Anxiety and Appropriateness

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 15, 2017 at 10:17 am #173259

Inky
Participant

Hi Gang!

When it comes to running into a certain person, I will see him from across the room and it’s like my whole body goes “NOPE!!!” and I leave the scene. Yes, there is a backstory. It’s too long to get into with people who don’t know, and the people that do know are bored of it or are all, “That was ten years ago, you aren’t over that by now?”

So today there was an Open House and for weeks everyone’s asking me, “Will you be there? Will you be there?” and I *KNEW* he might make an appearance and I say a soft non-committal “Maybe”.

So today I made a potential exit plan. I showed up late, people saw me for about five minutes, I looked up, he was there, I grabbed one cheese square, pretended to take an important call, and left. (I don’t know if he saw me).

Readers, I am sick of it. I feel like I failed my day. Do I see a shrink, get Xanax, what? Is this a normal reaction? Do you do the same with certain people? Should I just continue to honor my spirit/emotions on this one? Why should I tolerate being somewhere if I don’t enjoy it? How would you handle?

Stymied,

Inky

October 15, 2017 at 10:47 am #173265

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Inky:

How well written!

I recently came across a scientific term to fit what this person means to you: a noxious stimulus. I like the term. It means, to me, that the moment you see him, you automatically feel distressed. In other words, you see him and automatically you suffer.

It is based on prior experience with him, past interactions and what those interactions triggered in you at the time, creating pain.

I have my experiences with noxious stimuli and I avoid them. Do honor your emotions, absolutely. Preventing unnecessary suffering is the reasonable thing to do.

anita

October 15, 2017 at 12:30 pm #173295
Eliana
Participant
Hi Inky,

I ran into the same situation. It was over a man I had a major crush on for months. He drove the church van to a bible study group. We never dated or anything like that. We texted mainly and flirted via text only after some one told him if my crush. I was so excited that he texted me, that I went overboard with my emotions. One day, I got upset with him over something really stupid, I was so ashamed of my behavior and wanted more than anything to take back my words. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, as I think the crush was only on my part and he was enjoying the ego trip and attention. Not once did he ask me out. I tried to apologize but he was rude..so things were left awkward. I am over him and have had boyfriends and dated since him.

Yesterday, I saw him coming toward me with his friend at a pumpkin festival we were having in town. I think he saw me and stopped. My heart started pounding. I acted like I saw a friend on the other side, waved and went in the opposite direction of him. I could not face him. I know how it feels, but I don’t know why too.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Eliana.
October 16, 2017 at 8:54 am #173399

Brandy
Participant

Hi Inky,

No, I wouldn’t see a shrink or get Xanax. Yes, I think it’s a normal reaction, and yes, I do the same with certain people. I say honor your spirit/emotions on this one. You shouldn’t tolerate being anywhere you don’t want to be.

There are different reasons why I do this kind of thing. One person I avoid because she has gossiped about me (and a lot of other people too), so I refuse to give her a reason to do that again. If we’re never around each other, what can she possibly say?? Also, being around her makes me remember the whole situation and I get angry all over again. Another person I avoid because he constantly stares in a flirty, checking-me-out way — from across a room, from up close, from everywhere. Too creepy and weird b/c I’m married and he’s friends with my husband. A third person I avoid because she’s like “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh — everything is negative, everyone has an ulterior motive, no one treats her the way she wants to be treated. Listening to it is exhausting and brings me down. These are the three people in my life that cause my whole body to say “NOPE!”, and I leave the scene. You’re fine, Inky.

Brandy

October 16, 2017 at 1:49 pm #173455
Inky
Participant
Thank you anita for the new scientific phrase: noxious stimulus. That is exactly what it is!!

I will also take Eliana and Brandy’s cue: My avoidance is totally situational with a specific person and no more guilt for not enduring the cultural mandate to stick around!

Update: Someone said, “I thought I saw you at the Open House, but I never got a chance to talk to you.” I said that I was indeed there but only stayed for about five minutes. So if my Nope-a-topus wonders, people can say honestly, “Oh, I think she was there.”

It’s still annoying though. I feel like this kind of thing will re-visit me in a future life.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
October 17, 2017 at 4:55 am #173507

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Inky:

You are welcome. I don’t know if your last sentence is a joke, as I know you are no stranger to humor. Is it or are you really concerned about “this kind of thing (re-visiting you) in a future life”?

anita
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