Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→My second chance in life
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October 11, 2016 at 9:34 pm #117871
ShippParticipantDear Peter,
Thank you for sharing your inspiration with me. I am grateful for any encouraging words that are shared.
~Shipp
October 11, 2016 at 9:39 pm #117872ShippParticipantDear Jock,
Thank you for your kind words. I smiled at your compliment!
I’m glad that you too seem to be making progress in your journey. Keep up the good works!
Please feel free to check in me anytime and offer what you feel lead to share.
~Shipp
October 11, 2016 at 10:15 pm #117878ShippParticipantDear Anita,
Its good to hear from you!
Its comforting to know that you fully understand the pain and stress of a simliar childhood. I would like to ask, if you dont mind, if escape into fantasy world continued for you into adult years? The reason that I ask is that, to some extent, I still struggle with that. I get an idea of the ‘perfect’ job for example (I can invision my desk and surrounding office, how well I dress and look, etc) but then reality sets in and I feel crushing disappointment. I realize full well that I have no right to be disappointed because ‘perfection’ was all in my head, but there’s still the thoughts of “I SHOULD have better than this”. (and yes, my parents drilled absolute perfection and second is not good enough into my head early on and used words like should, never, always and many others). I would also like to ask if you felt pressure to excel and please your family in an effort to make the peace. For me, this was/is the case.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
~Shipp
October 11, 2016 at 10:16 pm #117879
XenopusTexParticipantJock, your post reminds me of something that a Methodist minister I used to know said. He refused to accept the teaching that a baby is born already “tainted” so-to-speak.
Anita, I’ve come to realize that we all more-or-less live in some type of fantasy world.
October 12, 2016 at 6:08 am #117891
PhullParticipantGood Day Everyone.
I came across the tiny buddah page today whilst browsing “How to forgive yourself for mistakes you make at work.” – As my search criteria suggests, I needed a little pick me up after I made a mistake on a task my manager asked me to complete.
I was, or rather am very relieved to have stumbled upon this site because it made me feel better to know that there are other people who have difficulty moving on or getting over mistakes or errors.
Please forgive me for the lengthy “story” I’m about to share. I’m an introvert and for some reason I feel like I can share my thoughts on this page without fear of any judgement, and also in hopes that someone might offer an opinion or perspective that could be of some assistance.
I’ve always been a perfectionist and so much of my self-worth is tied to my accomplishments, which up till now have always been academic.
I’ve graduated two years ago and entered the workplace as an intern and it is in this environment that I’ve started noticing my anxiety or it has become more prevalent.
I quickly learned and am still learning that achieving my goals aren’t as simple as they were back in varsity, I am making a lot more mistakes and bad judgements now than I ever did – not intentionally of course.
I am not accustomed to not succeeding at a task on the first try, and also making oversights; as I usually pay attention to detail.
Since I’ve started working, I realise that I have a lot to learn but I somehow can’t seem to stop making mistakes, like not reading an email thoroughly – resulting in my response not being exactly befitting the request made in the email, or sometimes forgetting to update details in documents that need to be changed frequently such as names, dates, and exchange rates etc.
I perceive every individual I work with to be highly intelligent people that I would love to learn from. But every single time I make a mistake like the ones I mentioned above, I feel that I am disappointing them and myself and that I am unworthy of being in the position to work with and learn from them.
This feeling seems to stay around for days and I constantly think about the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve tried paying attention to my feelings and thoughts whenever I make a mistake and I found myself thinking things like: “You’re stupid, how could you not notice that.” And “Why are you here? You can’t do this.”
I want nothing more than to be successful but all these mistakes I make on a regular basis coupled with my self-doubt and persistent negative thoughts are making me feel like I’m in over my head and I don’t know how to get myself out of what seems to be a dark spiral.
** I also realise that this thread is related to a topic posted by another user, I’m not quite sure how to create a thread yet. My apologies.
October 12, 2016 at 9:09 am #117910
AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
As to your question about whether my ” escape into fantasy world continued for you into adult years?”
Yes, it did. Absolutely (no daydreaming whatsoever in the last couple of years only: topics of daydreaming changed over time before ceasing completely).
As to your question about whether I ” felt pressure to excel and please your family in an effort to make the peace.”- not exactly, if I understand the question correctly. I will explain: I learned quickly that I was not good enough to please my mother so I retreated into passivity, a “learned helplessness” state- having such little hope that my doing will be good enough/ expecting negative criticism whether I do-or-not, that I didn’t do. I retreated into daydreaming and not doing much.
My daydreaming was about Big Time achievements, the only achievements, I believed, that would make my mother happy. There was nothing I wanted more than for her to be happy and for me to be the one that will make her happy- that was a dream come true. To see her smile at me approvingly; for her to be pleased that I was in her life. (And not to see her out of control anymore, explosive, histrionic, threatening, violent).
So I dreamed, literally, of being Rich and Famous. Because she expressed value of material wealth shown in movies, on TV, so I figured that is what I needed to do- to be that rich, to provide her the house, the vacations, the things lots and lots of money can buy. Like on TV.
Also, my self esteem was so very low, I daydreamed of large audiences in standing ovation following my performance as a dancer. Just standing and clapping hands around the stage.
I was never a dancer, no coordination.
Of course, nothing in my real life came even close to my daydreaming. And so, my real life was a painful comparison to make with my fantasy life.
Oh, did I mention I daydreamed of love as well, of love relationships? That was not my reality.
The concept that “little things” matter, little successes- that was a later concept in my life.
anita
October 13, 2016 at 9:40 pm #118134ShippParticipantDear Phull,
I have a few questions for you to consider:
1. Did your anxiety begin before you started making mistakes or are you feeling anxiety because you are making mistakes?
2. You mentioned that you are accustomed to succeeding in your tasks. Could this comfort level be leading to your mistakes? Could it be that you are getting ahead of yourself and not focusing on the mundane details? I ask this because sometimes I get over confident and mess up, then I feel foolish when my mistakes are noticed bt others.
3. You mentioned that you feel unworthy of working with such highly intelligent people. Are these mistakes all that stands between your present situation and the success that you seek? If so, then by giving yourself some time and paying close attention to detail, I feel that you can grow out of this phase.
If I may also make a suggestion (something that I am working on myself): try to work at work at the end of the day. Try not to keep mulling over your mistakes once you leave work. Try to start each new day as a fresh opportunity to do better than the day before.
I have also recently joined Tiny Buddha but I have the people here to be wonderfully supportive. I hope you will find something on this sight that helps you.
~Shipp
October 13, 2016 at 11:33 pm #118145ShippParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for sharing your personal story. You and I seem to have taken opposing methods for dealing with what we faced. Unfortunately, I think the end result was similar. Although, based on some of what I’ve read, you seem to be farther along on your journey to peace than I am. In spite years of therapy, with many different counselors, I still can’t seem to get a grip of my fear, sense of self worth and anger.
I apologize but my thoughts are, at the time, somewhat scattered so I will check in again tomorrow.
~Shipp
October 15, 2016 at 7:37 pm #118271AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
You wrote that you had years of therapy. Not all therapy is created equal, of course. I had one competent therapist, only one therapist who put the time and thought into helping me, not only during sessions (often way longer than the customary fifty minutes) but in between sessions giving me homework for the next session, and preparing for the next. He was also available online and on the phone in between sessions (without extra cost). He listed objectives for therapy for me and strategies to meet those objectives and evaluated those over time. What a professional!
I thought earlier about your thread and the movie Awakening. The movie tells the true story of catatonic patients awakened after decades of catatonia. Awakening included great despair over youth lost in catatonia (similar to mindless living), lost time, youth, opportunities, experiences not lived. They preferred, it seemed to me, to go back to catatonia than to FEEL what needed to be felt in the process of awakening.
I was wondering if you experience something like that, as you awakened to your “second chance in life”?
anita
October 17, 2016 at 10:09 pm #118390ShippParticipantDear Anita,
The type of counselor that you described is what mine, except one, lacked. I suppose also that is part of the reason that I was drawn to the forum here. Because both parents were of little use in preparing me for ‘adult life’, I feel that I’ve missed a lot of wisdom and guidance. In my years of therapy, no one provided tools (exercises, recommended reading, etc) to help ME figure out deal with issues. (and I stressed ME because I know that I have to find my own answers that ring true for myself).
To answer your question about awakening, for me there was an undescribable fear (almost panicked) of not having enough time and a profound sadness over years lost. My doctor wrote me out of work for a month and on the day that I returned to work, I was fired because they no longer needed me. Therefore, I made the decision to take a year off from working. I felt that I needed time to adjust and come to grips with myself and my life. In a way, I’m afraid that when I return to the workforce, my life will return to the daily, mindless stresses that leads me to where I was last year. Unlike the people in the movie, I am choosing to feel and explore rather than to shut down. Unfortunately, my progress is as slow as quicksand in the hourglass.
One of my biggest personal struggle has been, and still is, to break the habit of going in the wrong direction (doing things that I do not thoughtfully want to be doing) long enough to start going in the direction that I want (mindfully doing things that will either bring me closer to my goals or bring me peace in the meantime). I find it very difficult to stay in the ‘now’ because I am faced with acknowledging that I am doing and being that which I choose not to do and be. If I were faced with another person, obstacle or situation then I would charge ahead full steam to resolve the problem but when I face my own shadow self, I falter and get lost.
Let me pose a question: Do you think a person who has no self worth or sense of value of existence (due to childhood and past experience) can find on one’s own an internalized sense of worthiness and confidence?
I look forward to your thoughts and questions.
~Shipp
October 17, 2016 at 11:47 pm #118404ShippParticipantDear Anita,
General site/forum question: is there a way to contact someone who posts in the forum? I’ve read some posts by Peter and I would like to ask him some further questions but his comments were for other users in their thread (posted some time ago). Can you tag someone in a post to get their attention or something? Or do you just hope they read your post? How does it work here?
Thanks for your help!!
~Shipp
October 18, 2016 at 12:33 pm #118437AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
In regard to your last question: you can tag people so that they get a message in their private email account (registered with tiny Buddha) regarding your message to them. I personally don’t know how to do it, but many do. (I have been a very active member here for about a year and a half but I am not running this website; I am strictly a member, like you).
Let’s say you read someone else’s thread and Peter is one of the people replying to the Original Poster (OP). You want to communicate to Peter about his reply. You can post on that thread something like:
* Side note: Peter, I read your reply above and was wondering if you can elaborate on….
Regarding your post before last: fear is in your way of exploring and living-in-the-now. Of course, other people’s struggles are not close to being as scary as our own. this is why people are so quick to know the solutions to other people’s problems, not to their own. Fear is a powerful emotion. From personal experience, it is possible to overcome fear, gradually, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time and ” find on one’s own an internalized sense of worthiness and confidence”- it is a personal journey.
Talking about movies, one movie that energized me toward that kind of personal journey is The Never Ending Story, 1984. It has lots of symbolism. One is, that it takes a child to go on such a journey. If not a child, then one with a child’s mind, or a Beginner’s Mind-
It is about learning from-the-beginning, unlearning what we learned and learning anew. When you unlearn that you are unworthy, you learn anew that indeed, you are worthy.
anita
October 18, 2016 at 9:48 pm #118465ShippParticipantDear Anita,
I remember the Never Ending Story lol. It was one of my youngest daughter’s favorites. I agree that it takes a child for such a journey and I understand the similarities with a beginner’s mind. I sometimes believe that I’ve experienced too much and have become too jaded to recapture the innocence of such a mind.
I also agree that fear is a very powerful emotion. Too often the only emotion that is strong enough for me to overcome my fear is anger. For me, anger has been the only emotion strong enough to cover the fear and feeling of helplessness since around age 10. That is when I first attempted suicide and after failing, I decided that anger was stronger than helplessness and that I would not let my mother destroy me. (That seemed logical to my 10 year old brain). I’ve since realized that I’ve spent my life since then being angry.. carrying a chip on my shoulder and looking for someone to challenge to knock it off.
When I chose my career, I chose the legal field because I have a hypersensitive sense of justice and what is fair. But here is where the switch came about. In my field, passionate is acceptable but anger and aggression are not. So, I would hold that anger inside with no outlet. Given the amount of work and hours the job requires, there was the inevitable frustration. Frustration turned on myself, mixed with the unspent anger, became harsh unyielding view of self and depression. I’ve read other posts that refer to depression as “feeling down and sad” but the depression that I experience feels painful, like my body and mind have been exploded into thousands of disconnected pieces into an endless darkness that will only be eased by nothingness.
So my cycle is fear, only covered by anger, which when turned on myself become depression. While I seek to rid myself of these dominant negative emotions, they are the fabric of who I was and still am. I sometimes think that without them, I would be nothing, empty. I truly don’t understand how, given what all I have experienced in my life, I could ever view myself and my world as others do theirs. (The happy, perky, positive people or people who love themselves more than they do others or people who say that they were able to forgive themselves and others… HOW???)
Sorry, my frustration is showing again. I realize that I’m venting. I told myself when I started posting that I would not relay all of the traumatic events that caused me to be where and how I am today but if life was unbearable at 10, it only got worse from there. After almost dying last October, I finally realize that I want to live, truly live, but not as I am now. Not as I have for all these years. I just don’t know HOW. And, yes, I realize that no one can tell me how to do that but I do hope that somewhere I will find a key truth that will unlock the door (wall) that I’ve spent so many years building.
Ok, my venting is over for now. I appreciate your listening to me and letting me sort out some issues. Sometimes it’s easier for me to have to stop and put my thoughts in order before writing them out. Sometimes all of my thoughts, just rolling around in my head, become difficult to sort through.
Thank you!!
~Shipp
October 19, 2016 at 2:41 am #118476ShippParticipantDear Anita (I just remembered reading that you prefer the small ‘a’),
A follow up post. I was reading a post by John “Is this it?” and was very interested in the advise you shared with him. If you don’t mind, I copied your last post here because I would like to discuss further with you (without high jacking John’s space).
You wrote “It is my experience that most of what we are is automatic, a quick and automatic reaction to existing pathways that are triggered, again and again, by people we interact with and life situations.”
This is what I meant by ‘I can’t seem to stop doing the wrong things long enough to start doing the right things’. My thoughts, actions and reactions seem to on autopilot.
You also wrote “to be authentic is to get a sense of distance from existing pathways, being able to notice them, identify them and instead of being identified with them, being able to CHOOSE from a distance. To choose before drowning in those pathways.”
This is what I want for myself. I want to be authentic, who I am..the good, the bad and the ugly parts of me, and not fear being judged or rejected by others. I have moments (usually when anger over rides my fears) when I am fully present and self aware without worrying about what others think. In these moments, I feel free, unbuttoned. But those moments are fleeting and then I go back into hiding mode.
Do you think it’s possible to reach a state of consistent being that is fully present and authentic? If you’ve been able to accomplish this, please share how.
I’ll continue to follow John’s posts, as I think he and I are seeking similar information.
And if I haven’t told you lately, thank you for giving your time, compassion, wisdom and truth, not only to me but to all the others that post here. You are truly a special person to give so much of yourself and I’ve yet to see you ask anything for yourself. So, thank you!!
~Shipp
October 19, 2016 at 10:47 am #118498AnonymousGuestDear Shipp:
You are welcome and thank you: you are so kind.
I read your last two posts. I will go straight to your question: “Do you think it’s possible to reach a state of consistent being that is fully present and authentic?”
There are times, as you shared, that you can do just that. During those times, your fear/ anger fueled pathways are resting, sleeping-like, not triggered. Oh, what a break! But how to be like that consistently?
First have realistic expectations: when you do feel calm and present, know that it will not last and last. The fear/ anger fueled pathways are still there. Would be wonderful if they disappeared but that is wishful thinking, unfortunately.
When the fear/ anger/ distress pathways are activated, notice. Pay attention to how it feels: how is your breathing? Any physical sensations? Instead of going into your head, thinking, thinking and thinking some more, stay in your body. How does it feel?
Then if you notice your breathing is shallow and fast, slow it down, take deeper inhalations. If you notice your muscles are tight, stretch, relax them. This way, you learn how to physically endure, or tolerate distress.
Over time, via various “emotional regulation” skills, you build a trust in yourself to be able to endure distress without reacting to it in the same-old-same-old ways. You learn to “buy time” so to choose better ways to operate.
What is required is not an intellectual exercise but a practice of remaining in the body, getting to know how your body reacts to distress, learning to calm the body and over time, you build that trust, you become less reactive, less… desperate for relief any-which-way.
Post anytime. When I have internet- I respond.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 