Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

I like your user name, tectonic tranquility.

You wrote: “My husband met a female friend… (“He is working late every night… side by side with this female friend”) he does the many things I like to do as a couple with her.” It is important for me/ the reader, to know what those things they do together are. If they eat together because they work together long hours, that is understandable. If they (crazy example) take a nap together, cuddling, that is different.

Also, are there other people present till 4 am while the two of them work together or are they alone?

“My reactions to their relationship has nearly ruined our marriage.”- again, depending what it is you are reacting to. If it is them having a nap together, cuddling, his behavior needs to be attended to first.

You wrote: “I went to see him for a few minutes… He made a comment… It bothered me. It showed on my face but I didn’t say anything.” What was the comment, I wonder, and what did you think he meant by it?

Back to that visit: “he kept pressuring me – ‘What’s wrong. Just tell me. Why are you doing this?’ This made me more frustrated and just begin to shut down. I get so angry and cannot talk things out… I ended up storming off… ended up in a big fight… lasted for about 4 hrs and all the dirty laundry comes out.” You wrote that this is not a constructive way to fight. Well, it is not constructive to fight at all. It is constructive to communicate effectively.

Yo asked: “Why does something so small get made to be so big? Can I change the way I take everything so personal and as an attack. How can control my anger?”

“Something so small”, you mean his comment? If his comment was just a concern for his daughter (ex., this is too much sun for her), the reason it is so big in your mind is because of your own thoughts that you attached to his comment, your interpretation of what he said. The principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is examining our thoughts for accuracy and if they are distorted, then correct our thoughts so to fit reality. When our thoughts fit reality, our distress is diminished. When our distress is diminished, we are more able to thoughtfully choose our behavior.

You could have asked him, as calmly as you could, “what did you mean by that comment?” so to check if your thoughts about his comments are correct, or not.

Marriage counseling, if it is of quality, will teach the two of you communication skills. The two of you will practice, in the office, with the therapist, those skills- how to talk to each other, how you can express your feelings to him in as calm a way as possible, clearly, assertively and respectfully.

It is very common for people to feel uncomfortable about anger, trying to push it down, not knowing what to do with it. Assertiveness – for unassertive people- is a very difficult skill to learn and practice because it feels uncomfortable to change habits of the mind/ behavior.

There is much more to the topic, but I will stop here. Let me know of your thoughts/ feelings and we can continue to communicate, if you’d like.

anita

Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

What woman will not be distressed knowing her husband spends alone time with another woman, until 4 am, sometimes later, shops for food with her, eats with her, goes for walks…

No wonder you are distressed.

The very fact that he spends all this time with her, alone, into the morning, is a breeding ground for a married man having an affair even if the wife is perfect in each and every way.

I don’t see a way you can be at peace with this situation unless you are at peace with him having an affair now or anytime in the near future.

You are focused on what you need to improve about yourself but how can you improve when you live under such distress, in a situation that is distressing and would be distressing to any wife and mother of a young child?

I believe that this project he is working on, with her, it has to end ASAP. It is not fair to you.

anita

Hi TT,

I agree with what creative cat has said! I think you are in a pickle here and need to figure out a game plan for yourself going forward. I think you should absolutely consider going to counseling even if you just go by yourself. Going by yourself is still incredibly helpful and important, you can learn a lot about how to consider your own reactions and emotions and what you want.

I would also suggest that you try to think constructively about a way to communicate how you are feeling with your husband. Clearly you guys are not able to resolve this issue the way you have been dealing with it. I would try something new. Maybe ask him to sit down with you and have a structured conversation, with some rules – you get to talk first, he just listens. When you finish, he paraphrases what you’ve said back to you and then he talks and you listen. Something like that.
Or you could try emailing him or writing a letter! I know people think this is weird but I actually find I can think much better when I do this. Then can he read it when he isnt with you and have the time he needs to respond emotionally and think about it before he gets back to you.

I think what you should focus on is
1. telling him WHY him spending time with this woman bothers you – that its the intimate things they do together, go shopping, spend all night together, etc. Tell him that what upsets you is not that the two of them are friends, but it is that you feel like he is emotionally close with HER and not with YOU! What you want, I’m guessing, is not for them to not be friends or to control his friendships, but for the two of YOU to feel close again, and you feel like she is distracting him from that. He is right now investing all his emotional energy into her, and not you. The goal is for the two of you to feel good about one another again. If you both feel happy with your relationship, then perhaps you might not even feel threatened by their friendship, and he frankly may not even be as interested in spending so much time with her.
2. Asking for some modifications about his behavior. If he has to keep working with her because of this work project, then not seeing her anymore isnt an option. But he can probably text you a few times through the night to say hello while he is with her. Or call you to say hi. You could ask him to spend less walks and coffee breaks together. If he still wants to be in your marriage, it is very reasonable for him to make some accommodations so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable with his behavior. Try to come up with a few reasonable things you can ask him that wouldn’t be too hard for him to agree to.
3. You should try to think of constructive ways the two of you can spend time together. Ask him to go for walks with you (and your daughter! That might be nice) and go to the store with you. You can also be creative if you guys are always fighting when you are together – you can play a board game together so you have something to talk about, or make a rule that you wont’ talk about his work or her. Think about it like putting coins in a piggy bank – every good evening or time spent together is one coin dropped in a bank of affection and trust.

TT…

I cannot help but think of Sir Walter Scott”s line from his work Marmion: “Oh! What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” Your husband has created a HUGE web of deceit with the woman on his project. This clearly is no secret. I am wondering if your husband was previously married and if he has children from a previous marriage. What is his pet project? His being defensive toward your inquiries and protective nature of this woman is 100% unacceptable. You are not asking him to end his project right now, or at all. I think you are asking for honest answers, which, he should be more than willing to give in the interest of saving your marriage and out of respect for you. It doesn’t look to me that he has respect for you.  There have been some hints of pursuing the Big D. Some people advocate for this, some have their reasons not to. When you step on a piece of broken glass, you don’t leave that piece of glass in, you take it out so you can heal. However, know this; if it does come down to a divorce, he is still a father and his responsibilities to your daughter do not get him off the proverbial hook, which it seems to me that is how he sees it. Many men, and I mean a HUGE number of men who go through a divorce that involve children behave this cowardly way. This is truly a reflection on the divorced husband’s character. I don’t know TT, just a random thought of mine. But because many divorced men behave in this way, be prepared for that battle as well. I am not asking you to borrow trouble in anticipating having to do with this thorn, just know the big picture. Helen Keller once said something along the lines of “What is worse than being blind is having sight without vision.” Something like that. Just have better vision as to the whole picture. My question is this; if the project ends with him coming around to you, what will your trust level be? Going into another project, will you be haunted by this game? In the event that you feel you are making progress on your marriage, how do you think you will react if he is the one who files for divorce? Maybe I should not post these scenarios, but they are real and they really should be considered to be better prepared for whatever happens. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say. He clearly is not on your side. He clearly is not interested in defending your marriage. These are just some thoughts TT, however dark they may be. Then again this situation is not a pretty picture. It never is. You are a strong woman TT. Show it. You are an amazing mother I’m sure. Give that strength to your daughter. I was in Afghanistan for a little more than 13 months. I always wondered why it was that I got 3 letters during that time. When I got badly hurt, I spent 9 months paralyzed from the waste down. It took a year for me to learn to walk again. When I was able to walk again, I finally got to leave rehab in Germany and go home. When I got home, I learned why I didn’t get more letters than I would have loved getting. My now ex was doing everything newly weds do. Welcome home. Needless to say we got divorced. With nowhere to go, no job, I was another statistic of being yet another homeless vet but only for about 3 months, may have been less, I forgot. In a cynical way I used to say that the best thing I got out of marriage was me. I say this because there have been countless of doors open to me, I met some beautiful people, obviously on the site for one, my relationship with my daughter was in tact, I made damn sure of that. I have been so much happier since then, far beyond my wildest dreams. You ARE strong. Show it.

Pearce

Hi, TechtonicTranquility,

I just joined this site, and am just now getting caught up on reading and replying to posts. It looks like you received some great advice already. I am wondering, has anything progressed? Have things gotten any better with your husband? I have been rooting for you..