How to get unstuck in life?

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 3, 2016 at 8:07 am #103449

Alex
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I’ve been in some kind of a vicious circle for the past 3 years. I had my first child, lost my job because I could not find adequate child care options for a 12 week old baby and neither my parent nor my in-laws volunteered to help. I realized that with any of my skills I won’t be able to land a job with a much better pay or schedule of flexibility than what I had just lost – and I needed both better pay and better flexibility now that I had a child – and started studying for a professional license in an area close to my education but an extremely complicated one for me. I had to hire a nanny for the time I was studying, since it was impossible to devote full attention to my kid AND study. I also took some occasional part-time work at the same firm my husband works in, basically earning peanuts, but just not to have a gap on my resume.
Then I decided (and my husband agreed) that it’s best to be over with the hard period of diapers and sleepless nights all at once, so… we had a second baby! And I am glad we did, and I think our kids are the most awesome beings in this world, but I somehow feel the past 3 years threw me back at least 7 years!
Right now I’m officially out of job, I continue to spend a lot of hours a day over books and I still have 3 exams to go, my husband fully supports our family AND we still have a nanny for both kids, since it’s cheaper than daycare. Had to dig into our savings, had to make some budget cuts here and there, and we’re obviously not starving and still doing ok, but as I’ve been working since 17 and now provide no income, but just consume – this whole situation sucks the life out of me!

I feel like ever since I became a mother my life has been a chain of wrong decisions. I worry about money all the time, and I worry about wasted time all the time. I often feel guilty for leaving my kids with a nanny – basically an outside person. I started to see some members of my family, as well as in-laws, under a totally different angle – over child-related issues and situations, and I do not like what I see. And now I worry about my kids seeing me as a… loser who could not get her life back on track.

I realize there are much worse things happening in the world, and every day I express gratitude for the good conditions we have, health and food. But there’s a catch: I always thought that as long as I was healthy, had food and shelter and there was no major disaster or family problems around – there was absolutely no excuse for me not to shape my life the way I want it. Yet now I’m in my early 30s, and it is as if there is always something in my way, no matter how good or strong my intentions are. There must be some brake that’s “ON” in my head, and something else deep subconscious, because my skin problems are also back.

I’m sorry if that sounds like a lot of whining (it probably is!), but I’ve just tried to present as many facts as possible in case someone has been through a very similar situation as resolved it successfully. I do believe in being able to influence circumstances in life through changing the way of thinking, but I don’t even know where to start. I feel completely blocked in my mind, with no way out.
Many thanks to anyone who can share a working strategy of getting out of self-created life traps!

May 3, 2016 at 8:23 am #103452

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alex:

I did not experience your particular situation: I never had children. If you’d still like my input, here it is:

You wrote: “now I worry about my kids seeing me as a… loser who could not get her life back on track.” I strongly believe that your two children will not see you as a loser because of being unemployed or without a career or bringing in income. They already value you highly by the very fact that you are their mother. You are the most important person to them in the whole wide world, and likely, always be. If you want them to benefit from you being their mother, be a loving mother to them: attend to them, pay attention, interact for their benefit. Being a mother is the most important- by far- job in the world.

I hope you view mothering as the most important career there can be. Then there is your career as a wife. This is very valuable as well. Do these two things well.

Regarding money and income, by being a good mother and wife, you make it possible for your children, when they grow up, to be way more capable to earn a good income. By being a good wife, you make it more likely for your husband to make a good living and to continue to do so. So your two careers: a mother and a wife do have very significant affects on financial present and future income.

anita

May 4, 2016 at 4:46 am #103546
Inky
Participant
Hi Alex,

We are not living in the Infamous Mommy Wars anymore. I’m a SAHM and when I want to work you can find me, like you, at my DH’s office part time. No one looks down on me. I choose to primarily stay home. Most of my mommy friends did make it back in the work place ~ when their children were at school. They were, let’s see, a para professional, a realtor, a coffee shop lady, and a teacher. Another friend hasn’t officially worked in eighteen years (!) She holds her head up, and runs the National Day of Prayer with me in our town. No one sneers at her. Trust me. She has a beautiful home, and is an expert budgeter!

Being an active mother of two can be put in a resume, actually. You can pad it up by being a community leader. Another friend ran a Pack for the Boy Scouts and put that in her resume, and they commented on it as they were Scout parents and knew how tough it was!

Give yourself a break. There are tons of being a Mommy on a Budget books. You will be doing your DH a favor by NOT shelling out more $$ for a nanny. Stay with your kids.

I have three kids and I can tell you without a doubt that if I weren’t a stay at home mom *they* wouldn’t have been as successful. I may get TONS of crap for saying that, but it’s true. Over the years I was the Den/Pack Mom, Charity League Mom, Church Mom, Room Mom, Sailing Mom, Chess Mom. I watched after the neighborhood kids, too. I could stay home when they were sick and pick them up during emergencies. I could travel with them during the summers for the sports which DOES happen during that time and for a lot of things. DD was in National Charity League and I made sure we did that during summers and breaks.

And if you continue to be a student, don’t beat yourself up for that either! You do you! Working part time at DH’s office sounds great too!

Been There,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
May 4, 2016 at 3:31 pm #103565

Alex
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind words! I do hope that I will become a person deserving full respect of my children.

I do agree that motherhood is a very serious type of “job”, a neverending one, and it does consume a lot of resources. The problem is that I… can’t really say it’s the most important thing I will ever do. One of the most important things – for sure, but I can’t put it in the center of my life. For some reason, as soon as I start prioritizing one area of my life over others – all of the areas suffer.
At the same time, I feel extremely vulnerable now: should, say, something happen and my husband and I break up – what would I do with two kids and a very mediocre earning ability? All this insecurity is getting to me 🙂

May 4, 2016 at 3:48 pm #103566

Alex
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thank you for your support!
It’s great SAHM-ing works well for you,and 3 kids – wow! I did want to have 3 kids, but obviously, don’t think it’s going to happen anymore…
I will definitely be lying to myself if I tried to persuade myself just being SAHM is what I would like to do. I have a couple of friend this works for, but I believe, I have a different type of personality, and then – I lack all the support they get from their families and husbands. And I do realize that it’s because I feel… on my own and tired most of the time that I can’t just “relax and enjoy it”.
And another reason I can’t just relax and let everything go is because I was planning on really integrating children in the life I had, while building my new life around them slowly. And now I realize I failed badly at this, and I’m stuck in my life, and if I don’t continue trying to push myself out of this – I’ll end up badly.

May 4, 2016 at 4:50 pm #103572

Mimi
Participant

I can understand that it’s hard to find your way out of feeling stuck when you feel like you are being pulled in so many directions.

First of all, try to schedule in some time for things to calm you, because the worry you are feeling can just really wear you out and make everything else in your life worse. Try to do some exercise and meditation (or even just deep breathing with your eyes closed) as early in the day as possible. Reducing your stress and increasing your energy will help a lot with these feelings you are having.

Secondly, try to not worry about things that probably won’t happen, like you and your husband breaking up. If you feel there is a serious issue already in your marriage, then get counseling together and work on it. Otherwise, just enjoy your time together and try to make it fun, and not all about discussing worries and problems.

Same thing with your kids. When you have time to be with them, try to be fully present. Enjoy the things they do or say. Try to have fun.

If you can keep the kids busy with their own things or when they are with a nanny, try to really focus on your studying and put aside all worries and distractions. If you try to do this with everything in your life – going with the flow, not anticipating trouble, giving attention to the person or task at hand, things will get better, I think.

I know it sounds easy to say all of this. Don’t expect to be perfect overnight. Changes and new habits take time. Just breathe, stay calm, visualize success in all areas of your life and see things as being how you want them to be (realistic goals and happiness). Visualization after calming breathing or meditation is especially effective.

Does any of this sound like something that might help you and that you think you could do?

Christine

May 5, 2016 at 12:56 pm #103648

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Alex:

One challenge you have is prioritizing activities. I suppose you can come up with the most important priorities and manage your time and resources to accommodate those. The lesser important priorities will have to wait for … later.

Another thing you wrote was: ” I feel extremely vulnerable now: should, say, something happen and my husband and I break up – what would I do with two kids and a very mediocre earning ability? All this insecurity is getting to me.” Often when people worry about the future, they are not paying attention that they are not managing the present well, and in so doing adding credence to their worries. Maybe you get overwhelmed with fear.

Invest your time in relaxation techniques and scheduling/ managing your time. Start slow, one step at a time (always, one step, one move at a time), and make sense of your present life. Do now the best with what you have. Slowly improve on the present, and over time (!) your future will be better.

TO reduce anxiety: a combination of relaxation techniques, healthy distractions, socializing, intimacy with husband, play time/ fun time with children (be a child yourself) AND more efficient/ effective planning and managing of your time and resources. Whenever overwhelmed start with small steps, be very patient and gentle with yourself. No improvement is too small to make and appreciate, and small improvements lead to greater ones.

Please post again, anytime.

anita
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