Dear prudence:

His girlfriend called you “a b*^* with a fatherless baby, bastard child”, and you responded with: “at least I’m not like (his mother) who cheated on her husband and got pregnant and did illegal abortion then die”-

– in the other thread you wrote that you told him that he is just like his father. I don’t understand why you blamed him for his parents’ choices- he is not responsible for his parents’ choices.

I would say that you burned the bridges with your child’s biological father. Some words we say cannot be unsaid.

For a child, to have a father in his life, is not automatically or necessarily a good thing. I don’t know what kind of father he would have been, if he was in your child’s life. It can be better for a child to not have a father at all than to have a father who comes-and-goes, disappears from the child’s life for long periods of times and so forth.

I know of women who insisted and tried very hard to keep the father in their child’s life and it would have been better- for the child- to not have that father in their lives at all.

Be a good mother to your child. If a child has one good parent, that is more than what millions of children have living with two  parents!

anita

Dear prudence:

I agree, that your “baby is better off without him”.

You asked me: “what steps should I take to forgive myself, to control my temper, and to think before I say something or act, it seems difficult to me”-

– My answer: your impulsivity is a habit, a habit of the mind (you feel anger and certain thoughts occur to you) and a habit of behavior (you actually say certain words and do certain things). Habits are difficult to change, not just for you, but for everyone. But it is possible:

1. Recognize the anger and thoughts that occur (when the impulsivity is still in the stage of habit-of-the-mind), in other words, you notice that you are feeling anger and that you are thinking of saying or doing this or that.

2. Pause, stop for a moment, take a deep breath. Don’t automatically proceed to saying-and/or-doing something. Take another deep breath, maybe get up from where you are, walk a bit, drink water, maybe make yourself hot tea.

3. Once you are calm enough, re-think: what should I say or do now, or later, if anything,  what will be beneficial for me to say or do? In other words, what should I say and do that will help me and my baby and not hurt me and my baby.

– for example,  your baby’s bio father’s girlfriend:

– don’t talk to her at all, don’t contact her and don’t take her calls etc. Better not get into a war whenever possible. Aggression, physical, verbal is distressing, and unless our lives are really in danger, avoid aggression.

– let’s say you meet her in a supermarket, unplanned, and she calls you a name, what do you do? Notice what is happening: you are in a public place, a woman is angry at you and called you a name. You feel angry and maybe scared, maybe you are there with your baby.

You don’t want a physical fight- you don’t want to get injured, and you don’t want to get detained or arrested, these things will not be beneficial for you, so you don’t hit her and you don’t want to draw attention by yelling at her. But you don’t want to appear scared of her, submitting to her aggression by walking quietly away. So, you can call her a name back or tell her to shut up, say it in a confident, strong voice, but not too loud while looking into her eyes with a serious, strong face. Then keep walking.

But pay attention that she is not following you. If she does follow you or you are afraid that she is, ask for the supermarket security/ employee to walk you to your car, or call the police. If it gets to it, you can get a restraining order from court so to protect you.

Regarding forgiving yourself for having said in the past things you shouldn’t have- once you successfully change this habit of impulsivity, and you notice that you can trust yourself when angry and that you can and do act in ways that are beneficial to you, then you will forgive yourself because you did the hard work that it takes, over the long time that it takes, to change your behavior and you succeeded! That pride in yourself will give you what you need to forgive yourself.

(This is what it took for me to forgive myself for hurtful things I said and did).

I hope to read more from you today or at anytime in the future and will be glad to reply to you again.

anita

Dear Prudence:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I don’t have anything to add right now, but when you are next in a situation that you are about to act impulsively, you are welcome to pause and post right here, on your thread about the situation. I will be glad to read and reply and try to help you with the specifics of that situation.

*If I am not at the computer at the time, I will be in about 12- 18 hours from the time you post.

anita