well.  Last night was a little rough.  I really need my girlfriend to find a job with dayshift weekday work schedule like mine.  It’s my week without my kids.  She is working, and I am at home watching her kids again 🙁  I just wanted to get away for a bit.  Go hang with friends at the bar, or something.  Instead, i’m home doing homework with kids, cooking, cleaning, helping them, getting them ready for bed and school the next day.

It’s nights like last night that does make it hard for me.  That I really miss what I had with my ex.  I would of went down to see her normally usually once a week night every two weeks.  And last night would of been that night.  I do miss that.  I almost miss just getting out and away from my house and life here and there more than missing her?, I think?? don’t know…

So, in my depression and whatnot.  I was bad, got on FB and searched her name.  I didn’t expect anything to show up because she had blocked me last time we messaged and told me pretty much to leave her alone, ect…  However, I had this weird feeling in my gut.  I can’t explain it.  But something that made me question it and search.

anyways, wouldn’t you know it, she unblocked me.  We are not friends on FB, so I can’t see any new posts or pics or anything since she unfriended me after we broke up.

I didn’t try messaging her or anything.  I had a moment of weakness and searched her, that was it.

It did make me question though…  Why would she unblock me?  If you are done with someone, and they are blocked, then why go through the trouble of unblocking them??  Very confusing.  I asked my friend.  She told  me that she thinks that my ex likes to mess with me.  To keep me just a little bit there in a way.  To reel me in and then push me away.

I agreed to a point, but then also have to wonder if she does miss me and searched my name and just wanted to see pics?

Then i thought… SEE!  This is what started to mess everything up in my head in the first place!  Anytime she did anything, I started to overthink every little thing and assume shit.  Instead of just thinking she did what she did for reasons i don’t know.

I do want to contact her again, but I know that it would just make things worse for me.  So i’m not going to.  I do have a journal on my phone that i’ve been writing in occasionally when i do want to contact her.  That does help a lot too.

It is funny about how we had talked about the addiction and motivation when it comes to this.  As soon as I saw that she had unblocked me, I got all amped up.  Motivated, happy, ect…   It’s freaking stupid how that works.  How the mind works.  I then decided.  I’m just going to keep on keeping on.  I’m determined to get back into the person I was.  The person that used to do crap all the time, share it on FB with my friends, ect…  Be happy and proud of who i am and what i do.  That’s who I used to be.  happy go lucky, goofy, having fun with whatever.  Sharing my life with the world.  I used to love that.  Who knows, if I force my self to do some of those things, maybe it will make me happier…