Hi Mia,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I’ve been down the same road as you. I was depressed during my childhood and most of my young adult life. I was plagued with some of the same issues too. I really admire that you recognize these feelings within yourself and are taking time to address it now, before you make any major life changing decisions (motherhood/marriage, etc).

Part of my past unhappiness is that I had an emotionally painful childhood. I interpreted my parent’s lack of emotional love and attention to mean that in some way I was flawed and unlovable. I also felt very lonely, because I was so afraid of getting to know myself. I had conditioned my mind to think I was a bad/ugly person. I finally overcame those feelings through years of therapy and treatment for depression. I had to stop seeking validation from others and give to myself the love and care that I wasn’t receiving.

It sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Please talk to someone at your school to see if they can recommend a therapist for you to speak with about your feelings.

You also stated you feel stressed about school. Have you really asked yourself why you picked the subject you did? I spent one year studying business and even wasted $ on the GMAT exam, only to finally realize I hated business, but I choose that major because I believed business is the pathway to a lucrative career. Yes, studying is going to be challenging no matter what the topic is, but if you are having a hard time staying focused, please consider exploring other areas of interest that don’t feel so much like a chore.

As for understanding your purpose, once you get to know who you are and embrace what is unique about you, you will then understand why the reason you are here and what your purpose is on earth.

I hope that you continue to address your feelings until you can solve them. Please take my advice and seek out a therapist. This is a little bit much for you to handle all alone.

I wish you the best.

Dear Mia,

It seems there is a lot on your mind though i am sure you have managed way better than you really give yourself credit for. Divorces are hard and you are really young to be honest. I think a huge part of the control you wish to exert on your yourself, people, the world and situations in general is your way for compensating subconsciously for the lack of control you may had in your parent’s situation. You have deep rooted trust issues and that does spill over to people who want to have a connection with you. According to me, you need to try the following, they have helped me immensely over the months and perhaps they will help you too.

1) Separate the things you can fully control, partially control and not control at all:

a) Can you control war, poverty, oppression, illness of the whole world? In the most serious sense, what is the best question of control do you have here? At best it could be to devote your life as a welfare worker or campaigning in organizations involved. But really, thats a very very long process and you need to be very strong financially, emotionally and connections wise, to make such things happen. Change is possible but dont expect it to be easy and the whole world will be swept clean. Its a complicated world and you dont have control. Reflect on this.

Is there really anything useful about filling yourself up with fear and sadness over things you dont have control over? Why wreck whatever shred of peace of mind you already have? Believe me, i volunteer in places where people (kids) have been affected by homelessness, abuse and God knows what and every time, i return home, i cry my lungs out and then tell myself- “If they can smile despite this, then i need to have the courage to smile too despite whatever happens to me”

b) Beauty really comes from within – the love you give out to others and the way you glow…not these pretty plastic women that our media seems to be promoting like crazy – sure its nice to dress up and feel confident but this is a part of confidence. If you really want to work on your body, invest time in developing stamina and strength…believe me, regular vigorous exercise helps the mood swings so much. Even if you are size 0 or size whatever, loving yourself just the way you are is the hard part but believe me, exercise and good sleep will work wonders.

c) You’re just 20 my love, dont be so hard on yourself! People have screwed up way more in their lives and come out of it. Well, i dont know my purpose either and most of my friends dont. So what? So what if i dont know?

I am here, right here, living my life, finding love and beauty, overcoming my fears and learning how to cope better despite all the uncertainty. Keep walking, and tell yourself this every day-

“I dont know where i am going but i am on my way”

d) Spend your free time in something you enjoy – that was a tough one for me cuz i studied way too much, or didnt study at all and then hated myself, ran away from friends wanting to go out but give yourself time. I started painting, going for walks, doing something creative..watch a lot of vlogs actually 😀

for example, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdGNWyq8nsQ

And yes, though i have written a list of what to do, believe me i know what it is like to feel this way – i spent a major chunk of my life in self-hatred, fear and anger but you can get out of this. Start small, believe me…you’re going to experience some beautiful things over the years..I used to think that all the depression, social anxiety i had and whatever happened in the past meant i was stuck, i was a failure and utterly unlovable. Part of still has the old feelings but i am human and all i can do is fall, pick myself up again and keep going again and again.

This takes a lot of courage though and i believe that you have it..This sadness is not you. You’re way too complex but its time to get in touch with the light within you..it will never get illuminated unless you have really felt darkness..imagine a pitch black room and a match being lit and then a big ray of sunshine. These emotions will help you know where you need to change..think about what you are sad about..what can you really change and what do you actually have to accept..

I will recommend seeing a therapist for this process though. Took me some 3 years to figure it out on my own, hence the suggestion 😛

Hope you find your inner light.

Regards,
Moon

Hi Mia,

Wish I could offer a “remedy” for the way you are feeling, but I can’t. Just know there are other people in this world who have been thru what you are experiencing and who have gotten past it. Some of those people have you in their thoughts and feel your pain. Things will get better. You may not feel that way now, but things will improve. Focus on the goal of what you want to become and how you want to feel about yourself as much as you can. It’s difficult, but just know you are not alone. Hugs.

Good morning Mia,

I wanted to send you positive energy and love. I can tell that you are a beautiful person inside, and that is what matters. Many of us on TB have struggled through a hard time (or ten) and I can say that doing your “work” can help tremendously. Many of us have been down, but it doesn’t stay that way. I agree with all the good advice and seeing a counselor, if you can.

This “work” varies with each person, but starts with you. It helped get my spirits and self-esteem out of the gutter and into a much healthier place. You have to know that you are a good person and realize you are unique and meant to be loved (as everyone is). You have talents, feelings, thoughts, opinions and qualities that are important and individual. Those are what make you wonderful. The differences and the uniqueness. Understand that you are worthy and loveable. Only you can give yourself that love. In addition, do things that make you feel good, such as reading a touching story, watching a funny movie (I watched Bridesmaids twice in a row), take a warm bath, write your favorite relative a sweet note and mail it, walk the dogs at the Humane Society, cook a new homemade meal, read TB daily (I try to) and simply be good to Mia day in and day out. Your heart deserves it. You deserve it. I hope time and inner strength will get you through this dear.

Hugs, Lightsource

And thank you to those who have commented, being the advice helps me as well. You are all loved. xo

Dear Mia,

I’ve rarely seen anyone being so empathetic. That is a beautiful quality. You are very sensitive, it seems. You probably need to find some kind of balance, and seeing a counselor is the best way to do just that. You are also very young (i am too, tbh), and probably have not found your “crowd” just yet. The people that will both make you feel comfortable and make you want to work towards your goals. That will come too, with time. I believe the early 20s are a very lonely time in our lives, and I think you should try and not think of yourself as the only person who has this kind of problems. Many people are struggling, some more than others, to find out what it is that they want and who they are. Just look at this forum ha!
You said: ” I also hate the fact that feeling down about myself means that I just sit around all day. I want to read, write, draw, explore and help people but I always feel too exhausted/sad/not good enough so don’t do these things and stay in instead. It terrifies me how much time I am wasting.”. Mia, you can do all this stuff! Sometimes, what it takes is maybe to think less and act more. I know you feel shitty right now, because you lack self-esteem. But just try for one day to be brave enough to do what you want, and go talk to people. Because the less you talk to people, the more it feels like a big deal to do just that.
It becomes a huge deal, when really, it’s nothing. From what you wrote, I think you have some great, essential qualities that people will want to see. You are empathetic and self-aware. In my book, those are the two most important qualities in a human being.

To sum it all up, like everyone said, go see a counselor, and try and do more. Be brave! Go out there and talk to people, draw, write, do it! Just for a few days and see how it feels. I am sure you can manage that.