Dear Chantel:

I hope there will soon be a resolution to this relationship, or.. a dissolution and that you will experience that comfort as a result.

I am wondering, since he told you repeatedly that he wants to be a father, and since he insists it can’t be with you (that untying your tubes will be too expensive), is he dating other women in search for the future mother of his children? If not, does he have a timeline, a time limit for him to be with you before he looks for another woman?

Also, how does he interact with your children?

anita

Chantel,

I know i deserve to be loved and i know in my heart that the things that i am asking for im sure most woman want even men. So if i know this why is it so hard to walk away from him. Why is the love i have for him and my want for him strong than my worth for myself? and how to get i get to a place where i can let go with out feeling like im completely breaking. 

Those words strike me as a woman who does not feel worthy.  Your use of the phrase “completely breaking” implies to me that you don’t quite have the wherewithal to be your own person.  Your statement of how you are not valuing your own self worth also reinforces my impression that you are dependent on him more than loving yourself.

I recommend that you look at your life with your two children.  What is best for you and them?  Probably not with someone who does not want to be with them and have his own bio children.  This is the reality.  Answer those questions and determine for yourself what is the answer.

I recommend a therapist for they are helpful in guiding you to your own inner wisdom and seeing the truth.

Mark

Dear Chantel:

I re-read your posts in previous threads as well as here. I think that the reasons he gave you for not having a committed, public relationship with you in the town where you live are excuses and not his true reasons. It is a good thing that you don’t proceed to untie your tubes, because it is not the issue.

Reads to me that he doesn’t want people he knows, in town, to know that he is in a relationship with you because he doesn’t want them to expect him to take this relationship further, into that of living with you, married or not, acting as a father to your kids. He doesn’t want people to ask him something like: so when do you get married?

Same reason he doesn’t want to interact more with your boys, he doesn’t want them to expect him to move in, to act like their father, to be invested.

He wants to be free from others’ expectations that he commits to you because he is afraid to commit. He wants to be free from commitment and from the expectations that he commits. Why? Not because there is something wrong with you, in his mind, but because of the same reason he avoided commitment before he met you.

For three years he gave you excuses and not the real reason. You asked but he didn’t tell, didn’t want to go there. My guess is that it distresses him to go there. He doesn’t want to talk about it. So he came up with excuses: he wants kids, that’s why. You say: I will reverse the operation and he hurries with a counter excuse: that would be too expensive, so don’t do it!

I don’t think he is looking for a committed relationship with any woman. He is in sort of a limbo that can last and last till his old age. He is neither here nor there. Problem is you are there, you are clear about what you want.

Do you have any information about his childhood, or his current relationships with his parents/ family members? That could provide clues as to his real reasons to not commit.

anita