Anita,

Thank you for your advice.  I am trying to calm down, but still keep going into panic and terror quite often.  It’s just too long to have to wait to get into the doctor, but it seems to be that way nowadays.

I’ve actually lost weight in recent months, which is why the lower abdominal size increase does frighten me a lot.  The bloating near the waistline can sometimes be related to my gallbladder, but the lower area doesn’t change or improve.  Very scary.

I just hope they have a cancellation, and get me in sooner.  I’m waiting.

Thank you very much for your suggestions.

Christine

Anita,

I do have an appointment.  It’s now “only” 19 days away.  They might get me in sooner, if something opens up.  I’ve considered going somewhere else, but since this doctor was highly recommended I’m reluctant to go to someone else.  If I develop any worse symptoms, I would almost certainly go in somewhere sooner, or call the doctor’s office again.

The waistline area is more of the “bloating” thing, like when my gallbladder feels worse (from eating some fat), but the enlargement that sticks around more is the stomach pooch down low (was there before, but then seemed bigger).  Sometimes (when feeling more calm and sane) I feel like it could be all about menopause, wheat, dairy, or other simple things like that, but when I get anxious and scared (or escalate into terror and panic), then I think of much worse possibilities.  I won’t know until they check things.

I’m also scheduled to see another doctor two days before the gynecologist.  These are just the days that were open for each of the doctors.  My mom goes to the general doctor herself, and he will do extensive blood testing, so far as I know.  Between the two appointments, I guess we will figure out what is happening.  Of course, I hope it’s the mildest problem possible.

I know most people are afraid of doctors, but I feel like I’m about a million times more scared.  Funny, considering that the man who I thought was my biological father (until recently) is a doctor, and my late sister was a naturopathic doctor (wish she was here to help).  I always wondered how they could do those jobs, because I certainly never could.

Anita, I’m sorry for going on so much about this.  Thank you for listening and caring.

Mimi

Anita,

[very long – I won’t blame you if you don’t want to slog through it all]

Yes, my “dad” was a gynecologist (we were never very close), and he constantly cheated on my mom.  After a few years of that, she did the same, and that man is probably who our father was.  Mom didn’t tell my sister Kim about the father thing until Kim was dying, and Kim insisted that Mom tell me, too.  So, about age 50, finding that out, and no chance to really discuss it with any of them, because Mom doesn’t like talking about it, “Dad” I cut out of my life long ago (bad guy all around), and the other man is long since dead.  Kim was too ill to really discuss things by then.  Plus, I was freaking out and not handling her death well at all.  I wasn’t close enough to her, like I should have been.  I would go there to her house, but not talk much or be near her and her hospital bed.  I didn’t mean to be an ass.  I was just unable to cope.  Other people even stayed away completely, so I guess I wasn’t as bad as that.  I was mostly hanging out with her son, who was only 5 years old then.

My sister Kim had Lyme disease for years, but died from cancer.  She felt something was wrong and kept getting tests, but they couldn’t find the cancer.  Most people didn’t believe she was sick and wanted her to just shut up and even acted like she was nuts (even family members), but I believed her and my husband did, too.  The cancer was hard to detect until it was way too late – it was thin sheets of cancer that scans couldn’t pick up.  I think it started at the liver.  It’s been just over 5 years now that she is gone and it’s still very hard.

My husband and I used to live in a house with his family.  His mom never wanted us to leave, and neither did we, and we never could afford to, really.  But mostly we just all loved being together – his mom and dad in one area, his aunt in another, and us in another part of the house.  All together and so loving and close.  It was amazing.  Earlier there was also an uncle and my brother-in-law, but in later years, it was just the 5 of us.  We lost my father-in-law some years ago, then more recently my mother-in-law, then my sister died, then a while after that my husband’s aunt (all those who loved us very much), then two weeks later, my husband’s heart attack and triple or quadruple bypass surgery (luckily, it went fine).  So, in the last few years, it’s been quite a lot, and we are having a hard time, still, dealing with all of it.

It’s just not the same as losing some regular relatives, because my husband’s parents felt like they were my parents, too.  They were so good to me, and I tried to be so good to them, too.  They loved doing things with us and hanging out, talking, etc.

We also had too many problems with cats being sick or dying, so right now we can’t afford or deal with that, so I’m lonely without one.  We had various cats for 30 years.  All amazing in their own way, but our second one was incredible, unbelievable, so loving!  I miss all of them, too.

Right now, few people are left in our lives, because we are introverted and have always stuck close to home.  We have my adopted sister, who isn’t that close to me emotionally, my best friend that I just email with, my wonderful husband (so, so grateful for him), and my mother (love her a lot, too).  My childhood was rough, though not as bad as some people I know.  Mom used to be sort of bad and critical for about 30 years of my life, but I forced her to change by cutting her off a few times.  Luckily, she learned to change herself.  I know you can’t really force someone to change, but now she is really loving, kind, caring, and wonderful, and has been for a long time.

It’s hard having only a few people, and worrying about losing more, and worrying about being sick myself.

Aren’t you sorry that you suggested that I might want to elaborate?  I only went on so long, because it all seems so complicated, but also incomplete if I don’t mention other parts.

I’m glad that your doctor experiences haven’t been that bad.  When I used to go, I kept having mammograms and then they had to do one needle biopsy and one surgical biopsy, and they were fine, but I felt like I was going through too much and couldn’t handle it.  Now it’s been so long that I worry what they might find.

I was in an absolute panic again this morning, had to take a bit more Xanax, then eventually felt better.  These days have been rough, just waiting to even start this whole process of appointments and tests and whatever.   Hoping and praying that they don’t find anything, or that I just have some simple problems.

Anita, thank you again for listening.  I know this went on far too long.  I guess the floodgates were opened by just your couple of simple questions.  I proofread this once, but now my husband is home and I must get going.

If you manage to get through all of this (or even if you don’t), thank you for “listening” to whatever part of this you made it through.

Mimi