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June 23, 2018 at 10:45 am #213819
AnonymousInactiveI went on a date with this guy, I’m not even sure this was a date, he just wanted to meet. We’ve met each other couple of years ago and he started texting me recently. He wanted to go out together but everytime there was something that came up and we didn’t, so he really couldn’t wait to finally meet. He said he always liked me in the past but we were both in relationships at that time. I was afraid what he would think of me because a couple of years passed, we haven’t seen each other in quite some time. We met today for a drink and I felt so insecure. I don’t know what he thinks and whether he would want to see me again, he texted me on the way home saying it was nice and he had a good time. But I’m thinking he was just being polite and the truth is he didn’t like me. I’m beating myself up for not being pretty enough, funny enough, maybe I didn’t try enough. I’m so disappointed with myself because I think he didn’t like me. I’m sad and depressed, I don’t even know if I like him that much but I feel so depressed that I’m never good enough and never satisfied with myself, and that people would consider me . I spend a lot of time on my hair and skincare but I’m never satisfied, I never look good. I feel like he was disappointed and expected something else. I didn’t want to sound like I care too much so I just texted him „Me too :)” and he didn’t respond. I’m thinking should I send him another text but if he’s not interested then what’s the point. I’m trying to not overanalyze it but I’m so depressed and angry at myself for not being good enough, I didn’t even care that much about him, I like him but it’s more like I’m angry and disappointed with myself.
June 23, 2018 at 11:32 am #213825AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
Welcome back.
And you are good enough. You just don’t know it yet, that is all.
anita
June 23, 2018 at 12:02 pm #213831AnonymousInactiveDear Anita
Thank you for responding. I just wanted to express my emotions when it’s too overwhelming, writing helps, as you once advised me. I know there’s nothing wrong with my appearance or behavior, just trying to get through those moments. when overwhelmed without expressing my emotions through anger towards myself.
June 23, 2018 at 3:18 pm #213841
KayParticipantI understand. It is good you realize the root of the anxiety and stress you’re experiencing is due to low self esteem, as then you can work to find a solution. I went through similar situations for many years and I had no idea why I felt the way I felt. What has helped me was reading affirmations daily. The more you train your brain with positive self talk, the more you begin to believe it.
Something else I would do was meditate on it. The discomfort you are feeling will come and go. Sometimes just sitting with it or looking at your feelings from an outside point of view helps to put things in perspective. Things that are meant to work out will work out. You have value and you have worth and deserve good things 🙂
June 24, 2018 at 1:23 am #213851AnonymousInactiveDear Kerry, thank you for the kind words.
I try to be prepared now that those thoughts will come and also observe when exactly they arise, and be aware they just work that way and they are predictable. Yes I know exactly the root of it and it’s less and less “active” but in the moments of distress it comes back. It got a bit better after a while. Meditation helps, also writing, naming my feelings and emotions, writing hundreds of times exactly what I’m feeling helps. Writing and reading it, it loses its power after a while. He texted me later that he was so stressed before seeing me and was worried I was bored or didn’t like him, and he would like to see me again. I know this has nothing to do with how other people see me. It’s how I see myself.
June 24, 2018 at 2:06 am #213857
AnonyParticipantHey Joanna,
You seem like an amazing person, who’s like all of us here are trying to better our lives. As a guy, who’s been with so many women, I can easily tell you that he did not just text you saying “it was nice and he had a good time”, he actually enjoyed it or at least meant what he said at the moment. I really think you are over analyzing and be way too hard on yourself. Just relax. Take a deep breath. Meditate. Try yoga. Meet new people. I assume that since you claim to have such a low self esteem, that you don’t go out much. You’re already fine the way you are, you just have to realize this yourself.
June 24, 2018 at 3:17 am #213865AnonymousInactiveHi Anony, That’s very kind of you to say, thank you for saying this. Yes recently I didn’t go out often, I’m trying to spend more time with people. I’m working very hard to be able to say I’m fine the way I am, I even accepted and left alone some of the flaws I would normally be desperate to remove, like some little scars on my face, hardly seen but I can see them. I decided to leave them alone although I could remove them if I wanted to, doesn’t cost much. But I don’t want to anymore. I say it looks okay already. It took me a long way. So, yes I’m trying and working hard on it. Thanks all of you for kind words, that’s all I need.
June 24, 2018 at 3:51 am #213867
just_let_goParticipantHi Joanna,
Self esteem is a tricky one, and something I have always struggled with, but I think I have learnt a few things that might help you. I have a quote written on my wall, and it says, “All you can do, is do what you can.” It may already have been said somewhere, but it’s just something really simple I thought of one day. You sound like you try very hard to be your best. You sound like a great, insightful and thoughtful person. Stop trying to be perfect. What you’re doing is enough, because you’re doing what you can, and that’s all we can do.
You don’t need this guys validation, or anybody’s for that matter to know your worth. Dress nicely, be polite, ask questions… That’s all you can do! The rest doesn’t even matter! The reality is there are THOUSANDS of people out there that will DISLIKE us no matter what we do! And that’s okay! You don’t want to be liked by everyone, because some people like traits in people, that you would probably think are bad traits!
Sorry if I’m a bit all over the place here, but you sound a lot like me, so I’m trying to blurt out the things I have had to realise to improve my self esteem.
Focus your energy on doing what you love. Spend time with friends, chase hobbies, be around family, exercise… Whatever it is. Once you start doing the things that make you, you, you’ll start to see that your self esteem starts to take care of itself. Being around people who love you for who you are, and doing things that make you love being you, makes other people opinions really, really small 🙂
June 24, 2018 at 6:08 am #213881
InkyParticipantHi Joanna,
Just remember: He wanted to go out with YOU! He texted YOU! He confessed his feelings to YOU! He went out with YOU!
It sounds like you’re doing great and not even trying!
Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!
In other words, You Are Enough!
Best,
Inky
June 25, 2018 at 2:42 pm #214093AnonymousInactiveHi just_let_go and Inky, thanks for the kind response. This quote seems really wise. Also I’m trying to spend more quality time doing hobby and exercise. It always gives me some perspective.
June 26, 2018 at 12:12 am #214165
anya12Participant*
June 26, 2018 at 1:53 am #214167anya12ParticipantHi joanna
other people would always like or dislike us for various reasons, the most important is that we value ourselves. You seem to be very kind and caring person. Try to focus your energy on doing what you love and spending time where you feel good with yourself.
June 26, 2018 at 2:13 am #214169AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
You wrote in your third post, “He texted me later that he was so stressed before seeing me and was worried I was bored or didn’t like him, and he would like to see me again”. That was June 24, two days ago. Any developments since?
From this quote reads like he too has an inner critic that rains on his parade and so, the two of you have something in common. This may be an opportunity for you to have an honest beginning relationship with a man, an opportunity for some healing in a context of a relationship.
Looking at your original post, you had a date, or a meeting with this man, nothing negative in it except that it was… an opportunity for your inner critic to give you a hard time. This is what it said to you, all expressed in your original post: he doesn’t want to see you again, he was only polite, he doesn’t like you, you are not pretty enough, you are not funny enough, you didn’t try enough, you are a disappointment, you are never good enough, you are unsatisfactory, you never look good. As a result of all this input you were “so depressed and angry at myself… angry and disappointed with myself”
I think he has his own abusive inner critic. Maybe the two of you can help each other?
anita
June 26, 2018 at 3:54 am #214195AnonymousInactiveHi Anita
Thank you for replying, yes I am aware how this whole situation: trying to look good and to impress him, and expectations I put on myself ended up in me being disappointed in myself. Also I know there wasn’t any reason for me to be so harsh on myself, just when overwhelmed and when too much anxiety those thoughts come back. They just come to me, I know them very well because they are always exactly the same and automatic. Distraction helps better than meditation now. Talking to a friend or watching a movie. I noticed I don’t want to meditate and analyze them anymore because I know them too well already. They will always come and go, as you once told me, I don’t fight them.
Funny when I was leaving he told me he had a great time and maybe we’ll do it again, and then texted me twice saying some random things, and again that it was so great to see me, but I still thought he was just “being polite” and I was sure he doesn’t like me, when I had absolutely no reason to think that.
He was worried that I was bored because we were in the cafe for an hour and a half and at one moment I said that I have to go.. I don’t know why I said that, he earlier told me he invited friends for a football match so I thought maybe it’s time to go. also of course I thought HE is bored so I decided better to leave first. He later told me he wanted to sit there all evening with me and didn’t care about this football thing, could call it off.. So maybe he’s not THAT insecure (comparing to myself) he just didn’t understand why I wanted to leave so early. But you’re right, I can see he’s not that self confident either.
We are planning to meet at the weekend, he asked me what kind of food I like etc. He asks a lot of things about me. Also he says he likes about me that I’m so organized and I like to plan things, and that I give him positive energy being so joyful and smiling all the time. I’m sometimes confused how he sees me, is it really me who he is seeing. But it gives me new energy too.
June 26, 2018 at 4:31 am #214205AnonymousGuestDear joanna:
You are welcome. I like it that he asked a lot of things about you. And I like it that he told you specifically what he likes about you. It leads me to think that he is interested in getting to know you better, that he finds you interesting and helpful, to him (maybe help him be more organized), that he sees value in you.
To begin a relationship with a person who values you– that is big. Exciting.
As you see him again, share more and more with him, not all at once, bit by bit, listen to his responses and take it from there. The goal of the relationship, I would like to think, would be to encourage healing for you and overall be a win-win, win for you and win for him.
I would like to read how this progresses and to reply to your future posts here.
anita
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