Difference between being selfish and fulfilling your own needs or desires

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 9, 2018 at 2:33 pm #201543

Kylee
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Hi everyone!

I have been having a thought on my mind for a while now about the difference between being selfish and fulfilling your own needs or desires.

I’m curious on others opinions of this. I know there may not be a right or wrong answer. I guess it can depend on peoples beliefs and values but please share.

So lately, I have been feeling insecure in this area of my life. I feel like I try to help others to my best extent while finding the balance of pleasing my own self. It can be draining sometimes to live up to others expectations of you. Sometimes I just want to do purely what I want and not care about others but then that can lead to consequences I hardly want to deal with. I just feel that almost any decision you make is going to hurt or offend someone out there. Even those close to you, which is my problem.

I know everyone can be selfish at times, I think its human and sometimes you have too. Sometimes other may not understand why you do that but that’s the problem. Like if someone ever doesn’t like a reason for a choice I make, I cant make them and I’m tired of feeling so guilty over it. I feel so guilty so easily too. I don’t know how to get over this.

I bust my ass in the life I have built for myself. Yet I feel like I’m also lonely thinking others don’t like me or something. Which leads me into trying to people please then feeling drained. I’m absolutely tired of feeling this way and I hope some of you have helpful tips or perspectives.

I think I feel this way because, 1) I have struggled with self confidence for a long time now. (Don’t fully know why) 2) I don’t live near my close friends or family anymore. 3) I tend to compare myself to others alot

This all sounds scrambled and random but I’m trying to just put my thoughts out there. lol.

Thank you,

Kylee

April 9, 2018 at 4:41 pm #201549

Mark
Participant

Kylee,

I believe in order to live an authentic life is to live by your own values, not for someone else’s. You are not put on this earth to live another person’s life or to their expectations of you, not to tip toe around someone else’s feelings for we are responsible for our own feelings.

You identified as not having self confidence and feeling guilty. It comes down to loving yourself. That’s an ongoing practice to do.

We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

Mark

April 10, 2018 at 5:23 am #201607

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Kylee:

You wrote: “It can be draining sometimes to live up to others expectations of you”.

My comment: if another person expects you to act against your well-being and that would please him or her, then of course, that would be draining. For example, a person expects you to spend hours on the phone with her, into the night, while you have to get up early for work, living up to this person’s expectations of you is indeed, physically draining.

You wrote: “I just feel that almost any decision you make is going to hurt or offend someone out there”- I agree. Any of the words I am typing right this moment might offend someone. If the reader was able to see me at this moment, something about how I look, what I wear, etc., might offend someone. The only way for me to prevent any discomfort in another due to exposure to me, is to no longer be here, there or anywhere in any way, shape or form, to no longer exist.

I would say, pay attention to who it is you are trying to please, whose expectations you are trying to live up to, what those expectations are, and most importantly: figure out your own, authentic expectations of yourself and live up to those.

anita

April 10, 2018 at 7:01 am #201621
Airene
Participant
Hi Kylee,

I struggled with this same idea for a very long time – taking care of myself while helping other people, meeting their needs and making them happy. I found myself trying oh so hard to make people happy. The problem was that I was doing it to make them happy…which worked sometimes and sometimes it didn’t. How many times have you done something for someone – out of the goodness of your heart – only to have them criticize something about the way you did it, or how it turned out? Or to not respond the way you were hoping they would? Frustrating, isn’t it?

Somewhere along the line, I figured out that I was approaching this concept the wrong way. What I needed to do was find the joy and happiness for myself in doing something for anyone. That has made all the difference. For my kids, I find happiness in taking care of them, helping them and doing things for them. That doesn’t mean I don’t get exhausted or say “ugh, not this again.” But I get much joy in helping my kids.

Moving to the outer circle, if a friend asks me to do something, my first instinct is to ask myself “where do I find my happiness in doing this?” I need to be able to answer honestly about where the joy comes in when helping or doing something for or with a friend.

Moving further out, if a stranger asks for help, it is the same concept: Where do I find my happiness in doing this?

Some might call that selfish – that I only do things if I get some benefit from it, whether it is tangible or intangible. But for me, this has brought me peace and zero guilt.

Airene
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Airene.
April 13, 2018 at 5:03 pm #202297

Kylee
Participant

Thank you all for your feedback. Its super helpful and nice of you all to take the time. 🙂

April 14, 2018 at 4:37 am #202339

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Kylee. Anytime.

anita
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