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Confused… about love and everything in between…

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  • #225751
    noted
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m going to try and make this as short as possible but I’m not sure I’ll be too successful at that. I hope I get to express everything I am feeling too… although that’s mostly a lot of confusion…. I don’t know if I can post all of my experiences here but I kind of feel like they’re all helpful to figuring something out for me… I am not giving up on myself or my potential for happiness but it’s always hard…

    Some back story: I have anxiety, depression, and derealization. I don’t get triggered into a depersonalized state, I’ve been stuck in one for about 5 years now. It happened around the time I met the first my first love?? Around that time my grandfather passed away. I have a narcissistic father? who was an alcoholic up until I was 9… and was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout…. And a mother who would rely on my older brother and I to solve her issues with my dad. She would complain to me about everything and my brother and I were always around when they argued. We’d literally mediate for them…

     

    Anyway, I first fell in love when I was 15. I met this guy online and he was perfect to me at the time. We spent every waking hour speaking to each other, but he was somehow always in trouble. He’d get his phone taken away and would text me from random numbers. He’d disappear suddenly and then frantically text me. I was raised Catholic and he, a Jehovah’s Witness, so his family did not approve of our relationship. Regardless of that, we continued to speak and planned our entire futures together. We were on and off for about 3 years. During that time, he threatened to kill himself and would talk to me about very scary things. He would gaslight me and blame me for problems that he was having and would be very distant with me suddenly. I only saw him in person four times I think. He gave me my first kiss. I thought I was gonna die without him.

    When we had broken up for what I thought would be the last time, I met a guy from my high school. He was kind of just a rebound… but I have written in my journal that I had to accept his love and would blame myself for my inability to just feel happy with him? This was a pattern I repeated with guys I was not even official with. I eventually got with another guy I met online and again, I  went through the “he’s perfect and he likes me why can’t i just be happy what’s wrong with me” thing. Except he also threatened to kill himself eventually. In my dorm room, on my friend’s birthday. He too would antagonize me and gaslight me and lie to me and guilt me over everything. I ended the relationship after about a year and a half. Three months later, I met a really nice guy. This guy was a mutual friend so I didn’t find him online and I knew he wasn’t going to pull what the other two had. So I grew to like him but I fell into this cycle that I started with my previous ex, where I would feel so numb that I’d freak out and force myself to “accept their love and attention”. I’d find myself panicking over my sexuality and telling myself that I was lying to my partner and myself and that I was truly narcissistic and manipulative and hurting everyone for my own amusement. Except everything felt wrong, and any decision I made felt like a mistake. I ended up breaking up with him after I perceived that he kind of just gave up — things were getting worse at home and when I’d talk to him about it he’d send me memes to try to take my mind off of it. He’s a sweet guy and I went off on him when we broke up because I wanted him to show some emotion besides his neutral “chill” mood. I said a mean thing, he got upset, and I finally got some emotion out of him. I am not proud of that.

    After him I tried convincing myself I didn’t believe in monogamy anymore and got back on dating apps. Except this time I told myself no matter what I wouldn’t take anyone seriously. But I still felt empty. And after lots of reflection, I realized that just like my addiction to my phone and social media, boys were just a distraction for the resentment that I had against my parents. A few things happened at home and my relationship to my parents has improved significantly… But here’s the problem: I did go on a few dates with random guys from the dating apps, but I continued to talk to only one of them. I realized how much harm social media was doing to me and deleted all of them. I don’t even have a phone anymore, I only text through my laptop so that I’m not distracted when I’m outside. I want to finally commit to real life. But anyway, the guy that I have been talking to… is kind of amazing? He’s everything I wanted the first guy I was with to be, the fantasy version of him that I fell in love with. He’s sweet, empathetic, funny, and we have everything in common… except he’s calm, collected, and committed to real life. I admire him a lot. We have similar future goals and values. We were raised very similarly and share very, very similar life experiences. We even have the same sense of humor and have even unintentionally matched on occasion. But I feel that same little voice telling me that I’m crazy and evil and manipulative and that all I’m going to do is hurt him. It tells me that i don’t like him because I feel nothing and that I don’t know what I am and can’t possible expect this to last. I don’t know what I want or need or how to feel. We kiss already and the first one felt like his soul was hugging mine and he was comforting me from a deep, deep place. But now I feel nothing. I’m even afraid of telling him that I look forward to seeing him again because I feel for some reason that I am just saying that to keep him around. But I don’t think it’s true.

    I’m incredibly frustrated with myself for committing to so much spiritual work to feel like I am still in the same emotional place. I broke up with my last boyfriend because of his inability to open up with me and connect on a deeper level. Now I found someone who wants nothing but that, and emphasizes that he does not want to pressure me, and I feel unable to accept his love. I feel like I’m back at square one and it’s nearly impossible sometimes not to believe that my “progress” has been fake because I feel like I’m right where I started. I don’t want to miss out on a wonderful opportunity to give and receive love to someone who deserves it, but I am also tired of forcing situations with people who don’t end up being honest. I’m confused, lost, and overwhelmed. I just want to enjoy my youth. I’m not even 21 yet. I don’t know if i should just relax or push him away. I kinda already started doing the latter and guilted myself over it immediately. I feel permanently broken.

     

    Thank you if you made it this far.

    #225757
    noted
    Participant

    edit: okay i kinda know the best thing for me to do is to remove myself from any sort of romantic situation BUT i like spending time with this guy and i don’t want to feel like i’m pushing it away. I think he is worth it I just wish that I could feel again. I feel like I’m going to regret pushing him away because he is a great person from what I know of him and seems very genuine. But it was this kind of thinking that got me into terrible relationships in the first place. I just want to do what’s right but I have no idea what that is. I honestly just want him to be happy too and even though I’d be sad I really don’t expect him to wait for me to “be ready”. I am also having a hard time with believing that anybody is ever “ready” for something and I believe in making a choice but I don’t know if in this case making a choice to be with him is creating the problem. When I’m around him I feel safe and happy, but also sometimes like I’m forcing or pretending because I’m so numb inside. I’m like a shell of a person.

    #225767
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi noted,

    Throughout your post you report again and again feeling numb. This may have nothing to do with the boys. It could be a sign of depression. Could you check in with your doctor about that at your next physical?

    It could also be helpful to say to yourself, “I am not my father”. (Where else would this be coming from?) You are not evil. You are not even manipulative. You are silent because you don’t want to hurt these guys’ feelings. Your actions and non-actions are coming from a good place, actually.

    You are young! No need to be tortured by your relationships! Enjoy them! (The good ones)

    Best,

    Inky

    #225769
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noted:

    The last part of your two posts above is: “When I’m around him I feel safe and happy, but also sometimes like I’m forcing or pretending because I’m so numb inside. I’m like a shell of a person”.

    I live in an area where there are lots of trees around, a forest. I observed trees that are in distress (not enough water, nutrients, sun, space) When a tree is in distress it sheds its leaves, then it sheds its branches until all is left above ground is the trunk. The reason for this shedding is to keep the minimum of the tree alive, the roots and trunk.

    In a similar way you lived in distress for too long (verbally and emotionally abusive father and a mother who relied on you and your brother to mediate and protect her from your father). Because of that ongoing distress, you shed lots of your emotions, keeping the minimum (body, thinking brain) alive.

    You still have emotions but they come in bursts of desperation and are otherwise not there when they are … supposed to be there. It is an emotional dysfunction.

    You wrote: “I would feel numb that I’d freak out and force myself to ‘accept their love and attention’. I’d find myself panicking over my sexuality and telling myself that I was lying to my partner and myself and that I was truly narcistic and manipulative and hurting everyone for my own amusement”-

    You felt nothing, then you felt something: fear. Next you thought that you must be an evil person. You misunderstood your lack of feelings. Your lack of feelings indicate the shedding I mentioned, an automatic and natural reaction of plants and animals to long term distress.

    “Except everything felt wrong, and any decision I made felt like a mistake”-

    Without emotional functionality, we get confused and keep being confused. We try to figure the reasons, but we can’t because without emotions we can’t really know anything, we can’t be sure of anything. We live in a twilight zone state of sorts, asking ourselves again and again: what-is-going-on? and what-is-wrong-with-me?

    The solution is to become emotionally functional, to exit the numb/ depersonalized state. This is not a short term aim, it takes months and years to make significant progress, but it is doable. Healing is available to all living things, and  it is available to you too.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings and we can communicate further, if you want.

    anita

     

     

    #225761
    Emmy
    Participant

    I’d like to thank you for how brave and honest you are to share such experiences with all of us at Tiny Buddha. I hoped by opening you’re post to find a reply to my own confusion as well! That’s pretty similar to yours…

    Looking forward to see any replies <3

    #225791
    noted
    Participant

    Hi Inky:

    Thank you for your response. I’ve actually gotten a full check up recently, hormone levels and all, and everything came back normal. I take 5-HTP and b-12 daily as well. I do have a lot of physical symptoms, like fatigue, tense muscles, and pressure behind my head all of the time though. I know it’s depression but I’ve had it for so long and I know that it will go away with emotional healing but I don’t know how to continue. When I moved out for college, I made it a point to start my own life… but my parents would guilt me over everything and would blame me for not wanting to see my little brothers. My first and second year of college consisted of like 4 or 5 hospital visits due to my anxiety and depression. I began to party a lot and wouldn’t show up for work or classes. I still have really good standing in school as I push myself super hard but I don’t know to keep healing. During this time, I let myself let loose but I would also study a lot on ayurveda  and ancient indigenous healing practices. I began to tell myself that my panic attacks were releases of energy and even distinguished the different parts of me that were in pain. I have epiphanies from time to time where i feel like my soul is trying to contact me. I remember what it felt like the day I lost myself, the first day I began to depersonalize, and recently I came to the understanding that for this long, I have been my fight-or-flight responses and not my true self. It helped take a lot of pressure off because essentially I’ve been able to train even my fight-or-flight responses to calm down and analyze a situation, but it’s frustrating when I feel like I can’t do something like date someone for fun.

    So I don’t know what to do… my brain has a billion answers and my body isn’t here yet.

     

    #225793
    coconut
    Participant

    Hello. I want to share with you my thoughts but I want to mention that I don’t know how personalization feels like.

    You said you feel safe and happy when you’re with him, so you’re not completely numb.

    Maybe you feel that if someone is kind, nice to you and likes you, you *must* feel something for them, because you’re not used to be treated like that. But you don’t have to force yourself to feel something for someone just because they are nice to you. Maybe that’s why you’re confused. Being treated well should be a normal thing, not something special. If you feel good while you’re around him, it’s fine. When you’re with him, you’re out of your head, able to relax and enjoy what you two are doing, that’s why you feel good. But when you’re at home by yourself you’re again in your head. Be honest with him – “I feel good when I’m with you and etc (whatever you feel) but I’m having a hard time, I would really appreciate it if you would be patient but at the same time I may never feel something deeper.”, you know what to say just be honest and real.

    I have never had a boyfriend until I was 17 I think. I had a really low self-esteem, I was never liked back before, so when I starteose guys that I wasn’t necessarily attracted to or ‘right’ for me just because they liked me and made me feel some way. Then I got my heart broken eventually and I became a ‘serial dater’ because I couldn’t be single… The relationship that I have now with a boy that I know for 4 years made me realize a lot of things, made me change and grow.

    And now I know that this also caused me a lot of confusion….because I chose people not because I actually like them AND are right for me, but because they made me feel special…or gave me attention or whatever.

    But I can choose who I want to be with, I don’t have to accept anybody without actually listening to my inner self.

    Don’t force anything and be honest with him, have your boundaries, don’t give in to your insecurities, talk to him.

    Maybe you feel that if you had a bad past you deserve/have to be with somebody that makes you relieve those stuff. Not necessarily. You’re not your past, you can overcome it, you can feel better. Don’t accept people who lie to you, treat you bad. You have to communicate from the start what you expect from him.

    I think I wrote too much, hope it helps!

    #225795
    noted
    Participant

    Anita,

    thank you so much for your response. That is exactly what I feel like. I remember growing up, I would feel an emptiness at my chest right for a few seconds. Never thought much of it until I met the boy when I was 15, as he would always talk about his depression and misery. I remember thinking “you know, actually i feel that too.” And I think more than anything he was the first person who I could relate to. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have been through quite a bit. I was brought to this country at 4 years old, right after my grandmother (and one of my main caregivers) had passed away, and began to live with a father I thought was perfect only to realize he was an angry alcoholic. I would slam doors in his face and tell him I hated him from a very early age. My mom says he only drank once a month but I don’t remember him ever being sober. And I resented my mom a lot because she would get my hopes up when she’d promise we would leave him and three hours later, after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our “sessions”, I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened. I know I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her, even though I’ve reconciled with my dad. I love both of them but I had told myself I didn’t want them to be in my life anymore. I don’t think that’s true. Now that I’ve been home for the summer and realized why I spend so much time alone and why I seek out validation from guys, I got two jobs, have been trying to get my license, and even made plans to help improve the house. But my life splits when I go back to college.

     

    I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents. I don’t want to be stuck in a victim mentality. All I want is to just be calm and happy. To feel alive, even if real life isn’t fun all the time. I want to get a job when I’m at school and live a happy, simple life. I’m figuring out ways to do so and have begun sleeping earlier, waking up earlier, eating more often, and have even cut down on my possessions. But I get stuck on how to grow emotionally from here. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet? maybe i still need to let loose and forget all of these expectations? act like a college kid? I don’t know how much pushing is healthy. And now that this guy – who isn’t perfect of course (that’s a reminder to myself) – who is really nice, likes me, I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like I wanna put a “danger: in need of repair” sign. I don’t even want to hope that he’ll wait around. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, I just don’t know how to.

    #225799
    noted
    Participant

    Hi Emmy!

    Thank you so much. Honestly I felt like I spoke too much but I know there are a lot of people who may feel the same. I’m glad that my experiences can help in some way, and I wish you the best in figuring this out. You’re not alone!!

    #225801
    noted
    Participant

    Coconut,

    I’m a strong believer in communication and have shared my feelings with him, he was a little hurt because he says he believes this can last a lifetime. I agree, objectively, he has all the qualities that would make for a great partner. But there is something that you said that rings true for me as well. I have a hard time letting go of someone that shows interest in me. My previous relationship, I didn’t see him like that at ALL but I kept telling myself I owed it to the both of us to try it out. And then I got way too attached, and it still confuses me because I feel like it would’ve been best if we had remained friends.

    Saying “this guy/time is different” feels like a cop-out. I’m just scared I’ll miss out on something good by pushing this aside. We have slowed down communication and aren’t hanging out as frequently and for a few days I was even starting to miss him but then we communicate again and I’m like “nope, tell him you only wanna speak in person, texting isn’t for you.” I kiss him and ask him personal questions and I think it’s because I want to be sure but also I have no idea what I’m doing I just don’t want to hurt him. He says he wants more than anything for me to be safe and happy and that he has no problem with just being friends. But I know he really likes me now and again, I have no idea about anything…

    How did you meet your partner you’re with now? Was it ever confusing for you at first? I just want to be with someone good for me and not question it all of the time. But I guess I really am not ready? that feels so ugly to say for some reason.

    #225803
    coconut
    Participant

    It’s okay, and I understand what you say but sometimes if you don’t feel something naturally just let it be.

    I met him in college, and I wasn’t attracted to him at first and I wasn’t ready for a relationship or sure of him, but just like you I felt that he could make me really happy so I made myself feel somehow attracted to him… I didn’t know better. I knew we’re also different in many aspects and that we have another obstacle – the distance… but I chose to try it however. I don’t regret it at all but now it causes us problems, especially for me, cause I overthink things and want more from him and the relationship..

    #225817
    noted
    Participant

    What do you think keeps us so afraid and hesitant? Of course these are two different circumstances and we are different people with different experiences, but I feel like I would feel the way that you do now if I ever even made it to four years. I don’t think necessarily that I’m obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend… I actually didn’t think I wanted one… but I really value bonds and connections with people, and remember trying to convince myself early on that I didn’t want commitment cos it sucks and people hurt you. I didn’t realize I actually started believing myself. Idk there are times, like now, where I feel calm and safe. I’m not speaking with him right now, but I feel like it can work. I just don’t know why I know that’s bound to change, and if I’m “supposed” to fight through it, talk to him about every single feeling, or just let it happen… Okay obviously it’s the last one… but how do you just let go of the fear and expectations? It’s always about believing that the other option is better. My mind plays games with me, making me believe that the grass is always greener on the other side.

     

    I kind of want to just say to him “I know I’ve confused you, and I know it’s been like a week since I told you I wasn’t sure, but that’s me escaping to my safe, fantasy world. The truth is I still think about you and making it work even if we don’t talk as much, so let’s just give it a shot. I like you, I feel calm with you, and I am capable of making you feel good too. I can’t promise that I will be present all of the time, but I can guarantee that that is what I want more than anything. And I don’t want to miss this opportunity when I finally get out of this. If I do anytime soon… and if I don’t well hey, I still manage to commit to life and no matter how bad I may feel sometimes, this is the only one I got and I’m going to make sure I appreciate it.”

     

    I don’t know if that’s a good idea though. Sigh.

    I don’t like how disposable relationships and people seem to be now. It’s one thing to stay when it’s toxic but I’m so used to just paralyzing in fear and leaving. But then again 2/3 of my serious boyfriends have been toxic so that was a good thing… Maybe I just need to get to know him better… and let go of the fear of him getting over me. With or without a partner I have committed to healing, it would just be nice to have someone who I know chooses me for the long run, and someone who I can help achieve their goals too… without it feeling fake or forced.

    #225821
    coconut
    Participant

    Omg, I felt almost everything you wrote, I relate to that.

    Before I met him I made a decision to not be with someone if I just want them to keep me away from being single. And then I met him and even though I haven’t been attracted to him at first, we talked about everything and got to know each other and he was ‘perfect’ for me because he did everything I wanted from someone – he gave me full attention all the time, talked to me all the time, was infatuated with me.. and I fell in love with him too because he treated me the best and was so kind. I really love him but I think I became too attached, the good thing is he doesn’t give me any reason to worry about his love for me.

    I also have moments just like you when I feel so calm and sure of myself and us, but then sometimes I still worry or get anxious about little things… so it’s like a wave.

    “how do you just let go of the fear and expectations? It’s always about believing that the other option is better.” – If everything is very good between you two, you just enjoy it… not have any expectations… so maybe this is just not what you really want and that’s okay…and you think he’s special and that’s why you hang on him… so you can also try…. you’ll realize if it’s what you really want or not, but just keep it real.

    The fact that you value connections and said that you “don’t like how disposable relationships and people seem to be now” (I feel the same) makes it clear that you actually want a commited relationship but you are just scared of being vulnerable and hurt, which from what I see you realized which is a good thing.

    #225861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noted:

    The way I understand it, in your mind you thought that your mother and you were a team whose aim was to get rid of the alcoholic man in your lives, her husband/your father. Only she betrayed the team: “after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our ‘sessions'”, this is you doing the team work, being loyal to the team,  “I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened”, this is your mother betraying the team.

    As a result of your mother betraying the team, betraying you, that is, you are angry at her still:  “I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her”.

    You wrote: “I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents… All I want is to just be calm and happy”.

    My input: there is nothing more powerful in a little girl’s mind and heart than her mother. To be betrayed by one’s mother is an intense, deep and lasting emotional injury, such that can express itself in the symptoms you described: “like fatigue, tense muscles, and pressure behind my head all of the time”.

    You wrote: “I have epiphanies from time to time where I feel like my soul is trying to contact me”- maybe it is the awareness that your mother betrayed you, that deep hurt, that is trying to reach you.

    No one wants to be aware of such intense hurt and fear, the fear resulting in such betrayal. And yet, somehow, such awareness, achieved gradually, slowly is necessary for your mental health, for that calm you want.

    anita

     

     

    #285763
    noted
    Participant

    UPDATE: It has been a little over six months and I can’t explain how much this forum impacted me. I don’t know exactly what it was, but I think I really just needed all of my thoughts to be validated at the time. Even the most irrational fears. After I posted this, I realized there had been an incident with the guy I was talking about that made me feel embarrassed and insecure, and out of panic, I began to believe he would be better off without me. The day after I posted this, I spoke with my mom about the thing that had happened and started to cry. I felt a huge weight fall off my chest and was suddenly just so grateful for where I was in my life. It was the last day of my summer job and I texted the guy during my break, asking if he would like to hang out afterwards. He agreed, and I talked to him about my realization. Long story short, we have been together for the happiest six months I have experienced in a long time. I no longer suffer from derealization like I had for 5 years, and even though I still have bouts of anxiety and depression, I feel so much stronger mentally. I find myself in emotional standstills from time to time but it is nothing like I used to. I wish I could give my incredible partner all of the credit, but the truth is that I just needed to be validated for once. All of my pain and resentment kind of made peace with my present. I no longer hate my parents. I love my life, and sometimes I get sad that it’ll all be over one day. I am still insecure, and still have lots of stress and anxiety, but I am so much better than I had been. Thank you to each one of you for the time you took to reply, and for the empathy you generously offered me. I had completely forgotten I had posted this.

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