I tied the string to my laundry bag around my neck a few days ago just to see what it would feel like. I was tempted to keep going until I passed out but…eh.

I think the only reason I don’t just quit is because I’m scared of what’s on the other side. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife, and if I do, I don’t know which after life I believe in. I’m not scared of death, but I’m scared of where I’ll end up and how it’ll affect the people I leave behind.

If I had definite answers…god, I’d leave this shitty place behind in a heartbeat.

Even without turning on the news, everything is just shitty. You can practically smell it in the air – smells like SHIT. I’m seeing homeless people everywhere I go, spikes are being put on benches so they don’t sleep on them. We’ve got nazi’s making a rise again…f-for some dumbfuck reason??

For god sakes me, and basically every fucking woman on the planet, is terrified to go outside alone at night, boys and men feel like they’re not allowed to cry so they turn it into anger. Everyone’s being pitted against everyone else when we’re all just trying to fucking get by.

I can’t help but think about everything that’s happened and is currently happening to me and it’s sometimes like trying to carry an anvil and I just start sobbing when I’m alone at night, sometimes.

My roommate’s mom is a manager and she showed us this new personality test thing they were doing – she explained to us what the charts mean. There were 3 charts; 1 represented who you really are, who you think you have to be, how people see you. There were a bunch of other traits but the one that stuck out in the two second charts was independence. It was off the chart – and she explained that “who you really are” rarely changes from since…when you were maybe 8 years old unless something detrimental happens. Independence on that was was pretty high, too.

I can sit here and pretend I enjoy it. That I’m proud to be independent – and in a sense I am, but…I’m not proud of the way I got so independent. Not ashamed either – it just sucks how it happened.

It got to the point where I can let people go so easily. My ex and I tried long distance but at that point I’d gotten so used to just severing contact with people that I even started to ignore them.

They were the best damn thing to happen to me in a long time and we keep saying we’ll visit or stay in contact but we’ve basically stopped talking. Don’t get me wrong, I want the best for them, but I see the partner they’re with now and..

It’s really cold.

I have an abrasive shell. It deters people, probably…but I melted in their arms. All those walls I have just went down when I was with them and that sappy and vulnerable part of me came out. I can love really hard and it’s caused some really…rough situations.

Driving those people away makes me even more abrasive and gives me that feeling of…loneliness I guess?? It’s a strange call for help – help that friends can’t provide and that I can’t afford.

FUCK, man I used to be a gOOD PERSON

FUCK YOU SHAWN

FUCK YOU NICOLE

FUCK MY GRANDFATHER

FUCK YOU JOHN

FUCK WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES DID TO MY MOM

FUCK WHAT SHE DID TO ME

FUCK THE WORLD FOR MAKING MY GRANDMOTHER GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE

FUCK THE WORLD FOR BEING AS SHITTY AS IT IS

FUCK THE CHANCES OF IT GETTING BETTER

FUCK THIS – FUCK EVERYTHING

FUCK THE FACT THAT I’M TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO LET GO

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK