“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama
Some breakups are so bad that they make you hate the sunshine. It’s up there gleaming, looking down on you, being all sunny despite the fact that you feel like a slice of hell. The suffering is relentless. The sky is ugly.
The ending of my last relationship was awful. I think it hurt as bad as it did because this wasn’t some random young woman who had just walked into my life. This was someone whom I’d been aquatinted with for years.
I know her family. I had a business relationship with her and we had been performing together as part of a musical group. It also wasn’t my choice to end things.
I once read that the pain of the death of a loved one, the pain of the end of a relationship, and the pain of a child losing a teddy bear are no different. Pain is pain.
And to the one who experiences pain, it can be all consuming and can seem like the end of the world.
I don’t like it when some people think that just because your relationship only lasted a couple of months you should hurt less than if the relationship had been longer. Again, pain is pain. No one has the right to judge it, put limits on it, or qualify it.
Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll ever feel better. So, what do you do? You can hate it if you want, resent it, resist it, or wish it wasn’t happening.
The fact is that it’s happening. I wish I could tell you that I’d found the secret to making the healing from the breakup of a relationship easier or faster. I haven’t.
I do know that when all of the flirting, smiling, hand-holding, and special times on the couch are over, somehow you have to find a way to put the pieces of yourself back together.
I think the way to do this is different for everyone. Here are some things that I’ve found helpful.
1. Detachment
Far more than a Buddhist concept, detachment gives us the ability to move forward. I’ve had no reason to talk to my ex-girlfriend, so I haven’t. We have no children together and live far enough apart that we don’t run into each other.
Sure, the grieving is painful, but it’s not her job to be there for me during this process to comfort me. There’s no reason to hang out as pals—maybe someday, but not now.
2. Therapy
The thing I’ve most needed during this time in my life was guidance. I needed someone to talk to and someone to check in with. Sometimes, I make up awful stories in my head and I need someone to help me counter them. There are many different modalities out there. Try them all if you want to.
3. Walking
Yes, it seems so simple, but I started walking more. There’s something very therapeutic about putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward. It’s almost a metaphor.
Walking is a great way to get active instead of dwelling in your memories and replaying the ones that hurt. Walking clears the mind. In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron wrote: “We walk out of the door with problems, we return with solutions. ”
Also, I remember my gym teacher in elementary school yelling, “Walk it off!” when I got hit with a tennis ball. I’m walking it off, coach.
4. Mindfulness
So much has been said about mindfulness and present moment awareness. The Internet is full of great resources, and there are probably free meditation groups near you. I won’t go into it too deeply here, but keeping your mind centered on the present and not reliving the past or worrying about the future is helpful. Even Obi-Won Kenobi recommended this.
You can begin with one conscious breathe in this one moment, which is all you ever have. Take some time and feel the breath flowing through you, the rise and fall, the slightest pause.
It’s okay if your mind starts to wander. You can always begin again.
5. Distraction
This might seem like the opposite of mindfulness, and maybe it is. Sometimes though, self-medicating with Netflix is okay. I blew through all of Firefly and both seasons of The Walking Dead. This is guerrilla warfare of the heart. We do what we must to survive. It’s far better than thinking of my ex and the impossibly beautiful way her eyes catch the sunlight.
I’m not suggesting repressing or avoiding your feelings, but sometimes we need a break. Just like a vacation can give us a new perspective on our work, a break from thinking can help us to look at a situation with new eyes.
6. Reading
I binged on books. I admit it. I read books on Buddhism, and Taoism, and Stoicism, all kinds of self-help books. Something about this felt proactive. It was like I was doing homework, like I was taking control of the process, doing all I could to help myself feel better.
7. Creative Expression
Writing has always been helpful to me. I guess that in this, one of my least favorite chapters in my life, with the catastrophic ending of my relationship, it’s no surprise that I started focusing more on my writing.
It’s saved me in ways that even playing music could not. I think I’ll release a collection of my essays sometime soon. Some of them are really good. I’m not saying everyone should take up writing, but creativity in any form helps, even if it’s baking a cake or playing with Legos with your friend’s child. Adele turned the painful ending of a relationship into an album. Go listen to Rolling in the Deep. Seriously.
I hope this doesn’t sound easy. It isn’t. But I hope you get something out of this list or even become inspired to create your own.
Sometimes we have to take great care with ourselves after a breakup, and that’s okay. It’s not so different than recovering from an illness or from surgery. Be gentle with yourself; rest if you need to. It takes as long as it takes.
Remember, we are all the same at our core. Everyone wants to be happy and no one wants to suffer.
Break-up image via Shutterstock
About James Gummer
James Gummer has no idea what's going on and is learning to be okay with that. He writes in Baltimore, Maryland where he also teaches drumming, qigong, and meditation. His collection of essays will be available soon. Visit him at james-writes.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Break ups are by far, no fun. After the break up is all about how we handle it and heal. Hopefully it was a learning experience and to not be repeated. Great post!
I’ve just had sort of a breakup with a person whom I thought was a friend. I have not had a fight with her, actually this is a “virtual breakup”. Let me explain…
She is a wonderful person but has serious self-esteem and validation issues. I have been trying to be the best friend that I know to be and she keeps pushing me away. She gets close whenever she feels like and that just kills me…
I understand now that I don’t have the emotional capacity or maturity to be her friend so I’ve decided to “break it up”. I need to take care of myself first and your tips to move on are wonderful. I’ve been doing some of them, like walking it off.
I’m walking it off coach! Loved that
Good for you! Take care of yourself. Just like the mask on an air plane. You have to put one on yourself before you can help someone else with their’s.
James
Oh so very timely, thank you! I’ve done all those things on your list and they’ve helped immensely: walked it off (gone to the gym to lift weights and run), talked it out, binged on Netflix (Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Arrested Development), read self-help books and blogs. Like I said they all helped but the most helpful of all was staying in the present, even if it means concentrating on your breath in order to push away the memories. Thanks again for your article! 🙂
I wished you’ve posted this post earlier without me having to go through each of every step alone and without any guidance. But eventually, I would approve that every point you made is very true. It’s a great article, I just retweeted it and hope my followers who’s having the same problem can read this and be able to move on with less burden on their back.
Nice James to write down self experience. Did anyone try to do more on ‘mindfulness’? This way was the most powerful in my case. I know it’s not easy to make certain focus… but with practice its getting better.
What also helped me is the Unconditional love… If I trully loved thn I must wish all the best to the exgirlfriend. I must remain satisfied with myself and give to others (and the love one) because I feel giveness is part of my joy.
Thanks, James, it’s good and compassionate advice. I am on vacation now and half a world away from my ex, with some time to follow the creative pursuits I’ve been putting off. I am hoping this time away will help. Cheers and keep writing! 😀
Much appreciated article here. I too, am trying to rebuild a new life after having someone I really thought was one I could partner my life with, dumped me. I like your list. I’m doing all of that. I think of it as a process with no one sure fire cure. The point is to do enough to move forward one day at a time.
One day at a time.
One day at a time!
You’re so right!
-James
“The point is to do enough to move forward one day at a time”………..YES,that is sometimes asking for more than I believe is possible in that “moment”when a memory or thought of that person lost is comparable to having the air knocked out of you,and the truth sinks in that you will never “be” with that person again.You feel so alone with the pain,and grief,like no one could ever feel this way,and function as “normal”each day, but WE DO.Reading these posts are such a moment of surrender to realize there is a whole world of people suffering just like me,and we will and do eventually pass through this stage,where the “clouds”eventually lift.Pain from love lost is a universal experience,and we are not unique with our pain. Thanks for posting,and being part of the process!!
This is such a wise list. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said here and I appreciated your honesty and openness. I love your writing & I do hope you will release the collection of your essays because you’ve got a gift.
Best to you ~ I hope it will get easier soon.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to post, Allanah. I really appreciate it.
James
James! At this time last year I could barely move, I was so torn up by the failure of a love affair. Since then I have done all the things you recommend in your article and here I am, mending and moving on, again. And I totally agree with your recommendation of video therapy. Have you seen the series Enlightened with Laura Dern? She is so human in that show, bumbling along the path. Lots of great role models in shows and movies not only to distract but also to inspire as you have with you writing.
Gratefully,
Nixa
Beautiful entry. The circumstances of your relationship are very similar to mine and this was very helpful to me today. Thank you!
Thanks so much for posting this article and sharing your wisdom.. It was just what I needed. I am so grateful I discovered Tiny Buddha 🙂
You’re welcome.
Thanks for spending your time reading my words.
-James
Love these posts
I am stuck in the hell of a breakup and I can’t get rid of the pain. I feel lost and can’t cope with getting through an hour at a time. I just feel so abandoned and in absolute despair I really can’t cope with this
Suzy – I’m in the same boat. It ebbs and flows for me though. Just breathing, sitting, giving gratitude for the experience is helpful to me. Best wishes
Really am stuck the pain is agonising I don’t know what to do at all. He doesn’t know what he wants but tells me I’m perfect
Suzy, i am going through this as well but we arent fighting. Its painful and i wish i could just get back to the time before him when i was good with being alone.
Suzy I feel you…after distancing myself from the love of my life, I feel confusedz terribly depressed, lost, and like all the energy and stamina has been sucked out of me. But slowly and surely, it is getting easier. You have to keep yourself occupied with things you love to do, even you got with this person. Find what you love, and put all your energy and focus into it! That way you won’t make yourself miserable just moping around and wallowing in your own misery. Trust Me just thinking about the situation will only make it worse! Give him time. If he really loves you, he will come back. But meanwhile- focus on yourself and what you love! Life is to short to worry and fret. It will be OK. I’m praying for you!
I am going through something similar and the pain of dealing with this breakup is too much to bear. I can barely make it through each minute of the day. I just cant take it anymore 🙁 I have tried everything and nothing is helping. I feel like I will never be able to let go; I don’t even want to let go. It’s just so difficult and I don’t know what to do.
great suggestions…. these are thing that i have actually done as well. Im two months into a break-up with a relationship that lasted 8 years. Your suggestions will help to administer some relief in getting back to yourself. That is the important aspect of it, getting back to loving yourself again. Thanks for the reassurance.
Lovely post. My first visit to your site. I’ll be back.
Break ups make you feel like you are the only person in the world who is going through the gut-wrenching painful ache that comes with being rejected. Thank you for reminding me that we are never alone. x
We are never alone.
James
My wife of 21 years left me and filed for divorce and I’m completely devastated. My world looks different and things actually even smell different. Everything is dark and gets worse everyday. I lost my job because I can’t focus and became homeless until a friend took me in. I’m sick everyday and wanted to kill myself but can’t seem to do it. I really wish
I could. To say I’m hurt and in pain
Is an understatement. I made a lot of mistakes but don’t think anyone deserves this.
These are all wonderful suggestions. As a mindfulness meditation practitioner and teacher, I particularly like your suggestions about detachment, walking, and mindfulness.
In another blog post, I commented how a simple exercise I developed helped me improve my relationship with my girlfriend. I’ve found that the writing meditation exercise also helps people overcome the wounds from their past.
Since the writing meditation is a variation of loving-kindness meditation, it enables us to change the way we feel about the people who have hurt us, so we can overcome the pain and animosity toward them.
The writing meditation will also help us strengthen our relationships with the other people in our lives, so they can provide us with the spiritual nourishment we need to get through difficult times. It will then help us become more loving, compassionate and understanding, so we can be a better partner in our future relationship.
As I continue doing the exercise, I am discovering many new ways of how my life is being transform because of the change in my views about other people. In general, people are becoming more allies, rather than the adversaries they were in the past.
I strongly recommend writing meditation to anyone trying to overcome their wounds from the past. If you want me to send you a copy of the writing meditation exercise, contact me and I’ll email it to you. There is no charge. It is my gift to you and your loved ones.
Warm regards,
Charles A. Francis
Hi Charles,
I’d like to see it.
Jamesgummer@jamesgummer.com
Thanks,
James
Thank you Charles,I would appreciate a copy.Bless You.email is longd0405@gmail.com
I would love to have a copy of the writing meditation exercise.
Devin.Yates@gmail.com
Thank you,
Devin
Hi Charles, I would like to have a copy too. My email is jnichols777@hotmai:disqus l.com.
Thank you,
Jeremy
I would love that, I believe that meditation is a much healthier alternative than a lot of other self-destructive things that most people tend to do. My email is gesseniarivas@gmail.com
Yes. Please send me a copy. My email is napiliwahine3@hotmail.com
@hotmail:disqus Aloha
thank you Charles please help me out of this nightmare…email seanprs@hotmail.com
Hello can u send me the meditation exercise? Anjludwika@gmail.com
Hi Charles can i have a copy also?!
Trying to cope with a broken heart and not being consumed with hatred.
Many thanks
Namaste
Nidia
Nidia
Where would you like me to send it?
Charles
Hi Charles, sounds wonderful.. could you please send me a copy to caitlin.archibald@gmail.com. Kindest Regards, Caitlin
Thank u Charles, please send me a copy maryann2006q@gmail.com
I would really like that! Could you please email it to me? bluesky510@yahoo.com
send me a copy please ? thanks trpeterson958@gmail.com
send me a copy please.. thank you
.
Me too!!
yesterdaysgoddess@gmail.com
Me too please! ewilson.nz@gmail.com
if this is still an option, could you please send me a copy as well? ajd735@hotmail.com
Heyy… plsss helpp me.. i want to moveon.. bt inside i wishh i realllyy wish he cud comback fo me.. mrremy520@gmail.com i wish dis cud help me..
Dear Charles, I would appreciate a copy of your writing meditation as well. Going through a very difficult time. I never thought this would end, but it’s not my call. Thank you for your gift!! brennan_kevin_p@hotmail.com
hi charles, can u share me ur meditation exercises…thank u…..liza my email address is lovenutsliza@yahoo.com…thank u again and God Bless…
Me to please..
russellmathew69@gmail.com
I would really love a copy please charles, thanks in advance.
id: akirocks15@gmail.com
Please can you send it to me too. I need lots of help right now. Thank you. jess_k24@hotmail.com
Hi Charles, I think as I explore myself during my difficult situation, that this meditation may be helpful to me. Please send to ginjuice7@hotmail.com. THanks, Ginny
hi how are you? can you please send me a copy as well…i think it would do me alot of good…nyaries327@yahoo.com…thank u so much…
I would like to receive your gift of a writing meditation exercise. I currently write to release the pain of a breakup, but a structured writing exercise is welcomed. I recently said enough to the pride within my friend/lover of six and a half years. He admitted two years ago his pride was the source of our problems. As I explored what pride does to the individual and relationships I knew he was right. He said he wanted to change and our relationship was renewed. I knew it was his work not mine and all that I could do was assist him with his journey and bring into awareness when he fell short of his goal. I always felt he didn’t know better and in knowing he would do better. But, his pride didn’t see it as help, but criticism. I have discovered pride hardens the heart of a person and does not allow them to love properly or allow them to acknowledge that others have needs not more important but equal to theirs. But, the change never came and he became more prideful during this past year. So, knowing if I stayed it would be more of the same and the change he once said he desired was not to be, I needed to take the first step and claim Life’s gift. I took the step to move away not in silence but tried to communicate my feelings and thoughts to him. His reaction was as usual, silence. I will be moving close to family and will have the love and companionship so desired. I am not a ‘spring chicken’ in years, but in heart I am young and full of life, and decided the time was now. Packing and saying good-bye has been hard and I hope with this meditation exercise I can ease the pain. I love this man and wish things would have been different and I would have known more to have made a difference. As for me, I will have family, and will make new friends as I create more love and joy in my life. I have gained valuable insight for which I am thankful. Thank you for sharing.
Carol,
Thank you for your interest in our writing meditation exercise. You can download a free copy from our website at: http://wp.me/P22v0Y-26
Hope it helps you on your spiritual journey.
Best regards,
Charles
P.S. Feel free to share it with anyone you like.
Hello Charles,just read this blog and would like to thank you so much for sharing the reference to the writing meditation. Your gift has touched me and by the looks of it many………….others. Thank you.
I’m happy to be of help.
hi can you please send me a copy. I really need to overcome this pain.
by the way this is my email add anya.dll@gmail.com
I really need help. I met the LOVE of my life 2.5 years ago and we have been on an on/off relationship for the last year. I love her so much. There are a lot of issues we have, I’m not going to divulge into them. This last time, I said I was leaving her, but changed my mind and came back. Then she told me she feels used and that I can’t make up my mind. Bottom line is I’m torn… I love this woman to DEATH and we’ve been to hell and back together…I can’t imagine it could be over. I’m in denial that its over and still think I can make it work. She’s Told me she needs some time to think- so I’m giving her space but it is…so…hard…I feel so alone. Help!
I was just browsing this site and came upon your post. I noticed that it was recent and no one had replied, so thought I’d give my two cents.
I recently decided to end a 3 year relationship with a really great girl. We have a lot in common and still get along very well, but there were things that I saw in her and in the relationship that made me too uncomfortable to ignore. I suppose these are similar to the “issues” that you mention that you also have. Every couple has their own problems they need to acknowledge and, if they so decide, to work through. In my case, I eventually had to make the decision that things couldn’t become better for us as individuals without this enormous change. It’s scary as hell, and it’s still surreal for me sometimes. And being the one that ended things, I know I’m putting her through a lot of pain, and it truly hurts me to know that I can’t be the one to console her. But I know, in the end, that I have to trust myself and the decision, and better days are ahead.
All this to say that whether you feel it or not, you aren’t alone. We all hurt, we all grieve, we all suffer, we all fear. Stay strong and take time to listen to yourself to figure out what it is that you need.
Andy,
What a coincidence, people used to call me that- is your name Andy or just a nickname? Anywho- thanks for your reply, I didn’t even expect one, but it is cool to see that people care, it’s a tough world out there! Yes, like you said, the relationship I am in has many many red flags, you know, but I keep thinking I can save it and “it must be me” and “what if I tried harder” or “its not THAT bad,” when in reality, it IS that bad, as a fellow once told me, “your just blinded by your emotional/sexual connection with this girl, so its like being in a dark forest surrounded by trees and you can’t see the sun so you just keep walking around in circles, thinking you will find the sun somewhere in that dark forest if only you look harder/give it time.” But Andy, truth is, every time I go back to her, I realize that tho we have so many things in common, and get along SO well, and are literally eachothers soul mate, there are a LOT of warning signs. Its just making that FINAL break that’s so hard. I’m terrified nobody else will ever match me like she does. Like u said, every couple has problems, but we’ve tried to work through ours, and we always go back to square one. I hope it works out. If not- life is to short to worry about one woman, however special. There are a million special women out there. Good luck to u and cheers mate! Ciao!
I would love a copy of the writing meditation exercise. Vfrost77@hotmail.com
Please send me a copy, Yassie2201@yahoo.com
Jenessisjuarez@yahoo.com
Thankyou
I would love to try this. Please send me the info…thks
Kyla, you can download a free copy at http://wp.me/P22v0Y-26.
Best wishes,
Charles
Hi Charles. Please mail me segar1@btinternet.com a copy of the writing meditation. Many thanks Joe
Please send it to me ana.laboon@gmail.com
Good morning. I am interested in writing meditation, thank you. And I would like to thank James for such a nice article. I feel like we need suffering as the way to grow spiritually, and it’s unfortunate it is so painful sometimes. I also keep having strong thoughts about writing. It’s really something I need to do, that is why I would appreciate any advice or exercises. My email is katerinkee@gmail.com
Thank you,
Katerina
Hello, can you send me the copy? Thanks.
thanks for the suggestions. i have found it painful to let go of a relationship that only lasted a few months because it was all potential and no history. when my long-term relationship ended, it was easy to see it had run its course. when my last relationship ended, it hadn’t even had a chance to start to run. it was hard to let go of hope.
i have also found that writing is really helpful and i wrote more during the end of the relationship than i had in the previous year combined. but it helps with the pain a lot and keeps things in perspective a bit, seeing that the pain cycles and not in a predictable way.
I know this may seem counter-intuitive, but writing down or expressing all of the things that made me feel grateful for having the relationship with the person I broke up with was key to my ability to let go without losing my love for her. This allowed me to respect the time and moments we shared as a valuable period of my life….one that I would never really wish to forget. Relationships are conditional and therefore impermanent, but the love we feel for someone doesn’t have to be that way. This has allowed me to accept the end of my relationship with her without carrying any negative emotional energy into the birth of any new relationships I might find. We can choose to see our past relationships as a success or as a failure. If the axiom is true that success builds on success….I choose success.
Thank you. With all due respect, however, There can be a huge disparity in being the one who breaks up and the one who is broken up with.
It seems like all the love advice out there is
dedicated to those who have had their heart broken, but what about the people doing the heart breaking? It’s never easy breaking up with someone; in fact it’s incredibly difficult and draining. It’s imperative that you do it right or you could end up emotionally scarring your partner for life.
Follow my tips and you can gently break your
Partner’s heart.
1. First be honest, but not too honest. When
explaining your reason behind the breakup, keep it brief and concise. You don’t need to rehash every little past annoyance and you certainly don’t need to tell him or her about their every flaw.
2. Next be kind. While it’s important to be brief and concise, it’s even more important to be kind. Assuming it’s an amicable breakup, make sure that you tell your partner that you truly care about him or her, but it just isn’t going to work out then you can state your reason in a gentle way. Continue reading..www.bubblews.com/news/3849160-how-to-break-someone039s-heart
What a wonderful exercise in forgiveness. I will do this practice as I mend my heart.
Thanks James…love the wisdom in this piece. The key I think is to simply allow and invite the pain to do its thing. Then it passes. I have a few posts relating to this that may also be of interest http://www.servingothersblog.com I will check your site now. Thanks again.
Walking, detachment and creative expressions: three lifebuoys. Come handy in any negative situation!
Thanks for your post, James 🙂
Some good thoughts, I might add to this that it is important to make sure you don’t self destruct. I mean turn to drink or the the like, I’ve done this and it makes things worse.
Another thing that you have to remember is that reading all of this advice isn’t the same as putting it into practice. After a 4 1/2 year long relationship with breakups every other couple of months and “this is the REAL end now,” it’s finally happening. I’m in the denial/hopeful stage and I don’t want to give myself time to grieve because I know myself well enough to know that I will NEVER let myself get out of this stage if I do. I know that I don’t want to let him go but it’s time to. It’s time to put it into practice. To force those thoughts out of your head of them and to not hate yourself for struggling through this.
I’m going through the same thing… after an almost 5 year relationship with my best friend/lover. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man. Now I need to detach and let go.
I started taking the first steps though, I removed myself from all contact with him but kept a secret Facebook open that he and I were friends on, I just found out that he unfriended me on there and deleted his old facebook where he had pictures of both of us together. I’m angry and hurt, this is really hard. So good luck kuulei, we both need it!
Same is my case, but couldn’t stand anymore his sociopath behaviour.
ive just split after 8 years he was a evil narrsissis ???
Keep walking, look at the present and be positive. I know can “be” easy to say, but I went to the same drama like you, and now is worth it, just take a while. to get rid of the toxic situations we went in our past.
Have courage!!!
And love yourself.
Hugs,
Lola
detaching and letting go seems so final though. grieving and staying in this phase is my last attachment to him and i am not ready to let that or him go completely just yet. even though i am making myself ill from this sadness. now more than ever i wish a mind could be erased and a memory removed. how i wish i never met him. maybe someday though i will be grateful i did. ….
Its been 2 years now…Are you over him?
I know what u mean its so hard!!!
how does one let go. how does one conquer the pain of possibly not having that person again of losing that person forever? this is the feeling im battling now. i’ve been with him for 2 years and I can really see myself spending my whole life with him. how do you let go of that?
I for one can’t let go I’ve been on many of these chats or blogs and I’m just still hurting I know I’m suppose to because she just ended it with me today she came took her stuff like it was a stranger moving out we were together for 4 years she cheated on me twice and I still fought for her I let her come back but I fought for her and she can’t even fight for me in a 4 year relationship it’s messed up I’m so angry sad and hurt I’ve never cried for any girl like I did today and she has to tell me that she still loves me how is that even possible loving someone isn’t walking out when stuff gets rough the reason she left btw was because she need to find her inner stuff and that she feels sorry for me cause she cheated on me like I need help or something
Hello, how are u feeling now? Wer u able to move on? I’m in the similar phase wanted to know if you are okay, and what made you to move on?
I totally understand how you feel. How is it going? Its been a while, did things get better? did you go back?
Same goes to me, after a year plus and planned to get married next year. Within days he said he don’t love me anymore, without any clues of why is this happening. I’m devasting now knowing that i must forced myself to let go and move on.
it’s difficult for me. Detached from her for about 2 years, making all the efforts to keep her off from my mind. but my mind thinks of her, it’s difficult for me to breathe the fresh air. Please help.
Good article and good timing for me. I’ve been doing a lot of this on my own and they definitely work; some better than others. I find walking and writing particularly therapeutic. The practice of detachment, which is by the most powerful in the list is also the most difficult one to master. Attachment is definitely the source of the pain in situations like this. We hold on to the memories, the fantasies, the hope that we had and in some cases, still have. We even hold on to the idea that we shouldn’t be feeling like this, which unfortunately just makes it worse. The only way past these experiences is to go through it and experiene the emotions and simply allow ourselves to “feel”. In time (and with practice of the 7 ways above), things will get better. Thanks for the article, :).
Thank you for this. I needed to read this….especially the first one.
thks a lot sir,realy ur advice brings a hope to live for my family and for whom I meant,i was loving sandhya more than my life.but she left only because after MBA I could not qualify for agood company.thank u sir for givinge a new life.
I broke up with my partner only 3 days ago. It was my choice but only because I had to protect my children from his controlling aggressive behavior. I know this is the right thing to do but at the moment it still feels pretty raw. Not only is the there the emotional stuff but all the other things like money, rent etc. I have found out that my family and friends mean everything and they have been fantastic, even the people I work with have surprised me in ways I am truly grateful for.
Thanks for all the tips online. I have dabbled in Buddhist practice and tried to take up meditation in the past.
Like most people I’m sure I’ll get through this but it is such a horrid feeling.
Heya urzs is a good advice…… Can u send some of ur more writings on jongonsalves@gmail.com plzzz thanx
Jon
This is the best thing I have ever read. Three days after the most painful, horribly sad break-up I have ever been through and the most broken heart I could ever imagine, this was just what I needed to read. Everyone is giving me stacks of advice and “help” but nothing has spoken to me the way this article did. I am so pleased that I now have 7 different things I can slowly shuffle through if and when I feel up to it …. the walking, the writing/being creative, being mindful, etc. It’s like a class I have just enrolled in to heal my broken heart and slowly I will make my way through the 7 “lessons”. If nothing else, at least this has given me something to do while I try to endure this awful pain. Best wishes to anyone else going through the same thing right now, and thanks to the author for putting this out there.
I like that you call it a “class.” That’s a nice way to think about it. And I agree, sometimes we just need something to do during painful times. That was how this essay was born. It was part of my healing.
Hi Charles. I was just wondering if you could send me a copy of the mediation writing exercise? I’m going through some horrible pain with my break up. Please. My email is.. elorabby@Gmail.com. thank you
I did not know that I had the capacity to suffer this vast amount anguish. I’ve been searching for the barest relief and am so grateful to have found your writing. It is clearly authentic I can finally see myself embracing your list to get myself back on track to being a stable person. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you James.
I will write these steps down on my white board. After a 12 yr. relationship ended my ex and I still saw each other and were still having sex. Now four yrs. have passed and I’m finally realizing what a big mistake it was. I had started having feelings for her and was afraid to tell her for fear of losing my best friend and lover again. When I finally got the courage to say something she said she had been feeling the same. Both of us thought we just wanted the friends with benefits and nothing more so while I hung on to hope, she decided she needed to move on.
Now i’m heart broken again. What a lesson to learn the hard way. I’ve already been doing step 2 and I now i’ve done step one. This list will help me through the next rough patch of picking myself up and starting fresh.
I don’t feel so alone and it’s a comfort to know that it’s okay for guys to feel hurt and sad. Sometimes I cry but most times I listen to and play music. Creative outlets are awesome!
Thank you again for some words of wisdom and thanks to the creator of this site. The universe is helping me see that things are going to be o.k.
It’s true. Guys do hurt. It’s okay to feel. I did meet someone amazing around the time that this essay was published. And though that relationship ended and I was very sad, it did reinforce to me that life does move on. There are happy moments. Things often change. I could never have predicted anything that happened.
I hope you are moving on, Evangabriel. Listening to music, I find, can make me ‘maudlin’ which actually doesn’t help! I hate the grieving process and want to be at a future point where the pain has dissipated! I trust you are feeling better, given that it happened 4 months ago…
I feel like I will never pull through this….my ex has moved on and we’ve only been broken up under 2 weeks. Were together 2 years. I am going out of my mind with horrible thoughts of the two of them and memories of the two of us. I don’t know how to move on…….I can’t see the way out of this pain I’m in. The days are so long and the nights are even longer. help please 🙁 I can’t carry on living like this
Thank you. I needed this.
Thank you thank you DR ABULU for what you have just done, for helping me geting my husband who left me with two kids april last year to me i thank you so much the great DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com for bringing back my family i am greatfull and will always be if you also need his help his email . abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com
I love you so much that she said she dont want a relationship with no one because she still married and didnt get over him yet but no fare to me that we feel in love for a year now she feel out of love I think she Is a lier.
My name is Melisa. I am from morroco. I am happy to tell the word about a man called Dr Jojo Mork.Who helped me in getting my ex husband back. From one year break up, I am happy to have my ex back. If you need help contact him at drjojomorkspellcaster@gmail.com
you can still find your own success
Thank you
Thank you for these words, its never easy to let go and the uncertainty. I spent 8 years with a wonderful woman and now I have to start the healing process with a fresh gaping wound in my heart. thank you for your words and advise I will try my best. what sums it up is that P!nk song Try you got to get up and Try Try Try……..
you apparently wrote this for me. I going to walk it off!
Big thanks to Lord Azeez for making my wish true! I was totally devastated when Frank left me. It was like all my world vanishing into sorrow and pain. But your kind words when I first emailed you gave me hope. I felt how sincere, honest and authentic he were from his first email. I know it sounds weird but out of all the casters I contacted, he were the only one to give me that impression of being so true and caring. More than your words, it s the fantastic work you accomplished for me that I will keep in mind. He brought my lover back and he made all my wishes come true. He s now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema or at the restaurant. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! if there is anyone to get your ex back to you, it is Lordazeez1990@hotmail.com
Thank you. I needed to read this right now.
My husband and I has been through so many trials with family deaths and his illness, that changed both of us. I became an unhappy and unappreciative wife. My husband left. My relationship with him was suffering. Him leaving was the worse thing that ever happened to me, that wake’s me up crying all nite. I started working with Dr Sango as a stander. But little did I realize that Dr Sango was going to reveal all the things in me that needed to change. helped me see the kind of man I’m supposed to be with. and i started seeking the hand of Dr Sango to change my heart and my husband’s. I had to accept that I could not change my husband, only Dr Sango can do that. I went to my husband and asked for his forgiveness for all my shortcomings as a wife. I asked him to give me another chance. He is now home.thank you father for job well done in my life you can also reach him via email address : sangospelltemple@gmail.com
I don’t know how to say this to the on how i was able to get my wife,i have great joy in me as i am writing this testimony about the great man called DR ODUMDU When my lover left me i never taught that i will be able to get her back after all she has put me through, But i am so happy that after my contact with DR ODUMDU i was able to get my lover back after 48hours and i can proudly say that who ever need help in getting there lover back should contact DR ODUMDU on his email adders landofsolution1@gmail.com or call +2347053319835 you will be so happy you did
Hi Charles can I get a copy of this please. I would be so thankfull for any help. taajruprai@hotmail.co.uk
very helpful and related to my current state of mind. you made my day , Thank you ! really wish i could follow some of the steps
I heard so many things about DR Lawrence and every story has been so great. so here is my story, me and the father of my son has been off and on for 3 years its been a very stressful relationship. he cheated on me and I was very hurt, it was miserable for me so in returned I cheated because I wanted him to feel the pain but he never cares so we went apart, so he went back to his ex.i wanted him to leave her and let us come back together, I love him so much and I just want him to feel the same way feel for him, lucky for me DR Lawrence was the one who brought my lover back to me, drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com
I want to testify of the good work of Great Priest Essyewa, who helped me in bringing back my ex, i never thought i was going to have him again. i was in a relationship for 3yrs with a boy i believed he loved me more than anything in the world after a while i noticed some changes in him, things that he will not even notice he started nagging about them so i knew something was wrong. I tried to please him in several was but yet no outcome. shortly i noticed he was seeing another girl i tried to make him understand that i loved him so much but he wouldn’t even listen. one day i read a testimony on a similar case a person testifying of the work of this great prophet even when i did not believe i was convinced by my friend, so i contacted him and tried his method reluctantly surprisingly in less than 3 days, my lover contacted me and begged me that he was very sorry for the heart break, till date we are still together happily married. This great prophet has helped me in bringing back my ex. so if you are going through a similar thing or you have a problem just contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. here is his email: greatpriestessyewa@gmail.com
Just contact him now and you shall also see his good result
i am Melony from Sweden,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex lover back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another man,l in a couple of months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Dr IRABOR the great spell-caster,I narrated my problem to Dr IRABOR about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was apologizing for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to plead for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i apply for to work as a manager,I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr IRABOR at the following email address and get all your problems solved..No problem is too big for him to solve.Email him on:iraborspelltemple@gmail.com,and all your problems will be solved and you will be glad at last.
Am Mrs Benita obaba from USA,i want to testify of the good work of DR FRANK.
i was humiliated by my ex husband and also treated like a commoner because he got in contact with with a harlot who turned him against me totally.
i need vengeance by all means so i got in contact with DR FRANK who help fight against the harlot and the two of them had a serious marital breakdown and confusion was now their breakfast and all and everything went down the drain and he is begging me now like seriously,as am saying this right now my husband is even more 100% in love with me again but i don’t want to give him any chance again because i don’t want to get hurt.
so whatever your situation look like just email the below address now.
zooloozospellcast@yahoo.com
i am Mrs cherry Johnson from CANADA,i want to testify of the good work of DR FRANK in my life,i lost my husband to a prostitute who vow to take him away from me by all means.
i was confused never to know what to do until this faithful day a friend of mine called me that there is a man who can solve my problem immediately,i contacted him and he told me that my husband will come begging on his knees believe it or not on that same day he promise me my husband came to the house after 6months begging me to accept him back,so whatever your situation may look like just email the below address:
BLACKSPIRITSTEMPE@GMAIL.COM