Hi @ladybug2014,

I can definitely relate! I’m in my late 30s and I too have gone through “friendship dry spells” several times in my life. Hopefully what I’m about to write proves helpful to you:

I know this is cold comfort, but your situation is not unique. The post college years are tough when it comes to making (and keeping) social ties. You no longer have the benefit of school to introduce you to a fresh crop of new people every quarter/semester who you will have at the very least nominal things in common with (age, area of study, etc.) Plus everyone is being scattered to wind by relocating for jobs, getting married, starting a families, etc. Then there’s the added challenge of what you so perfectly described (and is sadly becoming an epidemic) of folks either unwilling/unable to adhere to the most basic manners and respectful behavior. People pay more attention to their smartphones then the person sitting across the table from them. They break plans with no thought of how it may affect their friend, often just because they couldn’t be bothered or found something more “exciting” to do. (Comedian Aziz Ansari brilliantly talks this in his stand up routines – he’s on Netflix if you want to check ’em out.)

I just painted a bleak picture for you, but I promise you it gets better. Eventually you will meet like minded people either through work, your significant other, a hobby, activities, etc. These bonds will take longer to form, but they will be of stronger mettle. As long as you do the work of getting out of the house/apartment you will eventually cross paths with other women who are as hungry for a quality friend as you are. Another key is letting go of expectation – just like with romantic dating, if you do something with the intention of “I’m going to X so I can meet somebody” you’ll most likely exude this desperate energy that will repel people. Another positive thing about the post-college years (and it sounds like you’re already well on your way in this department) is you’ve dealt with enough flakes that you start to get really good about seeing “red flags” (like the neediness) in folks and know not to invest energy into that individual.

So hang in there! All things have their season. I’ve probably gone through 4-5 sets of friends since leaving university. I’m grateful for the time I spent with all of them, but as we grew and changed as people it wouldn’t have been authentic/realistic to keep them in my life forever. Sometimes I miss them, and sometimes the parting was painful, but their departure made room for the current crop of remarkable ladies (and a few gentlemen) I have by my side today. I have them now because I was equal parts patient, lucky, AND I didn’t settle just because I was lonely.

Best wishes to you my dear! I’ll be sending good vibes your way and truly hope you find some remarkable souls to share your life’s journey.

Dear Ladybug:

You are welcome. Every relationship you have should be a Win-Win relationship. So it makes sense that once these friendships were not a Win for you, you felt frustrated, that you should charge them, so you get a Win out of it.

anita

Hi Ladybug,

I see that you’ve received a lot of good responses here and I agree with everyone who says you’re not alone…this problem is so common and I’ve been experiencing the same thing for the last few years. I am in a wonderful, long-term relationship with my boyfriend and even though he’s thoughtful and understanding it just isn’t healthy to have only one person to go to! I totally understand where you’re coming from. Anna makes a good point, perhaps you should look inward to discover why you’re attracting a certain “type” of friend, but what if you journey inward and realize that it’s not you, it’s them? Perhaps the reason these kinds of friends are coming to you is because they’re not made up of “good friend material” and they bounce around from person to person and periodically land on you?

If this is the case I have a different suggestion for you — look to “expat groups” or “new to the area groups” online for your community. People who have just relocated love to make friends with a local and I’ve met some really amazing people this way. Try searching on Facebook, Meetup, or NomadList — or even think outside of the box and rent out a spare room on Airbnb. You may end up with friends all over the world rather than a close community here, but talking to interesting people other than your partner will do a world of good, I promise! Consider signing up for local yoga, fitness, or acroyoga classes and make sure you attend all the same classes so people will start to recognize you. Try searching for a beginner level of something a little off the wall so that everyone feels awkward and uncomfortable — it’s the best bonding experience!

Best wishes!

hi…so true.
other thing i found is “expectations” …
how expectations can create distances…ur friend wants u to be full time story telling…n complains if u dont share something wrong…where u dont thing if something is wrong. or sometimes people try to solve their own problems and does not need constant “status update” to anyone; coz they r no-where inn life. n somehow distances r increased.

i think many of us face the same problem “no-close frnz” but we should also seek “why” over here.
as @miniaturebodhisatva told… we r in life crisis…. where we r finding our careers , marriage, sttelement…
n other people mi8 be on pg 60 or 100 n we r still on 20….
so tht is another reason in my case…
though we talk… but there is lack of bonding.

yesterday only i was in tears remembering old days with my bestie… hez now married. but he was more a knda girldfriend i would need.
tension free sharing… fun loving ideas…n adventures together.

i think when we ll be in some stable phase of life.. we might get a good frn again.

n if u want…we can be frnzz too 🙂
we share our tiny buddha together 😉

cheers.