Hi ImJWL,

I wouldn’t date anyone until I was divorced, myself.

But if you are going to date, please tell the guys that you are still married. Some people are actually looking for a real relationship, and would feel used if they found out (later) that they slept with a “technically still married” person. I myself would be furious if I slept with someone and then found out that he was still married. Even if he assured me again and again that they are separated, I’d be all, “Really, buddy? Why should I believe you? Why didn’t you just say that before? What else are you hiding?”

Best,

Inky

Dear ImJWL:

Congratulations for leaving that marriage. Reads to me that  you did the right thing for you (and for him). I am glad no kids are involved.

You are  a young woman, maybe still in your twenties. You clearly want to experience all that you didn’t experience in that miserable  marriage you endured: companionship, effective communication, feeling appreciated, chemistry, emotional and  physical intimacy, respect, no aggression and no alcoholism.

These things are not too much to ask for, these are reasonable expectations. Here is my advice then: continue to date but do it in a different way: do not jump into anything with anyone. Instead meet a variety of men in a public place such as a coffee shop or a casual restaurant. In that context have conversations with these men, learn who they are and share  about yourself.  Not all  at  once, a bit here, a bit there.

Your aim is to find a man able and willing to experience that intimacy that you need, a  man who will  be respectful toward you, etc., so find out if this man or that man is able and  willing, through conversations. Be patient with the process, keep an objective mind, keeping hope and  desperation controlled.

After a few months, if you locate a good candidate, then consider spending time with him alone, just you and  him.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

ImJWL,

It seems that you are getting emotionally tied to this man since you have anxiety about him not keeping in contact with you. I caution about the dangers of jumping into a sexual relationship with “no strings attached.”  Women especially tend to get more emotionally involved with their sexual partners than with men.  It’s a biological fact.

With that said, it may be a good thing to have sex buddy to feel good about yourself as long as you know that this guy is not the person to go to as another life partner.  He is a Mr. Transition guy.

Watch Out For Being The “Transitional” Lover!

Of course, the common wisdom is to  learn to be back on your own again. Learn to love yourself, to have your own life and be OK to be by yourself without needing to have a partner to do things with, to validate you, and as a distraction.

It’s good that you have a therapist who can help you along in your emotional healing.

Mark

You are welcome, ImJWL. Post again anytime you want to.

anita