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  • April 14, 2016 at 12:57 am #101817
    LostandAbove
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m feeling a bit lost and just don’t see a way out…

    I used to be very positive and full of energy. Working hard to move forward in life, under the motto it will all have been worth it. I have met good people and I am gratefull of those around me. But I also have met a lot of people trying to demotivate me, pulling me down an dI allways put so much energy and effort in them in the hope that they wouldn’t be so negative in life and see the positive things. Yes that is hard and not fair, and allways looking for something possitive with them… Now they are happy and doing well, while I allways postponed things for myself – untill I finally chose for myself. Which for some reason anays a lot of people…

    Anyway I work hard through my studies, had no help. I had to work and study, which was hard. I managed to study a year abroad. Worked very hard for it – could only half enoy it, because did’nt really have the money for it. After my studies I worked a small job to save up, because i would have to do an internship on which you can not survive…

    And then only bad things came in my way… My first boss was horrible, and knowing I was a first year intern – he resented me for having to train me? If I had a question he was pissed off… He hired someone with three years experience and fired me. Our system you have to pay social and a lot of other cost while you are an intern, even if you don’t have a job. So all my savings went to paying the charges while I was looking for a new job.

    I found a new place 4 months later, but was used most of what I had put aside on costs – loan-…

    The new place started ok, but with no collegues and a boss allways out. I had to figure it out… The whole point of the trainig is to learn how do the job. Yet this boss is like ow your work is good, so also he puts no effort in me. I work allmost 52-55 hours in a week, but yet can not survive with what I am paid and all the costs.

    I had to move back in with my mom, work so hard to have so many debts. Have to lock myself up in the weekend, because to go out you need to spend..

    I am just trying to say: I AM TIRED – I keep working hard and fighting to go forward – but the harder I work, the more difficulties come in my way. MY question is: WHEN IS IT GOING TO STOP? when will all the effort have finally been worth it??? All and i mean ALL of my friends are married, having children,…. And I have nothing, I am nowhere in my life.

    Allways worked hard, could never fully enjoy – but told myself one day it will all have been worth it! but at the end of the day, I am the only failure. I don’t have the energy to fight and work hard, because i lost all hope! Before nothing could stop me, every difficulty I would find a way or see it as a lesson learned and find something positive and go on… BUT NOW I AM EMPTY. You can not for ever have the energy, if you never have a period that things are going ok – it doesnt even have to be well, just OK. But no.

    Just being able to rent my own place – thats all i want. but with all the costs of doiung an internship, it is just impossible. It will take three years before i can move out again. Which I can’t handle. I love my mom, but she is so messy – it’s like living in a dump, and after allways trying to clean and finding it the next day again messy because for her it is a new place to stuff with things… I CAN NOT KEEP ON LIVING LIKE THIS – allways so embarrased to bring people at home ( your smelly, messy home) which I stopped offcourse… and after working 10-12 hours and being exhausted all I think is: o no I have to go home…

    People I know that cheat, are hypocrites,… for them it seems like life goes well.

    I try to be correct, work hard, be supportive AND WHAT IS THE RESULT? I AM NOWHERE IN LIFE…I just don’t have the energy, patience anymore… WHEN WILL IT BE MY TIME? when will all the effort have been worth it?

    I am tired and just have to realize that I failed…. I tried, but failed. And have no idea what to do anymore… If this is my life,, it’s not worth it!!!

    April 14, 2016 at 4:08 am #101818
    HippieChick
    Participant

    First I want to say that I can completely understand your frustration with your situation. If I am reading correctly you are currently an intern which is causing the majority of your problems. However, I’m also assuming, that the intern part will not last forever and you will then be in a position to have more income. If this is the case then you are in a good position to end up much better off than all these friends you speak of. And you are doing a very responsible thing by temporarily living with your mother to avoid incurring even more debt. One of the only pieces of advice I can really give is to remember that all of this struggle is to better your life and yourself and will be temporary.

    The second bit of advice I’ll give is a little harder. You need to stop comparing your life with the lives of others. It only makes you upset and maybe eventually bitter to look around and say “I’m a better person than that so I SHOULD be in a better place”. Unfortunately in life it often works out that cheating, lying, manipulative people get very far and become very rich. I’ve always looked at it as…I may be in a worse financial situation or I may not have the relationship and kids yet but at least I can lay my head down at night and sleep knowing I’m not that kind of person.

    I hope this helps you a little. These are just my personal beliefs and thoughts.

    April 14, 2016 at 4:18 am #101819
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi lostandabove,

    I am sorry you’re going through this. I know your mom’s messy, but that is so great that you have somewhere to stay!! For the house go to Flylady.net. You AND she can use it. Soon the house will take care of itself, you’ll see!

    Your friends getting married? Well, two people supporting each other is half the work for each person. Right? It’s easier when you’re in a team. And the more they are supported by family or have some $$, the more they can literally “afford” to be a jerk. Not to be a marriage broker, but perhaps find someone you like to date, and one day get married yourself.

    The thing to do right now is earn, save, AND invest your $$. Get some cash flow going, even if you’re working in a book store, say. Or, join the military where they pay you a stipend. Pocket it all away. Don’t spend it. Then invest it and don’t spend THAT either. For one of our kids we put some $$ away in the market. And now her college is paid for. That’s how much your $$ can grow in 20 years. After that you can live off it to a degree. But don’t touch the principal!!! If you and your mom can buy a rental or rent out a room (now she HAS to keep the house clean! LOL), that is income for you too.

    There is no shame in couch surfing if you do it wisely. There is a light.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
    April 14, 2016 at 6:50 am #101824
    LostandAbove
    Participant

    Thanks Hippiechick,

    I used to have that notion at least… and didn’t compare myself (that much 🙂 ) it’s just like these days it just I am so down and just have no engergy, which scares me – because I don’t recognise myself. This is not me or at least wasn’t. I just needed to get it out! and you are right, the internship will end only two years and a month to go 🙂 It just feels like forever…

    Inky, the prob is not that I am not married… The prob is that I feel like I am surrounded by people that have their lives togheter, and have figured it out – while I remain… how do I say this: it just feels like I keep going backwards instead of forward. Seriously, being married and having children is the least of my worries now.

    I just want to feel like I started my life and not allways having to be in survival mode.

    But I guess it’s just a phase that we all have to go through 🙂 Knowing it and having to go through it are so two different things.

    Thanks to both of you. I guess I just needed to get it out… It will end one day 🙂 I’m just tired of having to remind myself every day, which sometimes makes me wonder if it really will end and then I get frustrated like I did today 🙂

    But like you both said THERE IS LIGHT, just hope that I will be patient enough to make it to the end of the tunnel!

    THX!

    April 14, 2016 at 7:59 am #101827
    keine
    Participant

    I strongly agree with HippieChick–it does you no good to compare your life to others around you. Those people who appear to have it all together are probably struggling themselves, though to the world they appear to have everything under control. You have plenty to be thankful for right now–you are able to stay with your mom, you are working and learning in a field that interests you, and you have the mental and physical strength to put your all into it.

    You could definitely use the support of people who can be a positive influence–your mom, for one. Is she supportive of your goals? Do you have friends around you who can encourage you? You don’t need to be married or have a romantic partner to receive the love and support of others.

    Things won’t always be this hard. Your hard work and perseverance will pay off.

    April 14, 2016 at 8:48 am #101836
    LostandAbove
    Participant

    Hi Keine,

    It is true. I am blessed in that way. I do have the support of a loving mom and good friends encouraging me…

    Anyway having said it out to strangers really makes me feel better. Strange but true!

    I hate saying it to my mom, because she gets sad and then blames herself of not having been able to do ‘more’ for me financially or beeing able to help me with my studies and allways having to see me struggle… and I am like: YOU HAVE DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH and you are a great mom and it is not your responsibility – you made me healty and helped me in other ways for which i am gratefull… so I am scared to be down when she is around because she immediatly blames herself for not being able to have done more. And it is not her responsibility – I am a grown up, which is why it is so hard for me sometimes JUST BECAUSE I AM A GROWN UP not able to live on her own… ANYWAY i will stop complaining. I just have to bite through 🙂 Like all of you said: ONE DAY 🙂

    THX for taking the time 🙂

    April 14, 2016 at 9:08 am #101839
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lostandabove:

    Your frustration is loud and clear.

    Obviously being positive and full of energy, hard working, working for many hours and for such a long time, these have been proven to be… not enough. I am supposing that something in the planning was faulty if your aim was to be financially better off than you are now. If that was your aim, then your choice of field of studies, your Major may have been incongruent with your aim, of you live in a place not congruent with your Major.

    The thought process has to be good before carrying out a plan, the aim clear, and the plan congruent with the aim/ goal. If this is not the case, all the positivity and hard work will not prevent the shaky base (the thought process/ planning) from crumbling.

    What do you think?

    anita

    April 14, 2016 at 9:51 am #101847
    HippieChick
    Participant

    One small thing that might help with the depression aspect (and the comparison with others) is, if you have it available to you, read a book called “Feeling Good” by Dr Burns. It is excellent at allowing you to see the thoughts and behaviors that you are doing that are contributing to your depression and helps you stop. It’s a great read even if you’re feeling great.

    April 14, 2016 at 11:56 am #101877
    LostandAbove
    Participant

    Hi Hippiechick,

    I love how you added – even if you are feeling great 🙂

    Thanks for the tip. I will surely check it out.

    Hi Anita,

    I don’t think I am the person who can give her vieuw on what you said – because I still am figuring it out…I don’t think i have enough experience.

    But my opninion at this moment is:

    I am not sure if planning everything is THE solution, because you never know what will come in your way. Life is funny that way! There are a lot of things that you can not even imagine. I think if you are strictly following a plan, that it can be hard if something unexpected comes your way??

    That is what I think! i do not know! I do not have a lot of experience with planning things out. I just thought of what I wanted to do in big lines and just figured the rest out while doing it. Which allways has worked out- untill now. If I made a choice, i did everything in my power to finish it and see where it may lead me… So maybe here and there i got distracted, but i allways thought of it as a new experience… well that’s how i saw it. Now sometimes I think this or that was a waste of time. but it is in the past, not like I can change it 🙂 and it allways has been an experience. not allways a good one, but an experience. Maybe now i am paying for that and yeah I am not where I thought I would be now – but not sure that I would change a lot if I could do it over… for example: maybe when I finished my studies i shouldn’t have worked all those years as a stewardess to save up money ( in my head it would be for a year, just to put enough money aside to pay the bills, while doing the internship – but I stayed longer then I should have. And at the end of the day in the months that i was out of work most of my savings were gone – so that didn’t work out great)

    If i hadn’t done that and started my internship in those days, it probably would’nt have been so hard on me as I am experiencing it now. On the other hand being a stewardess made me fluent in languages that are usefull for my internship. Did i plan it ,no – was it a positive aspect on my cv: i think so. Did i have stay there for 4 years, probably not but I got distracted and now it feels like I am paying the price – which is not the case and there are people in much worst situations.

    But I just have those days… like today… and then I go in extremes because I feel as if i am trapped and that there is no way out (I don’t know why i have this?) It’s the first time i am experiencing this and do not know what to think of it…. it’s scary of being able to go in such a negative pattern of thoughts.

    So I will surely go get the book “feeling good” HIPPIECKICK and hope this is just a phase that will pass!

    Ow and Anita, a good friend of mine had planned out his entire life – every goal, step by step. He was so used to everything allways going his way, as he planned untill one day he just collapsed (being in perfect health!). Now he can not stay awake longer then three hours and he can not have to much noise or other things that causes to much stimulation for the brain. Just because he is so used to planning everything, and now nothing going the way he planned… is really hard on him. The only way he could start letting go of his anger was by accepting that life never goes the way you plan. You just never know what will come in your way!

    But then again what do I know! I’m the one feeling lost and going through these extremes… maybe your way is better?

    April 14, 2016 at 12:07 pm #101881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lostandabove:

    I agree with what you wrote here: “I am not sure if planning everything is THE solution, because you never know what will come in your way.” Adding to it, I say: get all the information available from all the sources available, place the information in front of you in an organized way, study it, give it time to process and then plan accordingly the best you can. As you execute the plan, keep evaluating it for results and take in new information as it become available, and modify the plan. If it takes cancelling the plan, then cancel it, make a new one. It is a process. True: unpredictable things happen AND you incorporate these unpredictable things into your plan, evaluate it with the new developments in mind, and change, adjust, stick to it or abandon i

    I just read the story about your friend. It is not a good way to live, to be too attached to a plan, sure. This is why I suggested flexibility in the paragraph above. And sometimes, need not plan at all. Depending the topic. As far as investment of years in your life: studies, career, planning for such is wise.

    anita

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