Hi Lila,

I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. I relate to a lot of your experiences, both in the past as an undergraduate and also in grad school. The first thing I wanted to say is that what you go through is serious, but unfortunately it is common that people feel like we don’t measure up, or that we are not up to par with other people. Particularly these days there’s just so much pressure! From ourselves, from peers, from society in general.

First about the incident: I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s not your fault! Did you report it to the police? Can your parents help in some way?

It might sound trite, but one of the things that definitely has helped me (and some of my peers) is to avoid comparison. We all want to be best at something, we want to stand out and particularly when we are younger, we try to derive our self-importance from our social position. It is common. But hey, the fact that they went to better schools doesn’t mean  they are better, they just had an opportunity that you didn’t have. If they weren’t lucky enough to have had that opportunity, they might not have reached what they reached!

I would just advise for you to do things that make you proud of yourself. Not your friends, not your family, definitely not society. We all have limitations (anxiety can be incapacitating! and it’s real!) and we are also not given the same opportunities, so trying to fit someone else’s shoes doesn’t help, you just need to accept yourself and be the best student you that you can be! Sometimes it might mean to not be the top of your class or have the highest grades, but if there’s something else that sounds fake and cliché but it isn’t, is that grades are not everything. Pursue internships, or other work opportunities, they matter MUCH MORE than perfect scores. (IME: people who had all 100’s usually weren’t street smart and had more issues to find jobs, employers want people that can do the job, not take perfect tests)

Dear Lila:

A self defense class is an excellent idea, you have to have a plan as you walk at night through campus, as you walk home, to defend yourself if needed. Be aware and awake as you walk alone, pay attention to what is in front of you, in the back of you, on your sides, listen and have a plan for what-to-do if this or that happens.

To withstand your stress, the “Academic pressures and other anxieties” beyond the above suggestion, minimize associating with anyone who distresses you, or drains your energy, as you mentioned. When distressed, do only what you need to do, one “manageable chunk” at a time.

anita

Dear Lila:

You are welcome. You need calm in your life, and that includes calm people, not overly excited people. There is just so much … positive excitement a person can take before it becomes negative. For some it gets negative immediately. So yes, choose who you associate with. I hope you post again any time you’d like.

anita