Dear anita,

I had hoped to be able to pop back online shortly after I left earlier but my day didn’t unfold that way.

Its ok with me that we disagree. I can respect that. I don’t doubt there will be other subjects where we have different points of view as well.

There’s another subject that I would like to post here. This post is a bit out of left field but it’s the underlying issues that I really want to work out.

I see some women that are always put together (hair, clothes, make up and accessories) and I am so envious. I can’t decide who I want to be so I can’t decide what it is that I want others to see when they look at me. Because I can’t decide, I have a lot of pieces and parts of nothing. Because I have pieces that don’t go together, I get frustrated and end up in sweatpants and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail.
So bottom line questions:
1. Why am I so insecure that I’m afraid to make a decision about what I want? I will admit that when I see other women, I do size up how they are dressed, etc. and in the back of my mind I, at times, think “is that how people see me?”. I fear how others see me.

2. I hesitate to express who I am because I don’t really like who I am. I want to be someone other than who I am… I just don’t know who that someone is.

3. I don’t do the little things daily in order to get what I want. I get lazy and apathetic and tell myself ‘oh, it really doesn’t matter.. its not like anything going to change anyway’. I guess I don’t really believe that I CAN make the changes that I want to.

4. Am I over thinking all of this? If women everywhere have these same issues, then why do I feel like I’m alone in this thinking? How can I MAKE myself do things differently?

I realize that if someone other than you reads this, they will probably thinks it’s trivial but it’s just an example of my inner conflict between what I want and what I actually do.

This is a post that I intend to come back to again and try to work through over time. I don’t expect it to be an overnight process but this is something that I’ve talked with a counselor about but made no progress.

Thanks for listening!

Until we talk again, take care of yourself

~Shipp