Feeling left out.

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Poppyxo.

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October 31, 2017 at 2:41 am #175841

NightFlower
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My boyfriend of almost two years just recently had a self awakening realizing he doesn’t want to continue with his current career for it does not make him happy. He’s unsure of what he would like to do next but he and I are both very confident in whatever he tries, he will be successful in. I support him no matter what. He recently decided he needs to travel for 3 months, he had never had chance to do so. He worked and studied for years since he was 15. Again, I support him no matter what but I can’t help but feel hurt he didn’t include or think of me in this plan. I personally always think of him for he is a huge part of my life and future. He says he feels the same and I believe it. I mentioned how I understand, trust him and ultimately want him to be happy. In order for him to be happy he needs to do this, and I want him to I explained, but also how I can’t help but feel left out. He said I could join half way if I like, but it feels like a pity invite. When I ask him to get an idea of when and where, he avoids discussion. He says he might just even plan and book flights soon knowing very well I can’t afford it or even go since I still am in school. We talked about saving up for min. 5 months together but the timeline of things keep changing in his plan/head. After speaking my feelings the first time, I’ve held back because I don’t want to bum him out about this because I truly want him to do this in order to be happy. Prior to this, we talked about a month long trip to Asia to visit his mother, whom I’ve never met before. He went ahead and booked a flight without me saying he needs to spend time with his mother and won’t be doing much there. He did the same thing last year but we we not that serious yet, but we were fine. Again, I get it but I can’t help but feel left out. End of day I’m feeling like he doesn’t think of me or include me because I would of him with plans. If I were to bring it up he rationalizes it, everything I’m saying above, and I can’t help but feel guilty and wrong. These feelings won’t go away. How do I stop myself from feeling needy and sad about this? I feel selfish and hurt. We’re secure about our relationship even with the distance, but I’m scared this can turn into resentment especially when he’s away and I’m missing him.

October 31, 2017 at 5:15 am #175855

Inky
Participant

Hi NightFlower,

This doesn’t have to do with you so much as he hasn’t had any freedom since he was fifteen. (And who is truly free at fifteen?) It is probably a quarter-life crisis of some sort. He woke up one day, panicked, and thought, “This is my chance to fly free as a bird, I’ve never done this before!!” Part of travelling, adventuring, and being a free spirit is not to calculate anything in advance. Words and phrases such as “plan”, “check with my girlfriend” and “schedule” is the antithesis of what he needs right now.

Now, let’s say it is you in that subconsciously he just wants to get away. You’ve got to understand that in their twenties (if he’s older I don’t have an excuse for him LOL) men are “building their nest”. We women “seek their nest”. But you have to give the guy time to build his. His nest isn’t ready for you yet.

I say let him travel, don’t bring up words like “commitment”, etc. and go on adventures of your own.

Best,

Inky

November 2, 2017 at 10:12 pm #176343

NightFlower
Participant

Dear Inky,

Thank you for your advice! I kept this in mind which eased my anxiety, and I’m guessing maybe my boyfriend sensed it and opened up to me more than he usually does. He talked about his life, his feelings, dreams and about us. He reconfirmed with me that wants to be with me and we have a future. He also admitted he has been so distracted and stuck in his own head this past month, and taking me for granted and being distant. He apologized for that and said he’s going to be more present. The next day he talked to me throughout the day very playful and loving. He then called me in excitement to tell me he’s met a new friend who’s offering him a spot to practice on his ball team on the day we were to spend quality time together before his family event. He totally disregarded our plans, that he had suggested and invited me to. I was happy he was so excited because it was a big passion of his years ago he’s been dying to get back into. I still felt hurt since it would be the only time we see each other in a week, and he also turned down our routine “us day” to have a day to himself (he’s been working 6-7 long days a week). He invited me to sit and watch or come when we leave for the event. Mind that I’d be sitting alone approx. 5 hours on the bench and surrounded by his family later. I had turned down a friend’s birthday for our original plans together so I told him I’m not sure If I’m coming anymore and ended the phone call. I later told him I understand you want to do this and you’re going through some tough times and need this, but i still feel hurt. Just bringing my feelings to light, but it’s okay I understand and also how he said he’d put more effort to be present, considerate, not just “his plan”. He starts talking about questioning the future for “us”, how he’s doing things to please himself because he’s not happy with his life, and sorry for being selfish. I again say I get it, it’s all going to be okay, i’m here for him. He then says he shouldn’t have to be convinced he loves me and like it’s an obligation, things I have never said or even recall convincing him of. He said he doesn’t want to talk so now we’re not talking. I don’t know what to do right now. I love him so much but I hate this feeling of waiting on him making up his mind, which he has done once before. It’s almost been two years we’ve been together. He did mention I did nothing wrong and am absolutely wonderful to him, we both know this is within him. A old emotionally scarred part of me has resurfaced wants to naturally run to make things easier especially knowing I don’t deserve to feel hurt. The real present me wants to be with him and doesn’t know how to approach this without being pushy on him. I don’t want to give up an amazing thing and person. I just want him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. Stalemate. I’d like to hear your perspective please. I feel I keep putting myself aside which isn’t healthy either.

November 3, 2017 at 2:58 am #176347
Eliana
Participant
Hi Nightflower,

If he is not happy with his life right now with he is not going to be happy with anything at this time. This includes, job, friends, family, relationship, etc. I understand and commend you for wanting to be there for him, but if he is questioning your future together, and making confusing comments, leaving you in doubt, I would re-evaluate the relationship at this time. I think he wants to travel so he can “find himself”.

Things don’t appear like they are going to change, he is saying things, but not walking his talk. At this time, he sounds he is not emotionally available for whatever reason for a committed relationship. You can talk to him and reason with him until you are blue in the face, but I think I’m the end, he is going to continue to want to be alone to travel, to see his Mom, his interest in his new friend, what he wants out of his life, etc. Perhaps quality Psychotherapy would be good for him at this time, as he seems very confused, doubtful, distant and unhappy. He is going to continue to leave you out unfortunately, as he is unhappy, and you are probably going to become more and more resentful. You can either wait for him to figure things out, although it may be a very long time or take a small break from each other while he figures out what he wants. If he made the comment about being convinced about loving you, these are all signs of red flags and that the relationship is becoming stagnant and he is unable to invest more into the relationship at this time. Keep us posted. x
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.
November 3, 2017 at 3:40 am #176355

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Nightflower,

I do find a few things about this odd, the things that I found odd was, you’ve been with him nearly two years but haven’t met his mother? I understand she lives in a different country but two years is a long time & I’d be keen to do that, & I’m sure my boyfriend would too? & the fact you feel unable to express your emotions to him without worrying how he would take it? You’ve been together two years, you should well & truly be able to communicate & understand each other by now, shouldn’t you?
I’m not sure any of us can help you as such, I believe the only person/people who can resolve this would be you & your boyfriend? I get that you may feel uncomfortable talking to him & don’t want to keep bringing it up, but what happens if in years time you have a child & need to communicate something about that child but you feel uncomfortable or uncertain of his reaction? Do you go through life keeping things in, feeling resentful towards him & anxious in yourself, all for this man?

What do you think?

November 3, 2017 at 7:35 am #176377

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nightflower:

Reads to me that you want to give him the time and space but it makes you angry to do so. You feel hurt and angry. The resentment that you are afraid to feel when he goes to Asia without you is anger you already feel.

In other words, your intent is to “support him no matter what”, but you can’t stomach the no-matter-what.

It is your right, of course, to terminate this relationship and look for a man who is settled and satisfied with his career and has no travel plans. But if you choose to be with him, and do the right thing by him, as you expressed, then you will need to find a way to stomach what he needs to do, to figure out a way for you to endure the distress without burdening him with it.

anita

November 16, 2017 at 4:52 pm #178421

NightFlower
Participant

Thank you all for responding back, I really do appreciate it. He’s currently still struggling but we’ve had a calm talk. He said I have done nothing wrong and I’m nothing more than wonderful to him. That his distance and needing space has nothing to do with me. So i’ve been focusing on myself, spending time with friends and just keeping busy. I feel it’s also a big wake up call for myself because I want to be able to stand strong no matter what happens. I’ve also realized I’ve become comfortable and lost some confidence in myself, I’m not sure if that has any thing to do with him but it’s something I need to work on. A part of me thinks he’s prolonging a break-up but he’s reassured me that’s not it, so I try not to let my insecurities get the best of me. He’s been very distant lately but he still texts me briefly about his day and goodnight before he sleeps. It’s taking some adapting since I’m use to us calling every night and texting throughout the day. I’m just trying to stay positive and be there for him when he needs. Some days I’m feeling great and doing my own thing and some days I feel really sad and lonely, but I remind myself to push myself to not dwell, stay positive. Whatever happens, happens.

November 16, 2017 at 5:06 pm #178427

NightFlower
Participant

We also had an interesting talk about Marriage which he had brought up. Prior to this conversation shortly after one year of being together he had asked me about timelines and marriage. He mentioned he never thought about marriage, having children until he met me. He wanted us to talk about a dream, a plan. Fast forward to last week, he mentioned he might not believe in marriage anymore because 90% of his family has gotten divorced. Its really strange he brings this up since many of his own friends are happily married but he has some sort of fear that what happened to his parents are to repeat to him. He recently started mentioning his own parents divorce much more often these two weeks. He communicates how it hurts but how he’s slowly forgiving and understanding his parents mistakes which scarred him badly. This was a really intense talk with some sad tones from him. From that moment on, he was not in the mood for intimacy (twice, both separate times), even though we had a great day with quality time and deep great conversations together. We’ve never had that problem before. I’ve been thinking about it for some while. I can’t help but take it a little personally but he says it has nothing to do with me, so I shook it off then.

November 17, 2017 at 3:45 am #178477

Anonymous
Guest

Dear NightFlower:

In a previous post you wrote: “He then says he shouldn’t have to be convinced he loves me and like it’s an obligation”- he said that he shouldn’t have to be convinced that he loves you because at times he is not convinced that he loves you. He said it is like an obligation because sometimes he feels like loving you is an obligation.

In a recent post you wrote: “he was not in the mood for intimacy (twice, both separate times)…We’ve never had that problem before”- I believe this is what happens when one doubts their love and feels an obligation to love.

You wrote: “He said I have done nothing wrong and I’m nothing more than wonderful to him. That his distance and needing space has nothing to do with me”- a whole lot of what he experiences, the distancing, has nothing to do with you, not a result of anything you have done, and has a whole lot to do with his childhood experience, way before he met you.

But he is also aware of your worry, your need that he feels love for you, that the relationship continues and ends in marriage, and he is troubled by guilt over the possibility that it will not.

Guilt and love/intimacy don’t mix, much like water and oil.

Let me know of your thoughts and feelings about my input so far, if you’d like and I will reply again.

anita

November 17, 2017 at 3:54 am #178481

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi NightFlower,

I love your post about being empowered & doing things with your friends & what happens, happens.

I think at the moment this is your best bet, by using this route. I’m sure you don’t mind me saying, but from what you have written, I’m not convinced this man wants a relationship or deeper connection with you. Please don’t take that, that you aren’t good enough, or that it is anything to do with you, I just don’t think he is ready or willing to give that part of himself out to you, or anyone.
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