“The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.” ~Timothy Gallwey
Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you became devastated after many failed attempts to get it?
Has the same pattern kept repeating itself no matter how you tried to change it?
Have you ever longed for something so deeply that you lost interest in life when it didn’t happen?
There was a time when I felt this way. I was at a total loss for what to do next.
I wanted just one thing in my life, and I knew it would make me feel happy and complete. But it kept eluding me. The harder I tried to achieve it, the further away it became. I felt repeatedly heartbroken and cheated.
I didn’t think I was asking for too much. Many people had what I wanted. I had searched for years to find it and thought I deserved it. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t have a normal life?
I wanted to find my soul mate.
I kept trying, but I kept falling in love with men who couldn’t commit. Each time, my boyfriend and I seemed so compatible. I looked forward to every hour spent together.
I could envision a life together, and my boyfriend seemed to be on the same track. But one day he would drop the bomb—“It’s time to move on.” I heard the excuse, “The timing is not right” so many times that I resented it.
After searching everywhere for answers, I kept hearing the same messages:
- When things aren’t working, you need to stop trying so hard.
- It’s better not to be so emotionally attached to the outcome.
- Things will work better if you drop your expectations and work with “what is” instead.
This contradicted everything I believed in. I’d always gone after what I wanted. It worked while I lived at home and at school. Why wasn’t it working now that I was on my own and the timing was right?
What Stops us from Getting What We Long For?
Defeated, I searched further. I learned that often when we feel hopeless and stuck in life, it’s not just that we’re trying too hard, it’s that we’re trying to control things.
It’s not possible to have everything the way you want it. Too many other variables are involved—primarily what other people want. We all have conflicting wants and needs, and our desires are often thwarted when they conflict with what others want.
It took me a while to admit that I might be controlling. But we live in a society of achievers. People learn to go after what they want relentlessly, and that’s what I had learned.
Once in a meditation class I attended, the instructor compared his laid back, Eastern students with his Western students. He said Western students try to grasp in order to achieve stillness in meditation. Eastern students tend to allow.
With meditation, allowing is the only approach that works. Grasping pushes away the experience of peace. You must let go in order to sink into a state of meditation.
Next I learned something that was even harder for me to accept—the underlying reason that we try to control things. We do so because we’re afraid. We have deep-seated, often hidden fears about life. By trying to put our lives in order the way we want them, we feel more secure.
That idea took some serious introspection. But being honest, I finally had to admit that I was lonely and afraid of being alone.
That’s what made me so intense about finding the right mate. And my result was the same as that of the people who grasped to achieve meditation. I was chasing my potential mates away.
I was prematurely expecting each relationship to turn into a marriage and acting as if it was a given. I wasn’t being patient and letting things develop. It was too much pressure for the men in my life.
An Experiment That Can Change Your Life
After realizing I was suffering from the perils of being a control freak, I realized I had nothing to lose. Out of desperation, I decided to see what would happen if I had goals but let go and let things unfold without directing them toward a specific outcome.
At this time, I had also been laid off from my job, making things even harder because I viewed my career as the other part of my life that made me complete.
I started big by vowing to let my next relationship be decided for me. After all, my track record wasn’t so great.
I viewed this as an opportunity to start over without trying to control—without expectations—with less fear and more faith. I set my mind to believe that things would work out if I relaxed, trusted, and went with the flow instead of against it.
I began to follow Deepak Chopra’s advice of “being the observer” of my life. I calmed my fears by trying to be conscious that there is peace in the brief moments between our thoughts.
I began practicing meditation and yoga with a yogi who showed up in my life. I started walking for an hour every day with a girlfriend, Mary, who I’d just met in my company’s outplacement program. She had been laid off the same day I was.
My life changed markedly in a very short time. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have to be full of anxiety even if I was single and unemployed.
I checked in with myself and realized that in each moment I was okay. I could handle this. I could slow down, try to find the best course of action, and focus on how to change—how to be more relaxed by allowing rather than grasping.
I still had goals, but I started going with the flow and being open to other possibilities instead of insisting on specific outcomes I thought would make me happy.
Incredible Things Materialize When You Learn to Let Go
Although unemployed, I began to feel far less stress every day. It was like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t been happy with my job anyway, and it felt great knowing I could try something new.
As a result of meditation, yoga, and exercise, I was able to stop the depression medication I had been taking for several years.
I had tried to wean myself off of it before, but it didn’t work until I loosened up and started being open to this new way of life—experiencing the possibilities instead of directing things.
Surprisingly, I was enjoying this experiment. I felt like I was truly living life instead of holding the reins, hanging on, and being thrown off course emotionally when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I started seeing that great things were coming to me.
Dropping my fear let me experiment with observing what was going on around me and allowing things to unfold. I began to see openings and opportunities I never would have found had I kept trying to make things happen. It was like opening gifts.
For the first time in my career, I decided to start my own business. And instead of hooking up with another boyfriend, I found a group of like-minded friends who made me feel at home.
I found them by joining a group Mary told me about. They were studying a book called, “The Quest.” When she told me about it, I said, “That sounds like something I’m on.” It turned up at just the right time—and so did Mary.
It took quite awhile for the right relationship to appear, but in the meantime something valuable happened. I got to know myself better, and I grew immensely. I became comfortable in my own skin and even grew to love being single.
Later when I was happy with my life, I met my soul mate and husband, Mike, at a singles event. He is completely different from previous boyfriends.
I knew he was the type who wanted a commitment from the start. His eyes sparkled the first time we met, and he was genuinely interested to hear as much about my life as I was about his.
We have so many things in common. We share the same interests, we’re intellectually compatible, and we even like the same food and furniture. Where we differ, we are still compatible. It’s amazing to me how it all turned out.
There is no other way to know what it’s like to drop your expectations and go with the flow unless you try it for yourself like I did. There definitely is no way to trust it until you experience it working.
I’ve watched others go through similar disappointments in life trying to make things happen. Many of us are wired to pursue specific outcomes that we believe will give us security. If only we realized we could be happier if we open up and tap in to what comes our way while we’re busy making other plans.
About Jan Tucker
Jan Tucker is an author, speaker, and yogi who helps people transform their lives by returning to basics, finding their inner balance, and living a healthier, less stressful life. She teaches the many “how to live” concepts of the full yoga path. Visit PerfectInnerPeace.com/ebook for a free subscription to her online magazine and the free e-book, “10 Ways to De-stress Your Life Permanently.”
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Isn’t being the observer just an amazing tool, Jan! And ah, control. It lies buried when we don’t even know it’s there 🙂 Just love your story!
Thanks Susan! yes! Our control being buried is the crux of the matter…just an observation. ; )
Loved your story, Jan! I’m so happy that you eventually found not just what you wanted but something even better. Whenever I get anxious because I’m not getting what I want I remind myself to relax and wait for the universe to bring something much much better, beyond my wildest dreams. Thanks for reminding me 🙂
Thanks Valentina, I find that the universe is much more intelligent about what we really need than we are. When it brings us things we don’t like, it is also good because it coaxes us to change and improve. It’s when we’re on the right course–when we are aligned–that the magic can begin to happen.
Jan, your story inspires me! This week I was discussing with my yoga’s instructor how it is dificult for me finding time to meditate and she told me that it is dificult for everyone, even for her that is doing yoga for more than 30 years. That if we really want, we should make this a priority. So, since last Tuesday, I am meditating. This is my new intention. Hope so, I can transform myself as you did to yourself.
I’m routing for you, Lily! I heard this from a monk who studies Yogananda, and I always remember it: Whenever you’re thinking about something you want to do that is extremely valuable to your life but you feel you don’t have time, think of it this way: You can always find the time to eat, right? Sometimes you eat a little more, sometimes you eat a little less when you’re rushed, but you always eat! (He was talking about meditation.). It made me smile…and he is so right.
Thank you Jan! I am so glad to hear from you. I am even more confident that finally I am hearing and attending the universe 🙂
Hi Jan,
Thank you for your post! It contains a lot of excellent advice and wisdom.
Who is the author of “The Quest?”
Thanks!
Hi Dave, Thank you for enjoying it. Depending on where you are and what your belief system is (or what you want it to be), The Quest may or may not be the right resource. It is written by Richard & Mary-Alice Jafolla. I describe this book and others I recommend for different reasons on my website. If you’re looking for something specific, I’d be glad to make recommendations.
Great blog Jan. I’m going through a major life change and am leaving my marriage of nearly 30 years. And the hardest thing I must admit is doing it alone. So I am constantly working on everything I need to get my life back and happening but really feel the pressure of where I’m at because things have not changed or happened. So I’ve decided to stop and surrender. To accept and realize I am doing the best I can and even if I’m not where I want to be, I’ve done everything I can.
Hi rt, Surrender is a very powerful thing. It’s what letting go is all about. I could write a book about it! I wish you well on your new journey. Just remember, one step at a time.
Thank you.
Thank you for this wonderful blog. I am familiar with patterns of control…and I needed to hear this message. I have recently gone through a period of growth and I am open to the Universe and believe the outcome is better out of my hands.
Jeremy, It’s wonderful that the timing of this post was right for you. What an exciting time in your life. You’ll think back to these days and smile at the change in your perspective. Enjoy what comes!
Their has been so much in my life that i have had to question.My life has not been very simple.When thing are going good somthing seem to happen. But i am an optimist i also believe their is more to life then waiting for somthing to happen.If you believe in your self and your capabilities to achieve.To go higher then you thought was possible .
Hi Regina, Yes, that is the issue…when things are going well something seems to happen. John Lennon said “Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans.”
The question is, how can we best deal with the obstacles while moving toward our goals? Can we navigate the waters by heading straight for the waves? Will a 45 degree angle give us a smoother ride? Should we change course altogether and find a way around the storm? Should we head back and start over?
Life has infinite options and we are free to try them all.
Just what I needed to hear at this point in my life. I have such a hard time letting go of control. I never realized how much of a control freak I am until I couldn’t control my circumstances. It should be easy to relax and let go, but I’m going to have to be forgiving of myself and take little steps toward that goal. Crazy how hard it can be to relax in today’s world. Maybe my husband can help to hold me accountable 🙂 Thanks for the article!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lindsay. I think we all need reminders about this issue. I still fall into it sometimes. It helps to identify the underlying fear that is driving us to want to have control. Then we can work on letting go of the fear which is a really healthy thing to do! Good luck with your experiment! ; )
Wow, very insightful, especially about trying to control things and why we do feel the need to aggressively go after what we desire.
Jan thank you for writing this. The past couple of years have been hell for my need to be in control, absolutely nothing has gone my way. For some reason I think I need to master non-attachment, either just as a life lesson or something that will serve me in my career. I’ve spent most of my life in and out of depression and struggling with crippling anxiety, but I found God/Source and am slowly learning to let go of my attachments. The biggest one is probably my life purpose and career, I’m super ambitious and the timing just doesn’t seem to be right yet. Hard not to feel like a useless human being but I’m aware that the only way I can achieve true success is to be completely at ease with the possibility that I may never actually be “successful” according to society. I’m learning to be gracious, open, positive and deepening my empathy for myself as well as humanity, because what good is success if you can’t be a decent human being eh? 🙂
L, and then again you may “be successful according to society one day.” Sometimes when we truly let go, so much can change. It may not happen when we want it, but if we keep going, we often can’t imagine what lies ahead. Things come to us as we change and grow. Keep doing what you started because it sounds wonderful!
I can relate. I’ve been having this problem for years, especially the part that giving pressure to men and think that marriage will happen just like that. Having too much expectation. I am very anxious about everything and what I imagine about future most of them are negative.
When I read your story I feel a bit relieved that I’m not the only one feeling it.
I ended up aware that I don’t love myself and tend to blame anybody around me when things happen.
I wish I can be far more better and enjoy the flow of life.
Thank you very much!
w, keep working at it–loving yourself, and realizing that life can be your friend if you let it. Thank you for reading and commenting!
This doesn’t help me at all. All of this talk about letting go is only useful when there’s no danger you’ll end up in a mental hospital or damaged for life. Anyone who has gone through some serious hardship (not mere disappointment with life) will realize that if you don’t keep you feet on the ground, you’ll be overwhelmed and completely lose the way back, and there’s no way to look at this in a good light.
In any case, I’ve been struggling for years with a series of serious issues (health, spiritual, mental) and all I can say is that the only things I learned from this is: 1) not to conform our lives (and our understanding of our lives) to any doctrine or philosophy; and 2) that it it’s VERY important to make the world a better place to be lived on; and 3) losing the sense of an enclosed personality will lead you to break through isolation, which is the only thing that will save you from very difficult situations. No matter how well prepared and skillful you are, you cannot go too far all by yourself.
I have to say I agree with allowing things into your life, and that I find this article useful in some cases. There are points in my life where I can see myself putting all of this to good use, but right now is just not one of them.
With all of this said, I can only point out to the fact that we all come out wiser after the difficult trials of life. If anyone is reading this who is in some serious hardship, I can only tell you to learn the power of cooperation and solidarity. And after life is done abusing you, use that experience and make a vow of good will to help others in need. This is the only path to erradicating suffering from your life (and the world).
Believe me, it’s much better to work hard, making sacrifices to help others than to struggle to save your life when it is too late.
Otavio, thank you for your perspective. Absolutely, if a person is in a serious mental state, they should seek professional help. Any type of life advice when someone is mentally or emotionally unstable can fall short. That state can be separate from someone facing serious hardship, however. They may or may not be the same.
I was suicidal, not just disappointed, when my career and my love life fell apart at the same time. I didn’t have a support system or strong family ties to help me. My brother had committed suicide years before. As I climbed out, I learned to take life less seriously and to identify the underlying fears that were causing my deep despair. I gained a new perspective on life, and had far better results, by releasing those fears.
This post was overall good and inspiring. People have control over their lives in general, it took me many years of suffering to realize this. The more negative I am, the worse things tended to be. Get out there, have a positive feeling of yourself, never let others doubt or drag you down. No ones opinion of you matters…except you. Believe in yourself overall, push it and keep hope, good things will come eventually. There will be bad times to, but keep at it, that is just life:)
Hi Mickey, I, too had a serious problem with negativity. Thanks for bringing up the importance of feeling positive! It’s definitely a choice that improves so many things.
I needed to read this today, thank you. I’m in the stage of being stuck – unemployed, single, and sometimes hopeless. It’s even worse of a struggle when I only hear people telling me, “You just pity yourself and you’re pathetic. Go do something in life.” Hearing that only makes me want to quit even more because they don’t understand – I can’t force someone to hire me when they send a rejection letter. I can only apply for other jobs and keep striving at that. I stay productive all day with freelancing online too, however it’s not a livable compensation. For once in my life I just needed to hear some positivity about my situation, so I thank you for being that one instance. Take care.
I find it disturbing that you are giving women essentially the same advice we have gotten since time immemorial: let life happen to you, let the men make the decisions in your relationships, and take what you’re given (after all, “nobody’s perfect!”) I’m tired of being told that as a woman, I’ll “scare men away” unless I pretend that I don’t care about my future, and that I must be willing to “be patient” (in other words, wait indefinitely and hope that they’ll decide to give adulthood a shot). Giving up on one’s dreams is not a sign of maturity or spiritual progress; living one’s life without agency surely is not the answer. The sad truth is that real love is rare in this world; I don’t think any amount of time spent reciting mantras is going to change that fact.
Did the Buddha care? Does he live? Life only lives if you live with it, if you are without, you will be without it. As within, as without; the truest nature of the universe.
I don’t think that’s what the author meant… You are still in control, you can still make decisions if something or someone is for you or not… it’s just not forcing things.. A lot of times the things we want come to us just not exactly how we imagined and it doesn’t mean it’s in any way less valuable. We often clings to certain relationships when in reality when you let go something much better might come.. or Let’s say my friend who wanted be an actress and was struggling for like 10 years auditioning and stuff, finally agreed to an idea to collaborate with others and produce short films in which she’d play. That led her to being very happy, inspired and doing what she loves but it didn’t come in the way she initially wanted and was forcing for many years. Sometimes we don’t know that we’d actually be happier doing something else because we haven’t had any experience with another thing… so let life happen to you, you might be surprised by miracles it brings when you don’t try so hard. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have any goals or dreams and just sit and do nothing.
Need immediate help please help me
While searching on how to start to change my life …then found this 🙂 Reading this makes me feel more positive that i can really change…recently i lost everything home, boyfriend..job (its been difficult to stand up again ) . I just always stay in my parents house like nothing to do sleep,eat, sleep like everything is falling apart .. i really wanna change my life so bad .. I wanna make my dreams come true but it seems so difficult ( wanna work abroad and start all over again ) i think going to new place and starting again will make me more positive .. thank u for this advice
Exactly how I’m feeling right now, lost everything and staying with parents, i feel like going to a new place for a start over
25 and depressed
While searching on how to change my life, I saw this
4years relationship with the one I thought was the love of my life ended like a joke on my 25th birthday, I’m sad depressed, I can’t even concentrate at school
Right I feel like the only thing to help me heal is moving abroad and starting a new life but trust me when I say I don’t have a penny to fund my trip abroad
Life’s sucks
I’m in constant fear and I don’t even want to go out anymore and interact with people
Going through a similar situation right now. I loved this article. Soo many things to reflect on and it gave me hope. It’s been a year I’ve been jobless and especially my mom keeps dragging me to her sarcastic lectures. I understand her frustration but by doing soo she crushed my self-confidence and self-trust. I’ve applied for soo many jobs and it’s surprising that I didn’t receive a call from any one. It actually disheartened me and I lost interest in life. It feels like Life is taking a test, it wants to test my patience. After reading this article, it gave me hope and will definitely try things you have mentioned. Thank you for this wonderful writing! 🙂
Hannah, Thank you for sharing your experience. So many people are experiencing this same thing right now–you are definitely not alone.
What we are going through on the outside–especially when it is so tied to the economy–is not a reflection of what we are on the inside. It has nothing to do with our inner value and our true worth.
It’s so helpful to remind ourselves of who we are on the inside when we go through struggles like these. Make a list of your positive qualities and keep it where you can refer to it often!
Also see if you can get someone familiar with the type of jobs you’re looking for to help you take a look at your job applications and resume if you have one. Do some mock interviews to prepare for the times you get called. Make the most of them.
Read “What Color is Your Parachute” and other positive books about finding employment. Find other books that speak to you about self-worth and motivation. Surround yourself with this type of input to counter the negativity. I know you can do it!
Let it GO..it was never yours…
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When they come into our life, we never know which of these reasons they’re here for. It doesn’t matter. Embrace everyone equally. And remember you are also coming into their life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. Give them the very best of yourself.
Hi Jinal, this is a very helpful thought for sure! Thanks for adding it! It can take the hurt out when we feel like the season isn’t over yet from our perspective.
Thanks for sharing this Jan! I have the same desire about finding a soul mate, and I was thinking the same :Why cant I have it if everyone else does? How hard it can be? So I thought Im the only one in the whole world who cant have it! It is very helpful to read about someone who went trough the same and that it ended up in a great way. It gave me hope! I surrender to the process
Yuliya, you made me smile. You really picked up on that little point I think I only made once in the article, but that was an important part of the problem. I was comparing what I had with what I thought most others had. We can really mess things up by thinking that way and not being realistic. I just expanded on that thought in my reply to George above. Thank you for checking in!!
This article provides a great perspective on how to maintain while going through difficult times. What stuck out for me is timing of everything. For me I dont have any set expectations for anything bcuz I dont expect things to work out anyway. Either the timing is off or it’s just not meant to be. I’ve been struggling in alot of areas for years and things continue to get worse, even when I try different approaches. I feel defeated and drained, which often makes it hard to find the energy to try again or attemptt to move forward. My confidence is shot, my faith no longer exists, my depression has worsened, and I’m reminded daily that although I may be good, I’m just not quite good enough. I’m dealing w/ all these things by myself as I have no significant other, kids, close relatives, or support. It’s just tough. I’m trying to be patient, but after so long of nothing happening I feel like I’m only kidding myself and wasting my time on the hopes that something good is coming. It could just mean that I dont deserve to have good things to happen. It’s a hard concept to grasp, but at least I’d have a better understanding on why things never work out. All these thiughts are probably just the depression talking, but it’s how I feel right now.
Oh my! I’m sorry to hear how you’re thinking and I’m glad you saw something here that helped.
Yes, depression does make it harder for us to turn our thoughts toward the light. I often recommend a book that helped me greatly when I was depressed. It was recommended to me by a therapist long ago and I never forgot what it told me to do.
You can find it in the recommended resources section of my website. It’s the second and third book by Burns when you scroll down under the section Self help/Psychology: https://perfectinnerpeace.com/recommended-resources-to-improve-your-life/
It will help you to learn about replacing the downward spiral of thoughts with an upward spiral instead. When you learn about it–how the downward spiral works and what to do about it–life becomes much easier! Blessings to you in your efforts!
This all really hit home for me. I’ve felt so lost these last few years and when a romantic prospect comes into my life I do try to control it, even if it happens subconsciously. I’m a guy and I very much related to the need of desperately trying to find your soul mate. It consumes me to the point where I succumb to unhealthy behaviors and expectations. I do suffer with fear that I’ll always be alone and sometimes I feel like it’ll kill me. I will definitely try to take your advice and just let go while obviously working towards goals and self improvement not trying to force expectation on things and let the chips fall where they may. Thank you for writing this, it was so therapeutic to read 🙂
Hi George, I’m so glad this post helped you and I hope observing and letting go is working out well for you. I hope you are enjoying every moment!
Those subconscious (hidden) things we do are the hardest to root out for sure. That’s why being the observer is so powerful–that and quiet, alone time where we can introspect.
What surfaced as I read your comment is something I’ve observed in my own life as a result of having long periods of not having a love interest in my life, interspersed with having that special someone.
I noticed that when I was single I tended to idealize the idea of a relationship. In addition to feeling alone, my mind told me that other people who had someone in their lives were so fortunate and they must be so happy! This made me feel even more alone and like I must be broken. I believed I was missing out on life.
Too often we believe the grass is greener on the other side. We convince ourselves of it. We compare our lives to the ideal we believe we should be living up to.
After experiencing both being single and being married, I now see that the truth is, there are pluses and minuses to being single and there are pluses and minuses to having a soul mate.
Also, the reality is that a lot of relationships people are in are not working out. And not everyone is in a relationship–more and more people are single these days.
There are pluses and minuses to every situation in life. Remembering to be realistic can solve a lot of the problems we inflict on ourselves by the way we think.
It was healing for me to really look at this idea–maybe even writing down the pluses and minuses of each state can help us observe our thoughts very closely to analyze what is true about being “alone.” Are we deceiving ourselves by not seeing the picture clearly?
Now that I have my soul mate, I can look back and realize how much more relaxed I could have been had I known the outcome. I wouldn’t have had to take myself through so much torture and angst. A little faith that things will work out for the best if we allow it goes a long way!
No matter which side of the fence we’re on (single or involved), we are still the same person inside. The way we perceive things–our thoughts–completely determine whether we’ll be able to have a great experience or not.
Just thought I’d throw that in.
Hi Jan,
Thanks for sharing this article. I, too, am going through a similar phase in life where am trying too hard to achieve my goal but nothing going my way. Which makes me feel unhappy and depressed some times. But if we start giving in to situations, if we start rolling with flow, doesn’t that undermines the value of hard work ?
I guess the underlying puzzle which confuses me is hard work vs destiny. I have always believed in hard work. I read many stories about great people changing their lives with hard work. Of course, in last two years that believe is shaking up but I haven’t given up on my hope. Should I roll with situation and stop trying ? Should I believe that no matter how much you work, if its not destined, its not going to happen ?
Please let me know your perspective.
Hello Puneet, very interesting perspective and questions. This has turned into a long answer.
I need to explain that I am not saying “going with the flow” means not trying, not working hard, and not having goals. On the contrary, I am still a very goal-oriented, sometimes still even a driven person. I am doing multiple things all at once to move my life forward to work toward my passion. Many things have changed in my life since I posted this article, in fact–due to hard work.
As a result of working hard every day, using my talents as a writer, and as one who believes in helping others and doing whatever I can to improve the world we live in, I was finally led to work that I can claim as my passion.
I was not following this path before. Instead, I was following the path society gave me. I have an MBA degree and I was working for corporate America. I was very unhappy in this role for several decades!
Since the economic crash, when the industry I was working in at the time disintegrated around me and my job went with it, I tried several different approaches to get back into the career stream–but this time I did it as my own business rather than working for others.
This took a number of years to work itself out. I worked first toward being a freelancer, representing a company that provided services for magazine publishers. After a few years, that failed because advertisers weren’t paying my customers, the magazine publishers, and many small- and mid-sized magazines had to shut down.
Next, I have a love for natural products (both for personal care and for use in the home), so I created an Internet retail company offering the best products I could find that had no harmful chemicals. But I couldn’t get it to work well enough to make a living. Finally someone hacked the website and I would have had to start all over, so I decided to put it on hold.
Next, I started an online magazine to help people follow a path of thoughtfulness, truth, and introspection rather than following societal norms. That magazine is still going strong (it’s the one linked to from this article).
It was in going through this process and taking all of these steps that I found something even better. And it came to me because I had my eyes and mind open to read the signs that were coming to me.
During the last two years I became a certified Qigong healer, taught by an International Chinese Qigong Master. I am now using Qigong to help people heal from all types of physical, emotional, and mental imbalances and illnesses.
I volunteer for a local nonprofit to provide healings to cancer clients. I have other clients of my own, I am leading Qigong movement classes both online and in-person, and I am writing a book to spread the word about Qigong and its many advantages. I will continue to keep the Perfect Inner Peace website up and I created a new website specific to Qigong.
Finally I am doing something where I feel I am making a real contribution to society. And I have found that since I became certified, things are coming to me rather than me having to try to find them and make them happen. There has been no beating my head up against the wall. There have been no roadblocks. This is a very new experience for me, and I am enjoying it immensely.
This is what I’m talking about. This is the result I believe you can get if you drop “controlling” behavior and begin to have faith that the right things will come to you so you can “roll with it.”
All of this came about not because I sought it specifically, but because all my life I have been subjected to extremely bad and long-lasting annual bouts of bronchitis. My acupuncturist, who is one of the 10 best in the world, told me about four times in four years, “You need to do Qigong.” She would just repeat those five simple words to me each time–in the same tone of voice and with the same direct look in her eyes–indicating that I needed to learn it for my own health. It was so subtle that I didn’t listen right away.
Since I was working so hard at my business during this time, it took me a long time to find the time to seek a Qigong teacher. But I only had to make one phone call when I began my search. During that one call I asked one simple question about what I should do to start practicing Qigong. The healer on the other end of the line told me that a Qigong master was coming in two weeks to a town one hour away from me to teach several levels of Qigong–“You should take his classes,” she said.
During day one of the first class, I realized that Qigong was my calling. All along in the back of my mind I had wanted to be a healer–actually a healer and a writer. But I kept thinking it was too late for me to start–I had been trained in business, not in a health field. To top it off, the Qigong path runs in direct parallel with the path I am writing about in Perfect Inner Peace. All the concepts are the same! It’s amazing!
This particular Master made it his life work to teach Qigong to people in the US and worldwide–he made it simple enough so we can all learn to use it and use it effectively.
All of these things came together in my life in one single day to send me on a path that I feel great about! It took a long time for me to find this, and it still feels like a miracle to me. I went through a lot of hard work, self-doubt, striving, and above all patience–telling myself that if I kept my eyes and heart open, I would one day finally be successful in my search. I knew I didn’t want to return to working for someone else. And I knew I needed to change my approach from insisting on my way to seeking clues that were trying to lead me in the right direction.
The path I follow has paid off for me. And now I am helping many other people live healthier lives. It is so gratifying when I perform a Qigong healing and it helps someone to heal and release their burden. If you could see the gratitude in their eyes, you would understand what I mean.
Along the way, I dropped my incessant insistence that I make things happen the way I believe they should happen. Had I kept doing that, I probably would have looked for another corporate job a few years ago, where I could keep earning a very good living while still feeling miserably tied to a job that I didn’t think either used my talents or helped other people in a meaningful way.
I hope this example expresses my message a little more clearly. What I’m saying is yes, do your work, learn, teach, try…do whatever you feel you need to do in order to reach your goals, to make yourself happy and hopefully to make others happy. But keep your eyes open for the signs to follow to know what step you should take next–rather than following a path that is replete with roadblocks, and one that makes you unhappy.
Things fall into place more when you are going in the right direction.
Also, what I’m saying does not work is to get too attached to the outcome–to be too controlling in insisting you get what you think is best. You may be limiting yourself if you keep going after something when roadblocks keep popping up everywhere.
Roadblocks are a sign that something is not working.
I didn’t comment about “destiny.” That’s another discussion. But I do believe you can change your destiny. I think we learn from our past actions, whether good, bad, or neutral. We can correct things in the past we haven’t done so well that might be coming around again to test us. And we can benefit from the things we have done well that are coming around to help us. I don’t think we are “doomed” to repeat the past. If we have good intentions, a good heart, and we want to do what’s right, things will convene to help us in our efforts. It’s still not always an easy path, but when we succeed we will feel the lessons we learned along the way were worth it.
If you believe in freedom of choice, doesn’t that conflict with the idea that we can only achieve what we are destined to achieve or be what we are destined to be?
I spoiled my career. Now I have nothing to do in this life. My dream is just faded away. I have no way in the life.
I feel this more than you may believe. I have lost my job 5 months ago, had my first newborn baby delivered 3 months ago, had no gifts to bare or let alone food for my fiancé this holiday or since 2 months ago after the hospital bills ate at my savings and credit cards for my lack of work. My credit score has dropped 200 points in the last year alone… But here I am, looking for other people to relate to; in a sense, receiving motivation to keep moving forward. Because I know I am not alone and neither are you my friend.
A Rose is a Rose from the day it’s a seed till the day it’s blossomed. All its life, going through constant state of change; all the while, at each stage of change, beautiful and perfect just as it is.
We will have moments of negativity in this life, that is unavoidable. One can not know what happy is if there wasn’t the opposed. But it’s what we do in the times that seem the hardest, that make the most impactful change in destination for our future.
Hi, I have been going through all that you have spoken about. And have got very Inquisitive about your idea. However, could help me understand it better – what does let it go mean?
Your advice is very nice: going with the flow & watch how things unfold. That’s a kind of peace itself. Then things will start to fall into place!
I think a lot of people are feeling down with everything that is currently happening (the pandemic, the lock down, declining economy, layoffs, no money, social and political unrest, nothing to do, no where to go, nothing to look forward to, lots of worry/stress/depression/boredom, etc.).
I can’t believe how I identified with this blog post. I felt it was written exactly describing me. I have tried everything under the sun doing mostly the opposite of this.
I guess I have nothing to lose by trying this approach, so I will.
I have lost everything through series of unfortunate events & contemplating ending it all. I have no car , no friends , no money, no career/job, future , or any form of love. Nobody cares about me and I’m beyond tired of life itself. Most people don’t understand have nothing and no one . Nothing in this world to hold on to not even with in yourself.
i feel the exact same way. and i am have the same reality. no money, no career/job future, no friends and no form of love. everyday seems like an endless stupid spin on a hamster wheel. putting effort in and ending up with just more nothing. its unfair that other people die…people with jobs, friends, family….they go early and meanwhile, i stay alive. uselessly. i often feel like i am taking valuable air and space and i should be dead. but i live on. of course i am physically fit and very strong. so i probably will live this stupid useless waste of space life for a long time to come. 🙁
Don’t say like that bro, we also have a day. A day for us it will come wait patiently and work hard bro . I dont know in what condition you are in now but still don’t loose hope brother🫂.
Same. Two people told me this – “it sound like you want someone to hold” and I replied – I do want someone to hold. Or “it sounds like you want a job you can hold onto to” – yes, I do.
Well, I got neither. Sometimes I will hold on to a job for some time – 8 months longest at one but then for internal/external reasons I always have to finish it. I was told it is good to be with people who can relate to us. Also, I hear you about ending it all, and I do not want to encourage that, but I am not sure what else to say to discourage it. May God/source be with you, in your favour. If my humble prayer counts. I try to be a decent person so maybe. (I understand you may not be spiritual/religious).
Hello Jan,
Hope you’re okay.
I loved reading this article. I can relate to it so so much. I also struggle to maintain the peace as everyone around me knows what they want to do, some of them are employed, some have enough money to travel. Then there’s me who’s unemployed and really is looking to travel to become the best version of myself. I’ve struggled with my finances for a long time and I know that I deserve so much better. I have learnt to be grateful for all the good things and all the bad things in life, and I’ve also learned to be patient with the universe. I’m a spiritual person, it’s part of my everyday life! I meditate everyday and learn to observe my life and the people around me. I understand that the universe has bigger plans for me, but I’m getting to the stage now where I’ve been through so much and been waiting patiently to have my breakthrough and to find my soulmate. I’m in the same situation you mentioned in the article. I’m unemployed and still haven’t found my soulmate. I’m turning 27 in a few weeks time. So my question is how do I keep the faith with the universe even when I’ve been waiting patiently for a long time? 🤔
I would love to hear your advice, thank you. 😊 ❤️
I just came across this article while sitting in a church parking lot (I just dropped off my daughter at a dodgeball youth group)…. I have felt so depressed and down lately. Nothing and I mean nothing is going right. And this morning my favorite best friend in the world…. my hamster Stuart Little and a seizure or a stroke. I could not stop crying. My heart aches. I know it’s just a hamster. But he’s been there for me during the hardest part of my life. I’m a single mom, losing weight from stress (before I gained because of menopause) I feel like a failure and not a good role model for my 15 year old beautiful daughter. My boyfriend (ex now) were together for 10 years. I ended up having broken heart syndrome because I found out he was seeing the neighbor. Anyway, I’m jumping around, I know. But this is how my mind works. I can’t find peace. I’m over sleeping. I’m trying to
find the right meds and have vowed to never have another hamster or boyfriend. I don’t even want to see my friends. I’m 52…. I also hate the new apartment my daughter and I moved into. It’s so dark and gloomy. (My landlord sold, so we had to move and they’re was nothing else available. My neighbor smokes and I just can’t believe he can’t think of other people. I desperately try to think if the positives… but I’m so depressed and angry at every little thing. I thought i truly had my soul mate. The thought of dating again makes me sick to my stomach. I’m so lost I don’t even know how to end my comment. I guess Lost in Wisconsin works.
I am trying to understand this article and at the same time relay it to my life. So, I have never been the one to have strong expectations in life – and if I was then I am not aware of it – perhaps sometimes I would get angry if I felt someone was too demanding with me however. I had strong hopes of a specific future – mainly a soul mate like the author. As more and more years passed and I never met him and not even a real boy friend to do things with, spend quality time with, like one another mutually, I just got hopeless in my heart/mind. I used to have such hope that it would all fall into place. I have read about others who also thought things would fall into place but they didn’t or who became lonely after a loss. For some it got better, but with a new normal or open to new things/comforts as the article seems to perhaps suggest. I am it seems to me open to life, I am open minded at least but my heart is still lonely. I am not sure that I am grasping the help message for my situation of this article – ? Also, I never tried to put expectation on anyone, however I was also turned away but for different reasons as mentioned by the men. However, maybe they were also scared of me since I wanted it so much – needy women scare commitment phobic men away. Basically it is just never ever mutual in my case, and if it is mutual – the odd time – that would be as friends/companions solely which I still value a lot. I would have this impression in my youth that everything would just fall into place – maybe because it mostly all did fall into place (minus the traumas I experienced in life). But it didn’t happen that way. I also feel like it is over due because for life to allow me to fall into such a dark / lonely place is not right/good. But maybe there is some thing I am not doing right, and so this is the result. I can be a spiritual person, and it seems when I am lost and thereby seeking is when I become more open to that. I hope my message/contemplations come across clear in this thoughtful rant of sorts.
Hi,
My name is Karelyn. I’ve been learning a lot about myself, and I learned that wanting some thing versus longing for some thing or two completely different things for me. We all want stuff but I feel like wanting something is selfish depending on how you look at it if you want something because it’s for you and it’s for selfish reasons or you feel like it’s going to solve a problem or you feel that’s all you can get your not doing it for the right reasons. For me I long for things I want to touch things because I honestly feel deep down in my soul that what I long for, what I placed on the high above’s feet is to bring a purpose, it’s not for myself it’s more for filling those holes and making them look beyond. I don’t have expectations. I think that people go through unrealistic expectations which are true. I think that we have a specific day, year or a month that we need to accomplish things. for me I don’t expect anything or want. it’s more of like what’s in my heart what settling in me it’s not just for me, its to share it with the world, to fill them up inside. So my question to you is when you feel something strongly in you and it’s not a want but you continue to push through, and you let it go and you don’t have any unrealistic expectations, What happens? Do you continue to go with the flow and believe or do you prepare yourself for disappointment? because for me, I am really the type of person who doesn’t want anything you know who doesn’t expect or think I’m deserving of anything because I feel that I am too ordinary and normal to actually receive these things. I always think that everything is going to lead to a disappointment that everything that’s in me is a disappointment, but I’m answering for the high mighty up above, so what do you do?
I lost everything (except my life) about 10 years ago. What a difficult time. I felt so singled-out by the universe, like something was ‘out to get me’ and I had no visions of any kind of future. All I had left was the basic desire to survive. Having tried to end my life as a teen (I am 60 now) I am grateful that I did not try that again when I was so down at the age of 50.
I am in a tough place yet again and floored by the fact that I can still feel so down, so lost, even though I have been through a ‘total stripping’ a decade ago and survived it AND understood later that it was a huge gift….. it allowed me to grow. Sort of like a shrub being severely pruned and coming back in full glory because of it.
So why am I unable to summon the peace now? Physical pain really gets in the way. It is very very difficult to orient the mind towards peace and hope when one is experiencing unrelenting pain.
I am often able to ‘ let go’ when many things go wrong, but how impossible it is to ‘let go’ when one’s body is tensed up from pain. Meditation does not help. Only powerful meds that knock me out so I don’t feel said pain is helping.
Looking for advice from others walking this path!!
Hello Dorothea , I read your message and thought of sharing this with you . I do not know what sort of physical pain you have and the reasons however only medication alone is never a good way of solving this . If you have real physical pain then instead of going to a regular doctor , see if you can meet a doctor who can help you understand the mental patterns or reasons for this pain and start a treatment which is holistic ( than just giving pain killers ) . Once you can reduce the pain or a holistic approach helps you to an extent , then you can pay better attention to Your Life. I do not want to make this a long sermon but 1 thing will say with Conviction – if you believe in God , then go to a place of worship or any place where you feel LORD’s Presence . Stand tall and talk to LORD , walk with HIM everyday . Give it some time and I can tell you Your Life will be all worth it . Regards Supriti
Thank you Jan for sharing , so many sentences written by you felt like I am speaking ! I pray the best life to you , to me and everyone else who truly needs the same
I pray constantly and ask God to help me through the present difficulties, no work, no money, being evicted and having no place to go; so what is so great about living with all these problems and no one to help; they miracles happen – well I am waiting for one right now, June 30, 2023, Vancouver, BC, Canada
Disgusting, putrid advice. Absolutely unfathomable someone would post this garbage.
This advice made me feel worse and I’m tired of being “open” to the possibilities I’m so tired I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.
This article made me feel way worse it’s the same advice every time.
I’m 60. A failed marriage, a series of failed relationships since. The relationships all fizzled out in curiously similar terms. 18 months to 2 years, and it seems once my partner sensed the dimensions of the vast empty space inside me, decided that they didn’t want to be with me. I have accepted that the problem must be me ; the intense longing, the acute sense of loneliness. I meditate, do yoga, go to therapy, but nothing changes. When I meditate often the same sadness returns, but with accrued intensity. I do not find the popular mantra that one must love oneself before loving another to be tenable. I think it is more of the same autonomous, siloed individualism that capitalism favours, the opposite of a sense of community. I do not think that I am a narcissist , however the abject loneliness, the inwardness that I experience only pushes people further away and keeps me overly self involved. After a lifetime of trying to manage this, I am at a loss as to what else I could be doing. I did suffer neglect and some physical abuse as a child and have discussed this in therapy; I am sure that it has something to do with it. But I am reaching my limit; I don’t want to continue if life is going to be like this. It is as if the choice is between dying alone, or dying alone at a time of my choosing. The latter has taken on the aura of autonomy and even courage, since finally I will be the one deciding my fate, not circumstance, and not the ripple effects of a hard childhood. I simply don’t see a way forward for me.
Daniel
-Go with the flow and tap into what comes our way…-
This makes me even more confused, since in my case i am trying to go for a direction but not a specific one. I am on the lookout and just everything so far doesn;t seem to be a fit, when i desperetaly want change.
If i just sit still and not look for things, realistically, what will come to me?
I extensively let go, to the point where I was traveling with a backpack and sleeping in the forests. It was an absolute nightmare. The only thing that is soothing me these days is that I DO have some control, that the places you get to are born from what you have in front of you.