Hi Janine,

Forgive yourself – no matter what it is. You can not heal, change, improve and find peace within if you do not do this first.

Accept what is – whether you agree/disagree/like/hate what has happened, or what you (or someone else) have done. Simply accept it fully.

Past is past – it is only a memory now. These memories can affect your now, in the present moment, but the act is already gone. For you to find love within yourself once more is the path to healing.

Share – when you are ready. We are here to learn, grow, discover self love, consciousness and find our inner peace so we can share this with others.

Best

Evan

Dear Janine:

Shame is a painful experience. I am very familiar with it. Healing is possible. I know because I am in the process of healing for the last five years and ongoing. I used to be convinced that there was something wrong with me, something inherently wrong, faulty, inferior, weird, abnormal, unacceptable, bad. And guess what: I was wrong believing those things.

Shame did cripple me, how could it not. And yet, there is hope. Can you imagine? You do sometimes imagine it, don’t you? Standing up tall with your head held high. Did you feel it for a moment here and there? Those moments can get longer and longer and then, over time, you look in the mirror and figure: hey! There is nothing wrong with me after all!

anita

Dear Janine:

There is no short cut to healing from deep shame. Psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist will start you on the healing path. There are ways to feel better temporarily- the brain does it no matter what, take a break from misery and feel better here and there. But to heal from long term shame, that will take time and work.

A long time ago I read a book by John Bradshaw: “The shame that binds you.” (Or Healing The Shame that Binds You, something like that). If you google it, you can find quotes from it online. See if he speaks to you. Then maybe get the book.

anita

Why are you ashamed of yourself? We all make mistakes… we are not perfect, we are human. I do believe we are made this way because if we were without fault we would not need others… we would not reach out when we feel lost.

I think sometimes our shame is because we cannot share the burden of the feelings we have… at some point you will have to deal with whatever it is and then set it down and forgive yourself. I will tell you I have a lot of things I regret in my life, I have done things that I am def not proud of… but talking about it, def has helped. Before I married my husband (20 years ago) I told him everything… you need someone you can tell, to me it was a cleansing.

I love this story… here it is used for forgiveness, but I also use it for myself for when I worry…
Once there was a sage who asked his disciples to carve out names of the people they cannot forgive on potatoes, one potato for each name. Then, the disciples were asked to put all their potatoes in a sack and carry it with them at all times for one week.

The longer time went by, the heavier the potatoes seemed to have become. To make the matter worse, those carved potatoes also started to rot and smells bad. It was such an unpleasant experience for the disciples.

At the end of the week, the master asked,

“So, what did you learn?”

At once they disciples told the master that they now realized that holding on to grudges only brought negative things to them. Asked how they should go about correcting it, the youngsters said they should strive their best to forgive everyone that used to cross them and made them angry.

To me the story also means to stop carrying around that shame you have, or the worry we have… just a thought…

Hi Janine,

I too have gone through times of extreme shame, feeling like I am a mistake. I read Daring Greatly by Bréne Brown and it helped change my views on shame. Reaffirming that you are worthy of love and belonging is extremely important, and being aware that you are not alone in your struggle is also important!