Dear me myself and i:

You and I have a lot in common. You wrote about your mother: “she ruined me, she’s in my head”-

same here. My mother ruined a whole lot of my life too. I put lots of miles between me and her, crossed two oceans away, but when I wasn’t talking to her on the phone or visiting with her, she was still talking to me “in my head”. (And like you I rented rooms in other people’s home for years).

Our early life experiences with our mothers are very significant because we are not separated mentally from her, so her voice becomes our voice, and what she told us, and the messages she communicated to us, we keep hearing those throughout life, no matter how far.

Until we find a quiet enough place to live in and learn to hear silence instead of her voice. I will be glad to share with you what I have learned so far about living without her voice. I will soon be away from the computer for about nineteen hours. If you reply to me, I will read and reply to you when I am back.

anita

Dear me myself and i:

You wrote: “most people.. i don’t know what their motives are… a LOT of people maliciously stalk and try to ‘bully’ me now… ppl are such vampires.. i mean most of my life ppl were scummy/twisted… but i still looked for the best, i was so blind”-

We are al born blind to bad people. We look up to the adults in our young lives as if they were very good people, reaching out to them with complete trust, not knowing that there is a chance that they will hurt us. When a parent feeds us, when we are young children, oh, the food feels so good. We think the parent loves us, and we are so happy.

What a shock it is when we find out that the parent who feeds us also hits us, or calls us names, what a shock it is for a young child to be betrayed for the first time.

Do you feel this way as well, that it is shocking to be betrayed by one’s parent, the person we look up to with 100% trust?

anita

Dear me myself and i:

“I just want to know how to not hate people”-

Hate is strong and lasting anger. We feel anger when we are hurt or when we are scared, or both: we get hurt and we are afraid to get hurt even more.

You wrote: “home was a negative place”-

– is it in your childhood home where you were hurt most badly, where you therefore got angry, that anger grew and grew into hate of all people, is that what happened?

* I will be away from the computer and be back in about 14 hours from now. I hope to read from you and reply to you when I am back.

anita

Dear me myself and i:

You wrote that your childhood home was “extremely confusing”. In your original post you gave some details of that extremely confusing life that you had. You wrote that your mother annihilated your self esteem, isolated you, got you into “the most impossible situations so she can walk away/leave everything a wreck”, that she boke you and works really hard to break down your mind… and then, she “denies it till she’s blue in the face”.

It is very confusing for a child to be treated so badly by one own mother, to be treated like an enemy that needs to be broken and annihilated. A mother is supposed to be loving, kind, building the child, not annhilating the child, making it possible for the child to have a good life, not to bring her child to impossible situations and then walk away.

Clearly, after a terrible experience like this, the child, now adult (you are 33) needs quality psychotherapy so to start a healing process.

anita

me myself and i

I know that what we feel about others comes in part how we feel about ourselves.  We project out into the world.  As anita points out, hate comes out of anger which in turn, comes out of fear.

It seems all you were taught from your family-of-origin is fear, anger, and hate.  Those are deep core issues which can be helped by introspection and self awareness up to a point.  However there is a quote attributed to Albert Einstein (but I doubt that he said it like this for I cannot find the original source): “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”  This means that unless we have an outsider’s perspective and guidance then we cannot fully solve our own problems.

Mark