to use even if he’s in front of one, to save that amount. So I can’t imagine spending money on a rental for an escape. I’ve even cut my own hair for years (just got my first cut – a splurge on myself)
Thanks for pointing out to focus on the good bits and to look after myself and make myself happy these are all great points.
I appreciate your help
Best regards

Dear Anita,
Hi there:) Thanks for your reply
I don’t even swallow head ache tables when I would be kept awake otherwise, but I would do so, and even sign up for several months in a padded room if I could get over this feeling of untrust – and that my P is telling the truth in this matter.
I’ve been to a total of 4 session with my psychiatrist and after this first couple ask her if I am being unstable and overly suspicious in behavior – she said we’ve been together for over 21 years and that as it’s been this and the other time, around 11 years ago (when I was feeling also untrusting of him) she thinks it’s not my normal state and has not prescribed any medication. She and I negotiated a 1 hour / day (or a total of 7 hours per week) when I can check up etc. so I gather she may think I’m verging on OCD. But since last visit I can lessen the checking to fewer than a hand full of minutes but I’m finding it Difficult with the thinking on it (to not think on it). Though I can distract myself if I keep company with others.
I took along all my screen shots of “Find my Phone” for her, she didn’t go all through them (so many photos were taken in the 2.5 weeks since I found this) it did show his phone was showing up at the other address after work, lunch times sometimes or first thing in the morning (plus I took shots of it going back to his work address). We didn’t get to the shots for one particular day when his phone was there the majority of the day – I was hopeful that this meant it wasn’t accurate! but my P told me that evening that his day was very quiet as one of the countries he gets alot of emails from was on a public holiday. My psychiatrist said at the end that it was very good evidence that he was having an affair, I pointed out that there might be another explanation or it’s faulty somehow. She asked what would it take for me to believe he’s having an affair. I replied seeing him go into that apartment block or a photo of that. She said ‘No I think it would take a photo of him in bed with someone first’ So it’s making it hard because I feel she thinks I’m in denial. I actually feel worse in a way. Though it’s very nice to talk to her, but she’s on holiday for several weeks now.
I don’t feel comfortable getting support from friend/acquaintances, I tried my mum but the first thing she said after telling her my suspicion was that I should get a job so I want be so boring. She also got a bit angry when I told her about the screen shots and said I shouldn’t be checking on him and if there wasn’t such technology I wouldn’t even know. XD I’m kind of laugh/crying about that. But it’s hard not having people to talk about it to, or help ground me to what the truth is.
Thanks for your reply, Best wishes

Dear Anita,
Thanks for taking the time to explain a delay in your reply.
I hope your flu stays light and your body fights it off quickly but please don’t feel you have to rush, your health is very important and your body needs to rest.
Best wishes:)

Hi Anita,
My posts are over long (in the 7th June) I said ‘My partner and I were than refereed to marriage guidance (I was given the option on if I wanted to bring my P along to talk to her but she said she would prefer that we start fresh with someone else in case of bias)’

And I agree with you that I am ‘confusedandsuspicious’ and yes I also said I’m verging on OCD – not only am I confused and suspicious I’m in a lot of pain and heartache because I can’t trust my partner who I love very much.

I’ve pressed edit because I ended this post with ‘love very much’ and didn’t finish off properly, with a thanks etc.
But Anita usually I find you post are more helpful and I was really hoping for something more. My writing is long and boring, but I’m still hurting just as much Sh**&^ maybe I should just have an affair too, than I can write in about that… On the day my P had a very quiet day ‘Find my Phone’ showed up for most of the day at that different address, during the times I know my P had no meeting he was there but not others – it may be all coincidence! that is why I am ‘confusedandsuspicious’
Thanks
Best regards

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by confusedandsuspicious.