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Looking for comfort

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #225255

    Chantel
    Participant

    I having been seeing a guy for 3 years now and he still doesnt want to be in a “relationship” with me. We have had a lot of ups and downs..  more downs than ups. His reasons for not being sure is we dont get along as well as we should, and i cant have kids. I see his reasons as things that can be fixed. We dont have major issues other than we never been on the same page iv always wanted more with him and he just seems to be giving the same excuses. thats where our problems stem from. And when i was 21 years old i got my tubes tied. However i have told him that i am not apposed to having that reversed but his response is always the amount of money it would cost to have a child with me could be put to something like a house.. When i think about the situation that i am in i think that i am a good woman and i have two great boys. I have made my sure of mistakes in life some that i am not proud of but i have changed since those mistakes. I know i deserve to be loved and i know in my heart that the things that i am asking for im sure most woman want even men. So if i know this why is it so hard to walk away from him. Why is the love i have for him and my want for him strong than my worth for myself? and how to get i get to a place where i can let go with out feeling like im completely breaking. I used to think that if two people loved each other than leaving wasnt a option and any problem could be worked through now im starting to wonder if that type of love even exists anymore. I have asked him if a relationship isnt what he feels he can commit to then what is it that he feels for me and his response to me was that he likes me, me is where he wants to be, and he cares for me he just isnt ready to commit because being with me would mean giving up being a father or whatever other reasons he has which are a lot. in my eyes hes missing the fact that he could be gaining two boys that would love to be apart of his life… i just need some advice, i feel this great big weight on my chest and its effecting me in every way.

     

    CJ

    #225389

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chantel:

    I hope there will soon be a resolution to this relationship, or.. a dissolution and that you will experience that comfort as a result.

    I am wondering, since he told you repeatedly that he wants to be a father, and since he insists it can't be with you (that untying your tubes will be too expensive), is he dating other women in search for the future mother of his children? If not, does he have a timeline, a time limit for him to be with you before he looks for another woman?

    Also, how does he interact with your children?

    anita

     

    #225413

    Chantel
    Participant

    Here recently when I told him that I would be willing to untie my tubes the response that I got was that it would cost to much. As far as I know over the last 3 years he has been faithful … I have asked him if he is just keeping his options open and he tells me he has had options and has never taken those opportunities because that's not what he wants. and that he is not a unfaithful person.

    As far as my kids go, he says hi to them and isn't rude but try's to come when they are not around because he says its not far to them to if he is around them but yet we don't even no what is going to happen to us.

    I feel like it is just one excuse after another. Yes the whole kid thing is a big deal I understand that but he knew that three years ago. I don't want to believe that he has used me because I whole heartily believe he has had other woman offer to be with him and if he really wanted he would had been gone a long time ago. is that dumb of me to think?

    #225431

    Mark
    Participant

    Chantel,

    I know i deserve to be loved and i know in my heart that the things that i am asking for im sure most woman want even men. So if i know this why is it so hard to walk away from him. Why is the love i have for him and my want for him strong than my worth for myself? and how to get i get to a place where i can let go with out feeling like im completely breaking. 

    Those words strike me as a woman who does not feel worthy.  Your use of the phrase “completely breaking” implies to me that you don't quite have the wherewithal to be your own person.  Your statement of how you are not valuing your own self worth also reinforces my impression that you are dependent on him more than loving yourself.

    I recommend that you look at your life with your two children.  What is best for you and them?  Probably not with someone who does not want to be with them and have his own bio children.  This is the reality.  Answer those questions and determine for yourself what is the answer.

    I recommend a therapist for they are helpful in guiding you to your own inner wisdom and seeing the truth.

    Mark

    #225437

    miranam
    Participant

    Hi Chantal,

    I think it is not unusual and perfectly normal to be emotionally dependent on someone we are in llove with. Never I met in my whole life a person in love who would  feel neutral while the feeling is not reciprocated. As well as wolking away from the person we are attached to is extremely difficult for everyone. So please, don’t be harsh on yourself.

    Now, if your mind is convinced he is not good for you and the relationship as it is is not satisfiying you, the it is better to walk away no matter how hard it is.

    You will be heartbroken for a while. It is anavoidable. But think about it as a short term pain vs long term benefits. It will help you.

    You will see your self esteem and self worth grow as you look back and appreciate the decision you made. It will not happen overnight, but it will.

     

     

    #225465

    Chantel
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses. I have a lot to think about…

    #225477

    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Chantel,

    You asked

    So if i know this why is it so hard to walk away from him. Why is the love i have for him and my want for him strong than my worth for myself?

    The reason that you find it hard is probably due to all the good things that you see in this relationship. His loyalty for one, his statements about how he cares for you and likes you.

    and how to get  to a place where i can let go with out feeling like im completely breaking

    You need to ask yourself where you see this relationship is headed – for yourself and for your children. He has stated several times that he wants to be a father but he doesn’t want you to reverse the tubal ligation, he has also implied that he doesn’t want to be a father to your kids by his behaviors towards them.

    Take care.

    Hope you find resolution soon.

     

    #225493

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chantel:

    I re-read your posts in previous threads as well as here. I think that the reasons he gave you for not having a committed, public relationship with you in the town where you live are excuses and not his true reasons. It is a good thing that you don't proceed to untie your tubes, because it is not the issue.

    Reads to me that he doesn't want people he knows, in town, to know that he is in a relationship with you because he doesn't want them to expect him to take this relationship further, into that of living with you, married or not, acting as a father to your kids. He doesn't want people to ask him something like: so when do you get married?

    Same reason he doesn't want to interact more with your boys, he doesn't want them to expect him to move in, to act like their father, to be invested.

    He wants to be free from others' expectations that he commits to you because he is afraid to commit. He wants to be free from commitment and from the expectations that he commits. Why? Not because there is something wrong with you, in his mind, but because of the same reason he avoided commitment before he met you.

    For three years he gave you excuses and not the real reason. You asked but he didn't tell, didn't want to go there. My guess is that it distresses him to go there. He doesn't want to talk about it. So he came up with excuses: he wants kids, that's why. You say: I will reverse the operation and he hurries with a counter excuse: that would be too expensive, so don't do it!

    I don't think he is looking for a committed relationship with any woman. He is in sort of a limbo that can last and last till his old age. He is neither here nor there. Problem is you are there, you are clear about what you want.

    Do you have any information about his childhood, or his current relationships with his parents/ family members? That could provide clues as to his real reasons to not commit.

    anita

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