I met this guy online August of 2017.

We went on a couple dates and both realized there was much chemistry between the two of us. About a month into seeing each other and talking (on the daily) I realized I wanted to get to know him more and on another level. Not on the “talking” level  more like; dating.

At this point I was not interested in continuing to pursue other people as I wanted to focus on the one I felt I had good chemistry with and see where it could go. This was not the case for him. He wanted to continue to talk with me while he talked to and met other women. Even though in this same time frame he would be telling me just how beautifully crazy the chemistry flowed between us and that it was so good, too good, it scarred him.  It was at this moment I let him know I wanted to get to know him on a deeper level and take it from there. I asked him what was stopping him from wanting to do the same if he claimed it was so good. He would avoid answering my question. I insisted on the same questions time and time again until he reluctantly told me he was getting to know another girl which he liked and wanted to continue to “talk” with. All while I was still a part of the equation, too. And any other girl he felt like seeing. I told him I appreciated his honesty  (which I did and still do) but that I was not willing to just be another option on his buffet table. I told him I would need for him to decide if he wanted to continue to get to know me or the other girl (in that personal/relationship way). He asked me how much time I was willing to give him and I said a week should be enough time to make up his mind.

The week came and I approached the subject. He tried to stall for a couple days’ more but I insisted he should know by now. He reluctantly told me she was more of what he needed at the time. He immediately asked and requested I remain his friend, I told him I needed a few day’s to ‘rewire’ my brain and that we should be fine afterwards and continue with the friendship part of things as nothing. Again, we developed a close and strong bond in such little time. Weeks went by and we continued to have contact (as friends) but I was very negative and cold with anything that had to do with him until one day he called me out on it. He let me know he wanted us to be friends and that he cared for me but that he did not deserve to be treated so poorly and would rather end the friendship if this was what shall be. I accepted my wrong and corrected myself. The friendship continued.

A few things I should mention are that when we met in August it had barley been maybe 2 months that he and his wife had separated. She left to another state along with his step-daughter to what should’ve only been a vacation only she never returned to start the divorce process which had already been discussed. I believe he only spoke briefly with her a couple times over the phone and his divorce is yet to be finalized. He is a “let it go” kind of guy which claims life’s unfortunate or negative circumstances have no ill effect on him whatsoever. Yet on the other hand he tells me he wishes to establish a relationship at some point in his life and this time he won’t be faithful because he claims he was “a good (faithful) guy” to his wife and being a loyal, providing, and faithful husband didn’t get him anywhere good so might as well live life up to his own standards.

By this time it is around January and we continue to enjoy each other’s company and friendship when we can. I started to talk to someone new and that was going well and occupied my free time.  I did not ask him about his personal/relationship affairs as I still felt I wanted no part of that aspect of his life. And I would hardly mention mine. A Don’t ask-don’t tell, out of sight-out of mind type thing.

March is here and we start to get closer in our relationship role which includes speaking about those personal relationships. He opens up about a small travel dilemma he was facing with a new girl he has been seeing. I whole heartedly listen and give him the advice I see fit. After his travels with this girl he stops seeing her and we start spending a lot more time together. At this point I am no longer seeing the new man I had met due to personal convictions.

From March to present time (June) we have spent a lot of time together doings those perfect things a couple would do. I feel like our bond and chemistry starts to once again flourish and grow stronger. This time more meaningful and deeper, he has really opened up to me and I have seen his efforts in changing his ways towards me. We jokingly tease each other over the “Lovers & Friends” relationship we established. He is always promising he will be there for me no matter what the cases may be, no matter what title we possess or lack. The same man who tells me; “Please, do not fall for me right now“. The same man that tells me he does not want to lose me. The same man that tells me time and time again; “We never know what tomorrow brings, if we end up together or not we do not know”. The same man who has learned to show his kindhearted and affectionate side towards a woman when he rather have his unemotional facade on 24/7

I myself put on a more hardcore-don’t care approach towards him since the first “fall-out”. I was coming off more cold than I even am, if at all. I am the hopeless romantic type, a believer of soul-mates, a believer in ever-lasting love, a positive friend who is always ready to encourage and empower those around her. With him, I was not these things, these things he knows about me from speaking about who I really am but I never cared to show him my normal kind-hearted usual self. I saw it as me protecting my heart from being hurt (a shield). If I tell myself that I don’t care and don’t show it then surely there will not be a way for him to hurt me or me to feel like I let myself down. It was not until recently that this façade really got to be too heavy on my heart and I could no longer go on with this care-free care-less facade I was putting up. At first I felt like he didn’t take in anything I said but through time I started to see him open himself up in a more positive note and the changes that brought forward.

My dilemma is…is this Lovers & Friends relationship possible without ending up heartbroken? I liked the guy since day one and even after everything that has happened there is a big part of me that wishes we were more than friends. I have developed deep feelings for him which I can no longer deny to myself. It is not love, but it is not just a deep regard for him as my friend either. I have not expressed this to him yet I can’t help to think he knows it just as much as I can see that he also cares for me more than as friends. Yet here we are…just friends. I want his friendship as much as I would want a relationship with him. I am afraid to continue this way and fall deeper for him and have it end up going nowhere. As I am also afraid to let go of my best friend because I can’t see him as just that, a friend

I am sorry this is so long and detailed. I wanted to give as best background as possible. I thank you all, in advanced, for taking the time to read and even more grateful for any feedback.