August 24, 2016 at 6:38 pm #113196
Hi Tiny Buddha,
Its been a while since I post anything here. I feel like I have learned some valuable information about life problems, specifically issues that comes after breakup or divorce. I am posting it here with the only intention to help others as some of this might be very useful to you. If I try to write everything, this post will never end. So, I am going to make it short and simple. Please, feel free to ask me to elaborate on any one of this.
1. There’s no closure as such in breakup, closure comes from within. Don’t look for answers outside.
2. No contact must be maintain for healthy breakup. If you continue to text, use social media etc. you will continue to remain in the loop.
3. Don’t suppress your emotions or run from your pain. Don’t use drugs, sex or alcohol, over sleeping, overworking or over doing any activity to numb your mind. It is time to feel your s##T. Go ahead and cry to the full. You will feel relieve soon.
4. Loneliness post break up. That’s hard for alot of people. One must learn to stay alone and feel ok with it. It requires practice and time. Fear of loneliness causes us to stay in a abusive unhealthy relationship. Time to learn to be at peace with peace.
5. Questioning self worth or low self esteem A very common thing to happen if you didn’t initiate breakup. You and only you can define your self worth, don’t look externally.
6. Will never find someone that good How do you know? Was that person really that good?
7. I will never love again Not healthy. We as human being are designed to give and receive love. Its in our nature. Don’t run from it, you will create more pain and suffering.
8. Why me? Why this happened to me? Is it really just you? Do you know how many people go through this everyday.
9. It feels so bad so terrible Is it really that bad? or is it just painful? How do you know if its good or bad?
10. Self blame- If I had done that, this wouldn’t happen How do you know that?
11. She or he was so amazing? was he/she really? Or its the delusion in your mind?
12. Those memories really hurt Yes but with time it will pass. There’s an end to all of this.
My life is shattered into pieces Really? I know its extremely painful but think of those people who do not have food and clean water to drink.
13. I will never be happy Where is your happiness? Is it outside? How do you differentiate between happiness and pleasure?
14.I am getting old and I want to be married with kids Who doesn’t want to? But is it really in your hand? Can you control the way other people feel about you?
15. Why this keep happening to me? Because you aren’t learning from it. Its your teacher learn from this.
16. I am single and I am unhappy Have you met people who are married with kids? Do they look that they are happy? You only change from one form of suffering to another. Its delusion by mind.
Oh gosh !! This could go on forever. Please read this and question those thoughts that beat you down.
Brav3August 24, 2016 at 8:20 pm #113201
Delusions are by far the worse. See the truth by what it really is. Relationships end for a reason.
Learn how to love yourself. Discover new hobbies, dedicate yourself to your passions. Take good care of yourself. It is good for self esteem.
Enjoy the company of your friends to the fullest. They are the best.
Be grateful for all the learning that is coming through this.
So far these are mine conclusions from someone who has also been through a rough breakup 🙂
August 24, 2016 at 8:38 pm #113206
- This reply was modified 5 months ago by cath.
Glad you are back and if I may, I announcce you The Expert on Post Breakup Healing and Management (PBH&M, that would be)- what a very well written, succinct post! I want to read it more attentively with a fresh brain tomorrow morning. Wow, Brav3- what an intelligent, precise, well thought of, excellent manual for people in need of post breakup healing and management: my hat is off to you.
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 9:45 pm #113224
Man, I love #7 – I may just tattoo that on my arm just so I remember it. We are made to give and receive love. Beautiful.
Great list. The only addendum I’d consider adding is don’t downplay how chance/luck/opportunity plays into the mating game. We can be the best/healthiest version of ourselves, but if we aren’t getting out there and making the effort to find the right person we never will. Not everybody gets paired up with a compatible person right away. Just because your and your last partner weren’t a match, it doesn’t mean you won’t find somebody eventually. Even if you’ve “failed”, it’s a learning opportunity and better prepares you to be ready when the right person does cross your path.
That you again Brav3!August 24, 2016 at 10:54 pm #113229
Yes there’s a reason for all this to happen. We think it shouldn’t happen, instead we should see that it was meant to happen. Its hard when we are deluded though.
Friends are great. However, not many people are lucky enough to find honest friends. So, they try to fit in. They look for approval and obviously get hurt when that failed to happen. Friends change to, don’t forget that. Its life, this is how it flows. Always make friends but remember you are your best friend. Again, don’t get deluded by ‘I have friends forever’. Reality is friends come and go to. If you don’t believe me, ask your friends 🙂
Hope you are going good. Good to hear from you.
Brav3August 24, 2016 at 10:56 pm #113230
Thank you. I think you are the expert not me. Hats off to you for helping other on this site.
Brav3August 24, 2016 at 11:19 pm #113231
Dear Miniature Bodhisattva,
I am glad you liked #7.
I can see your point and to some extent I agree to that we must do what we can do. But if you look this world a little bit more deeply you might see more. We all learn from our school age, how to strive, how to find better job, how to find partner, how to go for it. There’s a whole self help industry thriving on this idea. These all motivational books talk about how against all odds, this guy or that girl persevere and triumphed. But nobody writes about someone who did their best and still failed. Something to think about. What we never learn is how to leave alone those things that we can’t do anything about. Now, there’s is a fine line here. The idea is to give your best, so you live your life to the fullest but find peace in your effort, not in the outcome. If you try to control your life, you will be disappointed. Do not try to tie all loose ends because you will never be able to. Find peace now amidst chaos.
It is the delusion that outcome is in your control, especially if you are highly successful. The truth is we can’t even control our own bodies, forget external things. And when things starts to fall apart, which they do eventually as that’s the nature of life, we despair and think this is forever to. We can only control our inner world which is basically to be in sync with reality and see the truth. Nothing is permanent, not even our feelings. They come and go.
Brav3August 24, 2016 at 11:42 pm #113232
Another important delusion to see is this fantasy of the future that when I meet that perfect partner, I will be happy. Truth is you will only change from single person suffering to relationship suffering. If you see it clearly, you will not identify your partner as the source of happiness and will not get attached. Hence, if things fall apart again, you will get yourself up quickly.
One Buddhist nun told me once, we think we will be happy if we get what we want. Buddha says we get happy if see the delusions of our mind and stay in sync with reality.
Brav3August 25, 2016 at 7:10 am #113241
You are absolutely right about what you said regarding friends.
In fact, I’ve lost a couple of them in the course of this process. So not all of them are for real and there for you. It’s during these times you realize who is actually there for you. I might have been lucky to have found out that I have amazing friends, but not so lucky to find out that others were not what I thought they were. And honestly- It’s fine. I want to be surrounded with people that I can trust and that will be valuable to my life.
So yes- one of the main lessons out of this as well was: I come first. I should be my best friend. And so far I think it’s been working fine 🙂 Hope it’s being like this for you as well!!
And glad to see that you are doing well. We are surviving after all 😉
Peace!August 25, 2016 at 8:36 am #113244
Thank you for your comment to me. I am back to your delightful thread first thing this morning. I like all your points and these are the ones I find particularly delightful to my mind and heart:
In # 6, 8, 11 and 16 you are challenging common post breakup thoughts, pointing the person in a different direction, challenging the person to re-think and to see the bigger picture, and you do so in a simple, straightforward way:
6. “Will never find someone that good”-
How do you know? Was that person really that good?”
8. “Why me? Why this happened to me?”-
Is it really just you? Do you know how many people go through this everyday.”
11. “She or he was so amazing?”-
was he/she really? Or its the delusion in your mind?”
16. “I am single and I am unhappy”-
Have you met people who are married with kids? Do they look that they are happy? You only change from one form of suffering to another. Its delusion by mind.”
In # 7 you place so much wisdom perfectly, I believe: “We as human being are designed to give and receive love. Its in our nature. Don’t run from it, you will create more pain and suffering.”
There is so much in your original post and I can go on and on about it, as you can go on and on, as you wrote.
I noticed the Thought Distortions you bring up- the categories of Thought Distortions I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
* “Fortune Telling” is one, where people predict the future, but … have no business doing so, for example: I will never find someone this good (#6) as well as #7 and 13.
* “Catastrophizing” is another: people believe things are way worse than they are: #9, #12
* “Personalizing” is yet another, where people believe something is about them when it is not, or only partly so: #5 and 10.
* “Emotional Reasoning”- when people believe something is true because it feels so: #9, #11.
* “Jumping to conclusions”- when people jump to a conclusion, assume something without checking validity: #5 & #16.
A few items are a combination of these categories.
You asked to ask you to elaborate on any of your points: what about #15: Why this keep happening to me? Because you aren’t learning from it. Its your teacher learn from this.”?
anitaAugust 25, 2016 at 4:09 pm #113276
I am happy for you that you are lucky enough to have honest real friends. I have tried my best but haven’t been that lucky yet. In fact, I felt disappointed by some of my so called friends. Then, I stopped myself in that process and I asked that is it really in my hands ? I think its very profound question. I did my best but if people continue to be self centered, its actually not my fault. And if its not my fault, I should feel content with what I did as a friend and let it be.
It sort of gives you this insight or wisdom that some people aren’t meant to be your friends, just like some people are never meant to be in your life as lover. And the ultimate reality is things will continue to change. It is not guaranteed that you will always have friends forever and it is also not guaranteed that you will never have friends forever to.
So, if one doesn’t get deluded with the idea that things are going to forever like this, reality starts to appear more clearly.
Brav3August 25, 2016 at 5:24 pm #113277
Thank you for your lovely comments and description of categorization oF CBT. I purely learned all this from Buddhist psychology. I am glad you find these points delightful to your mind and heart.
In my opinion, #4,#5 and #6 are very important and are usually undermined. People stay in a bad relationship or continue to look for a relationship throughout their lives as they were driven by these points. There is nothing wrong with pursuing your dream partner but there’s a really big picture about our primordial behavior that we need to see.
Anyway, coming back to elaborating on #15: Why this keep happening to me? Because you aren’t learning from it. Its your teacher, learn from this”. This is a common question that continues to arise in us, especially when we do our best and things continue to not work out for us. I asked it many times as well. It is a very poor approach to see things and there’s no one out there god/universe or whatever who will provide the answer for it. So instead of looking outside we should look within.
Problems/mistakes/failures/bad things, they all are there to teach us. They are our teacher in this journey of our life. They are their to make us learn and grow. Instead of complaining about it, we should look beyond our feelings and try to see them as opportunities to learn . Because, many things in our lives we do not have control of. And if we get everything the way we want, we will learn nothing.
I am sure there are problems that we could do something about. If we could do something about it, sure ! then we must do what we can do. But if they are like a brick wall, like a death of loved one, break up or divorce, cancer or any other disease with no treatment, then we leave it alone and see it as your teacher.
Furthermore, repetition of same problems are usually a sign that we didn’t learn previously and that could be because of many reasons. We get so caught in our mind telling all bad stories, that we forget that their is an end to all this. We are too busy in identifying with our negative emotions like grief, sorrow, sadness etc that we miss the important lessons to learn from it. We get deluded from reality. So, we do same mistakes again and again. This is very common in relationship, especially abusive ones.
Hope that makes sense.
Brav3August 25, 2016 at 8:45 pm #113280
Yes, it makes sense. I often stress, in different posts, the importance of learning. And you stress it as well, how important it is to learn from our mistakes, our failures and from anything there is to learn. Learn about what is real and what is delusion.
The Buddhist principle of peeling off from what we see all that is not real and seeing the bare minimum of reality- this is what I strive for. This is what you did in # 6, 8. 11 and 16- excellent job, I say!
You wrote in your last post above that # 4, 5 and 6 are very important and usually undermined.
4. Loneliness post break up. That’s hard for alot of people. One must learn to stay alone and feel ok with it. It requires practice and time. Fear of loneliness causes us to stay in a abusive unhealthy relationship. Time to learn to be at peace with peace.” At peace with peace, an original way to put it.
5. Questioning self worth or low self esteem A very common thing to happen if you didn’t initiate breakup. You and only you can define your self worth, don’t look externally.”
6. Will never find someone that good How do you know? Was that person really that good?” I remember you, Brav3, stuck in #6. I remember it very well, you writing how wonderful your ex was and … I was the one challenging that.
I think this thread should be brought to the front of the threads every once in a while so people who didn’t read it, your original post on this thread, will get a chance to read it. Very comprehensive and well, I am impressed. Thank you for putting it together. Once in a while maybe, you can start a thread with one of these items, elaborating on it, if you’d like…
anitaAugust 25, 2016 at 11:28 pm #113294
I found this article particularly useful. It touches upon some really useful facts, and it gets better the sooner we accept it
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefullyAugust 31, 2016 at 11:47 pm #113877