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October 19, 2016 at 3:03 pm #118512
ShippParticipantDear anita,
I think I understand what you’re saying. It sounds very much like the technique that I use for avoiding panic attacks and fainting when faced with needles and shots. I focus all of my attention on the other arm and legs to avoid The
THINKING about what’s going on in my mind. If I understand you correctly, trying to focus on the physical reaction, instead of the mental chatter, will buy me time to sort through all of the negative reactions and select a positive one (which allows me to feel in control of myself). That makes sense and is something that can be done in small steps as it arises.Let me pose a new question:
I’ve read a little about how beliefs about ourselves are formed and reinforced in the brain (like what you were discussing with John) in the book “The Giant Within” by Anthony Robbins. I understand, a little, that it’s about changing the way you process the information that you’ve been given. I’m on the verge of ‘getting it’ but then the concept eludes me and I don’t get it. Would you share your understanding of how neuro pathways work and how someone can use them to formulate new beliefs about themselves?
~Shipp
October 19, 2016 at 5:53 pm #118521
AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
Whenever we learn something new, a new neuropathway (or pathways) are formed. Putting words together in a sentence involves the many multiple pathways we formed when we learned to talk. Tying shoes involves multiple pathways. There are millions of pathways formed after out birth, mostly in those formative years (I think of it as the years most pathways are Formed).
Some of the pathways formed early are what we learn about who we are and who our parents are- those pathways are most often not true to reality. I have to get off the computer. If you read this before I am back, would you like to state one belief (or more) that was formed in your child-brain?
anita
October 19, 2016 at 9:32 pm #118525ShippParticipantDear anita,
I’m not sure if this is what you mean but what comes to mind is “expressing anger must be bad”.
This belief came about two fold.
1. Mother’s anger was expressed badly in the former of abuse.
2. My attempts to express anger were met with swift, harsh punishment.So, therefore, expressing anger must be bad.
I now realize that there are healthy ways of expression but, since I didn’t learn these skills, mine still comes out badly (I loose my self control and lash out at others verbally). Then I feel guilty which reaffirms the belief.
I look forward to hearing from you when you can get online again.
~Shipp
October 20, 2016 at 10:35 am #118555AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
It is a good enough example. I imagine there was a point, very early on, when you felt angry and that is all you felt: anger. Then came your childhood experiences: your mother punished you when she recognized you were feeling angry and a neuropathway was formed between you feeling angry AND the fear of being punished.
Other neuropathways were formed: a pathway between you feeling angry AND feeling ashamed.
Another pathway: between feeling angry AND lashing out at others verbally. Another pathway: between lashing out at others verbally AND feeling shame.
How to untangle this mess/mass of pathways? Slowly, one at a time. Patiently, progressively, expecting significant, dependable progress in a few months of ongoing practice.
When you feel angry, pay attention to the pathway of you feeling angry AND feeling shame. The thought in this pathway is that it is wrong, shameful to feel angry. Correct the thought by telling yourself the following: if is not wrong to feel angry. It is okay to feel angry. I am lovable when I feel angry (try to feel some empathy there for yourself, as you say this). It is okay to feel angry. Everyone feels angry.
What you have in this pathway is an untruth, a distorted thought. So you correct the thinking when you feel angry, again and again, every time. This way you create a new, true-to-reality pathway and as you do, your brain is relaxing the grip of the old pathway, the know of that mess is relaxing so to include the new pathway. Over time, pathway-by-pathway, you make your brain more and more congruent with reality. The more congruent your brain is with reality, the healthier you are.
anita
October 20, 2016 at 5:44 pm #118579ShippParticipantDear anita,
As always, I appreciate your sharing what you know with me! The steps that you detail (here and in the post about sensing my body’s reactions to emotions) are plainly explained so that I can put the process into action.
(Side note: my tablet has a habit of auto correcting me and inserting words that I did not intend to use. I’ve noticed several after I post a message. So I hope you are fluent in typo lol).
After reviewing your last few posts, the topic of meditation comes to mind. The paying attention to breathing and relaxing muscles, and the focused attention on though is what brought it to mind. Do you practise? If so, I’d like to ask some questions. I’ve been attempting to meditate but I’ve run into some trouble with it:
1. With my family, its impossible for me to have time alone until after everyone else goes to bed. Then I can go to my room and have some solitude.
2. By the time I finally get some time to myself, I’m tired.
3. I’ve downloaded some meditation tracks on my phone to listen to. I find it easier to focus if I listen to guided meditation tracks, as apposed to non verbal tracks.
4. You guessed it.. I fall asleep. I wake up hours later (after the track is over) feeling more calm and refreshed but also feeling that I missed out on the whole purpose of learning control of my thoughts and breathing.I know that I need to make corrections to my technique in order to stay focused (awake) but I’m not sure where to look to find creditable information. A Google search returns too many results from “fluffy” websites.
Im thinking that if I could learn to meditate properly, it would help me in many ways (as we have discussed previously). Your thoughts?
~Shipp
October 20, 2016 at 8:21 pm #118583AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
You are welcome! Regarding meditation, here are my suggestions regarding guided meditations: choose short ones, five minutes, ten maybe. Nothing fancy. Regarding not having time to be alone with a guided meditation I suggest Moving Meditation (as opposed to Sitting/ Lying-down Meditation). Moving meditation, you can practice anytime for any length of time throughout the day. Let’s say you are washing dishes, standing in the kitchen washing dishes: pay attention to your feet on the floor, how they feel. Pay attention to how the running water feel on your hands, how the soap feels, the temperature, the feel of it. And how does it sound, the running water, putting the dishes away. Back to your feet, place your weight on the heels of your feet; now on your toes. Oh, and your back, how does it feel? And so on, and on.
You walk: feet on the ground: how does the ground feel under your feet? Soft, hard… is there noise as when you walk on gravel? What are the sounds that reach your ears as you walk? Focus on this sound and that sound? What do you see? Pay attention to this and that.
And so on and on, can be done anytime, for any length of time. This moving-meditation is the practice of Mindfulness. Tasks you usually do automatically, mindlessly, you do mindfully, paying attention.
If you didn’t try this yet, please do and let me know how it goes for you.
anita
October 20, 2016 at 8:41 pm #118587ShippParticipantDear anita,
I’ve never heard of moving meditation but I will certainly try it tomorrow and let you know how it works for me.
Will post again tomorrow.
~Shipp
October 21, 2016 at 10:00 pm #118677ShippParticipantDar anita,
Today was interesting. I started off trying to be aware of myself and paying attention to staying focused on my body and breathing. I found it an odd sensation but also realized I felt energized. I am still reading “The Power of Now” and made an effort to stay in each moment presently. The combination of the two lead me to want to be outside even longer (I take my doggie out first thing in the morning and read while waiting on him but I usually come right back inside when he’s done). So, today included relocating my lawn furniture, putting away the summer outdoor furniture, gathering kindling, hauling up and stacking fire wood in preparation for colder weather.
The interesting part was that I was able to stay in the present moment all day. Because I was paying attention, I noticed that my breathing stayed steady and even. My thoughts stayed quite all day as well. At one point, I came inside and past the clock in the living room (expecting it to be around 1:30) and was amazed that it was 4:30. Time really is irrelevant when you are fully present in the Now.
I plan on trying again tomorrow to see if I can maintain the same focus. My hope is that the more I achieve the state of being present and the moving meditation, the more natural it will begin to feel.
Thanks for the advice. I’ll check in again tomorrow.
~Shipp
October 22, 2016 at 8:23 am #118691AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
Good practice! Some days won’t be as successful as yesterday. A new stress will come up, you are tired, worried and you have another mindless day. Key is to try, to make an effort during a difficult day, to pay attention to the now when the Now is unpleasant.
You brought up a point not long ago, how to consistently live in the now: I think that most people give up on any new practice when it becomes uncomfortable and unpleasant. You had a good day yesterday so it was a pleasant experience, to live in the Now. You have a new day and let’s say something hurts in your body- now practice the Now.
Who wants to be present for pain, physical or otherwise? That’s the tough part.
Also, in practice moving-meditation, aka Mindfulness, focus on Progress, not Perfection. Be gentle with yourself, patient with you and the process.
anita
P.S. I like your posts on others’ threads.
October 23, 2016 at 9:59 am #118748ShippParticipantDear anita,
I just read your last post and smiled at the irony. I didn’t post yesterday because I was in too much physical pain. Most days I can get through with the pain but yesterday was almost unbearable. There was a thought (almost like a chant in my head) of ‘stay focused on THIS moment’. It was hard.
It was even more difficult when my daughter and I had a blow up. The interesting thing is during the blow up, I was able to remain calm and state exactly what I was thinking; I was able to say what bothered me without added comments like “you always” or “you don’t ever”. I kept it to the here and now even though she tried to drag other aspects of our situation into the current argument.
Today I’m functionable in spite of the pain and so I’m looking forward to trying my practice again.
You mentioned my other posts on different threads. Thank you! I figured that maybe I can encourage other people. It helps me not to focus on myself as much. Even though I tend to be ‘safe’ and choose my words carefully when posting.
I noticed something else in your other posts. You once wrote that you were using business Internet because you had no power at home. I hope that you are alright. Have you been able to return home? Power restored? You don’t mention much about yourself but I hope you feel free to post to me anything that you would like. I feel like I can talk with you but I don’t want our conversations to be all of my whining and you patiently listening to me all the time. I would like to support you also. So feel free to post here whatever you’d like. Even if you would like posing topics or theories for debate and discussion. I like that type of thing.
I have to go take the doggie out but I’ll check back in again today for any updates.
I look forward to your next post.
~Shipp
October 23, 2016 at 10:52 am #118753AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
I appreciate you reaching out to me; very much so. Thank you.
I shared a good amount about myself and my life, only those shares are lost in my massive posting here for over a year and a half. I also started threads for “debate and discussion”- a few people replied and as most threads go, they are now in the past. I figured my strength is in the interactions themselves, with you and others, the back and forth and not in essay/ article/ lecture type writing.
As far as power, yes it is back and the internet too. Until the next strong storm.
One more thing: as I read and respond to different threads I get to remind myself and further elaborate on skills I learned, insights I had, keeping insight and skills alive for me. When not on the computer, I often remember reading and writing this or that and I apply it to what I deal with currently.
Back to you: practicing mindfulness when you experience physical or other pain- in moderation, of course. I mentioned “skills” – one of them is distraction, not harmful distractions. So when you feel pain, pay attention to it some of the time but then distract yourself as well.
anita
October 23, 2016 at 11:43 pm #118792ShippParticipantDear anita,
Good! I’m glad your safe and back home again!
I agree that you have a talent or gift for interacting with others. I’ve started reading other posts that catch my interest and I also benefit from things that you say that others. It’s interesting to read different viewpoints and reactions to problematic situations that we all seem to have in common.
Let me pose a topic and get your thoughts. You may have come across this theory before.
The theory (as I understand it from therapy ) is that if you can change your perspective, you can change your reality.
Example: Your driving to work and someone pulls in front of you, causing you to miss the green light and you have to stop. (A) You THINK “what a jerk!!! He thinks he’s better than I am because he can afford a fancy car” Your reality is that you become mad, stew about it and arrive at work in a bad mood; lousy way to start your day. (B) You don’t give any thought to the other car and think “I’ve got a minute at the red light to look at the stero and find a good song”. Your reality is that you quickly found a song and sing the rest of the way to work. Your day starts off happy and cheerful.
This theory is also supposed to help when examining ones childhood or other experiences. Your perspective on things that happened effect how we feel now.
I’m wondering HOW to make this shift in perspective so that I can try to view situations differently; thereby changing my reality. It’s similar to trying to view a situation from someone else’s perspective.
Am I making any sense or just rambling because it’s 3am lol.
I look forward to your thoughts.
~Shipp
October 24, 2016 at 8:50 am #118809AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
Thank you. My thoughts about changing one’s perspective so to change one’s reality: depends. If I change my perspective to align it with reality, then I am benefiting myself and over time, I will experience life with less distress and more calm and well being. If, on the other hand, I change my perspective to fit wishful thinking, otherwise known as convenient thinking (something that is not true to reality, but makes me feel better at the moment), then I will not benefit myself on the long run, beyond a moment here and there.
Let’s take your driving example: the driver made the assumption that the other driver “thinks he’s better than I am because he can afford a fancy car”- that may be true or not. The other driver may be inattentive, distressed about something and inattentive. So, if the offended driver was me, I would consider a different possibility following my first assumption. That would cause me to be less angry. I would be distressed some and remind myself to drive attentively myself.
anita
October 26, 2016 at 12:48 am #118937ShippParticipantDear anita,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I’ve not been online due to doing a lot of reading and not feeling well. November and December are my tough months to get through.
My mother’s birthday is in the first week of November and it still tears me up, every year. She died a few years ago and it crushed me. Although she was the cause of the abuse, violence and trauma of my growing up (then later manipulation and drama), the year before she died, she had a massive stroke which caused her personality to change. Because I went everyday, after work, to care for her we became close. It was the closest that I ever felt to her. I felt like I FINALLY had a mother and that she truly loved me. For four months things were great! The day that much aunt (momma’s sister) called me at work and told me to come to the hospital, I KNEW, I knew she was already gone but they didn’t want to tell me. My world shattered. God, I’m crying as I write this. I don’t have the words to describe the depth of loss that I felt and still feel every year. I also feel cheated because I was left with so many questions unanswered.
This woman beat me with belts (leaving cuts from the belt buckle) and wire coat hangers; would make me stand still while she threw pots, pans and glass dishes at me and then tell me to clean up the mess and dare me to cut my bare feet and the glass; my whole life she told me that the day I graduated from high school that she would put a bullet in her head so she could escape the hell that I put her through my whole life; she even put the barrel of her gun (loaded and cocked) against my forehead and threatened to kill me and then herself during one of her rages.
I never understood why my existence made her life so unbearable. My sister and my mother were best friends; confidantes. I was always “too stupid, clumsy, lazy, worthless” etc to do things with them. I was excluded my whole life and I still don’t know why.
She got sick in her early 40s and her health went downhill from there. I have the same blood disorder and medical problems that she had. She died at 59. I started having strokes at 32, a massive heart attack last year and the other problems, so I really wonder if I will live as long as she did.
One of my beliefs is that the spirit goes on after dealth. I believe that she can hear me so I still talk to her. When I notice the clock reads 3:33 or 12:12, I say “I love you momma”. When I miss her really bad or like when my granddaughter was born, I talk to her.
My problem still is that I can’t reconcile the two situations within myself. She warped how I see myself as a person, and I don’t know how to deal with that, but there was so much hope near the end for us to finally have a great relationship but it was jerked away from me right as it began.
After her birthday comes Thanksgiving and Christmas which throw me into a extremely deep depression (every year since I was a teenager). This year should be even more interesting because I have decided not to see any of my family (other than my husband and my daughter, the one who already lives with me). I refuse to see daddy (and my sister will harp, nag and try to guilt me into changing my mind, as she always does) so that means I have to cut myself off from the rest as well.
Oh and we are selling our other house. The closing date is, as it happens, on momma’s birthday. I should be in a fine frame of mind for that. I’m praying nothing goes wrong and that the closing goes off without a hitch or I may seriously have a melt down!
Anyway, for the next few months, my posts will probably be dark and random, and there will probably be gaps between my getting online but January should be better (before February starts it again) … but I’ll be normal again come March. This is the cycle of my life, every year. This is the person that I try to hide away from the rest of the world. This is the person that I want to change 9 months out of the year.
This is way more information than you or anyone reading this wants to know but this is the first time I have ever written some of these things publicly. This is the “Sherry Lynn” that my mother created. Now what?
~Shipp
October 26, 2016 at 2:52 am #118940
VJParticipantDear Shipp,
I did feel bad as well as sad for some of the things you mentioned in your post and I have deep compassion for you.
Below are some of the inputs that I can provide to you..
“I never understood why my existence made her life so unbearable.
I was excluded my whole life and I still don’t know why.”
Good that you mentioned that you believe in spirits and after life. Things will become easy to explain in that case.
One of the Universal Laws governed by the Universe is the Law of Karma. There are so many variations that explain this law in other words. Below are some of those.
What goes out, comes in.
What you sow, so shall you reap.
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.Law of Karma is a Law and it never misses, no matter what. Take the Law of Gravity which is also a Universal Law. If a ball is tossed up in the air, it has to come down.
Now on a life level. We are all spirits in our physical bodies and Spirit is Energy. Any action done from one Energy (person) towards the other Spirit (person) gets the exact equal amount of the same energy and in the opposite direction ;ie back towards the sender of that energy. Now this energy that was sent can be of several forms – energy of hatred towards that person, anger, greed, resentment, jealousy, physical violence and so on are the negative energies. Note that every single thought is also an energy. So anything thought incorrectly about a person is also sending vibes of that quality depending on what you are thinking/wishing/feeling towards that person. The reason for explaining all this is it could have been highly possible that in one of the many earlier lifetimes when your spirit/soul was in another body and when your mom’s soul was in another form, your mom may have faced a lot of trouble from you of the exact same quality that you were facing in this lifetime with her. Perhaps you as a owner did not treat a servant properly all through her life. The life setup (situations) between both of you could be different. This is just an example, but I hope you are getting the point.A simpler example in real life scenario could be as follows.
Suppose you are wearing a red shirt today and I am wearing a blue one. Today in this red shirt you borrow $10000 from me by requesting that you are in financial trouble and will return it back in a few days after your salary. Now you get your salary but greed enters your head and you cheat me and do not return me my $10000. Now after 1 year when you are wearing a pink shirt and I am wearing a black shirt we cross paths at a shopping mall. I haven’t forgotten you and ask you about my money. If you may not give it to me I may even threaten to take it away from you by wrong means. The important point is even though the shirts have changed, the body who borrowed the $10000 did not change.
Similarly on a larger perspective of life, even though your body may have changed (died), the soul who borrowed the $10000 did not change. The soul simply takes on another body. So whatever the karmic accounts of that soul are (like bad deeds performed out of lust, greed, anger, jealousy, ego, etc …also the good ones done out of love) get carried forward with the soul even when they take different body forms. But since the Law says that the same quality of energy is going to come back to you, then you will face the consequences of what you have done either in this lifetime or any other. When these problems come to us then we say “Oh, what have I done to this person that s/he is troubling me so much for no reason…., what have I done such that my life is so and so”. Unfortunately we are not aware of the karmic debt accounts of our soul. But there is someone, or something, or some Infinite Intelligence that causes the blade of grass to grow, causes the sun to rise in India and set at the same time in the U.S. “That” something has the full balance sheet of our life and we get the circumstances according to that.
Now the problem with people is that instead of facing their karma by passing through it, they retaliate and even further intensify their karma and hence gather more negative karmic points and face more trouble in this or further lives and go on in this loop. For example, if you would have retaliated your mother by ill-treating her and further causing here more trouble then you would face these problems in this or upcoming lifetimes. But based on what you wrote, it doesn’t appear to be the case. More below. But the point is – Every single thing that is happening to us is exactly as it should have happened.“…there was so much hope near the end for us to finally have a great relationship but it was jerked away from me right as it began.”
It looks like you have nullified your karmic baggage with this soul and finally have settled your accounts.
Perhaps towards the end when things got better between you it may have been possible that both of you nullified each other’s karmic debt accounts and it was time to depart. This departing happens in many ways for many people – some leave the body, some suddenly move to a different location, a child leaves his/her parents at a very young age due to some extreme illness, two people get divorced and they depart, some leave the house after an argument and never come back, and likewise.These were just a few inputs from my point of view. There is a book which you may possibly be interested in. I haven’t read it but if you could take a look at the book description (I have pasted below) and also things people have written in their reviews on Amazon to see if it interests you.
The Laws of the Spirit World – by Khorshed Bhavnagri
Amazon US link:
(https://www.amazon.com/Laws-Spirit-World-Khorshed-Bhavnagri-ebook/dp/B008X3TEP8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477474501&sr=8-1&keywords=laws+of+the+spirit+world)You will get to read more reviews on the Amazon India link:
(http://www.amazon.in/Laws-Spirit-World-Khorshed-Bhavnagri/dp/817992985X)Below is the book excerpt from Amazon-
The Laws of the Spirit World-
‘The Laws of the Spirit World’ by Khorshed Bhavnagri is a book that tells us about automatic writing, spirits and life after death. This book is based on the author’s own life. In 1980, Khorshed Bhavnagri and her husband lost their sons in a car accident. Their lives had come to a standstill after this tragedy until after a month of their death they started getting messages from their sons through mediators. This was something unimaginable. The author turned her personal misery into a spiritual story which is now admired by millions of people. The author claims about how the spirit of their sons contacted them and they successfully reunited. He also talks about how their sons provide them with immense spiritual guidance and knowledge.The book, according to the author, is a product of their sons’ desire to explain laws of the spirit world. It is an example of an extraordinary courage shown by parents, how they have managed to keep their sons in their lives even after three decades of their death. The book is designed for those who believe in sub-conscious, spirit and the supernatural powers. It is a national bestseller with followers like Shiamak Davar who states how this book helped him understand his own sub-conscious better. The form of this book is ‘Automatic writing’ which is a form of writing inspired by spiritual beings or supernatural powers. This world is a complex, mystical and alluring place. The hidden truths of this world can be unveiled through books like these.
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Below are some of the reviews which you may relate to-
“…But, it’s worth reading, especially if you’re still wrestling with whether there IS life after death. It’s comforting to hear that your loved ones live on, and still love you, are aware of your doings and continue to feel your love for them- this book (along with many other sources) bears witness to that and to the importance of love in general as the cosmic force underlying all creation.”“I bought it shortly after my mom expired.. to know the afterlife.. it can make you to get out of deep sorrow after loosing loved ones…”
I hope, pray and wish that you will make peace with whatever is happening with you and lead a normal life – all 12 months of the year from now on.
Take Care,
VJ -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.