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Anonymous.
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August 28, 2018 at 3:10 am #223351
MariaParticipantI tied the string to my laundry bag around my neck a few days ago just to see what it would feel like. I was tempted to keep going until I passed out but…eh.
I think the only reason I don’t just quit is because I’m scared of what’s on the other side. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife, and if I do, I don’t know which after life I believe in. I’m not scared of death, but I’m scared of where I’ll end up and how it’ll affect the people I leave behind.
If I had definite answers…god, I’d leave this shitty place behind in a heartbeat.
Even without turning on the news, everything is just shitty. You can practically smell it in the air – smells like SHIT. I’m seeing homeless people everywhere I go, spikes are being put on benches so they don’t sleep on them. We’ve got nazi’s making a rise again…f-for some dumbfuck reason??
For god sakes me, and basically every fucking woman on the planet, is terrified to go outside alone at night, boys and men feel like they’re not allowed to cry so they turn it into anger. Everyone’s being pitted against everyone else when we’re all just trying to fucking get by.
I can’t help but think about everything that’s happened and is currently happening to me and it’s sometimes like trying to carry an anvil and I just start sobbing when I’m alone at night, sometimes.
My roommate’s mom is a manager and she showed us this new personality test thing they were doing – she explained to us what the charts mean. There were 3 charts; 1 represented who you really are, who you think you have to be, how people see you. There were a bunch of other traits but the one that stuck out in the two second charts was independence. It was off the chart – and she explained that “who you really are” rarely changes from since…when you were maybe 8 years old unless something detrimental happens. Independence on that was was pretty high, too.
I can sit here and pretend I enjoy it. That I’m proud to be independent – and in a sense I am, but…I’m not proud of the way I got so independent. Not ashamed either – it just sucks how it happened.
It got to the point where I can let people go so easily. My ex and I tried long distance but at that point I’d gotten so used to just severing contact with people that I even started to ignore them.
They were the best damn thing to happen to me in a long time and we keep saying we’ll visit or stay in contact but we’ve basically stopped talking. Don’t get me wrong, I want the best for them, but I see the partner they’re with now and..
It’s really cold.
I have an abrasive shell. It deters people, probably…but I melted in their arms. All those walls I have just went down when I was with them and that sappy and vulnerable part of me came out. I can love really hard and it’s caused some really…rough situations.
Driving those people away makes me even more abrasive and gives me that feeling of…loneliness I guess?? It’s a strange call for help – help that friends can’t provide and that I can’t afford.
FUCK, man I used to be a gOOD PERSON
FUCK YOU SHAWN
FUCK YOU NICOLE
FUCK MY GRANDFATHER
FUCK YOU JOHN
FUCK WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES DID TO MY MOM
FUCK WHAT SHE DID TO ME
FUCK THE WORLD FOR MAKING MY GRANDMOTHER GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
FUCK THE WORLD FOR BEING AS SHITTY AS IT IS
FUCK THE CHANCES OF IT GETTING BETTER
FUCK THIS – FUCK EVERYTHING
FUCK THE FACT THAT I’M TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO LET GO
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
August 28, 2018 at 6:36 am #223373
JadeParticipantDear Maria,
It sounds like you’re really hard on yourself, therefore maybe you’re hard on others ?
Its difficult to change the tapes that play over and over, since childhood. But it can be done if you’re sick and tired of hearing the same thing day after day. I’m glad you’re afraid of what is on the other side, if that’s what keeps you hanging on another day, then great.
Try spending time with quality people, people that care. Be kind to yourself, you wouldn’t believe how that will help you have a kinder view of others. I was a cop, so I’ve seen the things your talking about more often than I’d like to speak of. Maybe it’s time for a change of environment. I had to get out of the city. It was hell hole, literally.
Everyday when you get up try saying…”I love you…and I’m going to have the life I deserve”. Even if you don’t believe it. And there’s a audio book, and a regular book of course, called “The Secret”. Give it a try.
And a great start to getting your feelings out by posting on here get the anger out. If you have to walk, jog, lift weights…get it out!
August 28, 2018 at 7:18 am #223377
MarkParticipantMaria,
Anger, pain, regret, despair are all cries for help.
I hope sharing here with empathetic and sympathetic people here will somewhat help.
Mark
August 28, 2018 at 8:21 am #223391
AnonymousGuestDear Maria:
You wrote: “F*&^ you Shawn”, not F*&^ to “what the circumstances did to” Shawn, but F to Shawn.
You wrote the same to Nicole, to your grandfather and to John, but you got to your mother, you wrote:
“F*&^ what the circumstances did to my mom”.
Only then, F*&^ what she did to me”. So what she did to you then, is not her fault; t was her circumstances.
Why is it Shawn’s fault, Nicole’s fault, your grandfather’s fault, John’s fault, not their circumstances?
As you continue to interact with your mother, you hold a lot of your anger in. What you hold in is exhausting you, making every move you make so difficult, is what I am thinking. Is that why you are so tired, so exhausted, so “whatever”?
anita
August 28, 2018 at 9:10 am #223405MariaParticipantI don’t care what the circumstances were for him- he’s a rapist and lower than trash – so is his fucking sister who was my best fucking friend but blamed me for it anyway.
August 28, 2018 at 9:17 am #223411AnonymousGuestDear Maria:
I understand. I didn’t suggest that you care about their circumstances and therefore, somehow justify their mistreatment of you. You are not in any contact with them, are you?
I suggested that you don’t justify your mother’s mistreatment of you either. Figuring you are in contact with her, I am thinking the contact with her is exhausting you and is not good for your well-being.
anita
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