Insecurity in relationship

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.

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October 26, 2017 at 3:45 pm #175075

Janet
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I’ve been struggling on and off with some anxiety over the last couple of years but mostly it’s mild and I’ve always found comfort with my husband. For the last month I’ve actually been in a great mood- no anxiety or crying fits, low moods, etc. – but for some reason I’m really insecure in my relationship. Nothing has really changed, but I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me I bring nothing to the table, he’s getting bored or tired of me, he wants to look elsewhere, etc. He doesn’t give me any indication of this but I still can’t let it go, and what worries me is I usually have pretty good intuition so I’m afraid maybe it IS true. I googled about disclosing insecurity to a spouse which I’ve just read can make things worse, however we’re going out this weekend for halloween and I’m worried I’ll drink to much, have a panic attack and unload all of this to him in a bad state of mind (this kind of thing has happened before when I withhold feelings – I end up a mess and he has to deal with me, then I have limited memory of it the following day).

I want to avoid the drunken mess situation, but I don’t know how to say “hey, I’m insecure and need you to tell me nothing is going on even though rationally I know it isn’t”. I cannot figure out how to do this without sounding accusatory, or like a complete moron.

Advice?

October 27, 2017 at 1:13 am #175111

Eliana
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Hi Janet,

Has he shown any signs that he is growing bored and tired of you? You said you weren’t having anxiety, but do you think you may still have some? Has he become distant in any way? As far as talking to him, you don’t have to say you are “insecure” or even have to be drinking if you think that is going to mess things up, I would stay away from Alcohol from the time being. He might think you are using it as an “escape route” which will make things worse.

Just tell him how you feel. You can do this calmly without seeming needy and clingy if that is what you are worried about. He may lay your fears to rest. Just be self-assured, be yourself. In the meantime, seeking help from a therapist might help you sort through any depression or anxiety, and you may be given some short term anxiety medication. But I don’t think you have anything to worry about. x

October 27, 2017 at 2:25 am #175117

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Janet,

Bless you. First of all, don’t drink too much the night you go out. Agreed?
Secondly, within a romantic relationship, particularly a marriage, communication is key. Whilst airing your concerns may not sit well with your husband, there are ways in which you communicate this without blaming. What I mean is say “I feel insecure” instead of “I’m insecure because I think you’re doing something to make me insecure & my intuition is usually right” when he questions why you feel insecure explain that your anxiety etc is getting the better of you.

Ultimately, this is an inside job & has little to do with your husband. As hard as it is to understand & accept, you are most probably insecure with yourself for whatever reason, because when we are fully secure with ourselves in every way, we don’t doubt or have negative, potential damaging, thoughts.
Long term I think you would benefit from downloading Headspace & being mindful. This is about living for the moment right now & training your mind to realise when you’re having negative thoughts about yourself & your husband, & realizing it is just that.. a thought. Our brains are wired to protect us, by being mindful you will rewire your brain to see that although these thoughts are destructive, they are just that, thoughts.

What do you think?

October 27, 2017 at 4:46 am #175137

Inky
Participant

Hi Janet,

I had the exact same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago! It was as you described: anxiety coupled with a nagging feeling something is wrong concerning my marriage without any evidence. Of course that intuition/”intuition” simply made the anxiety worse.

Well, what actually happened with me was one terrible day plagued with fears. Then I happened to have to go on a trip. When I came home the feeling was gone. DH and I sat down at night to watch our favorite Netflix show and I saw that he was like, fifteen episodes ahead of me in our series. Nothing untoward was going on if he watched fifteen hours of TV without me LOL!

Looking back to that feeling I was all “What was THAT all about?” It turned out that I think I had been “triggered” by something a friend said to me. Utter hogwash, of course.

Good Luck!

Inky

October 27, 2017 at 5:49 am #175149

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Janet:

The fears you describe probably stem from experiences you had before meeting your husband and have nothing to do with his behavior. What people call intuition is partly past distressing experiences that we are afraid will happen again.

I think that it is a good thing that you look at your past behavior and that you want to prevent a problem that occurred before. Share with him about your anxiety”without sounding accusatory, or like a complete moron” – such sharing it very doable. You can practice what to say right here, on your thread, share responsibly, honestly, in a straight forward way and I will give you my input, if you’d like.

What you quoted telling him, “I’m insecure and need you to tell me nothing is going on even though rationally I know it isn’t”- doesn’t read accusatory or moronic to me. It can be part of your share to him.

anita
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