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How to get up the courage to have a tough conversation?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • October 24, 2017 at 2:26 am #174517
    Lewis
    Participant

    Hello! Long time lurker, first time poster here. I’ve been taking advantage of Tiny Buddha for years! 🙂 I’m hoping you awesome people may be able to offer me some advice on a tough situation.

    I have a close friend who romantically rejected me in the past. She is straight and I am bisexual; she was not interested in a same-sex relationship. Understandable. Recently, this same friend came to me and shared with me that she has been questioning her sexuality for some time. Shortly after this discussion, we were alone together and she tried to hold my hand – at least, I think she did. When it happened I was surprised and pulled away from her, and I now find myself doubting the memory, despite knowing how I felt while it happened. My friend has been distant since that night. The next time it was supposed to be just the two of us, she wanted to know if any of our mutual friends would be there as well. I had a distinct feeling that she did not want to be alone with me.

    I feel that I need to discuss this with her. However, it is difficult when I am doubting my own memory. I felt sure of what had happened until she began to act cold and distant. Why would she try to hold my hand one night, and behave coldly the next? I have been rejected by her once, and I am scared to bring up the topic a second time – but, if I don’t, I know without a doubt I will regret not doing it. I have decided what I need to do. But I need the strength to do it. Sooner rather than later ideally; for my peace of mind I do not want to put it off forever.

    How do you relax in a similar situation? I find it becomes more and more difficult to do what I need to do, when I am afraid of the possible outcomes. Advice or links to relevant articles appreciated!

    October 24, 2017 at 9:34 am #174621
    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi,

    happy first post!

    my thoughts would be along the lines of the quote ‘you often regret what you don’t do, rather than what you do do’ and whilst in all situations this may not be the case, i think it may apply in this situation.

    my advice would be try not to plan how the conversation will go too much, just go with your gut and say what comes naturally to you- you can’t go  far wrong being true to yourself.

    it could be they are just nervous coming to accept their feelings and it could of been your proposal the first time could of sparked off the internal searching so she feels she can confide in you.  Likely they are just at a difficult transition period in their life and having you to talk to and be by her side is great- she is lucky to have you. I would just go with your heart and hear her out. after all what’s the worst that can happen? whether she did reach for your hand or not, the feelings are still there and she may need you as a friend right now.

    best of luck! Xx

    October 24, 2017 at 8:17 pm #174703
    Lewis
    Participant

    Thank you for the kind words nextsteps! I am seeing my friend again after a long while apart, so I am going to try to focus on spending time with her for now. If the time feels right I’ll try to have the conversation. “Try” being the keyword here!

    October 26, 2017 at 4:05 am #174949
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lewis,

    I’m not quite sure why she acted cold to you. I think because she thinks it took alot of courage in her part that one night to hold your hand and you pushed her away. That may seem like a small thing. But women take something like that very personally and “remember it” for a long time and see it as rejection, although you did not mean it that way. Just see how things go..if she brings it up, tell her it was nothing personal, that you were caught off guard. I hope others will share their perspectives.

    October 27, 2017 at 2:06 am #175115
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Lewis,

    It is quite obvious to me, why she acted distant after. I don’t want to put anything into your head, but you say she is doubting her sexuality, & is maybe being inauthentic in that she may have some feelings for you? But isn’t communicating them? She is confused admittedly, so I don’t want you getting over excited that she might like you, but I believe it to be a possibility. I also think her sharing this information with you is another reason for me to think she may like you?

    I very often used to be unable to have honest & meaningful conversations until I met my current partner, due to fear of being rejected, not heard etc. But at the end of the day it all boils down to the fact that you just need to be authentic & honest & openly ask her what that touch was about & whether she romantically has any feelings for you. The only thing I will say about this though, is this girl seems very confused, from what you’ve said, so you need to go in with enough resilience as rejection could happen again. She may say she likes you, & she may dip in & out with you due to her confusion. This will put you in a awkward place of never knowing where you stand, so be cautious, not overly, but just continue to communicate. If you feel she is in & out, interested one minute, not interested the next, then communicate this to her. Don’t go through feeling good, then bad etc because she is unsure of her sexuality.
    Communication is key, & although sometimes very uncomfortable, the outcome after communicating puts you in a much better position emotionally than not saying anything at all.

    What do you think?

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