“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer
“You’re too quiet.”
This comment and others like it have plagued me almost all my life. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told that I needed to come out of my shell, to be livelier, or to talk more.
As a child and teenager, I allowed these remarks to hurt me deeply. I was already shy, but I became even more self-conscious as I was constantly aware of people waiting for me to speak.
When I did, the response was often, “Wow! Louise said something!”
This would make me just want to crawl back into my shell and hide. I became more and more reserved.
The older I got, the angrier I became. Each time someone told me I was “too quiet,” I wondered what exactly they were hoping to achieve anyway. Did they imagine I had a magic button I could press that would turn me into Miss Showbiz?
If only it were that simple, I thought. I felt I should be accepted as I was, but apparently that wasn’t going to happen. There was only one thing for it; I would have to become the extrovert the world wanted me to be, but how?
At seventeen, I thought I’d found the perfect solution: alcohol.
When I was drunk, everyone seemed to like me. I was fun and outgoing; able to talk to anyone with no problems at all. However, it began to depress me that I needed a drink to do this or for anyone to like me.
Another strategy was to attach myself to a more outgoing friend. I did this at school, university, and later when I began to travel a lot in my twenties.
Although I didn’t do it consciously, wherever I went I would make friends with someone much louder than me. Then I’d become their little sidekick, going everywhere with them, trying to fit in with all their friends, and even adopting aspects of their personality.
Sometimes I just tried faking it.
When I was twenty-four, I began teaching English as a Foreign Language, and a month into my first contract in Japan, I was told my students found me difficult to talk to. I was upset because I thought I had made an effort to be friendly and I didn’t understand what else I could do.
After crying all night because once again I wasn’t good enough, I went into work the next day determined to be really lively and talkative. Of course, it didn’t work because everyone could see I was being false.
It seemed that I was doomed. I would never be accepted. Being a naturally loud person was the only way to be liked.
Or maybe not.
Over the years, I’ve spoken to several talkative, extroverted people who’ve been told they’re too loud or that they talk too much. It seems whatever personality you’ve got you’re always going to be “too much” of something for someone.
What really matters is: do you think you need to change?
My shyness has made some areas of my life more difficult. It’s something I’ve been working on all my life and I always will be in order to do all the things I want to do.
However, I’ve realized I’m always going to be an introvert, which is not the same thing.
I enjoy going out and socializing, but I also enjoy being alone. At work I talk to people all day, every day. I like my job, but as an introvert, I get tired after all that interaction, so later I need some quiet time to “recharge my batteries.”
I can overcome my shyness. I can’t overcome my introversion, but actually, I wouldn’t want to because I’m happy being this way.
Be kind to yourself if you decide to change.
While I’m still shy, I no longer worry about it. When speaking to new people, if something comes out wrong or I get my words mixed up, I just laugh to myself about my nervousness rather than telling myself how weird the other person must’ve thought I was.
In the past I was terrified of any form of public speaking. Now my job is getting up in front of people and talking. After a rocky start in Japan, my students now see me as funny (sometimes!) and confident.
So I think I’m doing alright. No, I don’t understand why I can’t just be like that with everyone, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do.
Don’t be afraid to lose false friends.
When you’re always being told you’re too much of this or not enough of that, it’s easy to start thinking you have to be grateful that anyone is willing to spend time with you.
I used to put up with friends who treated me badly because I thought if I stood up for myself, I’d lose their friendship and I’d end up all alone.
Eventually, in my last year teaching abroad, I did stand up for myself and my worst fear came true. I was left completely friendless.
And you know what? It was okay. The time alone taught me to enjoy my own company, and gave me the chance to learn more about myself. This has gradually led to me attracting more positive people into my life.
Could your supposed weakness actually be your strength?
I’m a good listener, so friends feel able to talk to me if they have a problem and they know I’m not going to tell anyone.
I’m an efficient worker because I just get on with the job. I can empathize with shy students in my class. I don’t force them to speak but leave them alone, knowing that they’ll talk when they feel more comfortable.
There’s a reason why you were made the way you are. If we were all supposed to be the same, we would be.
I’ve stopped trying to make everyone like me and I’ve stopped trying to be something I’m not. As a result, any changes in my character happen naturally as my confidence continues to grow.
The “quiet” comments are also now few and far between. When you learn to accept yourself, you’re likely to find that others will accept you too.
But if they don’t, it really doesn’t matter.
About Louise Watson
Louise Watson is a writer and meditation teacher living in Hampshire, UK.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Very nice read.
Thank you!
my story is kinda same..i am tired of being misunderstood my whole life..not even my mom understands me well..when i try to be calm and detached, people think me having too much attitude,,, when i try to talk and be friendly ..i am branded as wishy-washy.As a female, if i try to express my opinion , then i am branded as arrogant.I am like tired of being tagged all the time.Now I feel detached to everyone.I like being alone and I hardly feel the need of people.Staying alone has made me much stronger and wiser than I used to be.Most of the friends people have are false, after all everyone is selfish.I have never tried to harm anyone, but people always tried to harm me, imposing their jealousies and hatred on me.It really makes me upset sometimes thinking human race is so stupid, shallow and evil.
I feel the same way. No matter what I do or say, someone’s bound to make a comment. I try not to let it get to me. When I started focusing on myself, I was able to drop the false friends and enjoy the company of quality friends. Occasionally, I spend time alone. I appreciate the time I get alone because I’m able to do what I want to do and make new friends. There’s a handful amount of people with ugly personalities. I avoid them when I can. If I can’t, I brush it off because they’re not worth my time.
Idk sometimes I resent my quietness. When I am in a talkative and bubbly mood, I’m often labeled as weird. There are times where I just enjoy a certain environment or atmosphere and I’m just the life of the interaction, but those cases are rare. I am mostly a quiet soul and speak when necessary. Another thing to add is that I’m pretty cool around those I’ve known for a while, like my good friends. If this described you a bit I would love a re comment.
I agree with most of what you said, the thing about the human race being this way is a bit of a leap. Not all people are selfish to the core. However, we all have selfish tendencies.
That doesn’t mean at the drop of a hat I won’t help someone or put them above me. That’s just me though. Sometimes we see others as our enemy, often times we are fooling ourselves.
Loved your comments btw
hey thanks
I think you are also an introvert just like me. But thats not something which should stop from living life. Over the past two years, I have felt that being detached is the best thing we can do to ourselves. Enjoy every moment, savor companionship , help others but dont expect anything from anyone. I think I am evolving.
I like everybody’s comments about introversion. I am an introvert and I only speak when necessary. I only speak to my good friends who have good core values. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feel that ppl tend to project their problems and issues on me just because I don’t say much. It speaks more about the way they think, not about me.
agree, i hate humans and their stupid jealous human ways. I wanna move to jupiter and befriend an alien or 2
My exact experience. I hear ya.
I have a son who is just like you and we are constantly fussing at him to speak more. I guess my first instinct as his mother is to worry that he may be depressed. I’ve always taken up for him by saying that at least when he does speak it’s always something clever. He doesn’t feel the need to speak and fill the air with nonsense. After reading your article I will try to have even more compassion for him.
Check out the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. Might be worth a read to better understand your son.
Thanks for reading and I’m glad it’s had a positive effect. In addition to the “Quiet” book Phil mentioned you could also look at “The Introvert’s Way” by Sophia Dembling, which is really good.
Don’t talk about depression lightly, that’s not cool. If you’re not a licensed practitioner don’t go around and think it’s depression, it has a very specific clinical diagnosis. There’s a variety of reasons why someone doesn’t talk much, which have nothing to do with depression.
It’s not about having compassion for someone else, it’s about what is not being said when someone speaks. Too many people can’t read in-between the lines and understand that some aren’t interested in small talk, shut down when it occurs from an external source, such as yourself or someone else.
It’s very hard to accept yourself when society pressures you to be like everyone else. Even with me, It’s hard enough to be accepted when people don’t accept you for who you are
However, if you’re being like everyone else, they’re nothing in the process. Do you really want to go down the road of self-destruction? I wager to guess the answer is, “No!”.
I can so relate to your post Louise. All of my life I had thought I was shy and then discovered really I was an introvert, this understanding helped answer a lot of questions I had. I prefer to sit and read or contemplate, I prefer the company of one other person rather than a crowd.
Knowing yourself certainly makes life more simple and you gain confidence in yourself as a result. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, I am sure you will be successful…
Thanks, Joan!
Thankyou..I have heard the the same comment..too quiet..my whole life..and I’m 61…
also became a teacher for 30 years to face it and try to overcome it..now retired I
still get the comments and just accept it..appreciate your words..
Thank you for your post! I also struggled with this when I was a kid and teen and now it doesn’t bother me so much — I’ve just accepted that I communicate when I’m comfortable with those around me, and that doesn’t happen right away as it seems to for others. We’re out there and we can certainly lead successful, content lives!
I can relate to this post a lot, as a fellow introvert/quiet person. I do like socializing and all, but it can make me tired sometimes and I need my alone time. Growing up, I felt wrong in ways. I always had people asking me why I was so quiet, shocked when I spoke etc. I also had some people try to convince me I had a problem and needed to see a doctor about it, as if it was a disease I needed to cure. I’m fine with my quiet self though, even if I still get those kind of comments sometimes.
I really like the article! I feel like I have just the same personality as you!
Louise, you might enjoy reading the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. It’s about being an introvert in a world where extroverts are highly valued. I am an introvert and this book helped me a lot.
Hi Suzanne, yeah i’ve read that book, it also helped me after the last ‘quiet’ comment I got. If you haven’t read it already, i’d also recommend Sophia Dembling’s ‘The Introverts way’.
I just had a break up with my boyfriend he was very verbally abusive and threatened to leave in the relationship, he always made me feel I wasn’t good enough or I would be in pain if I’d loose him. He kept making me feel insecure about myself and kept threatening me . Pls suggest what is the right thing to do ??? He has threatened to leave me in this relationship??
let him go, dear heart !- you are able to be on your own, whether he wants you to think so or not. Love doesn’t threaten or abuse…
Run as far away as you can from this “man”. I too was in your shoes. It took me a long time (too long) to realize what he was doing – he was controlling me. I starts off with them lowering your self esteem until your virtually wipped. Then they start to control you, it got worse as time when on – my hair, my clothes, food, sex, etc. I finally realized what was happening and ran for the hills. Now that I’ve had time to reflect I realize just how bad it was, how he manipulated me. I’m an educated women with a high-level job and thought I knew better. I didn’t. I was so blind. Don’t ‘let him leave’ – kick his abusive ass to the street! Please, you must do this for yourself.
Thanks for your article. I still get, the you are “too quiet” phrase. I am working on accepting myself and loving the way I am.
I wish people would understand this basic fact: if you nag and badger at someone to be different than they are, the effect will be the exact opposite of what you want. They won’t want to be around you, they won’t see you as supportive, they’ll resent it (and you), and they’ll feel badly about themselves. Seriously.
I’ve always had people tell me this, too, and i had the same experience as you did: I just decided I was too flawed to exist. I don’t understand why anyone thinks they have the right to tell someone to be different than they are.
If people are telling you to be different, it’s because how you are makes them uncomfortable and they’re too immature to realize it’s their issue, not yours.
Agree on all counts
THANK YOU, AMEN!
PREACH
I totally agree with all the things you say. Though outwardly I am fairly well communicator but inside I find it really hard to “connect” with anybody. Almost everybody around me seems to be so shallow and their lack of sincerity pisses me off like anything. As a result, I am left with no friend! I enjoy being by myself. Still at times all the hullabaloo on social media and also physical gatherings leaves me thinking “do I have a problem?”. Though deep down I know, I don’t. Still sometimes it worries me.
That is me to a T. damn..what a trip.
This is exactly me. Wow!
I couldn’t say it better. I am accused of ‘throwing people away’ yet it really is just they who don’t accept me as I am, so I avoid them.
Kudos to you from a card carrying introvert who spent a lot of years trying to be an extrovert!
I’m curious as to a female perspective on this. I was recently in a relationship that ended because my gf perceived that because of my introversion, it meant that I didn’t care and therefore did not feel enough of an emotional connection to me. In general, I believe women tend to grow closer through communication, whereas men prefer to do activities together. Am I doomed?
I don’t think you’re doomed at all but I do think introversion can make people
think we don’t care sometimes. I have this problem too so I don’t think it’s
just a man/woman thing. I guess it’s a matter of learning to communicate how we
feel without trying to be something we’re not.
Thanks. This is particularly difficult for me because as a guy, shyness = weakness = lack of masculinity. Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I can see that it must be more difficult for men in some ways. I remember spreaking to a male friend at university who said the same thing.
Im a guy and i can relate with you,, it’s much harder since the society expected men to be more expressive than women..
I like what you said about the difference between shyness and introversion. I have made great strides in overcoming my shyness, however I will always be an introvert. I don’t see that as a bad thing at all anymore. The introverts of the world are the artists and the deep thinkers. I think of Carl Jung, who I think invented the term “introvert”. It can be a bit lonely though, because I want to share my thoughts with others but it is hard to find anyone who is interested in discussing dream interpretation, psychology, and alternative spirituality. So people think I am a bit weird, but that is okay by me. I come by my weirdness honestly, this is how God made me! Besides who gets to define weirdness anyway!
I feel exactly the same about it being lonely. I have deep interests in same subjects but I can see peoples eyes glaze over if I even begin talking about anything like that…..and they’d rather gossip or make small talk about things no one really cares about….difficult to make new friends because I have no interest or know how to make small talk.
I think all those subjects are fascinating. Funny, I wrote something about small talk just yesterday, I know what you mean, its so dull!
I gotta say, I found this post a the opportune time! I’m a shy introvert, been all my life! My mom always brings up how my teachers in first grade used to ask her what was wrong with me and if there was any conflict in the house!
I don’t think I can participate in any conversation because I don’t find any challenging or intellectual enough for me! It’s always gossip, complain, what someone ate, where they travelled or what they’re building! I can’t be in crowded places! @tikkarox, I know exactly that look of eyes glazing! I get that all the time and one of the reasons I stay quiet.
@louisewatson I’ve been told and still get comments about my “quietness”! I now respond by saying “amongst talkers there needs to be listeners”! LOL
I totally get you about the drinking and feeling like yourself! I’ve done that when I was much younger!
My issue is I don’t have ANY friends! I’m alone and feel lonely most of the time! I enjoy being by myself but I wish I had one friend with whom I can have a normal, decent, good, interesting conversation with! And laughter! I’ve heard of Susan Cain and I believe I’ve seen her Ted Talk about introverts! I’ll look into her book to read next!
I’m 32 male i would not say that i’m shy but i just dont like to be in too many people, i’m very fit very much take care of myself even in gym people stare at me bcoz i dont talk, what is wrong with the society i’m who i am, i dont like going to clubs or any crowded places they just scare the s**t oit of me, i like watchinv movies, comedy dramas, reading novels, exploring web. I think this is my personality and i cant cgange myself for the sake of impressing others
Hi, TakkaRox! I, too have deep interests in certain subjects, and when I either talk about it to real people, or write about them online, people either make it clear they’re not interested, or they make fun of me. Small talk is something I’ve never cared for, and I’m willing to tolerate a limited amount of gossip. Yet, at the same time, I’ve found some people who are accepting of the fact that I have some unusual interests that I like to write about and talk about a great deal, so it’s not so bad, really.
Sometimes people make comments about you because it’s a reflection of themselves as well, definitely, like if they are insecure about a particular thing. If I am insecure about something, I check out other people to compare myself to them. However, if I notice that compared to them I look good, I would not say this out loud. I would not tell someone, you talk too much, or you have bushy eyebrows. I wouldn’t comment because I’m sensitive to their feelings and the fact that I could make THEM feel insecure. If I thought I looked bad compared to them, I would just feel bad. Usually on either account I just stop envying other people or comparing myself to them. It feels like I just drop a weight off my shoulders. I’ve learnt to recognize my unhelpful thoughts and to change them. But I have a friend who appears insensitive, that is how I first labelled her, but now I realize she is one of the most insecure people I have ever known. She constantly negates things, for example our other friend’s make over (my other friend is insecure about her body image and appearance and was delighted by her new make up) when she said, it’s a bit smudged but at least it covers up that pimple. My other friend and I were quite shocked at her comment. Even worse, she took it to heart and it spoiled the moment. There have been many more incidents that have made me look at my insecure friend and think, it must be awful having your thought pattern and process, as she is constantly negative. That’s not healthy. When she makes those comments, I know it’s because she negate things, also when she makes those insensitive comments, it’s because she’s constantly comparing herself to everyone else – and that would make anyone feel worse and more insecure about themselves, so I guess she says personal comments to make herself feel better. She may do this subconsciously, feeling a need to point out the flaws to make herself feel better, but she knows that she is insensitive, and yet she doesn’t try to change or doesn’t realise she NEEDS to. I clash with her a little, because I am sensitive. Sometimes if I question why I am friends with her, I say to myself, sometimes the people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. Maybe she’ll thank me for sticking by her one day. If she makes more insensitive commens, that’s HER problem. But it becomes MY problem if I let it get to me. So in the future I will remind myself of this article 🙂 It’s also useful in other situations, such as… well, life in general. We all have to get along somehow, and if some people can’t sort out their problems, I’m not going to let that become mine.
Also, I am a skinny, blonde, English-Australian pale, 16 year old girl, so you can imagine the stereotypes and the comments I get because of them! Again this is a reflection of the other person, specifically their attitudes and values. What people say says more about them than it does about me. I have a quote I’d like to share, came up with it myself but I was inspired by “real friends like you for you”.
It’s more to do with appearance, but I guess it can be about not changing yourself because you are considered flawed by someone else’s standards:
“If people like you for you, then they will like you no matter what you look like, because you’re you, and that’s what they like about you.”
Hi Kira… I’m surprised yo uget negative comments for that. To me you sound beautiful.
Having beauty should make it easier to talk to people without them thinking “ugh, who is this weirdo?” even if you’re not naturally outgoing.
I have always been filled with self loathing because I am not the most extroverted person in the room. I will accept it the day I can accept that I will be living under a bridge because no one will hire me. Seriously, what’s to like? If all the jobs for people who hate people have left the country, then there is really no point in trying anymore.
I applied for a job in which I had all the surface qualifications but I wasn’t a good “fit” (translation, I would not have fit in with the Millennials at the office even though none of them had any idea what the job was. I am still trying to figure out why they were advertising for an Acquisitions Librarian when what they really want is someone who can play Ping Pong and go drink beers with them).
But this is become my life. I have been applying for jobs for over 10 years and NOTHING!! I don’t even think I make any terrible blunders in the interview. It’s just that I am not happy and peppy and bursting with love at the mention of their wonderful “culture.”
PS, I hate to say this, but when someone who is obviously a foreigner is judging me on being a culture fit in my own country, I cannot help but resent it.
Just wanted to say thank you for you article. I’m also an introverted (and often shy) EFL teacher. I nearly didn’t become a teacher because I thought I was ‘too quiet’. Then in my 30s I realised it is better to be happy being myself than unhappy trying to fit in with others’ expectations. It’s so nice to read your positive thoughts. Good luck with your writing.
Thank you!
Wow, someone that’s actually like me. I’m also introverted by nature. Like you, I’ve developed myself to the stage where I am sociable without being an extrovert. But I’ll never be the life of the party and I don’t want to be the life of the party. Growing up, it was a struggle because I was the only introvert among my siblings and like you, I got the ”you’re so quiet” all the time. I still do. In a world that doesn’t really understand introverts, people cannot understand that as introverts, we really do derive strength from our own company. They automatically assume that you’re miserable and lacking in excitement. The truth is that to an introvert, recharging the batteries in peace and quiet is exciting. Being the life of the party is draining. Introversion is not the same as being a depressed loner. Both introversion and extroversion have their pros and cons and must be adapted, but there is a place for all of us in this world. As you said, I have learnt to accept myself. Thanks for this great post.
Yeah, agree with what you said. We introverts don’t need to be the same as others around to be happy. Indeed, when I was younger, I was under pressure to be like others. I thought “why I am not the same as others?”. But now, I feel better and I realize I don’t need to be like them.
I found the book “Quiet” to be an excellent source of information and support for us introverts. It is really worth the read and reminds us of the significant contributions introverts have made to our world.
hi i’m a very quiet female as well, when I go out or in a relationship with someone they all way say i’m quiet an when I do say something it either come out my mouth wrong or when I do speak it seem like nobody listen to what i’m saying or it make them mad.
Excellent post…and speaking as a fellow introvert…I have also experienced much of what you describe. I remember taking a quiz at school after the teacher described the difference between introverts and extroverts…and “cheating” on the answers because she made introvert sound so awful…I knew it would be failing the test to be an introvert. Yes, self acceptance is key. For kids we (introverts) need to be vocal and “out there”…so a natural way of being does not engender shame and low self-esteem as it has for so many of us.
Another great book abour being a quiet person is ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron. It explains that being a senstive person/quiet/introvert is a positive trait to have. After reading this book I feel more confident in my ‘quiet’ personality and see the benefits I, and others like me, have.
As someone who speaks more, I can appreciate this article, Louise 🙂 And will keep this in mind when speaking to friends who are not as outgoing or talkative. They probably don’t appreciate the teasing and more than likely, hear it from a lot of people in their lives.
Your bigger points of being who you are and not apologizing about that is sound advice for anyone and everyone. We are each unique individuals and don’t have to conform for the sake of others. We should change because we want to and not because others want us too. As you point out, our weaknesses can really be our strengths and help us maintain our uniqueness in the world.
I think I’m a little more vocal and rebellious than others in my family. Now, I do work that helps the marginalized members of our society. And do work that requires me to stand up for those who are regularly taken advantage of, who have limited rights or no voice. I can advocate for them b/c of a strength my family regularly believed was a weakness:)
I’m so glad that has come across- I really wanted this post to be more inclusive but it went down the introvert road as that was my story.
Thank you for putting yourself out there by writing this article. You have helped others, and me, by doing so. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for saying that. That’s what I wanted to do
Louise,
Firstly, great post!
What did catch my attention was when you stated you began ‘teaching English as a foreign language’ This is because I am currently studying to qualify in TEFL and applying for jobs over in Asia.
The next similarity was a little more scary, I noticed that you live in Bournemouth, so do I! I presumed a lot of readers and authors on this site were from the other side of the world so it was crazy to think this was written by someone so close, I live in Winton just outside of the main town.
Anyway I would love to talk to you more about your TEFL experience, if you are willing to help then you can reach me on adamfmaton@gmail.com
Thanks again
Adam
Wow, yes I can relate. All my life I’ve been told there’s something wrong with me and so in the end I believed it! “Your quiet” “Why don’t you talk much?” “Your weird” I find it rather difficult to find acceptance from others. Hopefully one day I can reach a place where other peoples opinions won’t effect me as much
Thank you, Louise. Such a helpful article once again reminding me that I’m not alone in worrying what other people think, and that it’s a waste of good energy. All best wishes, Kate.
Great article. I know how you feel. I grew up shy and no one can tell that I was shy growing up because I’ve learned to accept myself as I am, quietness included, which seemed to help others accept me as I am too. Thank you for sharing!
Wow. Did I need to read this today. Thank you for slipping into my mind, and exposing a little of my inner world. It made me feel a lot less alone in the sense that someone knows exactly what I’m going through!
Completely relate to this article! In fact, I once wrote a blog that started off very similarly, if that tells you how much I relate. As a child, I was very shy and quiet. Other kids made fun of me, even teachers made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable. I also drank when I was younger to come out of my shell….and now I have the opposite problem because people find me TOO outspoken, TOO talkative etc. I always feel like I am TOO much of something. But the advantages (like with this author) is that I now am able to better communicate with people who have trouble. I live in a city (and work with) a great deal of immigrants who are still learning English. I have so much compassion for them when they struggle with words and try to make them feel the comforts that often missed out on when I was younger and struggled with my shyness. This is more important to me than being accepted by people who judge me. There are definitely a lot of days that I feel I have ruined my chances of potential friendships because of the fact that I am very direct, blunt and not shy to express myself but at the same time, I don’t want people in my life if they can’t accept me for who I am. So loved this article! Great job.
Today I came to the realization that accepting myself as an introvert was the best decision I’ve made. For a large chunk of my life I have been badgered for being quiet. Today I was told by a classmate that I was “serious.” It was my first time talking to this person. Instead of getting defensive, I thought about it and thought to myself, well if that’s the worst thing she can say about me then that’s OK with me. Plus, what other people think about me is none of my business. I relish in being an introvert because I can see how that is one of my strengths. For one, I do not need very much social interaction to be happy. In fact, I don’t need much to be content. I enjoy my own company and have a handful of true friends that I can count on at any time. I also consider myself a great confidant, a great secret keeper and a person with many interests. Just because I do not divulge my opinions at everyone’s face does not make me any less normal. I feel the same emotions as extroverts do but I express it in a different way. Furthermore, being an introvert has not stopped me from achieving goals in life. I found a good partner who married me and loves me for me, I have a loving family, I live in a nice home, own a great pet and I am doing what I love for a living. What anyone else thinks of me is not that important anymore.
Louise,
I loved reading this post. I like the way you have accepted yourself and found your own happiness. Good for you! I struggle with the same thing. I was in a workplace where I had no one to talk to because everyone was charismatic and outgoing. I am introverted most of the time, and I tried to change that to acquire friends. Now I’m back to just accepting myself as the quiet guy. I want to grow and be happy, but I guess a leopard doesn’t change his spots. Thank you for sharing your story.
I was very introverted as a kid, but as I grew older, I found I enjoyed being social and talking to people more. Now, I just don’t give a shit. Nobody seems to respond to my input, so I just stopped talking unless absolutely necessary. I’m alone most of the day so it’s easy to just keep quiet.
this has touched me .. I am someone who I battling to accept my self… and to fit in with others ..its my first year at university and most of my time I find my self crying because of how other people see me and how they treat me…but now I am trying by all means to accept my self just the way I am… coz no o ne can change that
Hi Shelley. Sorry to hear you’ve been having a hard time at uni. I spent most of my first year drunk to get over my shyness -it sounds as though you’re doing better than me in the sense that you’re just accepting yourself rather than trying to change. Things will get easier and remember what others perceive as your weakness will turn out to be your strength. I’ve found as I’ve got older that fitting in is overrated, and I don’t think many people really feel that they belong anyway; that’s why they want so hard to fit in and criticise those that seem different.
Everyone has innate ways of going about life. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Carol Tuttle, but she’s got a book called “It’s Just My Nature” which is absolutely fabulous. By learning about those core movements & energies I have learned to accept my natural disposition, love it, embrace it, and learn from it. I have also learned to appreciate how other people operate & come to love their perspective and way of doing things. I think you’d be particularly interested in what is called “Type 4” energy. 🙂
I still get told I talk too much, but hey, it is my favorite thing to do & it works well for me (Type 1 energy). Growing up though, I was very shy & didn’t speak up for myself at all. We all have struggles with “not enough” (scarcity) mentality and feelings of worthiness in regards to love. I’m glad you are finding your authentic self & embracing it.
Thank you for this article. I relate to this so much. I have always been shy and introverted and I also have a speech disorder and stuttered worse as a child so I was often very quiet then because it was just easier to not talk.
The little things that people used to say to me when I was younger used to cut deep. My least favourite quote that I have heard quite often and not always directed at me is “coming out of their shell”. It has such a negative tone to it. It’s been a long and slow process accepting myself for who I am and I am now 28 and in the last few years have been the easiest and I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders in the process.
I read your article and have an almost identical experience. I still drink to “fit in” which has only gotten me a bad reputation for drinking. I really don’t think people understand how hurtful it is to be told that you don’t talk enough or that you’re too quiet, I’ve heard it thousands of times and it has never made me talk more, it doesn’t accomplish anything. It only ever made me dislike myself. I’m at the point where I’m realising it is other people’s problems and insecurities and not mine. I’m cutting out people from my life who dont accept me, I really want to move on with my life and be seen as a person not a quiet person. Id rather have no friends then friends who want me to live up to their expectations.
I really want to thank you for sharing your experience, it has reconfirmed that there is nothing wrong with me as people have made me believe.
Hi May, glad this has helped you. It’s true, people don’t understand how hurtful it is to be constantly told you’re too quiet, but I suppose that’s what we have to remember; that they don’t realise. I was talking about this the other day with a couple of other members on a more recent post on the same subject – maybe you saw it. It was pointed out to me that often these people think they’re being helpful and don’t understand how they can be making it worse – although that seems obvious to us. I’ve found it helped me to tell people that actually they weren’t helping.
This is the reason why I don’t bother making friends anymore. Some of those who make the exception makes me regret my decision of trying to befriend them not long after.
Hi Elsie. I don’t think you need to stop bothering making friends, but I have found that it has helped not to be too eager either. Once I stopped worrying too much about having friends and trying to please people I found that eventually some decent friends came my way.
Great write up
Thank you!
Thank you for posting this Louise. I’m not shy just quiet and have had the comments all my life, including the “your so quiet” and “wow sandy spoke shock horror” Sorry, but i’m not going to talk/gossip about anything just to make a noise. Nice to see that with all the comments i’m not the only one x
Hi Sandy. No, you’re not the only one. For years and years I thought it was just me but I’ve discovered over the past year or so that that there are many of us quiet ones who’ve had to put up with these comments. I know what you mean about not wanting to talk just for the sake of it, I’ve never understood why people think it’s compulsory to talk even if they’re not saying anything interesting or even with any point to it. If it makes them feel better to talk, great, but it doesn’t mean we all have to. Glad you liked the post and thanks for commenting.
Isn’t weird how some people are badgered for being too quiet and others like myself–for often being too intense, laughing and/or talking too much. I understand that each group has its own dynamics and you have to adapt to them or leave it. But if a group doesn’t accept, and even enjoy people’s differences and even eccentricities–then it means that everyone has to fit themselves into some kind of fake “average” behaviour– and it means you’re not really dealing with who they really are. What’s the point of that unless you’re trying to maintain a fake public persona and run for politics? It finally hit me that the people I was worried about being too intense with (or saying the “wrong” thing to–because they have a different way of talking and communicating)—didn’t really interest me. And that part of my intensity was me overcompensating so that my lack of interest in them wasn’t obvious. Maybe you often didn’t have anything to say—because you didn’t really find the conversation, or the people that interesting in your heart of hearts. And maybe alcohol was a way to make things more interesting? Just some ideas from the experiences of an extrovert…
I am actually just a quiet person, I often don’t feel the need to speak. At other times, I feel shy around people I don’t know very well, especially in situations that are new to me or I don’t feel confident around. Yes there were/are times when I just found the other person boring and had nothing to say back, but I think that’s probably the same for most people. Alcohol was an attempt to become more outgoing, an attempt to make me more interesting because I thought it’s what I had to do.
Hey Louise! Everything you wrote in that article was very true. The problem is that I don’t know if I am an introvert or a shy extrovert. I sometimes enjoy being alone and other times I get bored and long to interact to people outside my group of friends but find it hard because I’m afraid of being judged or rejected. That’s why I mostly only have a handful of friends, people I feel totally comfortable with and act myself around. But I don’t want to be that person, I want to be the person who could talk to anyone and everyone but still maintains her group of friends. I feel it would be more fun to talk to different and more people than the same people everyday. Should I go after changing that aspect of myself or should I accept myself the way I am? It is really confusing as different people tell you different things.
Hi Sandy. Since writing this article I’ve become less concerned about labels and I’m not sure you have to worry too much about whether you’re and introvert or whatever. I think most people are probably somewhere in between. I think whether you should change just depends on whether you actually want to. My problem was that I was always trying too change for other people, which is why it never worked.
Do you realize that being shy isn’t the same as an introvert?
Yes, I say that in the article, but I happen to be both.
That was my comment -not sure why I came up as ‘guest’!
sigh. this is exactly how i’m feeling..
I too always have the same comments and experiences and was always trying hard to change myself. I am always been criticized for this by my husband too and that hurts every time and makes me feel very low though I have interests in many other activities and have lots of potential to do many things. I always kept thinking why is speaking up such a concern when actually we have nothing to say. Your post made me feel better and helped to find a solution, just to accept myself the way I am. Thank you Louise for this.
You’re welcome, glad it helped!
Thank you for taking the time to share your life. The amazingly ironic thing is that I came by way of this article by a friend starting to constantly tell me I’m talking too much. This didn’t use to be a problem but reading your experience has helped immeasurably. Pairing this article with a psychological one (namely saying some reasons people talk too much is to hide feelings) let me understand that the people in my life who think I talk too much are actually introverted, while I’m extroverted, and more on a deeper level. This has given me a new hope to bridge a gap. The friend who thinks I talk too much (a sudden complaint) is the person I’m having an emotionally charged change in the relationship, and whom has seemingly in my mind gone from being an extrovert to an introvert. But really, I’m just being my extroverted self and covering up our real issue by talking too much, while he is backing away from it and internalizing for more strength – and probably being the introverted person I didn’t realize he was. We are just each dealing with it very differently but both in a very emotional way. My instincts for example were to not hang out with him so much on his days off, despite that being our normal pattern. He’s started working in hospitality again, so I’m also realizing perhaps it’s not really me so much as he’s an introvert drained from having to be an extrovert all day in his job. Thank you so very kindly for helping me piece this together with understanding his similarities to your experience.
Hi Marlene. I’m so glad you found this helpful. I’ve come to the conclusion that we often want people to change until they actually do – when they (try to) change the way they are, we realise they’re not to blame for our unhappiness and we have no more excuses for complaining! Obviously I don’t know your friend, but I thought I’d mention that whenever I’ve wanted someone to stop talking, I found that I was stumped for something to say when they actually did; so probably my annoyance at their talking ‘too much’ was an insecurity on my part, because I felt inadequate when I couldn’t think of anything to say. Perhaps there is an element of that with your friend too, although I can certainly identify with him being drained by his extrovert job and internalizing issues rather than bringing out into the open. Thanks for commenting!
Enlightenment !! nice article. Its rewarding to learn how to be ok with things as they are make changes if necessary and be ok even if the change works or not.
This was really inspiring and helpful. I am very quiet in social situations until I get to know a person really well and then I often get comments about how crazy I am and people have to tell me to shut up! I definately identify with alot of what you have said here Louise. I constantly attach myself to the most outgoing person in the room so they can initiate all conversations and actions between me and other people. I have struggled with my desire for perfection since my early teens and although I have gotten over some aspects of this struggle, I still battle with my need to impress people on a daily basis. Like you said, wanting to be the best you can be is a great trait to have in the workplace but it has also alienated me from my co workers. While others who started the job the same time as me have built up strong social relationships with co workers, enjoying social gatherings together outside of work, I still only know most of my co workers as acquaintances.
Hi Jessica. Yes, it always used to take me an age to get to know people
at work as friends too. It’s got better since I started teaching, a job where you have to talk to colleagues about students, etc. and you’re not glued to a computer all the time like I used to be. I find worrying about not having friends makes it worse though. Once you relax a bit and learn to enjoy your own company, more friends will come to you.
Thanks! 🙂
This is exactlg what I needed to read today. I enjoy time alone but I often find that when I do want company it is hard to find it. Ihave an old soul so I dont connect with a lot of people my age. I also have a pretty eccentric sense of style and way of looking at the world and for a lot of people that can be off putting. Thankfully Im learning to develop thick skin to thise who try to criticize me for my differences, amd celebrate them.
thank you for this. I’ve been crying since last night because i’ve been recently called out for being ‘quiet’ and ‘aloof’. I wish people would understand that i am like that because i am introverted and not because i have nothing to say or that i am not interested. I hope at least i could develop an attitude on how not to mind people who don’t understand me. i don’t know…i’ve just been feeling so depressed..i’m always misunderstood….ii feel like i can’t put up with it anymore. but i can’t change who i am because this is who i am.
I have a friend whom i always call and message first she never does, i always visit her but she only visits when i practically beg her to it got to a point she stood me up when i really needed her i felt completely devastated when she couldn’t even acknowledge that she did wrong rather she tweets like i hurt her and now i hate myself for going along with what people say and tried to be who i wasn’t thank you for this write up i’m going back to being me.