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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • October 7, 2016 at 3:23 pm #117449
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks for your comfort anita:) i really like chapter eleven about cell communication in ap biology, andrew likes chapter 44 on cell’s regulating water. cell communication is easier for me b/c i am good with molecules being transferred and chemical signals, while andrew is good at biological processes. lately we have been helping each other with our notes. he and i have a lot of the same ideas of how to approach diagrams and we often have the same format to our note-taking and we both have a good sense of humor. i need some advice on how to talk to a shy guy b/c i have a friend francine who wants to make friends with my former lunch buddy who is now in my ap calc class, but he is really shy. he doesn’t have many friends and francine feels bad for him, she really is a great friend. i asked dave today if he had any advice and he said that francine should casually approach him and talk about some topics and possibly use humor. francine says she has already tried to talk to steve and it is hard. i don’t think steve is that shy, though he helps me with my ap calc hw at times. he’s a good person who is a bit insecure at times like me. francine has a great sense of humor and dave is most likely to cheer you up or possibly andrew as well. even though, ap biology is a lot of work, it’s fun and cool to learn and working with andrew is quite fun. dave and steve are great for ap calc although i’m still learning how to calculate derivatives using the chain rule on radicals and fractional exponents or how to combine all the rules we’ve learned to solve a problem which can get quite confusing on which rule to use and where you are. i find that sometimes i end up forgetting a rule to use especially when it comes to trig, radical and fractional exponent functions. my inner bully came by in ap biology today when andrew and i were discussing cell communications and it said “see you’ll never be as smart as him.” where upon i envisioned a silver disk smashing it. it made a reappearance in java when it said “you are terrible at computers, how come you have so many mistakes? you’ll never pass this class.’ it made me really irritated, but the thing is by the end of the block, when i ran to catch my bus, i managed to imagine the inner bully being crushed under a bus and it made me laugh. i might create a song ridiculing the inner bully.
    “the arms of the inner bully goes grab, grab, grab.
    the arms of the inner bully goes grab,grab, grab
    the arms of the inner bully try to grab me
    the mind of the inner bully goes yes, yes, yes
    the mind of the inner bully goes yes, yes, yes
    the mind of the inner bully tries to be my mind saying things that it says are true
    the voice of the inner bully says “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough” all day long
    But i won’t let that inner bully grab, grab, grab
    No i won’t let it grab, grab, grab
    It’s arms are twigs in which i will break, break, break
    It has no power to hold me in it’s clutches
    For it’s arms, i will break, break, break
    the mind of the inner bully tries to steer me into a crash
    But I won’t crash
    I’ll take control of the steering wheel
    the mind of the inner bully says things are true
    i press delete and turn on the music of life
    the inner bully chitter chatters all day long
    “Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough” it chants
    i fast forward the screen, the inner bully doesn’t hold the remote to my life
    i will see the images and impression i want to see
    the inner bully laughs and says “break, break, break”
    the inner bully says “fail, fail, fail”
    what good would your actions do? ‘cuz i’m the inner bully “ha, ha,ha”
    and i say “you will never shatter my spirit inner bully, begone!”
    i will not tolerate your insults and curses
    you are nothing, but a miserable shadow that just latches on to people
    you don’t have physical form, you just lurk in the shadows waiting to be triggered
    but i will pump positive ions by active transport against inner bully (biology reference here) and i will let the shattered pieces of the inner bully exit the cell through the membrane
    and the inner bully says “i will take a piece of your cell membrane for my sake (exocytosis: when a cell takes a piece out of the membrane, can be helpful if there are foreign pathogens that need to be transported out of the cell) and leave you with a gaping hole in you self-esteem
    and i say i will take in more positive energy to fill those holes in me so you will never win (endocytosis: when cell replenishes membrane by taking stuff in) both exocytosis and endocytosis require energy.
    i will enjoy my life to the fullest without your help (funny math systems of equations, i found online that applies)
    life+love=happy
    +life-love=sad
    _____________
    2 life= Happy+Sad

    Life= (Happy+Sad)/2
    So, Life= 1/2 (Happy+Sad)

    I will solve the x’s (times when i am cross) in life so i can find the treasure (another math analogy and also pirates marking treasure with an “x”)

    “Math teaches us how to add love and minus hate. But it gives us Every reason to hope that Every problem has a solution.”

    So I will work on subtracting my hate and multiplying my love.
    So dear sweet bully (being sarcastic here), you will never succeed in making me x (cross) nor will you make me wonder Y
    Y is getting annoyed by you asking, can’t you see i’m okay the way i am?
    so, take your mental abuse to healthy students (first four words spell math) and go haunt an empty shack (hoovervilles from u.s history)
    you have no room to haunt me, so begone with your problems because you’re the one who has them and i won’t help solve them
    i will be having fun solving the variables in life and making the good add up

    (I love math and science analogies, they are so funny:)

    October 7, 2016 at 3:25 pm #117450
    Janus
    Participant

    oh lurking in the shadows waiting to be triggered reminds me of the inactive g-proteins who are waiting for a signal molecule to activate them so they can direct cell responses

    October 7, 2016 at 5:35 pm #117458
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Regarding Francine wanting to strike a conversation with Steve- maybe he is intimidated by her? If she appears to be confident and outgoing, that in itself, may intimidate him, while if a shy person approaches him, he will feel more comfortable. So my advice to Francine would be to approach him in a reserved way, low volume, gentle voice, a light smile, low key.

    I like very much smashing the inner bully with a silver disk crushing it under a bus. You can’t come up with any ending to the inner bully that I would consider too harsh, that’s for sure!

    I love, love, love the song about the inner bully and can hear the repetition of it, the chanting like and it is very fitting. Some of my favorite lines

    ““the arms of the inner bully goes grab, grab, grab.
    …the voice of the inner bully says “not good enough, not good enough..
    It’s arms are twigs in which i will break, break, break
    …the inner bully chitter chatters all day long
    “Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough” …
    i fast forward the screen, the inner bully doesn’t hold the remote to my life
    …the inner bully says “fail, fail, fail”
    what good would your actions do? ‘cuz i’m the inner bully “ha, ha,ha”
    and i say “you will never shatter my spirit inner bully, begone!”
    i will not tolerate your insults and curses
    you are nothing, but a miserable shadow that just latches on to people
    you don’t have physical form, you just lurk in the shadows waiting to be triggered”

    There is more that I like, but these are some of my favorite.

    “You will never shatter my spirit, inner bully, begone!

    Great light hearted, creative, amusing writing, Shirley! Very rhythmic too and of course, creative bio references!

    This post is one of the more humorous expressions of the amazing Earth Angel!

    anita

    October 7, 2016 at 6:10 pm #117469
    Janus
    Participant

    i think you may be right about steve being slightly intimidated by francine. she is quite fun to be around and confident in her actions, she’s not afraid to talk to someone she likes and speak her mind. steve is a bit more reserved, i have both sides, a reserved side and a fun side so i get along with both. most of my closest friends are laid-back, compassionate and fun to be around and they embrace me for being me. ii was quite shy in seventh grade when i met steve in science class b/c i was working on doing well in school, but i also had some confidence as well. i complimented him on his science project and he stayed to help me with a science assignment. i think francine needs to approach steve in a slow, laid-back manner like you said and maybe compliment him a little to get him to open up. also about the song, i did that all on impulse without prior thought. thanks for saying that it is good:) i think some of andrew’s good humor is rubbing off me. andrew is my ap biology partner and we always make each other laugh. he isn’t extremely confident, but he has a very optimistic and laid-back nature that is quite fun. i think i was thinking about him and how fun he can be when i wrote the song;) andrew can turn any serious thing into a funny thing and make you understand something well. i also can do that, but not when i have an inner bully in me. andrew and i make each other laugh and we don’t compete anymore. when we are talking, my inner bully disappears.

    October 7, 2016 at 6:23 pm #117475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Good Andrew didn’t compete with you lately and … is more laid back? Best is that when the two of you talk your inner bully disappears. The more you positively interact with good people in your life (good to you and for you), the less the inner bully will show its face (bullies retreat when their target victim has good company!)

    I do like the song very much- spontaneous Shirley can produce high quality creations on the spot!

    anita

    October 8, 2016 at 3:20 pm #117566
    Janus
    Participant

    also i shared the advice you gave to me about francine to her. thanks a lot:) andrew is very laid-back lately and his good humor is contagious. since he is my ap biology partner, some of his good humor has rub off on me and i also find myself cracking jokes and laughing at myself. we are both less competitive with each other and make each other laugh. this weekend, i am working on my u.s history ii project. i hope this project will bring my grade up, but i need to make up a quiz and a test from ch. 11 from the time i wasn’t there b/c i was in business/web at that time (business/web. in there for around a week and a half) however, it has already been around a month and i haven’t made it up b/c i had lots of after school stuff the past few weeks. i hope the teacher will let me make it up on tuesday b/c i don’t like the 65 that i see in the gradebook. i don’t have school on monday or wednesday due to holidays. this weekend i am currently taking notes on three chapters of ap biology, doing a u.s history project (due next friday, but getting a head start), studying for an ap calc test (next friday). i also am brushing up on my java skills in codeacademy b/c i am having trouble computer programming in eclipse software. it is like learning a new language and there are a lot of things to it b/c a computer cannot read messages like a human does, so you have to put things in specific cases like uppercase, lowercase, semicolon. a small error will make the computer confused. i am worried that i won’t be able to do well in ap calc b/c the chain rule is a bit confusing with radicals, fractional exponents and when you combine rules. i am also worried that i won’t do well in java b/c we have a project to work on tuesday and it is due friday and i am still working on understanding the coding language. i also have an ap biology test coming up sometime soon the week after next week. also i need to start studying for my sats, i wonder how i’m going to, but i’ll find time. the good thing is that my inner bully has not been bugging me today and it is enough to celebrate. in the meantime, i will continue to write poetry and prevent that inner bully from trying to sneak its way in.
    i even told the inner bully today (b/c i knew it was hiding waiting for a time to strike) “Dear inner bully, solve your own problems. i am tired of hearing the things that make you x (cross) or you asking y. x and y are on vacation studying ways to make the equations of life add up to a solution. i will cut the weeds of the inner bully before it grows in my garden of thoughts, i will snap the claws that try to snare me, i will slash the net that it tries to entangle me in. no inner bully, you will not win!”

    my ap biology teacher says that the human mind can only focus really well for twenty minutes at a time, so this is why i sometimes do work for a duration then rest and so something else such as post on this forum. also you are a great friend and give great advice:)

    October 8, 2016 at 5:59 pm #117569
    Janus
    Participant

    i printed out a copy of my inner bully song and i have been singing the lyrics in my head and laughing, i will pin it up in my room and sing that song every day.

    October 8, 2016 at 7:48 pm #117580
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Thank you for writing I am a great friend and give great advice. I hope it works for Francine, to talk with Steve. You have a lot to do and Sun, Mon before the school week starts. When you get stuck with a concept you study, relax, take a break (like you have been doing) and go back to it later. I like to tackle difficult things first thing in the morning when my brain is, as I say, fresh. And sometimes we need someone else to help us, to get unstuck. So switch to another subject and get the help you need Tuesday.

    Being calm and returning to calm does promote learning and intelligence.

    You wrote: “i will cut the weeds of the inner bully before it grows in my garden of thoughts, i will snap the claws that try to snare me, i will slash the net that it tries to entangle me in. no inner bully, you will not win!”

    You sure have a way with words, Shirley, I am sincerely impressed- and I am often impressed reading your poetry, even in dreams! and here: the weeds in my garden of thoughts, how original- I never came across this imagery. And of course, I like Snapping and Slashing the inner bully (nothing is too harsh when it comes to dealing with the inner bully!)

    I like you printing a copy of the inner bully song and pinning it up in your room. As a matter of fact, I want to print it up myself and pin it up somewhere visible as well. Print it in big letters, and in red, maybe:

    “You will never shatter my spirit, inner bully, begone!”

    anita

    October 9, 2016 at 10:45 am #117619
    Janus
    Participant

    i like your idea of printing the song ridiculing the inner bully in big letters and in red to make it eye-catching. i like to switch between subjects when doing my work such as i’ll spend 30 minutes on u.s history ii, then switch to ap biology for 30 minutes and go back to ap calc and rotate around and sometime in between rest and write poetry, post on this forum, sing and dance for a while. it helps keep my inner bully at bay b/c it still tries its little nudges into my consciousness. i had a dream last night that i was walking through grasslands near some mountains and there was a heavy burden attached to me by a heavy red thread. no matter how much i tried to move that burden kept tying me down. i got really annoyed at it, so i issued it to fight, upon i saw a shadow floating saying “ha, ha, ha” before it became physical, it was my inner bully. it threw rocks of insults (actual rocks with mean words) at me trying to crush me, but i summoned a strong wind to blow the rocks off course. then the inner bully pulled out a rapier (long, thin sword) and tried to stab me with it. but i called upon the divine and i received a sword of light that i held in my hand and raised high saying “begone, inner bully you will not win!” so we had a duel and the more i blocked the inner bullies blows, the more exuberance i felt. i brought my sword of light down upon the inner bully’s rapier and it shattered like worthless glass. the inner bully, however was not finished, it threw a dagger at me whom i side-stepped and blocked with my sword of light and it clanged useless to the side to become a block of wood. so the inner bully flew at me like a bat, all teeth and claws and it bit and scratched me. but i raised my hand to the heavens and i developed angels wings. my wings were golden and majestic filled with radiant light and i flew up into the air. the inner bully pursued me and i dived, then when it came close i spread my wide wings and out came a radiant light that wrapped itself around the inner bully melting it. i saw the shattered pieces fall to the earth as i stood as an angel on top of the mountain raising my wings to the heavens. i didn’t stay there for long b/c the buddha came down and transported me up to the sky where i became part of the universe and i heard “you have done well my child. you will continue to defeat the inner bully, for you are the essence of the stars. no inner bully has power over you. live forever among the stars.” so i saw my body falling away and i became a star.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Janus.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Janus.
    October 9, 2016 at 10:52 am #117623
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I read half your post and want to re-read it (it is so meaningful to me) and then read the rest of it when I return from the city, probably evening time. How inspiring- you fighting the inner bully, inspiring to me! This is probably the greatest enemy one has- the inner bully. Fighting it is most necessary and worthwhile.

    I like how you rotate studying different subjects and writing on this forum and dancing – excellent strategy. Till later in the evening, take care (sunny here, unlike yesterday).

    anita

    October 9, 2016 at 3:53 pm #117639
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks anita, you are the most kindhearted person i know. i am thinking of another poem called “Friend of the Stars”, “Soul of the Stars” “Soul Friend” and it will be about what a great person you are and how much you’ve helped me in life. i have to find time to draft it admist this work load that i have:

    ap biology ch. 11 vocab cards (around 15)
    ap biology ch. 44 and 45 take notes
    study for ch. 14 test tues. for u.s history ii (won’t be too bad, since u.s history is relatively easy)
    reorganize and revise my notes for ch. 6&7 for ap biology
    study for the ap calc test this coming friday
    study for sats sometime soon (really need to do this)
    complete project due this coming friday for u.s history ii (almost done, 2 more pictures and explanations to go)
    work on codeacademy to improve my java skills so i can complete the two projects due on friday
    also find a time to stay after with u.s history teacher to make up tests/quizzes i missed when i wasn’t in that class, hopefully if i can still take them, it will bring my grade up b/c that 65 is giving me some anxiety.

    October 9, 2016 at 8:15 pm #117658
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I can’t imagine the teacher will not allow you to do the make up tests and quizzes so to bring up the grade. She most likely will give you the opportunity!

    Once again, I kept your thread for “dessert”- the last to read before bedtime but waited too long. Will read with a fresh brain tomorrow morning and reply then.

    anita

    October 10, 2016 at 9:30 am #117697
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I read your beautiful, fascinating and inspiring dream about your fighting against the inner bully and your triumph. Indeed, the inner bully is a heavy burden to carry and indeed it wants to crush and destroy. So yes, we need to fight it, repeatedly. Just like in your dream, it is not easily defeated. It comes back again and again with the same motivation: to burden, crush and destroy.

    The imagery in your dream is beautiful. I can visualize it, like a movie, and the images are beautiful.

    I read your more recent post. Thank you for the comment about me- I do greatly appreciate your kind comments- makes me feel good reading them.

    You have a list of assignments to do- keep rotating, breaking the tasks with singing and dancing, maybe taking a walk outside (?), poetry etc. Looking forward to your next poem- but I am very patient. Take care of your tasks and yourself first and foremost.

    Back to your dream- what a beautiful movie that would be. Also would be in an illustrated book, wide pages with illustrations on one side and words on the other.

    anita

    October 10, 2016 at 11:49 am #117713
    Janus
    Participant

    ever since i joined art club, my drawings and artistic ability have improved and it helps me a lot when i have to draw cells for ap biology. also i like your idea of creating a book of images, i might create a children’s book about the inner bully and have pictures of it and an angel swooping in to destroy the inner bully. this is why i don’t get along with my parents:
    they try to trigger my inner bully by criticizing me for being weak, not smart enough, having my head in the clouds (but i am dedicating a week without the inner bully, i will not let the inner bully run my life this week, no matter what happens. i vow that this week will be a bully-free week and i will find authentic power)
    they never comfort me when i’m down and it’s hard to talk to them about my feelings b/c they will talk back and tell me “to deal with it.” or if the issue has something to do with someone else and i’m need help “they say fix yourself, don’t mind them. or mind your own business with them” (which is not possible b/c that person is usually involved with me somehow)
    they are very patriarchal and no matter how much i work out, do well in school, they focus more on my brother and praise him more
    every time i try to be optimistic or positive and assert my self-esteem, they say “you are being to prideful.”
    if i try to talk to them to seek advice for a friend who is LGBT or depressed, they say “she/he is crazy. you shouldn’t associate with them.”
    they bug me all the time to be perfect in school and sometimes when i take a break, they say “shouldn’t you be studying?”
    i am working on building my self-esteem up and not caring what they say b/c i am going to work on a no inner bully week.

    October 11, 2016 at 6:22 pm #117843
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    This is me. anita. My account was deleted, not by me, yesterday and I was not able to log in. Then in great discomfort I watched my name disappear and replaced by “Anonymous.” I am hoping my account will be re-instated. In the meantime, I am using the username my husband used to open an account.

    I am too tired to write much more. I was worried that you will think I disappeared like that. My goodness, I wouldn’t do that to you, especially, on the longest running thread on tiny Buddha.

    I started a new thread “A Message from anita” and explained what happened.

    Will be back tomorrow.

    anita

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