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8 Ways to Be More Confident: Live the Life of Your Dreams

“With realization of one’s own potential & self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” ~Dalai Lama

For the vast majority of my life I didn’t believe I could do most of the things I wanted to do.

I knew I wanted to be in a relationship, but I feared that if I got into one I’d do something to mess it up.

I wanted to perform on Broadway, but even moving to New York City didn’t give me the courage to audition.

I wanted to be a writer, but I thought it was far too difficult to get published and therefore didn’t even try until my late twenties.

Maybe you’ve never been as unsure of yourself as I used to be, but you can likely relate to that feeling of wanting to do something but feeling terrified to start. This not only limits your potential in life; it also minimizes your ability to make a positive impact on the world around you.

There’s a lot that goes into overcoming those fears. You may need to challenge limiting beliefs formed years ago, or take yourself out of a situation where other people undermine your abilities. One thing that will definitely help is working on your confidence.

Not sure if confidence can be learned? I asked this question on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page to see what readers had to say and then used some of their responses to shape the steps outlined below:

1. Tap into the confidence you were born with.

I feel it’s something that is always there, something you’re born with that gets lost along the way, or stolen by others. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find it again. ~Amy Lee Tempest

You didn’t come out of the womb unsure of your cry or insecure about your large umbilical cord. You came out blissfully unaware of external judgment, concerned only with your own experience and needs. I’m not suggesting that you should be oblivious to other people. It’s just that it may help to remember confidence was your original nature before time started chiseling away at it.

Once you developed a sense of self-awareness, you started forming doubts and insecurities about how other people saw you. You learned to crave praise and avoid criticism, and maybe you started getting down on yourself if you got more of the latter than the former.

When you start feeling unsure of yourself remember: we were all born with confidence, and we can all get it back if we learn to silence the thoughts that threaten it.

2. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

As you learn who you are, you gain confidence in your strengths and also learn your weaknesses. ~Angela Birt

Learning who you are doesn’t happen overnight. For one thing, it can be hard to know which parts of you are you, and which parts are who you think you should be.

A good start is to identify your strengths and weaknesses and then weigh those against what you enjoy. (If you’re great in sales, but you actually can’t stand sales jobs, then it doesn’t really matter if you have confidence there. Unless it’s all about ego—but does that really make you happy?)

It might help to list five things you do well that you enjoy and five things you’d like to do well. Make an effort to utilize some of the first list and work on some of the second every day. As you use your strengths and improve where there’s room to grow, you’ll develop both confidence and fulfillment simultaneously.

3. Expect success.

Confidence comes from success…But confidence also combines another quality because you can be successful, yet lack confidence. It requires a mental attitude shift to an expectation of success. And this alone, can bring about more success, reinforcing the confidence. It spirals from there. ~Jason Hihn

It might seem strange to say expect success since you can’t predict the future, but don’t we do the alternative all the time? Have you ever gone into a stressful situation assuming the worst—that something would go wrong?

Conventional wisdom suggests it’s smart to expect the worst because you won’t be disappointed if you fail and you’ll be pleasantly surprised if you succeed. But research suggests this isn’t universally true. Pessimism can undermine your performance creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Find the successes in every day and you’ll notice over time that they increase.

4. Trust your capabilities.

Confidence comes not from knowing you know everything, but from knowing you can handle what comes up. ~Donn King

No one in the world knows everything. Everyone is good at some things and not so good at others. Don’t weigh your security against what you know or can do; weigh it against your willingness and capacity to learn.

If someone criticizes you, take it is an opportunity to improve. If someone does better than you, see it as an opportunity to learn from them. If you fall short at something, realize you can get closer next time. Don’t worry if you’re not confident in what you can do now—be confident in your potential.

5. Embrace the unknown.

Confidence comes from a space of humility. It is spawned when we dare to see the world through an alternate lens. It grows when we have the courage to embrace the experience of the unknown and the unknowable. ~Hana Lee

People often think confidence means knowing you can create the outcome you desire. To some extent it does, but this idea isn’t universally true for anyone. No matter how talented, smart, or capable you are, you cannot predict or control everything that happens in your life.

Even confident people lose jobs, relationships, and sometimes, their health.

Confidence comes from knowing your competence but acknowledging it’s not solely responsible for creating your world. When you take that weight off your shoulders and realize that sometimes the twists and turns have nothing to do with what you did or should have done, it’s easier to feel confident in what you bring to the table.

6. Take risks.

Confidence is a funny thing. You go out and do the thing you’re most terrified of, and the confidence comes afterwards. ~Christopher Kaminski

If you always do things as you’ve always done them of course you won’t feel confident.

When I first moved to San Francisco, I was highly insecure with relationships. I’d moved a lot and spent years hopping around the country partly to avoid getting close to anyone. Eventually I realized the only way out was through. I’d never be good at relationships if I didn’t jump in, get messy, and learn what to do and not to do.

I had to crawl, walk, fall, and repeat to get comfortable with vulnerability and conflict. I made tons of mistakes, and a lot of it hurt. But I live a peopled life now, and it’s worth all the discomfort it took to get here.

7. Learn to receive praise.

Confidence is earned through positive recognition and reinforcement. ~Don La Franchi

It’s amazing how easy it is to believe all the negative things people say and yet discredit the positive. Taking a compliment is an art. Sometimes, it’s instinctive to assume they’re just being nice or that maybe you aren’t really skilled—you just got lucky.

Occasionally, this may be true, but for the most part you earn the praise you receive. Don’t talk yourself out of believing it. Instead, recycle it into confidence. You did a fantastic job on your project at work; that means you can do it again. You had an amazing performance; that means you can trust you’re talented.

Other people want you to succeed. Now you just have to believe them when they show you you’re worthy.

8. Practice confidence.

It can be practiced—and with that practice you will get better. ~Jacqueline Wolven

Like anything else in life, your confidence will improve with practice. A great opportunity to do this is when you meet new people. Just like if you were the new kid in school, they have no idea who you are—meaning you have an opportunity to show them.

As you shake their hand, introduce yourself, and listen to them speak, watch your internal monologue. If you start doubting yourself in your head, replace your thoughts with more confident ones. Ask yourself what a confident person would do and then try to emulate that.

Watch your posture and your tone. Hunching and mumbling will make you feel and look less confident, so stand up and speak slowly and clearly.

People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.

You may have confidence in some areas and not in others; that’s how it works for most of us. Draw from those areas where you’re self assured.

If you feel inadequate in professional situations, recall how it feels physically when you’re confident in relationships. If you’re insecure in love, access what you feel when you’re comfortable around friends.

Above all, remember you are capable and worthy—just as much as anyone else, regardless of what you’ve achieved, regardless of what mistakes you’ve made. Knowing that intellectually is the first step to believing it in your heart. Believing it is the key to living it. And living it is the key to reaching your potential.

Photo by Satoru Kikuchi

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (which includes one free eBook) & co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you get unstuck & change your life. She's now seeking stories to include in her next book, 365 Tiny Love Challenges by Tiny Buddha. Click here to share your story! For inspiring posts and wisdom quotes, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter & Facebook.

Announcement: Want to share your story in the next Tiny Buddha book? Learn more here!
  • http://brains-trust.co.uk alexparr

    Lori, what a great post and I will definitely take your advice.

    You know that term “… stones will break my bones but words will never harm me” … what utter rubbish!

    I remember when I was 16, my father told me that I was useless and there was nothing more he could do with me but send me to a finishing school and hopefully I'll find some man who'll take care of me. Wonderful!

    For many years I used to laugh this off, but 30+ years later I can still hear those stinging words ringing in my ears – it takes a lot of courage to remember that I am not useless and I am actually very good at a lot of things that I do,

    So words do more harm than I think a lot of people are aware of and it takes many years to build the confidence to be who you are meant to be and not what other people want you to be.

    Again, many thanks for a wonderful article.

    Alex
    http://brains-trust.co.uk
    http://twitter.com/alexparr

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  • http://alwayswellwithin.com/ sandralee

    This is a very helpful list. I really tuned into number 1, the way our doubts are not innate but evolve and also number 7, as it sometimes seems that we reject praise on a very subtle level. I also liked the Dalai Lama quote, as confidence is the basis for effecting change in the world around us. Thanks very much.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Absolutely! When you have confidence, you have the power to make the world a better place. Thanks for reading. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Alex,

    I absolutely know what you mean about words having a lot of power. I have a similar story–when I was younger, an adult around me told me “If I was your age, I wouldn't be your friend.” That was just one of a barrage of negative things I heard, but that one has always stuck with me.

    For years I assumed most people felt that way–that I was someone they couldn't like or respect–and that made it near impossible to feel comfortable in relationships.

    It is comforting to know, though, that we can challenge negative beliefs, no matter how deeply they are ingrained. The process has been a lot slower than I'd have liked, but the process is happening, nonetheless.

    Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/hilary_frambes Hilary Frambes

    Thanks for this post. I'm in the process of applying for masters in art education program. It's been 18 years since I got my bachelor's degree in art, so I have apprehension about going back to school again . And, the job market for isn't great for my chosen vocation, which also fills me with doubt at times. I'm going to bookmark this page to read when I start to hear the negative voices in my head.

  • http://www.organic-made-easy.com/ Happiness

    Part of what turned me from a shy girl to a confident person is being open with others and feeling a sense of belonging… realizing that in a room full of people, I'm no different than the others. All of us are going through nervousness and the hope of being accepted. I think this has helped me the most; feeling guided and loved. When we remind ourselves of how many times we've been cared for and loved by the world around us, it's a bit easier to feel special, to smile at a stranger, and in turn observe that several strangers are now smiling and happy to see us.

  • http://lynnfang.com Lynn Fang

    Hi Lori, thanks for this post. I've been feeling a little in a funk lately, and this post has definitely helped!

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  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I'm so happy it helped!

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  • Eric

    Thanks, Lori. This blog has been very helpful!

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  • Rachel

    I only found Tiny Buddha just yesterday, however, each and every post has brought something new; something that can help me in life when it gets tough, and something to bring out the better person. Tiny Buddha has yet again, inspired me. Everything you do, it all just makes me that one more interested in everything you can achieve.

    I want to achieve my dream, because after all a dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away. And to me, that sounds amazing.

    Thankyou. x

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Rachel,

    I know that feeling of searching for something to fill the void. I’ve attached all my hope to dreams for tomorrow, but I realized that no goal can make all the hurt go away. I can’t say for certain that we’re similar, but one thing I realized is that my only opportunity to melt the hurt was/is today–not someday down the road.

    I wrote a little something about this: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/do-happy-stop-hoping/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

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  • Relainalex

    it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

  • Relainalex

    it remind me that i can do things if i want it done

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  • AmazingButterfly

    Thanks so much Lori!! Last year i told a boy i liked him and he completely rejected me.. I thought i wasnt pretty enough or anything so i closed myself off to everyone, even people i didnt know yet… Thanks so much!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad you’ve decided to change your perspective! I’ve been rejected by my share of boys in my time, and I know that feeling of insecurity. I try to remember that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can hurt me without my consent.” Somehow this always makes me feel stronger!

    Lori

  • Roypooja1988

    love to read this…………

  • Troy

    Beautiful words. And you are a beautiful woman too.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you–I appreciate that! =)

  • Samel

    hello, i really really appreciate your effort of making such guidelines for the benefits of those have very low self-confidence like ME. thank you so much..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m so glad you found this helpful!

  • Rogeref

    well actually you do come out unsure of your cry or at least some babys do, some dont cry some cry a lot some hardly cry some just make a weird noise.
    And well for me I was being choked by my umbillical cord and that ment my cry was not there. Everything in life is shaped befor u exit the womb.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there! I kind of meant that babies aren’t judging how their cry sounds, or how their umbilical cord looks. It’s not a cerebral self-judging experience. But I know what you mean–my sister had the same experience when she was born.

  • Shumaila

    hi,
    thank you for this lovely article that help me a lot
    that is really very motivated and learn to believes readers that they have to trust and should give a importances to themselves that they are capable and they have a worth
    thank you

  • Poison_girl41

    thanks for posting it , i love this

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  • Zulazool

    Congrats, That was great! I want everyone to read it. You are very talented and insightful.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you–I’m so glad you found this post helpful!

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  • Torres Rebecca71

    this really motivates me to go on to the world and put myself all out there. to reach my potentical

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s awesome! I’m so glad. =)

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  • Kritika Chawla

    i wanna be the centre of attraction but i don’t have the confidence!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    In what way do you want to be the center of attraction?

  • http://www.deliveryourpromise.com/ Jamie Matthewman

    Here’s a comment I wrote on Linkedin which I thought I’d share with you…Confidence is a result. It is built through time like any learning process. It requires action to get the ball rolling…the rest in my experience tends to fall in to place if you’re committed to it. We all start out shaky…that’s just life. For a longtime I used to believe I had to be perfect – that stops confidence dead! Nikes ‘just do it’ phrase has some real merit and I also appreciate it doesn’t always feel easy. Sometimes, if it’s really important you just have to do it and ignore those thoughts that say you can’t or you’re not good enough, because it’s your thinking that creates the fear. Nothing else…fear is a self created illusion.A poor use of the magic you have available in your imagination.http://linkd.in/inZQRv – feel free to connect with me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you for adding this, Jamie. Very well put!

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  • Generic Viagra

    Thank you so much Lori! Last year I told a boy that I loved him and he totally rejected .. I’m not pretty enough or something, so I closed to everyone, even people I do not know yet … Thank you!

     Viagra
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    Kamagra

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  • Chakib-tmax

    Thank you so much . 
    I don’t trust my self . I failed at every thing I try .I am sad because of that . I am unable to make my family happy and do what they want . I don’t deserve there love.
    I wish I could do something beneficial in this life !

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Chakib,

    Your comment made me so sad for you, because I know how difficult it is to feel what you’re feeling. I have felt these same things before. I thought I failed at everything, and I’ve also felt certain I don’t deserve love. I don’t know you, but please know that those things are not true. They can’t possibly be true. You’ve probably succeeded at far more than you realize–you’re just too hard on yourself to recognize it.

    And why shouldn’t you deserve love? If you have time, you may want to read this other post I wrote:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-love-your-authentic-self/

    The short version is that you are so much more than you successes and mistakes. You are so much more than you likely give yourself credit for.

    There’s a little exercise I use when I start getting down on myself. I visualize myself as a 5-year old sitting next to me. And then I ask myself if I really want to say those things to her–if I’d really berate that beautiful, innocent little girl who just wants to know and share love. Then I remember, that girl is me. And if I wouldn’t purposely hurt her, I need to be a lot nicer to myself.

    I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts!

    Love Lori

  • Chakib-tmax

    Hi Lori

    Thank you for your support me  . It made me feel better. I really appreciate it .

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. =)

  • Dumisanindiwa

    I really enjoyed reading this book in motived me in a way that i believe in myself

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great to read! I know how painful it can feel to be paralyzed by low confidence, so I’m thrilled to know my post was helpful to you. =)

  • Jbmailer

    I liked it thankyou

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. =)

  • Shubham

    hi lori
    your post was really motivating ang good.
    But, u know i am really confused about myself.
    I don’t know what to take up as my profession.
    I communicate quite little with people, expecting to be humiliated.
    But some of these people consider me to be very good.
    i have only a few handful friends, as i feel shy speaking to new people.
    My mother has faith in me, but i feel hopeless.
    im 19 years old and people my age have already achieved several milestones.
    It is quite a pity that i have larger than life dreams , but not the adequate zeal to go after my dreams.
    thank u

  • Alexparr

    Wow! You are only 19 years old with your whole life ahead of you! I was also a late developer, so don’t let that hold you down.  Have wonderful dreams and shoot for the stars!  I remember something my mother told me when I was young, only communicate with people who make you feel great & ump the rest, as they will only bring you down! Life is too short, so have fun and enjoy it! We’ll help you! Wishing you happiness, courage and most of all confidence to go after all those dreams of yours! Alex

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m with Alex on this one! I didn’t start my writing career until my mid-20s, and it was partially because I lacked confidence. Sometimes it just takes time for confidence to catch up to dreams. The fact that you have big dreams tells me you have the zeal in there somewhere…you’re just figuring out how to access it. Have faith in yourself. I think you will be surprised by how much you will do, all in good time!

  • Mukesh

    i also feel the same as you

  • Sonia Swami

    tooooooooooooooooooooo gud

  • Sonia Swami

    toooooooooooooooooooooo gud………… to be more gudddddddddddddddd better nd bestttttttttttttttt

  • LifeSucks LifeSucks

    not at all did this help me im still going to be the wired quiet kid at school >=( please can you make one for starting a new school because i wont want to be how i was at primary school 

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  • SURJEET

    Hi lori
    Your article is really full of motivation. lori i am also going from the face of lack in confidence. actually i want to change my job and have to but I am scared of doing that. i am not confident enough that I can handle another job lots of ifs and buts are going in my mind weather I can have good adjustment with my new boss. weather i can handle their work properly etc etc. i don’t know what to do. I am 37 years old and working from 12 years at my present job. but now the circumstances are such that i have to change it. please help me in this matter. thanking u in advance.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Surjeet,

    I’m glad you found this post motivational! How can I help?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • SURJEET

    please guide how can i build enough confidence in myself   to change my present job without the fear of failure or rejection!  

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Surjeet,

    I think we will always have fear of failure and rejection. These are natural human emotions, and there’s no way to completely get rid of them. The real goal is learning to act in spite of them. And it’s something we get better at with practice.

    If I were you, I would make a list of the pros and cons of staying and leaving–and also make a realistic assessment of the challenges I would face by quitting. Then if I knew it was in my best interest, I would remind myself of all the things I’ve done well in the past and then take the leap.

    I think the most important thing is to realize is it will be hard, but consider this is an opportunity to prove to yourself just what you can do. When you see that, your confidence will naturally build as a result.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • Sheela_lata09

    i like this 8 point

  • Sks Sharma8

    thanks u to share with us

  • Lucedeadman

    Yes 19 is so young and you have so much time. I lost a lot of confidence in my early 20′s when I was agoraphobic, I’m 27 now and feel I’m only just starting my life from scratch. I don’t mind though, I’m more ambitious, self aware and goal oriented than I ever was and I’m sure I will excell now. Hold on to those dreams Shubham, you’re lucky to have them in the first place :) My favourite quote – ‘the best thing you can learn is how to face a fear’

  • Sehrawatkapil89

    Kritika ji, We all are the child of GOD. And god has given the talent in everyone, so we all are talented, And do Japa or meditation everyday in the morning, and follow CELIBACY(Brahmacharya).
    Thanks
    Kapil Brahmachari

  • Sehrawatkapil89

    Respected Lori, you are doing a great job…keep it up..

  • http://www.freedatingssites.com Lucymcbees

    Can I add to you..?

  • bubbles

    Thank you for this. It’s very motivating. I’m 19 years old and for all those years I’m struggling to gain confidence for myself. Honestly, now I’m depressed because I don’t know what to do. Fear always stands my way. When I do something, I felt like it’s always a failure and it’s making me feel like a failure too. :( Help!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Bubbles,

    I didn’t have much confidence at 19, either, so I understand what you’re going through! I think you’re very insightful to realize feeling like a failure can actually influence what you do. Our thoughts really do create our world.

    A reader shared a post last week that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/realizing-your-self-worth-and-believing-in-your-path/

    She wrote about a lot of the same ideas (feeling like a failure, struggling to gain confidence…)

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • http://flawlessconfidence.com Martin

    Great article, Lori. I especially agree with 2, 5, 6 and 8. I would add that the best way to practice your confidence is to constantly expand your comfort zone. I think that it’s impossible to achieve your ideal lifestyle (“the life of your dreams”) if you don’t step outside your comfort zone on a daily basis. The more you experience, the more confident you’ll feel. You’ll get used to things that once were uncomfortable for you and that will make you grow and improve your self-esteem.

    Shubham – you should note down all your strong points and remind yourself of them daily and whenever you feel insecure/expecting to be humiliated. Know your value – it’ll help you improve your self-esteem. I hope that you’re working on your larger than life dreams!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Great advice, Martin! Every time I stretch myself, I feel a little more confident in my potential. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. =)

  • S P

    Hi Lori,

    I found this article very interesting however there’s one thing that’s on my mind – it’s well and good to come up with ways on how to be more confident, however something I’ve been thinking for a while is – why should we be more confident? I have been confident in various situations in my life and I’ve managed to cope regardless what happens. Lately I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with everything and I’m not sure how to cope.. logically I know what I have to do to feel more confident, but why should we as human beings be more confident? What belief motivates you personally to act on your advice listed here? I’m sure I would find the answer interesting as something that’s meaningful for you may be seen differently by myself.

    Thanks

    SP

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi SP,

    The main thing that’s motivated me to become more confident is my desire to cause myself less pain. At a point when I had no confidence, I constantly undermined myself in my head. I wasn’t unhappy just because I was limiting the chances I took; I was unhappy because I frequently told myself I wasn’t good enough. My lack of confidence turned me into my own punching bag. And I still have to work at this. I can be really hard on myself-if I don’t make a conscious effort to catch those thoughts.

    I act on this advice because I want to feel good about who I’m being and what I’m doing from day to day–and I do that when I act from a place of belief in myself and my potential.

    My question for you: what led you to question why we should be more confident?

    Namaste,
    Lori

  • Amy

    hi. :) i would just like to say i found this really helpful and inspiring. i’m 16 years old and i want to work at a radio station (maybe as a radio host) but right now my confidence is holding me back in school. i won’t speak up in lessons and my teachers say i don’t contribute enough. but everytime i do speak, i feel as though people are constantly judging me and the things i say, which would be a huge problem if i want to go towards the radio career path. anyway, thanks again. :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Amy. I know that feeling well. I felt like that in school, too, and sometimes those fears pop up when I speak in front of a crowd. It can feel terrifying to be in the spotlight like that! How wonderful that you’re challenging yourself so you can follow your dream. I hope to hear you on the radio some day =)

  • ridzie

    lori i want to ask that how to be confident in front of one who likes u but that person doesen’t,,,,,,,,this is the case with me.Iam well confident when that person is not in front of me but as soon as he comes i feel that i cannot speak my words to anyone and this is affecting my personality much ..and i dont have any fellings for him but whenever he looks at me i feel very terrified by him

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    Are you saying that he like you but you don’t like him–and so his attention makes you feel uncomfortable? Or is it that you like him and he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings? I wasn’t sure from your wording…

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/innocentsuz Gypsy-Butterfly ϟ

    Hi Lori,

    I recently finished an internship — the Editor said I took things too seriously, and that I needed to be more confident in what I do, and also in terms of approaching and being more outgoing with fellow co-workers. It takes me awhile to get used to hanging around with new people, and I guess I’m not really a social or open person in real life (whereas I can be very comfortable and open on social-networking sites). Is there a way to be confident, less anti-social and be more comfortable when meeting and working with new people? 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I know exactly what you mean, as it feels a lot more vulnerable to be open in real life than it does on the web. There are actually a couple of other posts you may want to check out:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/11-ways-to-turn-strangers-into-friends/
    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-become-a-magnet-for-friends-7-mindful-tips/

    The first one dealt with this very topic–approaching people and being more outgoing.

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • http://shoaibabdullah.com/2011/11/google-updates-algorithm-give-fresh-results Shoaib

    Thanks for great tips.

  • Chinnu

    hi lori can u help me

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    How can I help?

  • Divya

    hiii, i will shy when i meet to new people and keep quiet pls tell what to do i cant express my feeling infront of anyone unknown who is trying to know me  
    my teacher give me to speak in front of whole school a story and i get too nervous i said my frnd to say it i lost this opportunity what should i do of this shyness how to get rid of this ..???

  • Sapphire Opa

    Hi Lori,

    I really enjoyed this piece. It was uplifting and inspirational. I was wondering if you had any specific advice for aspiring writers. All my life I have felt my mind holds a beauty worth pouring into words, yet I hold myself back on the likelihood that I am probably the only person who agrees with me. I can’t get past 10 pages of anything…. At that point, I reread what I havewritten and find it nothing but crap. Do you have any advice?

    Thank you

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there~ I just responded to your email. I hope it helps!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Sapphire,

    My suggestion would be to start a blog, so that you can learn through experience. This way, you’ll get plenty of opportunities to write and get feedback. As you see how your words affect other people, it will be easier to drop the self-judgment that tells you other people won’t agree with you! It’s highly likely your writing isn’t crap–you just need to learn through practice how to hone your craft. That’s how I learned (and continue to learn).

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_E3MCW5A3UNBIV7PE4GTA5LTYYI Yoggya De silva kande

    Heya Lori,
    I am 18 years old. I recently started university in 2011 and I have to say I did not have the best start. I didnt really bond with my flat mates and therfore, I am excluded from their activities most of the time. It brings me down quite a lot. This happened mainly because I dont have the confidence to approach them most of the time and I am kinda scared of them. I am always thinking that they dont like me….though they are nice to me all the time, i think that they talk about me behind my back! crazy i know! And I have no confidence in the degree I am doing eventhough I love science (i do biochemistry). I also want to take up street dancing and break dancing but am afraid that i will be rubbish at it abd others will reicule me…….. i am really confused and lost. But reading this post kinda helped me today but i think i ll be reading it few more times this year. It is very motivating so,

    Thank you

  • YSD

    Hi lori,
    I love this page! Thanks for putting it up! Its motivated me for next term of uni starting from next week…….You see i just recently started uni in 2011. And lets say….i did not have the best start…i didnt really bond with my flat mates..though they have bonded with eachother very well. Therfore, I am excluded from their group all the time and so I dont get asked to have dinner with them at all and miss dinner quite often since I dont want to eat alone. I thought about talking to them but I feel scared of them…though they are nice to me i fear that they talk about me behind my back. Also I wanted to take up street dancing but didnt do it cuz I though i will be rubbish at it and that people will redicule me for it. And I have no confidence in the degree I am doing (biochem) eventhough i enjoy science I am not enjoying the course at all. I am very confused and lost…So, I will be reading this page quite a few times this year. Thank you again, for putting it up.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this helped you! I believe I emailed you earlier today. I hope the other posts helped as well. =)

  • Angel_sandy

    Yep.Yep you did! Thank you very much! Itwas very helpful. :)

  • College Student

    YSD,

    I recommend that you look at this website http://www.mymajors.com/. I think part of your insecurity is because your dissatisfied with your major. Great! You like science, but do you really see yourself in the next plus years? If it’s a subject that doesn’t come naturally to you and not as comfortable with it, then I really think you should consider switching majors. Don’t live the life what others tell you, because really it’s you that is living your life and whatever makes you most fulfilled. But also don’t really do it for money reasons, because the work that your most skilled at and do well, the money will follow.

    I’m a college student myself, and I used to major in bio. I did found science amazing, but I wasn’t really content and I wasn’t happy, most of the time I felt insecure about myself whether I understood the material or not. It took me a while to admit that I’m not that great in science and switch major, but it definitely made me feel a whole lot happier now that I switched majors to business. Using the website above, also helped me choose the major that I’m majoring in now. Best to ya!
     

  • Eric

    I am working on my first novel. I used to feel how you do. The best advice that I have heard is to right for yourself and have a strong idea about what you want to write about. All writers have their own style, so write whatever you feel is your best work. What I mean about “having a strong idea on what you are writing” is plan out what you are going to write and stick to it. I would describe much of my older writing as “crap” because it had no focus and would constantly go in millions of different directions. It gets easier as you go, and once you have a solid skeleton story you can adjust it as you wish when you do your future drafts.

    Good Luck!

  • Kristian Emmanuel

    Hi Lori 

    Reading your article made me feel a bit better about myself. It’s been really hard these past year or so. There were times where I felt as if a hole had been driven directly through my heart, the world was collapsing around me, and the icing on the cake was that I had no one to turn to. At the start of the year, I decided enough is enough, took to making change, and began by shunning away my bad habits – too much drinking, junk food, etc. Since removing these inconveniences, I feel elevated and that desire to achieve has been regained. The first part has been done. But now I’m trying to take that next step towards taking more risks. I hear physical activity is helpful towards clearing the mind and making you feel good. So I’m gonna start that again. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so glad this made you feel better Kristian! It sounds like you’ve made some amazing progress this year. That’s wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself here. =)

  • Pingback: The Secret to Instant Self-Confidence | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

  • LostinLA

    Hi lori,

    I use to have all the confiedence in the world and very sure of myself. After several bad experiences of losing a sibling, being robbed, fatal car accident, and not to mention having to quit what i thought was a career all happening in a very very short period of time, i’ve lost alot of confidence and faith in within myself. I’ve tried several different ways to ignite my confidence again but nothing seems to work. Any advice?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there LostInLA,

    I can understand how these events may have shattered your confidence. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, and especially all at once. My advice is to build your confidence back up one tiny brave act a time. I’m not sure what that would look like for you, because there’s a lot I don’t know about you. But maybe it’s making one or two calls for work, or getting out of your comfort zone in a social situation. If you take it one day at a time, and start seeing some rewards from these tiny acts, you will gain your confidence back over time.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Sweetienena

    Simply amazing! I`m still taking the hit from all those bullets of truth.

  • http://twitter.com/equiyoga marty whittle

    Wonderful reminder of how easy it is to self sabotage . I love the part about how we were all  born with confidence , and that it comes from a place of humility . :> shanti

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you enjoyed it Marty!

  • Shahma

    hi after going through all these , i feel a bit confident……..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s great! I’m glad the post helped. =)

  • zarish

    i was always very confident in my old school.i always participated in every activity,i was very outgoing,outspoken and was friendly with everyone.i used to participate in speech competitions and was very very outgoing.but eversince i came in a new city in a new school which is much more bigger than the previous one,i feel a little scared at times.i am a very good student that is why i always raise up my hand in class b4 anyone and speak up everything moreover i had a great fight with 4 girls in my class.i was new yet i fought and complained to the teacher .everyone thought that i am bold and not atall shy.BUT the problem is that i can be confident in front of 22 pupils in a class.but find it vert defficult to stand in front of the whole school and do something,i don’t go to the stage when i want to .i feel scared and self concious and can’t show myself that i am a good debater and a good student. i wish to cry when i remember how i used to be in my previous school and how scared i feel in this school.i also have a little problem in meeting guests.
    i have decided to be more practical and confident from next year.

  • zarish

    BTW i am in 8th grade and i am 13

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I imagine it’s tough being in a new city in a new school. It might just take some time to start feeling a little more comfortable there. That’s great you’ve committed to being more confident. Sounds like a great start!

  • haroon

    these great words made my a different person. i feel happy and confident and i have learned how to face the world. now i am ready to execute in the outer world. please read it again and again and you will see a change in yourself. thanks a lot , you are great. haroon

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s wonderful Haroon! I’m so glad my post helped you! =)

  • sakura

    thanks for your advice. It means a lot to my life…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • mimi

    I liked a guy and we’re classmates. I can’t concentrate when he’s around and when he sits next to me, I get more nervous and that i’m always aware of every little things I do. We had presentations (individually) when it’s my turn, I get nervous and my heart beat race! :( I didn’t do well because he was there, I can’t fully concentrate. I was terrified. My presentations went bad, I didn’t do well. I cried whenever I think of it. Everyday i’m struggling to get through my fear. When he’s around, I get nervous and I hate it. Whenever i’m being asked on something in class, I couldn’t answer anything because i’m always aware of his presence. Please help me. I don’t want to stuck this way for such a long time.. please :(

  • Justinwillard9

    Hi everyone!! Im looking for some extra support. im currently in a long distance relationship and we have been together for 2 years. Its hit a ruff patch lately due my insecurity. I was hurt pretty bad in a past relationship so Im having a lot of trouble trusting my partner. even though my partner has done nothing wrong if my she goes out with friends im giving 20 questions trying to find out who what where they were.  i feel like im not good enough for her and i constanly compare myself to other men.I get anxiety every time she goes out. My mind races wondering what she is doing. this is a huge road block i need help with if anyone can lend there opinion thanks, great website recently found it and now its my home page!!! Justin

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Justin,

    It’s a pleasure to e-meet you. I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed Tiny Buddha so far! I can understand your feelings on this, as I’ve carried insecurities from past relationships into new ones, as well. Have you told your partner exactly how you feel? Perhaps if she understands your insecurities better (and what caused them) you will feel more secure in the relationship because you’ll know she understands what you’re dealing with. 

    It’s really helped me to let my boyfriend in on my different insecurities. I’ve been working on them for years, but I still have some. And though I know I need to validate myself, I find it easier to do that when I know I have his understanding and support.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • taylorcarey@rocketmail.com

    It really help me in school

    THANK YOU

  • Saffron

    I dont have confidence either…I dont feel good about myself…What should I do?? :(

  • jacob

    Hi I’m 30 years old. By profession I’m a Designer, I’m very sensitive about my look I always keep myself in sharp look whenever I go to outside home or office as well. Now I m feeling something lost in my look that makes me in-confident, 100 times I see in the mirror sometimes it gives good feel and sometime I drop my all meetings and urgent talks due to by not giving a good feeling. Pls suggest me how can I get empower confidence so that I can save my job and other relationship.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know how paralyzing it can be to feel insecure. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. Tell me: What is it about your appearance that makes you feel unconfident? Have you always felt this way, or is this something new?

  • jacob

    Hi Lori
    its not paralyze. Problem is this I was using trendy hair style that was quite up to the trend now trend has been changed people are adapting other hair style that I feel lack of it and I dont have another style where I can reflect my style I tried it a lot but not able to convince me whether it is right or wrong. the hair style that I used earlier was quite pleasant whenever I use old style people stare me that compel me to think that what other would be analyzing. like this way I feel inconfident

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Ah I see. One thing I have learned is that confidence comes from within. I’ve seen people with styles I would never follow who I admire because they’re unabashedly themselves. So the real question is: Do you feel good about yourself in those old hairstyle? 

  • jacob

     I feel but I fear with people that when they start laugh at me

  • jacob

     I think you are in love or want to let down that guy with your set of skills

  • jacob

     only two type people have over confidence

    One who is very handsome/beautiful nice build up
    Second who has out of the box talent

  • Fatimakhamosh

    hey…your post is really inspirational..i’ll try my best to follow these steps..i want to built my self confident 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you found this helpful!

  • Tee-y2012

    Very inspiring piece. In my own case I have never had confidence in myself, I am above 30 and still lack confidence in myself. I can’t face people to talk and can’t relate with people. Its so bad to the extent that my hubby doesn’t take me with him for any social gathering even if we are both invited. He carries himself so well and doesn’t want me to embarass him. I really need help.

  • http://twitter.com/Monster_Roberts Victoria

    Hi Lori, thankyou so much! I’m 13 years old, and have always dreamed of being a singer.. I have just started my gcse courses and picked performing arts, I’m very very very scared – but it’s my dream. So I’m gonna give it my all, and use your tips to help me be more confident. I hope it goes well for me, and everyone else xxxxx

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s wonderful Victoria! I’m sure you’ll have a blast in your course. =)

  • Dylan Grieve

    Lori, this is brilliantly written, and a powerful and insightful message. This is very good advice, thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much Dylan, and you’re most welcome!

  • http://twitter.com/project771 Richard Petreski

    Going for a job interview and this helped a lot.
    Cheers.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • mrcead

    This is pretty good. Thanks for that. 3 elements here instantly rang a bell within my own behaviors. #’s 4,5&6. I constantly run in the opposite direction of these and I can remember the disappointment I saw in people’s eyes as I balked every single time. Never again. Fake it till ya make it right? Good stuff.

  • Aric

    Thank you this was very helpful. Tomorrow I’m gonna go to school and talk to every single person there. Better they learn who I am through talking to me than assuming who I am while I remain introverted, right?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Aric! That’s wonderful, you’re going to open up to new people. =)

  • Downunder

    Fantastic article :) very realistic and motivational with an easy language to digest.. heaps thanks Lori.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • saga

    :) thanks lori… something gud i felt n my heart, while reading it…..

  • Tavleen Sahi

    Your Post is very inspiring…Thank You so much but i am not able to figure out my strengths ,i am the weakest person at heart.I am presently pursuing BDS.After joining college I have found out that I am the least confident person. I dont enjoy anything,i am trying to develop interest in whatever I do even the small chores at home.Even though I do the best in every exam, I don’t know anything.Somewhere within I have started hating myself and i am just not able to get along well with the people around me, I bore them if I talk to them and the next time I don’t get a very good response.Help me out.How do I start becoming interesting?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Your post made me so sad because you wrote that you you’re not interesting! It seems more like you just don’t know what you’re interested in. That can take time. And I’m sure you have strengths; you just don’t know what they are. What brings you joy? What do people generally turn to you for? You may want to do a search for “strengths finder” online. There are all kinds of tools that can help you identify what you’re good at.

    Beyond that, I’m wondering what else has led you to hate yourself. I’ve been down that path; I know what it’s like to feel lost in self-loathing. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through these feelings? That was very helpful for me, as there was a lot below the surface I needed to work through.

    You are in my thoughts!
    Lori

  • Tavleen Sahi

    People come to me for help in studies but I am not able to help them I give them the wrong advice then right then wrong and then i get confused myself.

  • Sexy Confident woman says:

    I agree, we must stay away from people who undermine our confidence they are not much fun to be around because they are not in the same place. I was blessed with self-confidence throughout my youth but lacked confidence in my opportunities I now know this because of self-awareness. Self awareness is the key to improvement and I been continually improving this limitation for 2 years and 9 months now. The lesson I learnt is that confident people still lose things like health, family, jobs, education, friends. In fact when I became more self -actualised I got more criticism and lost relationships that were holding me back subconsciously.

  • Jim

    This was lovely.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Jim. =)

  • Jeriah

    Omg thank you so much. I just transferred to my new school a couple days ago and I met so many new people. They really did accept me. It took me a while to build of the confidence but I’m glad I ran into this article. Thanks a million.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I hope you’re enjoying your new school!

  • Bam

    I think a big part of gain confidence and becoming outspoken is to give praise and compliments to others as well.

  • lost self esteem&confidence

    Hey Lori I just read this today. I am 19 and I have no self esteem and no confidence. I like to write poetry and sing but I know before any of my dreams can come true I need to gain self esteem and confidence. I have dated guys who have insulted me and abused me emotionally,verbally,and even mentally. They kept telling me they could get any girl they wanted and they kept telling me I was ugly and that if I left them nobody else would want me. I have a guy friend who keeps trying to help me raise my self esteem and become confident but it isn’t doing anything. However it is slowly helping me realize that not all guys are the same and that all my exs have done is lie to me about the if i left them nobody ever wanting me again. I was wondering if you had any advice that might be able to help me with my confidence and my self esteem? Loved this articule by the way.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about the experiences you’ve had with guys. I can understand why that would undermine your confidence.

    It might help to write down all the negative things you’ve come to believe about yourself as a result of your former relationships. Then you can counter each one with proof to the contrary. So, if an ex told you that you were ugly, you can counter that with, “I have a gift for poetry and singing, and friends enjoy being around me. Those are just a few signs of my beauty.” If you learn to identify negative thoughts as they arise, and learn to consistently dispute them, you will eventually change your beliefs about yourself.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Donna

    Hi Lori!

    Good info to go by!!! I have issues about feeling confident with many things. I am working on how I look and feel better about that part. Now I am trying to believe in myself in my skills with my new adventure of modeling/acting. I will be 40 this year and have been signed on with an agency for a year now. I have NEVER done anything like this in my life and really doing well at pushing myself out of my comfort zone! I thought I was to old and realized NO they need someone for every age now…I just need to believe in myself and see me doing this. I am going to work on it. Thanks so much for info!!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Donna,

    Congrats on being signed with an agency! How exciting, that you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and going after your dream! Regarding the post, you’re most welcome. =)

    Lori

  • Karthik

    Hi there……Whatever I do I am doomed and fail miserably…..Even though a post graduate am unable to do well in my research………Is it because I have set high standards to myself or my true capability is gettin reflected now???

  • Cederic

    SUCK MAH DICK

  • Umair Ahmed

    HI lori
    I am a 17 year old teenager and due to my big size and assumingly my looks people assume that I am an agressive and fighting type of a guy but in reality im the complete oposite . Im calm understanding straightforward and kind but once people realize that about me they take advantage of me in any way possible and I can never avoid that or stop that . Because of this I lose a lot of confidence I become shy and quiet and can never stop the “down” feeling I have inside of me. Sometimes when I open up to people and be confident they clearly just ignore me straight up. They give me no attention and I end up as a third wheel in a 2 wheel vehicle. I can never understand how to make a true friend or be myself in front of others . Sometimes I dont even know what to do please help! And I loved your 8 tips btw!

  • Roxas

    Hi, I have extremely low self confidence and self esteem due to my strict upbringing. I tend to always do my best but whenever I fail I am crushed. I am extremely judgmental and hard on myself as a result of my parents. To make matters worst I am kind of different so I don’t really have friends and spent the majority of my life alone. With that said when ever I fail or feel like I’m being scolded the first thing I do is cry the second I am alone. However I just moved in with my boyfriend and the situation is the same. I constantly seek his praise or approval and the second I feel like I failed, let him down, or get criticized by him I instantly break down. And it bothers him because he doesn’t understand that I can’t help it, he just thinks I’m a big cry baby. Idk what to do, or at least help him understand. Please help.

  • Roxas

    I guess I should mention that I tend to hate myself most times and looking in the mirror tends to make me depressed because I try to go through the days imaging that I was different. Because I’ve gone my whole life without a steady friend I often feel alone or empty and like an outcast like I’m some kind of freak. It seems like no one understands how I feel or what it’s like because it seems like everyone around me has someone except me. I’m even starting to cry while I write this. I sometimes think it would be better if I just didn’t exist because it hurts so much but I can’t bring myself to end it so I just go day by day with the pain of being alone. :’(. Why am I like this. I want to be a stronger person but I feel so broken.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Umair,

    How do people take advantage of you? I know it can feel disheartening when you open up to someone and they seem to reject you, but it’s one of those things that’s inevitable for all of us. Sometimes we open up to someone and they’re just not able or willing to reciprocate it. Still, this is the only way to find the people who are willing, able, and interested. Do you have friends who you feel comfortable being yourself around? It may help to think of them when you’re talking to someone new–both to remind yourself that there ARE people who like you just as you are, and to remind yourself how you think and feel when you feel confident.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Why do you think you’re doomed to fail miserably?

  • InfernusVortex

    I agree with everything you have said, but it’s a whole lot easier to say (and read) than to do, but I will keep on practicing your advice and hopefully I will definately be more confident! Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I hear you–it’s always so much easier to read/write than it is to apply. I hope this helps a little!

  • LexyLuvs1D

    WHY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!

  • MRS BIEBER

    I LOVE JUSTIN DREW BIEBER SO MUCH.

  • COCKSUCKER

    DUMBLEDORE NEEDS YOU ON YOUR KNEES. ASAP.

  • justin bieber

    I AM SO SEXY.

  • COCKSUCKER

    Sorry about that comment… I meant SNAPE wants you on your knees

  • rahul

    hey lori..
    i have been experiencing a lot of problems lately due to which i have lost my confidence..initially i was very much confident and loved to take risks but now i feel as if i m sinking..i dont have much frns as i fear to communicate with people and i think that they will disrespect me…i want a solution to this problem..
    plz help…

  • Belieber

    I want to be popular. I want to feel that I am beautiful I want that others will think of me like a happy, pretty Girl. But how am I supposed to do that, to feel beautiful and be proud of myself? I’ve tried once to tell a Guy that I liked him but I guess that I am so unpopular and ugly that He Never cared. He Never Said something about that. And yeah ever since that I am afraid to tell the Guy that I like him. And I guess that there’s no one out there who likes Me like that.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Rahul ~ I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Why do you believe that will people will disrespect you?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Belieber,

    I think there are two parts to this–the first part, you want to believe that you are beautiful, and the second, you want others to see you a certain way. I can tell you from experience it’s a lot easier to focus on the first one, because you can’t control what others think and see; you can only control what you tell yourself about yourself. The good news is that when you’re more confident, other people will start to see you differently.

    You may want to read some of these posts to help change how you see yourself:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/35-simple-ways-to-be-beautiful/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-key-to-beauty-and-acceptance-is-you/

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-feel-comfortable-in-your-own-skin/

    I hope these help a little!

    Lori

  • Luis

    Thank you very much! such a great article! definitely will help me a lot! i am an introvert teen boy and i want to change, i love this. thanks Lori!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Luis!

  • Minu

    I will be an engineer in a couple of months. I have no idea what I am going to do next. I am losing out in interviews because of my lack in confidence. I get clingy at times with people because I think I won’t get better people. I have so many things to achieve. So dreams and the potential still not enough confidence!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pierreelie.mekkah Pierre-Elie Mekkah

    Hi Lori,

    Awesome article that covers the inner aspect of “confidence” really well. But what most people tend to neglect is that confidence is also dependant on how you live your life day to day (would appreciate your input on this and any contradicting point of view). I wrote an article on squidoo desribing my views on this issue http://www.squidoo.com/ideal-lifestyle-design

    I would really appreciate if you could take a look at it

  • J27

    So how does one build up confidence after being in multiple abusive relationships? Mentally and physically.

  • bijju

    it was grt….

  • Saran

    Wonderful…..tiny buddha!!!! Realy its mind entroaching

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m glad you found this helpful.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think it’s different for everyone. For me, it required a lot of therapy, time, and patience with myself. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your feelings?

  • subha

    informative

  • nethra

    i expect more

  • Gerry

    Hi lori/ and all you guys,
    This subject has been playing on my mind a lot the last couple of years, especially the last section on practising confidence.
    In the last couple of years my job spec has changed quite a lot and I find myself having to speak in meetings a lot more.
    A classic situation were I literally seem to crumble,
    (and i mean spectacularly crumble, I can feel the situation grow around me like in a movie where it feels like the whole world turns round to look at me and I may mumble something.)
    Is that situation when not everyone knows each other and I’m asked to introduce myself and talk a litte bit about usually myself?
    Now the bizarre thing is I take classes (I teach martial arts) and in those situations I feel fine.
    I believe it is tied into judgement, ie in the classes I think probably i’m the most knowledgable. Whereas in the meetings I may feel vulnerable?

  • HVm

    hi……….i m 16 years old and mad for a girl bt i cannot tell her i like her as she is gorgeous and i fear that that she might reject me……………i am very shy and cnt talk to people……..my face is full of acne and i dont lik to look at my self……………pls hep wt should i do

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think there’s definitely a connection between vulnerability and confidence. It’s been true for me. I remember someone telling me once to visualize everyone in the audience naked during a presentation, and that actually helped a great. Suddenly I felt a lot less vulnerable!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    There’s another post on the site that you may want to check out:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/overcoming-shyness-how-to-feel-more-confident/

    He talks about dating in the third section, so this may be helpful to you!

  • Anon

    You’re very kind. Thank you.

  • Clare

    Great post — thanks for the info

  • Rani Borkar

    You are never given a dream without the power to make it true. It may seem tough at times and hope can be a difficult thing to hold on to. But when you do achieve your dreams, it will all suddenly make sense why you had to go through the failures to achieve success. And success feels much better when you have had to go through pain to achieve it. Otherwise its just like crossing the road, doesn’t get you on a high.

  • Aleem

    Come On Man Grow Up Now !! You Should Not Be Scared Of Yourself !! Try To Face The Problem By Your Heart !! Something Will Tell You Your Power !!

  • Sedona Cole

    What a great post! I especially like the tip ‘expect success’. We get what we think, ultimately (I wish I could always make it so simple on myself!!). I also have to give a shout out for what I learned from the book ‘The Audacity of Success’ (the title says it all!). It really helped me key in on ‘authenticity’, ‘self integrity’ and ‘inner passion’ before I really found myself coming from a place of ‘true’ confidence. Great post. Loved the share!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much! I haven’t heard of that book before, but I will check it out. =)

  • gaurav navghane

    hi lori,
    thanks a lot for this article … it has helped in lot in building confidence. I need ur help for my career in business world for building confidence

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • Lala

    What happends when you are a 22 year old female trying to gain confidencee but you have no friends no one to talk to other than co-workers wich are only two and that are much older than you and don’t share your same interst. Your family lives far away and are busy with theyre own lifes and dont care much about you they just expect the best out of you. Nothing else. No problems no nothing just a good outcome. You are basicly alone.you came out of a 7 year period of loniliness and depression and forgot what you like to do who you are. Where do you start? Where do you go? Because you cant do it alone sitting at home?..how to gain that confidence on knowing who you are again? Help..?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Lala,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Your story sounds really similar to mine, in that I also struggled with depression, felt alone for years, and lost sight of what I liked to do and who I was.

    What helped me was joining a yoga studio (where I got free classes in exchange for volunteering behind the desk) as this allowed me to connect with myself and others.

    Have you ever tried yoga before? Is this something you’d consider doing? I guarantee it would help you discover a lot about yourself, and it would give you the opportunity to meet open-hearted people.

    Lori

  • Pooja patil

    Hi… I’m pooja patil…. I have a knowledge but i don know how to express myself in front of people. I have lack of confidence,fear and all.. How to overcome of all these.. please help me…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Pooja,

    I will try to help as best I can. What fears do you experience when you try to express yourself in front of people? What goes through your head?

    Lori

  • Jenifer Lamug

    Wow Lori! This is excellent and very motivating. http://www.pinterest.com/iamjenifer/i-am-a-nuskin-global-distributor/

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much–I’m glad you found it helpful!

  • andy

    very well written makes a lot of sense. I myself suffer from social anxiety , reading this is a stepping stone for me.. thanks Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • andy

    Hi Lori , could u help me with social anxiety? I ve been shy from childhood, am 30 year old man, everything makes me nervous now, I feel it’s not in my control and I totally end up being a fool or talk something not wise, my brain completely shuts off when I see a group where I am in it. Recently I had to take up a licence test and became completely nervous and lost it (taken into account am a very good driver with years of experience) if not for the test I am very good driver. I just can’t even do a simple task if I have some one watching me or jus with me, I just get too excited. Thanks again … Andy

  • umesh_vn

    Hi lori. It is the life with lots of good and bad experience made my life dry and thinking about surrounding. Its been said ‘surrounding makes man’s nature’. I better know their roots but from long time I am going to loose my fight against them and every time there I becomes frustrated, found unsuccessful feelings.. but i ‘m still fighting with hopes. These all time I’m going postponed my dreams and fearing to loose their thrill. Your mentioned points are really going to fill new hopes thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Andy,

    Have you ever tried meditation? This really helped me relax in groups of people because I found the hardest thing for me was my racing, insecure thoughts. I know you mentioned it’s the opposite for you–that your mind shuts down–but this could it help you stay calm, focused, and present. If you search YouTube for “meditation” and “social anxiety” you’ll find some great guided meditations that may help!

    Lori

  • andy

    Thanks Lori, you are doing a very good job, helping people and supporting them. I am doing lots of breathing practices (Pranayam) and meditation now, hope this helps me before its too late.. cheers .. Andy again..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and thank you. =)

  • jojo

    This is awesome. I know i’m three years late but i think it deserves kudos.
    i play college basketball and i have been training pretty hard however im just always scared or nervous. its frustrating..i can barely have confidence to put up a shot

  • iesha

    hair done nails done eveything did. lol

  • aaliyah

    hey everyone i hope that you all have been very confident in yourself i think that being confident in yourself because good things come and good things go so be very confident

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I have never played sports before, but I definitely understand the pressure to perform (as a former aspiring actress). I’m glad this helped!

  • Svet Nazarov

    Super important to now only learn it but to live it, just like you said! I also share the top SECRETS in how to build confidence TODAY ==>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AP9W-XriJU&feature=c4-overview&list=UUV69z3I5PtV3LqvsyOZ_6Ww

  • Bakhan Muhammad

    Thank you Lori for sharing your experience. That is wonderful and motivated me to do it as well. I printed out to read every day and practice to be confident. Thank you so much…

  • Stephanie

    I really liked what you wrote. My issue is putting it to use. I have confidence in my head, like I can play things out in my head on what I want to say, but when it comes time to say something I physically cant do it. I feel stuck. And being 19 and having to grow up fast, I just did what I was told and now its having its toll on me. Im afraid of doing anything because I think that others will judge me or I wont do something right; that i am going to disappoint them. I have started a new relationship.6 months now and I think my lack of confidence is taking its toll on it. Help? Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Stephanie~ It may help to listen to some guided meditations on YouTube. These are powerful because they help you absorb the messages in your unconscious mind. So instead of just having confidence in your head, when you’re thinking through what you’ll say or do, you will challenge the deeply engrained beliefs that trip you up. If you search “guided meditation” or “hypnosis” and “confidence,” you will find a wide variety. I hope this helps!

  • Leia

    you are a sensei

  • Newbie

    Hi Lori,
    I really love this. I’ve been stuck in myself for along…so long time. I always feel scared, insecurity..and so inconfident alot. Everyday i live but just living with the past…which time maked me feel good…
    And, up to now…about 7 years…I’ve done nothing….NOTHING…
    It’s so pity…If i read it soon!
    Thank you so much Lori…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I definitely know what it’s like to feel scared and insecure. I’m glad this helped!

  • YouAreLoved

    Thanks for this beautiful site and this beautiful post, as always, Lori!

    I wanted to let you know that the link you gave – to the research about pessimism being bad for success – is no longer working. And, as my partner doesn’t believe in positive thinking, I’d love to give him some research to back up my belief in positive affirmations, etc ;)

    I also wanted to share that I have become more confident over time by reading confidence affirmations (and others) about every day to myself over the last few months! This has been one of the most important developments of my life, and I HIGHLY recommend the use of confidence affirmations (or other kinds of affirmations, like self-esteem, self-love, self-belief, etc) to anyone looking to be more confident in themselves! There are a bunch of great ones at freeaffirmations dot org.

    I certainly still struggle with it sometimes, but saying great things to yourself about yourself every day over a substantial period of time can really help give you the base you need to be strong and confident and believe in yourself so that no one, even those closest to you, can make you feel like you aren’t good enough. YOU ARE good enough, you are perfect, and you just need to convince/remind yourself of that :-)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome, and thank you for letting me know about the link!

    That’s wonderful, that you’ve had luck with confidence affirmations. I’ve actually found hypnosis tracks with affirmations really helpful as well.

  • Tired

    Thanks Lori,
    I have been having a problem with one of my friends who I have been having a crush on for years and he started acting really rude to me and I couldn’t focus on anything anymore so I started having some crisis and I pray this steps really work out

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I hope this helps!

  • Amir

    Lori,
    Thank you for putting this article together. I felt what you said. I is very helpful.
    Thank you for sharing your knowledge,

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!

  • Alexa Simmons

    I couldn’t agree more with all of the points you made, brilliant article. The one that I have found particularly helpful in my experience is number 8 “Practice Confidence”

    I think it sounds strange to most people that you can practice confidence but it really does help a lot. Try to do something out of your comfort zone every day, even if it’s the smallest of things.

    After a while you begin to realize that people don’t analyze you as much as you think. Fear is all in the mind and it’s either created by memory or imagination. By conquering your fears it allows you to stop living in your mind and start living in the now.

    It’s all about baby steps, you can do it! :)

    Alexa – http://www.TheConfidenceTricks.com

  • SubZero

    Lori Deschene: awesome article, what you say makes so much sense. Its difficult for some people especially due to some life experiences but you right its so easy to believe people when they criticize, but we find it hard when they praise.

  • SubZero

    I’m going for an interview on Thursday and it doesn’t take a psychologist to know that I’m shy and not really that confident of a person

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • Isabel

    Hi Lori, I have always felt insecure about my dream to be a singer, though my close friends and family have heard me and said I was great. I want to do my school talent show to show my peers that I can have talent but the problem is I’m not sure if that talent is true. How would I overcome my fears of being dissed by the audience and gain my confidence to go up on the stage?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Isabel,

    I think it’s great that you’re trying to push yourself to do this thing that scares you! Perhaps it would help to ask yourself these questions:

    What’s the worst that could happen if I do this?
    What’s the best that could happen if I do this?
    What would happen if I didn’t do this?
    What wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do this?

    You may find that the possible benefits outweigh the risks, which will help you push through your fear.

    And one more thought: Even if people don’t think you’re American Idol-worthy, odds are they wouldn’t obviously dis you. So really, it comes down to whether or not you can handle the possibility that people may think you aren’t the world’s best singer. Which basically means: Are you going to allow yourself to fear what other think so much that it limits you from doing what you want to do?

    Incidentally, you may want to read this post:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/are-you-limited-by-the-fear-of-what-other-people-think/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • darwin

    I dont really know where to start but my confidence,s just not there with me. lastnight i went to the club and i felt like a fool emberrasing moments in my in tire life. i got rejected like all the people in club was just laughing. i had to walk home. Thank you for sharing this ms lori it hepls alot, my negative side is pulling me down in the heart beat, and i just wanna be me happy for the rest of my life, over come this fear i have in me.

  • http://growth.standoutcoaching.com/ Daniel

    I think that the biggest mistake we make is that we stay still. Being it because of fear, not knowing how to proceed or any other excuse, we wait.

    Action breeds action and more action brings more confidence. Never stay still!

    Two Things You Need to Know About Self-Confidence: http://www.standoutcoaching.com/project/self-confidence/

  • sherrie

    Hey I just have a question… I really want to get into music and my thing is, if i find my voice perfectly suited for me first would that be a better choice. I just want to go out knowing what I’m capable of doing; and i do, but i want to be sure that I go out there at my best, is that wrong? Should I try a different approach?

  • SmillingPanda

    In school I was bullied so bad my confidence was shattered into a million pieces and I never thought I could recover my confidence and be who I wanted again but this is inspirational to me and with time I’m now sure I can gain my confidence back. Thank you Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! As someone who was also bullied, I know how tough it is to regain your confidence and learn to value yourself. Glad this helped. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Sherrie,

    I’m not entirely sure what you mean. Do you mean you want to be sure you’re happy with your singing voice before you share it with others?

    Lori

  • anonymous

    im a 26 year old man with zero confidence. i cant connect with people and find it very difficult just to speak around people i dont know. every time i search online i get these kind of list, and i accept they probably work for some people, but not for me. i cant just think or read myself more happy or more confident. it dosent work that way. so im giving up. i will not be talking to people from now on, im moving out of the city to live alone, where i can at least feel like i could be normal. thanks for nothing all people ever

  • http://www.TrueSpiritualAwakening.com/ Steve Rice

    This is a great article. I found it recently as I’m writing an eBook on this subject. One of the insights that I have found in my search for greater confidence personally is that competence leads to confidence. When I lay out a plan and execute on that plan, I gain experience. As I hone my skills, I become more competent, and my confidence grows. Most of us want a short cut through the development stage. It’s strange how I never analyzed this pattern in my own behavior before now.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Indeed, we’re a short cut society. I have found the same thing to be true. The more I work at something, the more confident I feel. Thanks for sharing your insight! =)

  • Manjeet Goyat

    Hi Lori
    Thank you so much
    I just found it today and it helped a lot
    I am more confident now and there’s a thrill to achieve my dreams
    Dream Hope Live Enjoy

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped! =)

  • diya

    i’m stuck on something i don’t know about.. it’s making me feel very negative and stressed. i get angry on little things.. i was not like that before…

  • Avni

    Hi Lori,
    Its really great to read this….

  • Avni

    cn i ask something?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Sure, what’s that?

  • RACHIT GARG

    hi,
    i have lost my self confidence . i am sad very much for some months . i think every time that why am i so weak. i want to do something in my life but i feel unable to do anything . i am in trouble very much.i spread in pressure.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with, Rachit. Why have you lost your confidence, and why do you think you’re weak?

  • RACHIT GARG

    I had completed my graduation & i wanted to do job now i can get a good job. i have a good apportunity but now my mind has ruptured very much. i am not get to deciding what is good for me . every thing is scaring to me . i wanted to do something special. but now i am felling unable .i am very emotionally man. every man is trying to break me.

  • Superspyme

    Very good article! It’s very complete.
    I like to add, if you allow me, that you should never Forget
    What Drives you. Your motivation will fuel you thirst for success and thus boost your confidence.
    Good stuff!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it–and that’s a great addition!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I understand. I felt something similar after graduation. There was so much I wanted to do, but I felt lost and had no idea where to start.

    If I were to give advice to my younger self, it would be this:

    You don’t need to know right now what you’re going to do for the rest of your life. You don’t need to figure out how to be purposeful and successful right now.

    It’s a journey–and it’s like that for everyone. Take the pressure off yourself to have it all figured out. That doesn’t happen overnight just because you’re not in school anymore. It happens through time, as a result of trying different things, learning from your experiences, and developing confidence in yourself and your path as you grow.

    Incidentally, I didn’t start writing professionally until I was 27, and I didn’t start this site until I was 30. Of course, I know people who felt a sense of direction far sooner–but my point is: don’t be so hard on yourself! Everyone feels like you do when they’re in your shoes, and for all of us, it takes time.

    If you stop being hard on yourself, nothing will be able to break you.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • rucha

    wow!! this was a like a better perspective of looking at life. I loved it, especially all the quotes. Keep writing:)

  • Jambar Teambuilding

    Hi there, thanks for sharing your experience with us in this write up. I especially like the exercise that you mentioned to develop confidence and fulfilment which I find is very useful and helpful. This is a great post! Thank you!

    http://www.jambarteambuilding.com

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! =)

  • Bhumikk

    I need help cant take any decesions, cant concentrate at work, cant take care of my baby, have no hope, want to die, i have fear of lossing evrything, cant take decesions, have no patienece…please suggest…my mind is out of my control, i was not like this before, have fear of losing my home, husband, baby, work..need help, plesae suggest……….

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Bhumikk,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re dealing with classic symptoms of depression. Have you considered seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I saw both when I was dealing with depression, and it was life-saving.

    You are in my thoughts..

    Lori

  • Santi

    Thank you I enjoyed reading on how to gain the confidence that I deserve so I can be successful. Bless B onto you.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome–I’m glad you enjoyed it!

  • kiterunner581

    Simplifies life so well. My favorite piece.
    “People are more apt to see you how you want to be seen if they suspect you see yourself that way.”

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it was helpful to you! :)

  • james

    Hi Lori
    My name is James I’m 20 years old and I’m so sad it has been a long time for me staying at Home almost 2 years now. I’m so afraid to go out and meet new ppl so can u please help i Really need to change my life.
    Thanks

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi James,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. Why do you think you’re scared of meeting new people? Did something happen in your past that contributed to this?

    Lori

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    I truly admire your courage for speaking your feelings for this ‘boy’ in the first place! Most people would be flattered when someone express their feelings towards them regardless of gender; even if the feelings are not reciprocated…. Any real mature in his position would have shown the courtesy of letting you know that & letting you off in good terms. Like Lori said, hope you perspectives have changed since the last 3 years…its not easy, but just know there are so many of us who are in the same boat as you! :)

    By the way, from a guy’s perspective…you have no idea how many of us wish more girls/women would sometimes take the initiative and let us know how they feel; instead of all the subtlety…:P

  • Jeevan/Mirthu/Gupt

    Hey James…I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through….For what its worth, you are not alone. Like Lori said, do you know what may have contributed to the situation…? Even though I don’t know your story & don’t wanna make any random conclusions…from my own struggles with Bi-Polar Disorder & hearing stories about others who have/are going through it…it could be because of ‘social anxieties,’ and depression…. So, whatever it may be…it could be really helpful if you can find a good therapist that you feel comfortable to talk to & see how that goes; and try to take it one day at a time! Hope this was of some help.

  • richa

    RICHA
    YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB LORI…Keep writing ..it gives inspiration and motivation to many young aspirants like me. who are in the process of improving themselves…i am 24 now and i was a good singer, a good badmintton player could sketch well and was a good runner too during my school days…was not so good in my academics but was a very hardworker and could manage to score 70 to 75 pencent by sheer hardwork. but while in college i chose engineering and couldnt score well enough as mathematics being toughest subject for me and end up scoring a second class degree…now its getting tough for mee to find a right job…from last three year i am jobless….my self confidence has now reached to null..now its like i couldnt even say a single sentence whithout making any mistake…i want to say something and end up saying something else..i found shortage of words while speaking…which is why i started avoiding making friends though i like it…somtimes it happens that i started doubting myself about the kind of person i am i had almost lost faith in me , my hardwork…at present i am preparing for various competetive exams had also appeared many of them but couldnt succeed…yet i am preparing with the hope of success someday…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Richa. I’m so sorry to hear about the trouble you’ve had finding work. It can be so difficult when you’ve lost your confidence. Preparing with the hope of success sounds like a great way to increase your odds of success! I hope all goes well with the exams. I’ll be thinking of you!

  • kavin paker

    One of the things that I learned and you put it so eloquently is that
    jealousy is a way for you to know what you want, and to do something
    positive and productive about it.
    Hotelzimmer
    Rosenheim

  • xmen

    Hi lori. I am a new comer and I recently found out this site. I am a guy but I’m having trouble talking to a girl I like. I always get nervous and the girl I like is telling me to relax and not be so nervous. She was apparently upset that I don’t talk to her even when we are in the same class. It’s only because I’m so nervous and some times I think she understands but deep down I think she’s a bit upset that I don’t talk. I have problems speaking with a lot of people and I don’t have many friends. Can you suggest something? Thanks!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    Welcome to the site! I can understand the nerves, as I’ve been there before.

    I have a suggestion that may sound kind of bizarre, but it works well. When you see this girl, whatever you’re thinking in your head, think it in a silly voice, like Bugs Bunny or some other cartoon character. This will take the weight off those thoughts, and will make it a lot easier to loosen up. It’s called “The Silly Voice Technique” and it’s from Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap.

    It may also help to practice deep breathing whenever you see her to help ground and calm yourself.

    You may want to share your story in the Tiny Buddha forums, as well, to get insight and advice from the whole community. It’s a really loving, supportive space!

    It’s free to join here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/register

    Then you can access the forums here:

    http://tinybuddha.com/forums

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • littlemisslost

    Hi Lori, I have come to the realisation that I am totally lost, I knew exactly who I was going back five years but recently had some knocks (mainly mistakes made by me and seculated by everybody!), I am surrounded by my partners negative family who all hate me, I just finished my degree last year and should be the happy confident person I have always been but right now I feel traped in limbo and don’t know if I will ever find my self or my confidence again, what can you advise? I have never felt this way before in my life and its just getting worse.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I know how tough it can be to regain your confidence when you’ve lost it. Perhaps it would help to make a list of things that have helped your confidence in the past, whether that means taking a tiny step toward a new goal, facing a fear, or acting with integrity. Then you could try to do one of these kinds of things per day, no matter how small.

    I know for me, when I take tiny, consistent steps, it helps me feel much more confident in myself.

    Aside from that, would you be open to having a conversation with your partner’s family members to get to the root of what’s going on there? Having their support would help a great deal. And if they’re not able to offer it, then perhaps you could spend less time around them. Regardless of your mistakes, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly.

    I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts…

    Lori

  • little miss lost

    Hi Lori, thanks for getting back to me, your advice is invaluable, you are right, I think I am stuck at the moment and need to get moving forward again in order to begin re regain my confidence, I will start to formulate plans which will help me to take the necessary steps forward.

    As far as my partners family go, they have been the same for ten years and don’t listen to anybody but themselves unfortunately, so I think I may just withdraw from them myself so I am not caught up in their negative cycle that brings me down “(

    thank you for your kind words, I think I just needed a little direction and I have that now, I know what I need to do to get myself back to being me again, thank you again “)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m sorry to hear about your partner’s family. Creating some space sounds like a wise plan!

    Sending good thoughts your way…

    Lori

  • SH

    I’m humbled by some of the responses here. I too have issues with confidence that happened over the past year when I went through an awful break up with my fiance and then met someone whom I dated and was really emotionally abusive towards me. After that I feel like my confidence just collapsed and now I am completely single I am trying to build it up one step at a time. I really want to start a business and do something with my life I just have a lot of doubts about my capabilities. Thanks for the article it is helpful but I think it will take time because right now I feel I am a world away.

  • Dr. Benway

    I know the feeling. I wish I had better advice but my experience has taught me that the longer you stay secluded the more afraid you become.

  • jn233

    I would like to ask, is there more people like me that have this constant nervous feeling daily, especially when there is an activity where you feel not convident about your own performance around people? Today i felt really inconfident in a course about building strong relationships with business partners. I noticed i did not trust myself for being smart enough to know things and say my opinion out loud. It makes me nervous and i find it hard to loose this feeling again. I also have it with personal things, lately i am nervous 24/7 and also don’t sleep from it. I cannot specify why or what makes me go on being nervous. It makes me really tired both emotionally and physically. I try yoga and meditation but still this didn’t made it go away. I hope somebody has a good advice.

  • Suchi

    This is a totally mood changing article …I am bookmarking it :) . Thanks Lori , very well written !!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!